Madazine

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

If you like your humour without strong language, sex, smut and violence, you have come to the right place.

Table of Contents

Madazine

In loving memory of The Courtjester who passed into the world of light on 25th January 2020 at the age of 83. Presented with love... Read Chapter

Impatient Patient

Impatient Patient The following letter was saved for posterity by our typesetter, Phyllis Tyne. She had applied it to a gas ring, i... Read Chapter

Millennial Angst

Editor’s Note: This item was misfiled on receipt and has finally emerged. It’s years out of date, but better late than never. M... Read Chapter

Telemarketing

Telemarketing “Lord Garthlemmon’s residence. May I help you? … No, sir, I am the butler, Threadbare. … Very droll, sir. How... Read Chapter

Sadsack Publishing Company

Sadsack Publishing Company Dear Mr Underthwaite Thank you for your letter and welcome to our haven for new writers. We know how w... Read Chapter

Venturesome Vacations

Venturesome Vacations Excellent results have been announced by Hairshirt Holidays Ltd., British subsidiary of US giant, General Haz... Read Chapter

Special Offer

Special Offer “Good morning. Cre – “ “Yes. Sorry to break in. Could you connect me with Mr Lumb, please?” “No can... Read Chapter

Where’s The Beef?

Where’s The Beef? The following note was delivered to us by a small boy, who said he had been paid £1 by ‘a funny old geezer’ ... Read Chapter

Man On The Spot

Man On The Spot “Now, I was about to say that from Ned Forecastle and me, Sue Pream, that’s all from ‘The World This Evening... Read Chapter

Kleptomania

Kleptomania “Excuse me, sir. I wonder if you’d care to accompany me to my office at the rear of the store? “Why?” “... Read Chapter

Viewpoints

Viewpoints The new novel by Jonathan Pestle reached the bookshops today, to the accompaniment of a mighty fanfare. Critics’ opini... Read Chapter

A Traveller’s Tale

A Traveller’s Tale We present here a copy of a letter sent to us by a man who also supplied a brief covering note describing him ... Read Chapter

Top Management

Top Management “Now we present the first in a new series ‘Our Country Today’, in which we shall be discussing a range of issu... Read Chapter

How Are You?

We don’t know when or how the tale below was submitted to us. The original bears no date, address or signature, and was found in a pl... Read Chapter

Star-Struck

Star-Struck News from a village in County Donegal, Ireland, seems likely to cause uproar in the astrological world. Mr Algon Quin c... Read Chapter

Independence Day

Independence Day Greetings, my fellow Zubukians! I intended to address you today from the balcony of Government House. Unfortunatel... Read Chapter

Aspects of Sport

The staff cornered me this morning, saying that we were short of material for today. I was given a stark ultimatum – write or die! I ... Read Chapter

A Man And A Plan

Press-ganged again! Those inky blighters who do the menial work around here have locked me in my office, demanding that I ransack my re... Read Chapter

From Two Cellars

The piece below was posted to us by a man who asks us not to reveal his name or address. Editor From Two Cellars I make my own ... Read Chapter

Grey Power

Grey Power The piece below is a copy of a letter we received recently, addressed to our editor and accompanied by a note asking us ... Read Chapter

Valediction

Valediction My friends, I have been asked to say a few words in memory of our departed colleague, Oswald Briddle. Some of you may b... Read Chapter

It’s The Thought That Counts

Immediately after clocking in this morning I was given the hard word. Those thugs in the general office are to deny me tea and biscuits... Read Chapter

Let’s Put It This Way

Let’s Put  It This Way “Minor emergency, Miss Froop. Could you spare a moment?” “Of course, Mr Notch. What is it?”... Read Chapter

From Doctor Watson’s Archive

From Doctor Watson’s Archive It was a dank November morning. The oily yellow fog which had enveloped London for two days dispersed ... Read Chapter

