Table of Contents
Madazine
In loving memory of The Courtjester
who passed into the world of light on
25th January 2020 at the age of 83.
Presented with love... Read Chapter
Impatient Patient
Impatient Patient
The following letter was saved for posterity by our typesetter, Phyllis Tyne. She had applied it to a gas
ring, i... Read Chapter
Millennial Angst
Editor’s Note: This item was misfiled on receipt and has finally emerged. It’s years out of date, but better
late than never.
M... Read Chapter
Telemarketing
Telemarketing
“Lord Garthlemmon’s residence. May I help you? … No, sir, I am the butler, Threadbare. … Very droll, sir.
How... Read Chapter
Sadsack Publishing Company
Sadsack Publishing Company
Dear Mr Underthwaite
Thank you for your letter and welcome to our haven for new writers. We know how w... Read Chapter
Venturesome Vacations
Venturesome Vacations
Excellent results have been announced by Hairshirt Holidays Ltd., British subsidiary of US giant, General
Haz... Read Chapter
Special Offer
Special Offer
“Good morning. Cre – “
“Yes. Sorry to break in. Could you connect me with Mr Lumb, please?”
“No can... Read Chapter
Where’s The Beef?
Where’s The Beef?
The following note was delivered to us by a small boy, who said he had been paid £1 by ‘a funny old geezer’
... Read Chapter
Man On The Spot
Man On The Spot
“Now, I was about to say that from Ned Forecastle and me, Sue Pream, that’s all from ‘The World This
Evening... Read Chapter
Kleptomania
Kleptomania
“Excuse me, sir. I wonder if you’d care to accompany me to my office at the rear of the store?
“Why?”
“... Read Chapter
Viewpoints
Viewpoints
The new novel by Jonathan Pestle reached the bookshops today, to the accompaniment of a mighty fanfare.
Critics’ opini... Read Chapter
A Traveller’s Tale
A Traveller’s Tale
We present here a copy of a letter sent to us by a man who also supplied a brief covering note describing
him ... Read Chapter
Top Management
Top Management
“Now we present the first in a new series ‘Our Country Today’, in which we shall be discussing a range of
issu... Read Chapter
How Are You?
We don’t know when or how the tale below was submitted to us. The original bears no date, address or
signature, and was found in a pl... Read Chapter
Star-Struck
Star-Struck
News from a village in County Donegal, Ireland, seems likely to cause uproar in the astrological world. Mr
Algon Quin c... Read Chapter
Independence Day
Independence Day
Greetings, my fellow Zubukians! I intended to address you today from the balcony of Government House.
Unfortunatel... Read Chapter
Aspects of Sport
The staff cornered me this morning, saying that we were short of material for today. I was given a stark
ultimatum – write or die! I ... Read Chapter
A Man And A Plan
Press-ganged again! Those inky blighters who do the menial work around here have locked me in my office,
demanding that I ransack my re... Read Chapter
From Two Cellars
The piece below was posted to us by a man who asks us not to reveal his name or address.
Editor
From Two Cellars
I make my own ... Read Chapter
Grey Power
Grey Power
The piece below is a copy of a letter we received recently, addressed to our editor and accompanied by a
note asking us ... Read Chapter
Valediction
Valediction
My friends, I have been asked to say a few words in memory of our departed colleague, Oswald Briddle. Some
of you may b... Read Chapter
It’s The Thought That Counts
Immediately after clocking in this morning I was given the hard word. Those thugs in the general office are
to deny me tea and biscuits... Read Chapter
Let’s Put It This Way
Let’s Put It This Way
“Minor emergency, Miss Froop. Could you spare a moment?”
“Of course, Mr Notch. What is it?”... Read Chapter
From Doctor Watson’s Archive
From Doctor Watson’s Archive
It was a dank November morning. The oily yellow fog which had enveloped London for two days dispersed ... Read Chapter
Letter From Behind The Beyond
Letter From Behind The Beyond
To whom it may concern on Earth:
If this reaches you, please note that it comes from the planet Zog... Read Chapter
It’s, You Know, Sort Of Tautological
The piece below is a copy of a note handed to us by a lady who does not wish her name or address to be
published. Editor
It’s, Yo... Read Chapter
Ships That Pass In The Night
Ships That Pass In The Night
A: You seem to be undecided, madam. Are you looking for somebody?
