Young and Dumb

“Young and Dumb”

June 2nd 2016

I went to see Jess’ softball game today she played really good and I met her dad. He's a big guy but he says that he's just a big kid on the inside. I'm so happy I went to see her play and I know it made her happy cuz she didn't think I was gonna come.

-Joshua

June 7th 2016

Me and Jess went on our first date today she made me so happy I'm glad things finally worked out after all these months of talking. We didn't really do anything though other then just go shopping for her vacation and then we just laid there and watched a movie. I hope we get to spend a lot more time together she's so good for me. 

-Joshua

June 12th 2016

She's on vacation with her family and I miss her like crazy and she misses me too. We got to FaceTime tonite. Me and Jess just talked about how much we were gonna hangout when she got back but her family kept walking in on her so we couldn't really talk all that much tonite maybe tomorrow nite. She got sunburned really badly today and she has to stay inside all day so were gonna talk a lot tomorrow too.

-Joshua

June 13th 2016

Jess called me today and she seemed really upset about something and like I really couldn't figure out what was wrong at first. I mean I like her a lot and she's so good for me and I just can't wait till she gets back. This is gonna be hard on us. And back to when she was mad she said she was mad cuz she thought I was gonna find someone better and that she wasn't good enough for me and that this was gonna be hard on both of us, I told her I won't and I told her she was so good for me and that I don't need or want anything more then what she can give me. She's perfect for me but like I obviously need to tell her that more.

-Joshua

June 15th 2016

Jess was really upset at dinner today and her family was annoying her and she just got upset so I had to calm her down by pretty much telling her exactly what she was to me. I told her she was perfect I told she was my whole world I told her she was beautiful I told her I missed her so much and I couldn't wait for her to come back. She started to calm and when she was all calmed down she asked me why I was like that all of a sudden, and I said to cheer you up. And then she just said that it worked. 

-Joshua

June 19th 2016 

Jess came over tonite we had so much fun we walked around my neighborhood and then we just went back to my house and laid on my couch for a while and watched a movie. Then we went on another walk and well it felt just right and well we kissed under the moonlight it was a perfect moment for us. 

-Joshua

June 28th 2016

The thing about Jess is is that so far she doesn't really seem as much into the little things as I am she doesn't ask about my day half the time and I really don't wanna bring it up cuz I feel like she would get mad if I pointed that out to her. I always ask about her day and the we talk about that for a long time, but then I kinds always wait for her to ask about my day and she usually doesn't like she always has before we started dating. She just seems less interested in me and doesn't pay as much attention to me as she did before. 

-Joshu

July 4th 2016

We went to the carnival today we had a great time together and it was so much fun for both of us. We met up with my friend Chase and his girlfriend Lily. We talked to them for about 5 minutes me and Jess don't really like Lily she's too quiet. We then went to watch fireworks together out in a field and then she took my phone and found some stuff on it from before I met her and then she got all mad at me and said I lied to her and then she slapped me. I really upset her and the texts she found weren't even bad they were just from my friend. But then we went home together and she pulled me in close and kissed me and she didn't let go of me for like a minute or two then she walked away.

-Joshua

July 5th 2016

Jess and me planned to hangout this weekend but last minute my mom called and told me I was going to Des Moines at the last minute for baseball. Jess said some stuff to me I didn't like and it kinda just got me down a lot and now I'm on my way to Iowa and she's stuck back in Lincoln. I'm out of town all weekend and I can't FaceTime her this week because I'm not gonna have the time too.

-Joshua

July 7th 2016

Jess texted me today and she started it off with can we talk which got me worried. So I go Abby what's wrong and she says “I like you a lot and you know that but I don't wanna break up with you it's just idk if I can do this because we can never see each other with all your sports and stuff and i don't wanna break your heart it's just kinda hard for me but I'm trying to get used to it and also I'm kinds worried about losing you to someone else which I know you say won't happen but idk and I promise I don't wanna break up with you cuz it would hurt me more then it would hurt you and sorry I brought this up and idk do you still wanna do this?” She got me really worried and like I need to tell her I love her but after that I'm scared too i don't know how she react to that. 

-Joshua

July 9th 2016

Jess texted me tonite and said “hey can i you something baby?” And I said sure why not you can tell me anything. She said “wait nvm I don't know how your gonna react” I go how long is what your gonna say and she goes it's only three words and I said I think I know what your gonna say and I have a feeling you would like what I say back. So after that she goes “I love you” and I go “I love you more” and then said “I love you most.” That made me the happiest man alive. 

-Joshua

July 13th 2016 

Jess and me were taking today and then all of a sudden I go to her “I'm worried your gonna break my heart one day” Jess goes back “Babe, I'm never gonna break your heart it would break mine to break yours I don't ever wanna lose you” I just can't believe that she would bring up what she did especially after what's already happened between us.

-Joshua

July 17th 2016

Today I told Jess I'm worried about losing her and she said “Baby don't be I'm not going anywhere.”  I then asked if she ever lied to me and she said “No, I promise” I then said “sorry I got so upset after what you said” she goes “did I just don't wanna hurt you again.”