Letter From Behind The Beyond

Letter From Behind The Beyond To whom it may concern on Earth: If this reaches you, please note that it comes from the planet Zog... Read Chapter

It’s, You Know, Sort Of Tautological

The piece below is a copy of a note handed to us by a lady who does not wish her name or address to be published. Editor It’s, Yo... Read Chapter

Ships That Pass In The Night

Ships That Pass In The Night A: You seem to be undecided, madam. Are you looking for somebody? B: No, I was seeking an empty seat... Read Chapter

A Memorable Encounter

A Memorable Encounter It was a big day for the town’s chess club. All but one of the forty-seven members were present, together w... Read Chapter

The Reverend Speaks

The Reverend Speaks And now, without further ado, I would like to introduce our main speaker for today, the Reverend Bernard Railin... Read Chapter

Yours Wrathfully

Yours Wrathfully We give below another of the long-missing items recovered by our star reporter, Trixie Larkspur. She still won’t... Read Chapter

Figuring It Out

Figuring It Out Monday morning:   Bob: Welcome, Jane and John. You’re the latest recruits to our sales team and I just nee... Read Chapter

There It Was, Gone

There It Was, Gone To the editor of Madazine Dear Sir, I feel you might be interested to learn of an astonishing experience I... Read Chapter

Home Improvements

Home Improvements Harold:  Hello.   Muriel:  Hello. Is that you, Harold?   Harold:  Of course it is.... Read Chapter

Getting Right Down To It

Getting Right Down To It A startling new project has begun in the north of England. It is the brainchild of Kevin Spout, who invited ... Read Chapter

Telling It Like It Is

Telling It Like It Is Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beeeep. It’s ten o’clock here on BBC Radio 4. Well, it’s ten o’clock ... Read Chapter

The Reference

The Reference From: Parkwood Brickworks Old Lane Lower Otterby 20 August To: Smith & Company 12 New Street Upper Otterb... Read Chapter

Transport For The High-Minded

Transport For The High-Minded He’s at it again. Kevin Spout, inventor extraordinary, is working on a remarkable new project. No dou... Read Chapter

A View From Afar

A View From Afar Dear Earthlings, As readers of Madazine, we who are composing this letter know that you have already received a ... Read Chapter

I Quit

I Quit To Nigel Gloater-Hogg: Head Of Human Resources From Walter Grobble: Section Leader, Arrears Department Dear Pigface ... Read Chapter

Horticultural Matters

Horticultural Matters Announcer: I’m sure we are all grateful to Fred Green for enlightening us about so many aspects of gardenin... Read Chapter

No Space In Space

No Space In Space Another product of the astonishingly creative mind of Yorkshire inventor Kevin Spout was displayed today. This ti... Read Chapter

So You Want To Be A Member Of Parliament

So You Want To Be A Member Of Parliament Harry: Nice to see you again, Dave. Have a seat and tell me what’s on your mind. David... Read Chapter

Customer Relations

Customer Relations To: The Manager Supreme Appliances 34 High Street Dear Sir I tried to call on you this evening, only t... Read Chapter

A Loser’s Lament

A Nod To R. W. Service The great Robert Service wrote some stirring poems about the Yukon in general and the gold rush there in par... Read Chapter

Bridging The Gaps

Bridging The Gaps There was a remarkable occurrence in the suburbs of Sheffield this morning, when local inventor Kevin Spout treat... Read Chapter

A Country Practice

A Country Practice Midhampton, England, 1898 Jenkins: Ah, there goes the new doorbell. Two rings. That means it is for us. These ... Read Chapter

Life In The Dark Ages

Life In The Dark Ages It has been said that much of the Anglo-Saxon period in England is not very well documented. Be that as it ma... Read Chapter

How To Be Superior

How To Be Superior Having been asked numerous times to offer tips on how to be superior, I feel that I must finally accede to these... Read Chapter