B: No, I was seeking an empty seat... Read Chapter
A Memorable Encounter
A Memorable Encounter
It was a big day for the town’s chess club. All but one of the forty-seven members were present, together
w... Read Chapter
The Reverend Speaks
The Reverend Speaks
And now, without further ado, I would like to introduce our main speaker for today, the Reverend Bernard
Railin... Read Chapter
Yours Wrathfully
Yours Wrathfully
We give below another of the long-missing items recovered by our star reporter, Trixie Larkspur. She still
won’t... Read Chapter
Figuring It Out
Figuring It Out
Monday morning:
Bob: Welcome, Jane and John. You’re the latest recruits to our sales team and I just nee... Read Chapter
There It Was, Gone
There It Was, Gone
To the editor of Madazine
Dear Sir,
I feel you might be interested to learn of an astonishing experience I... Read Chapter
Home Improvements
Home Improvements
Harold: Hello.
Muriel: Hello. Is that you, Harold?
Harold: Of course it is.... Read Chapter
Getting Right Down To It
Getting Right Down To It
A startling new project has begun in the north of England. It is the brainchild of Kevin Spout, who invited
... Read Chapter
Telling It Like It Is
Telling It Like It Is
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beeeep.
It’s ten o’clock here on BBC Radio 4. Well, it’s ten o’clock ... Read Chapter
The Reference
The Reference
From: Parkwood Brickworks
Old Lane
Lower Otterby
20 August
To: Smith & Company
12 New Street
Upper Otterb... Read Chapter
Transport For The High-Minded
Transport For The High-Minded
He’s at it again. Kevin Spout, inventor extraordinary, is working on a remarkable new project. No dou... Read Chapter
A View From Afar
A View From Afar
Dear Earthlings,
As readers of Madazine, we who are composing this letter know that you have already received a ... Read Chapter
I Quit
I Quit
To Nigel Gloater-Hogg: Head Of Human Resources
From Walter Grobble: Section Leader, Arrears Department
Dear Pigface
... Read Chapter
Horticultural Matters
Horticultural Matters
Announcer: I’m sure we are all grateful to Fred Green for enlightening us about so many aspects of
gardenin... Read Chapter
No Space In Space
No Space In Space
Another product of the astonishingly creative mind of Yorkshire inventor Kevin Spout was displayed today.
This ti... Read Chapter
So You Want To Be A Member Of Parliament
So You Want To Be A Member Of Parliament
Harry: Nice to see you again, Dave. Have a seat and tell me what’s on your mind.
David... Read Chapter
Customer Relations
Customer Relations
To: The Manager
Supreme Appliances
34 High Street
Dear Sir
I tried to call on you this evening, only t... Read Chapter
A Loser’s Lament
A Nod To R. W. Service
The great Robert Service wrote some stirring poems about the Yukon in general and the gold rush there in
par... Read Chapter
Bridging The Gaps
Bridging The Gaps
There was a remarkable occurrence in the suburbs of Sheffield this morning, when local inventor Kevin Spout
treat... Read Chapter
A Country Practice
A Country Practice
Midhampton, England, 1898
Jenkins: Ah, there goes the new doorbell. Two rings. That means it is for us. These ... Read Chapter
Life In The Dark Ages
Life In The Dark Ages
It has been said that much of the Anglo-Saxon period in England is not very well documented. Be that as it
ma... Read Chapter
How To Be Superior
How To Be Superior
Having been asked numerous times to offer tips on how to be superior, I feel that I must finally accede to
these... Read Chapter
Brexit Bulletin
Editor’s note. Some Madazine readers will know that we don’t usually deal with highly topical matters.
