Notes

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: October 16, 2017

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Submitted: October 16, 2017

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The notes

"Why did you set the woods on fire?"
Because my dream place to die was actually in a volcano but since I didn't have all the money to get where I wanted to be: my original plan was to save up as much money as I can so I can move back to my home state which is Colorado and research a mountain so I can die to but then back around April or May when my mother informed me that I wasn't going to move to Colorado for another 8 or 10 months, I had to come up with another plan. With all the BS I had to go through in my life, I was pretty pissed to acknowledge that I wasn't able to take my life where I'm surrounded in a place that makes me have such peaceful thoughts for personal reasons so instead I had to take my life in a state known as Texas which I absolutely detest living in by the way and not only that but part of my legacy will be forever known as me dying in that state. I have a whole video up in my Youtube channel explaining why I can't stand living in Texas if you haven't seen it but anyway I wanted to choose a place and situation that symbolizes how much I hate myself, I wanted to make sure that I get put down for good to the point where it's really looking impossible for doctors to revive me and not only that but I don't want my death to be known as some typical person who would commit suicide in a usual place such as in a house, at school whatever and they would not surround themselves with some things meaningful to them if you know what I mean. Also I really don't want to make myself seem like that I don't have many legitimate reasons why I would take my life to the point where therapists really have a hard time trying to figure out what could they do to help me tremendously. If I have hurt or killed anybody during the fire in the woods then I am deeply sorry, it was not my intention to and i'm not trying to do what I did selfishly. I would definitely hate to see what the victim's families and friends could go through. Like I said I just wanted to make sure that I get put down for good and I also wanted to make sure that I'm big news as possible considering how my death went because there's some people out there who committed suicide and they didn't get to make the news for some reason so imagine if my death didn't seem such a big deal as it is now, I probably wouldn't have made too much of an impact on the world. I just hope when I do make the news: my story doesn't get twisted or misconstrued and I won't be surprised if it does. Some of these people won't even know what they're talking about and they don't know me in real life. If you want to be informed with something legit then just read simply read my notes and watch my videos to know something more about me. I'm not doing what I did purely for attention just so I can be a big star or whatever, I wanted to bring much awareness as I can so that the world can finally make a change. I didn't want to hurt anyone at the day while I was going to commit suicide but if anyone stood my way in doing so somehow then I have no choice but to point a gun at them to force them to get out of my way and if they would've resisted then I would've shot them in the leg. I don't want to continue to go through misery in my life and to add in to that I probably would've gone to a mental institution if somebody were to find out what I was planning to do. I just wish this world can get their shit together

"What else has lead you decide to take away your life? Getting tired of this society can't be the only reason"
Well to start off: I have to acknowledge every once in a while what my life would've been if I haven't failed SO MANY good oppurtunties since my life is such a mess right now. I mean I have succeeded on a lot of things but overall I feel like a failure because I haven't accomplished many things what I consider to be great so it would potentially change my life. And don't give the same old "Oh well there's people who have it worse than you" sentence because yeah I understand that but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to speak out my personal problems and my issues I have with this world, saying something like that isn't going to make me feel much better or any other suicidal person for that matter. I just really wish I could go back in time to change all the shitty things that made a big impact on my life so I wouldn't have to go through certain time of events again. Also I had so many issues with my step-father especially considering he would assault me over some dumb shit and I don't feel like talking about all those issues. I've said about this in one of my videos and it is the fact that I have aspergers, some people would make it seem like seem like the world is out to get me just because I have aspergers or whatever but people are so quick to judge and find comedy on some things about me, I don't care what people think negatively about me overall but there are times where I don't want them to make up lies about me and brainwash others about it. I had to give up my social life just so I go with my "Changing the world" plan but I didn't have much of a social life anyway because I played games and watched a lot of TV when I was younger of course but I wasn't so outgoing and eager to talk to people now compared to who I was before I gave up my social life. I am socializing with some people to this day but there's a fine line with that: I do try to be respectful and polite but deep down I'm not feeling too comfortable with how this society works now and I wish it could make a change. It's not like that I don't want to hang out with friends at all, if the world wasn't so messed up and corrupt then I would've been hanging with friends by now and my social skills would've improved immensely. While I was giving up my social life and even though I am friendly to a lot of people and they talk to me at times: I have been bullied, taken advantaged of, I've been deceived so badly, humilated, I've been harassed several times and so did my family, people have treated me like I was invisible and didn't take me seriously, I've been trying to avoid people wanting to help me get better socially in public so I can get laid with a girl and build my confidence up because it's usually unlikely for girls to laid with a guy that has bad social skills so I was trying my best not to make them think I have that but as I got older and older i'm realizing that they can really sense me socially, people have fought me over stupid things, I've received death threats and there were people on Youtube who's been talking crap about me for literally 4 or 5 hours in Google Hangouts not to mention some of them have been trying to dox my personal info, contact my familly and threatened to harm me if they saw me in real life. All the bad things I just mentioned, some people have gotten away with it which pisses me off even more.