Brexit Bulletin

Editor’s note. Some Madazine readers will know that we don’t usually deal with highly topical matters. However, exceptions are made... Read Chapter

Ruling The Waves

Ruling The Waves The East Yorkshire seaside resort of Bridlington was today the scene of the latest experiment conducted by the red... Read Chapter

Funny Things, Numbers

Funny Things, Numbers Tom: Good morning, Jim and Dan. We all know why we’re here. You’re  relative newcomers to rifle shoo... Read Chapter

Weather

Weather (Sunday evening) Come tomorrow’s morn, there shall be storms the like of which ye have ne’er seen, nay, the like of whi... Read Chapter

Perpetual Motion

Perpetual Motion The Yorkshire inventor and engineer Kevin Spout has been in action once more. On this occasion the venue was meado... Read Chapter

Where The Tough Get Going

Where The Tough Get Going Madazine’s roving reporter, Trixie Larkspur, has just visited one of our more unusual seats of learning. ... Read Chapter

The Lampwick Letters : Number One

The Lampwick Letters : Number One Dear Mr Amplegirth, Thank you for sending me a copy of your essay about the Native Americans an... Read Chapter

Let Battle Commence

Let Battle Commence Note: The item below is a letter we have received from a gentleman who has what we believe is an original idea ... Read Chapter

Wandering Weapons

The item below is a letter posted to us few days ago. As readers know, we don’t normally publish material related to current news, bu... Read Chapter

Don’t Mess With The Law

Don’t Mess With The Law The closing stage of a court case. Judge: Now, you have admitted that on the tenth of last month, you a... Read Chapter

Advanced Economics

Advanced Economics Announcer: Good evening and welcome to Money Matters. This week we are fortunate to have with us Antony Trite. I... Read Chapter

Straighten Up, Earthlings

The item below is another of those messages received occasionally at Madazine from one of the locations we have come to think of as Beh... Read Chapter

Coinage

I have been told by the staff in our general office that it’s high time for me to make another contribution to Madazine’s pages. This... Read Chapter

Educating Jane

Educating Jane John: Hello, Jane. Come in and make yourself comfortable. Jane: Thank you. That’s a nice piece of music you’re... Read Chapter

A Cosmological Coup

The item below is a letter received recently at our office. A Cosmological Coup To the editor of Madazine Dear Sir, I wri... Read Chapter

The Modern Way Of Debating

The Modern Way Of Debating The item below is a transcript of a conversation between George, the chairman of a political constituency ... Read Chapter

Homecoming

Homecoming Newlyweds Brian and Janet moved into a flat on the ground floor of a recently completed two-storey block. The following ... Read Chapter

An Introduction To Cricket

An Introduction To Cricket Bill: Well, Joe, you said you wanted to see a game of cricket, so that you could compare it with your own ... Read Chapter

Fast Track To Immortality

Fast Track To Immortality The item below is a letter we received a few days ago. For the attention of the editor of Madazine. ... Read Chapter

Taking To The Air

Taking To The Air Rodney: Make yourself comfortable Charles. You moved those chocks away from the main wheels, right? Charles: ... Read Chapter

Making It Clear

Making It Clear You’re listening to Our Country Today with Sue Eager and me Jonathan Hustler. It’s ten past eight. There’s be... Read Chapter

Golden Thoughts

The item below is a scribble our boss did recently. He probably didn’t mean to have it included in Madazine, but he’s away for a co... Read Chapter

Speed Limit

Speed Limit After a spell of inactivity, described by some of his critics as merciful, the Yorkshire engineer and inventor Kevin Sp... Read Chapter

Leadership

Leadership Donald: Take a seat, William. I imagine you know why I asked you to call in. William: No, Donald. I’ve no idea what... Read Chapter

Prepositions And Other Things

Prepositions And Other Things Conversation between two passengers, A and B, during a train journey. A. Excuse me, but now that yo... Read Chapter

Crunch Meeting

Crunch Meeting A country seeking to leave a large trading block with a substantial degree of social integration has had a number of... Read Chapter

Broadcasting With A Difference

Broadcasting With A Difference Alan: Take a seat, Tony. You’d better make yourself comfortable because you’ve some explaining to ... Read Chapter

The Interview

THE INTERVIEW Two senior officials, Godfrey and Claude, are conducting an interview with the aim of recruiting spies for the UK’s... Read Chapter

Come Again!