However, exceptions are made... Read Chapter
Ruling The Waves
Ruling The Waves
The East Yorkshire seaside resort of Bridlington was today the scene of the latest experiment conducted by
the red... Read Chapter
Funny Things, Numbers
Funny Things, Numbers
Tom: Good morning, Jim and Dan. We all know why we’re here. You’re relative newcomers to rifle
shoo... Read Chapter
Weather
Weather
(Sunday evening)
Come tomorrow’s morn, there shall be storms the like of which ye have ne’er seen, nay, the like of whi... Read Chapter
Perpetual Motion
Perpetual Motion
The Yorkshire inventor and engineer Kevin Spout has been in action once more. On this occasion the venue was
meado... Read Chapter
Where The Tough Get Going
Where The Tough Get Going
Madazine’s roving reporter, Trixie Larkspur, has just visited one of our more unusual seats of learning. ... Read Chapter
The Lampwick Letters : Number One
The Lampwick Letters : Number One
Dear Mr Amplegirth,
Thank you for sending me a copy of your essay about the Native Americans an... Read Chapter
Let Battle Commence
Let Battle Commence
Note: The item below is a letter we have received from a gentleman who has what we believe is an original
idea ... Read Chapter
Wandering Weapons
The item below is a letter posted to us few days ago. As readers know, we don’t normally publish material
related to current news, bu... Read Chapter
Don’t Mess With The Law
Don’t Mess With The Law
The closing stage of a court case.
Judge: Now, you have admitted that on the tenth of last month, you a... Read Chapter
Advanced Economics
Advanced Economics
Announcer: Good evening and welcome to Money Matters. This week we are fortunate to have with us Antony
Trite. I... Read Chapter
Straighten Up, Earthlings
The item below is another of those messages received occasionally at Madazine from one of the locations we
have come to think of as Beh... Read Chapter
Coinage
I have been told by the staff in our general office that it’s high time for me to make another contribution to Madazine’s pages. This... Read Chapter
Educating Jane
Educating Jane
John: Hello, Jane. Come in and make yourself comfortable.
Jane: Thank you. That’s a nice piece of music you’re... Read Chapter
A Cosmological Coup
The item below is a letter received recently at our office.
A Cosmological Coup
To the editor of Madazine
Dear Sir,
I wri... Read Chapter
The Modern Way Of Debating
The Modern Way Of Debating
The item below is a transcript of a conversation between George, the chairman of a political constituency
... Read Chapter
Homecoming
Homecoming
Newlyweds Brian and Janet moved into a flat on the ground floor of a recently completed two-storey block.
The following ... Read Chapter
An Introduction To Cricket
An Introduction To Cricket
Bill: Well, Joe, you said you wanted to see a game of cricket, so that you could compare it with your own
... Read Chapter
Fast Track To Immortality
Fast Track To Immortality
The item below is a letter we received a few days ago.
For the attention of the editor of Madazine.
... Read Chapter
Taking To The Air
Taking To The Air
Rodney: Make yourself comfortable Charles. You moved those chocks away from the main wheels,
right?
Charles: ... Read Chapter
Making It Clear
Making It Clear
You’re listening to Our Country Today with Sue Eager and me Jonathan Hustler. It’s ten past eight. There’s
be... Read Chapter
Golden Thoughts
The item below is a scribble our boss did recently. He probably didn’t mean to have it included in Madazine,
but he’s away for a co... Read Chapter
Speed Limit
Speed Limit
After a spell of inactivity, described by some of his critics as merciful, the Yorkshire engineer and
inventor Kevin Sp... Read Chapter
Leadership
Leadership
Donald: Take a seat, William. I imagine you know why I asked you to call in.
William: No, Donald. I’ve no idea what... Read Chapter
Prepositions And Other Things
Prepositions And Other Things
Conversation between two passengers, A and B, during a train journey.
A. Excuse me, but now that yo... Read Chapter
Crunch Meeting
Crunch Meeting
A country seeking to leave a large trading block with a substantial degree of social integration has had a
number of... Read Chapter
Broadcasting With A Difference
Broadcasting With A Difference
Alan: Take a seat, Tony. You’d better make yourself comfortable because you’ve some explaining to
... Read Chapter
The Interview
THE INTERVIEW
Two senior officials, Godfrey and Claude, are conducting an interview with the aim of recruiting spies for
the UK’s... Read Chapter
Come Again!
Come Again!