For those of you who are passing me off as a being crazy selfish person that shouldn't have some sympathy and saying that I'm no better than people such as James Holmes, Jodi Arias, Korryn Gaines, Elliot Rodger, Adam Lanza, Ian Watkins, Steve Stephens, Stephen Paddock or whatever: yeah I'm crazy I'll admit that but newsflash morons the whole world is crazy, I don't know if you actually read one of my notes entirely about what I've gone through and what my motives are but I just wish you would get a better understanding. It's not like what I was planning to do was for a bad cause. I don't kill people on Facebook live, I don't fight cops over a car that doesn't have a liscense plate, I don't like to kill innocent children, I certainly don't EVER want to fuck babies and animals and I used to get so frustrated of not having a girlfriend when I was a teenager and I'd get jealous at douchebags who successfully get girls over me but as I got older I realized that getting into a relationship shouldn't be a huge deal to anyone and I don't have all the time for that now. If people want to rip into you for being a virgin then just tell them to go screw themselves but what I don't do is that I don't attack people, be racist and talk about making women as slaves over not getting a girlfriend. With everything I had to go through, I'm trying my absolute best not to lose my sanity so I would harm somebody but jail is never worth going especially if you're looking what your future could hold if you're trying to get a certain job or travel out of a country. I don't know how I would perfectly describe what I'm feeling when I have all this anger built up in me, it's just I really want to unleash it but I can't really do it and one of the things I can do to release some of my anger is by breaking some stuff sometimes. Some people will say that I have a habit of not letting some things go and therefore i'm letting the things consume me. It's just one of the symptoms I have with my disabilty if you know what I've been talking about earlier and not only that but it's just so aggravating for me to believe that people can get away with something fucked up sometimes. I'm not saying that I'm not a forgiving person, don't get me wrong I can be forgiving but like I said it really pisses me off that certain people get away with something messed up for such a long time and not serve the consequences for it. I'm not saying that I have a hard time letting go many events, it just depends what the situation is and I understand there's people everywhere getting away with something and there so many problems around in the world but we're at the point where this world DESPERATELY needs a change because it's getting ridiculous and you can obviously see generation after generation just keeps getting worse and worse so imagine how scary this world would be like if it keeps breeding more stupidity for another 10 or 20 years. It's not just America where I see the issues at, it's everywhere. I know for a fact that if I somehow survive then I'll be considered to be taken into a psychiatric hospital but I just wish you'd get the perspective about me from people I really know in real life because i'm not trying to be a threat to anyone as you make it seem to be and yeah I'm crazy like I said earlier but I'm not crazy to the point where I deseve to be in a psychiatric hospital for such a long period of time. Everybody can be messed up in some ways, it's human nature and for those of you who are reading this who think I should be in the hospital or even in jail for what I was planning, let me ask you a question: what has ANYONE or ANYTHING accomplished to stop all the corruption in the world that's been going on for so long? Even if I didn't stop all the corruption, you have to admit that I was at least being heroic. Like what other method you think I've should've done because I tried so many, i'm not going to sit back and let the world suffer acting like things will be OK in the future and don't give me this "life is too short" BS, I mean yeah you should try to have as much fun as you can before you die but that's just only telling you that you shouldn't too worried about the future. I'll this you this though: if I survive then I don't know what to do with myself since I know I'll feel hopeless and the world isn't getting much hope but at least people would get my message so hopefully there will be some improvement.