Come Again! The closing stage of a recent hearing in a UK court included an extraordinary exchange between the chairman of the magi... Read Chapter

The Philosopher's Stone

THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE? Yet another spectacular event was staged today by the Yorkshire engineer and inventor Kevin Spout. This... Read Chapter

Parliamentary Exchange

Parliamentary Exchange Minister: What we need here is a free, frank and open debate about the whole matter. Member: Hogwash! When... Read Chapter

Francis Drake Reports

Francis Drake Reports The item below is a transcript of a one-sided conversation in which Queen Elizabeth I talks to Francis Drake ... Read Chapter

As The Critics Saw It

As The Critics Saw It Yesterday evening’s recital of piano music at the town hall was attended by two of our most prominent criti... Read Chapter

The Appraisal

The Appraisal Dorothy: Well, here we are, Matthew. This is the first time our employees have been given sight of their annual ap... Read Chapter

The Hearing

The Hearing Extract from the record of a court case held in the Judge’s chambers Prosecutor: Now, Miss Gloat – Defendant:... Read Chapter

See Your Doctor

See Your Doctor Doctor: Good morning. What seems to be the trouble? Patient: How do I know? You’re the doctor. Doctor: True... Read Chapter

Altercation

Altercation Dear Penfellow, I have just read your supposedly funny piece about an electronic newt. Whatever gave you the idea tha... Read Chapter

Retail Psychology

Ruth: John, I’ve been meaning to speak to you about something that’s troubled me since I began working here. John: No time like... Read Chapter

Old Money

Visitor:  Good morning. Cashier: Good morning. Visitor:  I have a hundred in old tenners here and I’d like to exchang... Read Chapter

Saviour

The item below is a letter just received at our office   SAVIOUR To the editor of Madazine. Dear Mr Rider-Hawes,... Read Chapter

An Evening Out

A young married couple, Nicola and Thomas, hired a taxi for a whole evening. They had in mind to first call at a public house for a dri... Read Chapter

Worklessness

The item below is a letter we have just received, which I think offers an interesting slant on a topic that seems to be on many minds at ... Read Chapter

Stalker

In loving memory of The Courtjester who passed into the world of light on 25th January 2020 at the age of 83 This story is from my ... Read Chapter

All At Sea

In loving memory of Scriptorius. Another story from my Madazine Pending File. ALL AT SEA A recent radio shipping forecast. ... Read Chapter

Getting On A Bit

Note from Madazine’s outer office staff: When the cat’s away, the mice can play. Our editor wrote this poem, which we can confirm r... Read Chapter

Shoot The Messenger

In loving memory of Scriptorius. Another story from my Madazine Pending File. The item below is a letter received here a couple of ... Read Chapter

As You Were

In loving memory of Scriptorius. Another story from my Madazine Pending File. The item below is a letter we received a day or two a... Read Chapter

Just Chatting

In loving memory of Scriptorius Another story from my Madazine Pending File. A: Nice weather. It makes one feel good about the whol... Read Chapter

Independence Day

On the 8th January Scriptorius would have been eighty-four, if he had stayed on this side of the veil of consciousness that separates t... Read Chapter

Global Something

Another item from the Scriptorius ‘Madazine Pending’ file. Even though it was written quite a while ago, it relates astonishingly... Read Chapter

Ships That Pass In The Night

Today I would like to treat you to another one of my all-time favourites that ever came forth from Scriptorius. Something to really mak... Read Chapter

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