The closing stage of a recent hearing in a UK court included an extraordinary exchange between the chairman
of the magi... Read Chapter
The Philosopher's Stone
THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE?
Yet another spectacular event was staged today by the Yorkshire engineer and inventor Kevin Spout. This... Read Chapter
Parliamentary Exchange
Parliamentary Exchange
Minister: What we need here is a free, frank and open debate about the whole matter.
Member: Hogwash! When... Read Chapter
Francis Drake Reports
Francis Drake Reports
The item below is a transcript of a one-sided conversation in which Queen Elizabeth I talks to Francis Drake
... Read Chapter
As The Critics Saw It
As The Critics Saw It
Yesterday evening’s recital of piano music at the town hall was attended by two of our most prominent
criti... Read Chapter
The Appraisal
The Appraisal
Dorothy: Well, here we are, Matthew. This is the first time our employees have been given sight of their
annual ap... Read Chapter
The Hearing
The Hearing
Extract from the record of a court case held in the Judge’s chambers
Prosecutor: Now, Miss Gloat –
Defendant:... Read Chapter
See Your Doctor
See Your Doctor
Doctor: Good morning. What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: How do I know? You’re the doctor.
Doctor: True... Read Chapter
Altercation
Altercation
Dear Penfellow,
I have just read your supposedly funny piece about an electronic newt. Whatever gave you the idea tha... Read Chapter
Retail Psychology
Ruth: John, I’ve been meaning to speak to you about something that’s troubled me since I began working
here.
John: No time like... Read Chapter
Old Money
Visitor: Good morning.
Cashier: Good morning.
Visitor: I have a hundred in old tenners here and I’d like to exchang... Read Chapter
Saviour
The item below is a letter just received at our office
SAVIOUR
To the editor of Madazine.
Dear Mr Rider-Hawes,... Read Chapter
An Evening Out
A young married couple, Nicola and Thomas, hired a taxi for a whole evening. They had in mind to first call
at a public house for a dri... Read Chapter
Worklessness
The item below is a letter we have just received, which I think offers an interesting slant on a topic that seems to be on many minds at ... Read Chapter
Stalker
In loving memory of The Courtjester who passed into the world of light on 25th January 2020 at the age of
83
This story is from my ... Read Chapter
All At Sea
In loving memory of Scriptorius.
Another story from my Madazine Pending File.
ALL AT SEA
A recent radio shipping forecast.
... Read Chapter
Getting On A Bit
Note from Madazine’s outer office staff: When the cat’s away, the mice can play. Our editor wrote this poem,
which we can confirm r... Read Chapter
Shoot The Messenger
In loving memory of Scriptorius.
Another story from my Madazine Pending File.
The item below is a letter received here a couple of ... Read Chapter
As You Were
In loving memory of Scriptorius.
Another story from my Madazine Pending File.
The item below is a letter we received a day or two a... Read Chapter
Just Chatting
In loving memory of Scriptorius
Another story from my Madazine Pending File.
A: Nice weather. It makes one feel good about the whol... Read Chapter
Independence Day
On the 8th January Scriptorius would have been eighty-four, if he had stayed on this side of the veil of
consciousness that separates t... Read Chapter
Global Something
Another item from the Scriptorius ‘Madazine Pending’ file.
Even though it was written quite a while ago,
it relates astonishingly... Read Chapter
Ships That Pass In The Night
Today I would like to treat you to another one of my all-time favourites that ever came forth from
Scriptorius. Something to really mak... Read Chapter
Impatient Patient
As an Easter egg with a less fattening centre, I have come to share with you another one of my favourite
items from the Scriptorius Mad... Read Chapter
Wordsearch
Another item from the Courjester's Madazine Pending File
What's written below is another of those little rambles our chief penned, pr... Read Chapter
The Lambwick Letters : Number Two
The following is another item from the Pending File of the Scriptorius writings:
THE LAMPWICK LETTERS : NUMBER TWO
Dear Ms Gabble... Read Chapter
Market Forecasts
Another item from my pending file of the Scriptorius writings:
Tom: Hello, Jim. How goes it?
Jim: Fine. Are you keeping well?
... Read Chapter
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