I'm not trying to inspire anybody to kill themselves but if anyone does because they have similar reasons as mine then that's their choice. I'm not going to stop them unless if their reasoning isn't good enough, I don't want anybody to end their lives over some illegitimate reasoning but we're at this point where this society is digging into new lows before our eyes and I'll do whatever method I can to stop all this nonsense. We need a lot of awareness and I feel like we're not really getting enough to the point where citizens, groups, businesses, corporations etc. who are corrupt don't seem to realize that they're contributing to the downfall of this world and there's many that aren't getting the consequences they deserve. There's still so many people hurting others over the dumbest stuff ever, there's many people who are focusing on petty stuff a lot (Debating which Jordan shoes are better, who won in a big rap battle, bragging about how many followers they have on social media, talking about the Kardashians etc.) over stuff that are more important like figuring out how to defeat terrorism, school systems, health care, improving the economy, stopping racism, stopping exploitation I can go on. There's still so many people who have really messed up agendas so they can get where they really want in life and yet this world overall isn't doing an excellent job of holding them accountable. It's really sickening, i'm not putting up with it anymore.

There may be many people who'll be willing to put the blame on certain people but honestly don't blame the people who sold me all the things in order for me to commit suicide because they're trying to do their job and there should be things what you should really upset about
1. All the parents around who don't seem to care much about their children. 2. People or things like the media or the government whatever that spew a lot of BS and brainwash the masses. 3. People hurting or killing each other for stupid senseless reasons. It's just the way I've been thinking about this society is the reason why I've been staying in my house a lot and focus on my plan.

Once I die, I personally want to get cremated and I would like to my urn to be placed somewhere special and secured around the mountains in Colorado where no other deceased people are close if there is such place but if there isn't then I just want to be cremated in Colorado.

Honestly I was wishful these things would before I die but obviously it turned out it didn't: Seeing my favorite NFL team win a Super Bowl, go to Japan, be in a Tekken game and having some cutscenes, be in a South Park episode and go skydiving but even though I am a Jacksonville Jaguars fan, Phoenix Suns fan and Carolina Hurricanes fan: I just hope they hope win at least one championship in their existence and yes the Hurricanes has already won one but I didn't get to see them win it live and I hope I see them win another one in the afterlife. Go Suns, go Hurricanes and go Jags!

Here's a message to a certain someone or group that's mainly responsible for all the corruption in this world: You better PRAY that I don't see you in the afterlife because I will kill the ever living shit out of you over and over. I don't think there will be some good excuses coming from you and I don't think you'll have an idea who you could be dealing with.

If you're reading this: please do me a favor and download my notes and my Youtube vids just in case if one of my social media accounts get flagged. My whole plan that I had for so long is my ultimate goal and if I fail at it then I'll be spending the rest of my existence acknowleding that I died for nothing and the world would not be changed of course.

I know many people may still have a lot of questions for me since I'm deceased and I won't answer them or be able to defend myself but if anyone happens to see me in the afterlife and they want explanations from me then I'll try to make it really simple and coherent as I can if I feel like talking about it. I might not answer a whole lot of people for a long period of time because of course I'll get really tired of it and I hope somebody can make them understand something more about me somehow but for those who are alive: it's for you to make an argument on something about me and draw to your own conclusion but in the end once you happen to see me somehow then of course I will have it explained


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