-Joshua

July 27th 2016

Jess is just fading away from me more and more I can just tell it takes her almost forever to text back now whenever she used to be always there whenever I needed her and every time I get upset or tell her I had a bad day she just says “okay” or laughs at me and every time I tell her I love her she just says i know. I'm honestly so done with her games right now I wish she would just say straight up that she doesn't wanna be with me I wish she would just give up on us and break up with me because I don't wanna be with her if she doesn't wanna be with me.

-Joshu

August 2nd 2016

Jess told me she doesn't love me anymore. I never should've believed her with all her lies and she just keeps leading me on and she seems to be letting go I have this feeling she's gonna break up with me soon.

-Joshua

August 5th 2016

I've been able to tell this was coming for a couple days now she called me tonite and said it's over we're done she didn't try to pick a fight or try to lie she just told me it's over that she didn't feel the same way anymore and that's the last I heard from her…at least for a while. 

-Joshua

August 9th 2016

She texted me today and she tried to make me feel bad for trying to move on she yelled at me for an hour for talking to someone new. It's like you broke up with me don't yell at me for moving on if you didn't wanna be with me why are you mad I'm moving on.

-Joshua 

September 2nd 2016

Jess and me have been talking a lot recently and she told me “You know someone doesn't have to say I love you for them to love you.” I mean what we had when we were together was love but it's definitely not anymore. I honestly just waiting for the day where I can see her again and just get my hoodie back from her at this point that's all I want. 

-Joshua

September 3rd 2016

I told Jess that I didn't wanna talk to her anymore today and she got pretty upset with me but honestly at this point I don't even care about her anymore but I just wish she would let go because then I'd actually be allowed to find someone else without her breathing down my neck honestly she just needs to love me or leave me alone.

-Joshua

September 6th 2016

Well me and Jess are officially done talking she went out with her friends and when she got home she told me she found someone else and alls I said was it's about time. The she said “You're an ass I can't believe I ever dated you” and you know I just said back “Awe thanks i know that already though you didn't have to tell me.” I regret saying everything I did now though she was my best friend and well now she's gone and I don't really have any other friends I can talk to about anything it's just over now so we're done forever and i guess I'll just get one of my friends to get my hoodie back since I really don't wanna see her at all anymore. While it's over now the one thing i can look back on and say is it wasn't meant to work at all i never shoulda dated someone who get that bitchy with me over little stuff Jess was a mistake. 

-Joshua

September 8th 2016 

Jess called today I didn't pick up cuz I already knew she was jsut gonna yell. Then she texted me and told me to come get my jacket if I want and she even worded it nicely too “Alright look dick face you want ur motherfucking jacket come and fucking get it urself.” And you know it's time like this where I don't even know why I ever dated her. Alls she was was a bitch and i don't even know why I kept her around especially with the way she treated me when we were dating. She never actually cared about me. She told me so many lies while we were dating and the biggest one “I love you” which also coincidentally has the same number of letters as “bullshit.”

-Joshua

September 15 2016

Umm so it's been a week since I last wrote in this and um the thing is life's hard nothing's given to me anymore I miss it I miss being privileged I miss all the good things in like just coming to me easy. But I saw something last nite that pretty much said “you gotta focus on what you have because you can't focus on what you don't have otherwise you'll always be seeing what you don't have and you wont realize what you do have.” Then an old friend came up to me at a football game and gave me some advice “You gotta reach out and try new things. You gotta meet three new people everyday and get their numbers it'll help you out in life. You'll never have any downtime because someone's always gonna text you asking if you wanna do something. So you gotta always meet new people and try new things it'll help shape you as a person and I know this because I had someone tell me all of this stuff when I was your age. And I know this may sound gay but it's all true and I know that I'm pretty smashed right now but it's all true and remember don't ever go too far from where your home is because I guarantee no matter how tough you are you'll get homesick.” And I mean I know all of that may sound cliche and I know that he was pretty drunk when he said it but I'm gonna try to live my life like that from now on and always try to challenge myself. I'm always gonna try new things to challenge myself and I'm gonna join and do as much as I can to challenge myself and to meet new people and to make connections that are gonna help me later on in life. 

-Joshua

September 22 2016

I just wanna be understood for once. I want someone to understand me and to not ask me to change. I'm pretty fucked up and i know it may take a while to find that but there's someone out there who will understand me. I want someone who I can trust. I want someone who will make me feel wanted for once. I want someone who will always be there for me no matter how fucked up I get. I want someone whose gonna be my best friend and I want someone who loves me. I want someone to trust me. I want someone to always be there for me whenever I want a hug or a hand to hold I want someone who always comes to my games and gives me a hug after no matter how bad I played I want someone who will always treat me the same way no matter who I'm around I want someone who I can trust with my heart. I want someone whose perfect for me. I want someone whose always gonna ask what's wrong or make sure that I'm always okay and when I'm not okay I want them to know exactly how to cheer me up. That's what I want I want someone like that. I know I probably wont find that person but that's what I want. 

-Joshua

The End