The Lovely Leander

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic


His life is complicated and bizarre, can he ever rid himself of "him"?

Submitted: October 18, 2017

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Submitted: October 18, 2017

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The cold seeps through my stain glass windows that see into my bedroom. I can hear the sound of the tree branch scraping on my bedside window. My mouth is dry and my eyes are tired. I’m awake. It seems sleeping is my only escape from him. He criticizes me, and breaks me down at every attempt of self improvement I try to take. I hate him, but in a way I need him.

 

“Xavier!” “Wake up honey, time for school, hurry up and get ready you’re going to be late.” Boy my mother’s voice can really startle the life out of you. “I’m up!” I exclaim back to her in the same tone of voice she uses, as if I’m mocking her. Usually at this time he’s hiding, and doesn’t come out to antagonize me till school, so I enjoy this time I have away from him. Shuffling to my closet, I find the first shirt that doesn’t smell like ass and I slip it over my bed head. God my closet is more of a mess than I am, I chuckle. The first chuckle I’ve had in years.

It’s beautiful in my home this morning, I never seem to notice the bright rays of sunlight pouring into the home like rain into an empty gutter. I gallop down stairs, kissing my sister on her forehead on the way down. She’s my ray of sunshine. She has her hair pinned up in these ridiculous bows my mom makes her wear. Although neither of us has the heart to tell her just how dreadful they look. Reaching the climax of the long, spiral shaped 1800’s type staircase, I’m short of breath. “I hate these damn pills mom.” “They’re for your own good honey, what did Doctor Henry tell you?” Psh, I hate when she speaks about my Psychiatrist. I loathe Dr. Henry a tad bit less than I hate him. “Do you want some breakfast love? I made pancakes and eggs, your favorite.” Her pancakes were never in a perfect circle which was sort of bothersome. “Sure mom, I’ll have some.” I hesitate my words and she somehow catches it. “Honey if you don’t want any, don’t trouble yourself, I won’t take offense.” “I’m just not that hungry mom.” I can see the hurt in her eyes, all she ever wants to do is try to make my mornings the best she can. That’s just the type of person she is: loving.

“Take your pill, so I can take you to school then.” She’s upset with me. I walk over to the cupboard where we keep my endless supply of medication, “I more than likely could make a fortune selling all of this,” I ponder to myself as my hand reaches for an empty glass. I fill it up with some tap water, unscrew the child safety top of my pill bottle, gently reach my sausage like fingers into the bottle and pull out one white shaped circular pill. Holding it up to eye level, I analyze it, it’s my morning routine.  The pill is small, about half the size of a penny, has a magnolia color to it, and is etched with random numbers and the number fifty on the front. Down the hatch I suppose. As the pill touches my tongue my mouth fills with a taste of chalk, grainy powdery chalk. I couldn’t reach quicker for my water. As it leaves my mouth along with the water and enters my stomach, I make a overly explicit gulp. “Time for a better day, honey.” She simpers at me. Her face so full of love, and completely oblivious to what lies ahead for me at school. “I suppose so mom, as long as he doesn’t show up.”

I love the car ride to school, when I say love I mean I absolutely love it. So peaceful, since my mother takes back roads from our home which is located on the other side of our small town: Canella. Everyone seems to know everyone here and at times that can be extremely annoying. I’m feeling dizzy already, one of the many side effects from my medication. “Mom I’m going to voo.” I regurgitate nothingness. And still I am soaked in this nothingness, clear colored, odorless, watery film that covers my cutoffs. “Great now my cutoffs smell like shit.” “Watch your mouth, Xavier. Let me pull over, I always keep a spare set of clothes in the trunk.” God, I love this woman. I quickly change in the small backside of our two door bmw, to avoid being late to school. “Thanks mom.” “You’re welcome my sunshine.” I hate pet names, but when she says them to me, I feel just a small amount of happiness. Arriving at my plain jane school, I look out the window in utter despair. This two story, brown colored, nineteen hundreds excuse for education is sickening. The classrooms are small, and the smell of hand sanitizer and cheap perfume and cologne fill my nose. The hallways are bright, to bright. Green colored lockers are on every side of me as I walk into my history class. I loathe it here, I hate the people and they’re snarky comments, and the way their eyes seem to judge me from my feet up.

Walking into class, I pass my friend Thomas. “How are ya, mate?” “I’m okay man.” I reluctantly answer, as I try to escape more conversation with him. “I’ve got to go sit down, I’ll see you after class.” “Alright man.” My professor is this thirty something year old with slicked jet black hair, as if a camel licked it every morning. His voice as monotone as monotone could be. “ Everyone turn to page…” “Hi Xavier, did you miss me?” “Shit.” I say out loud not noticing. Great now I have every face in this classroom stitched onto me with their utmost attention. “Did you say something Mr. Garcas?” I hate that last name. “No sir, I didn’t I’m sorry.” “Erm May I go to the restroom?” “Sure don’t be long.” All these beady little eyes seem to trace my every movement as I get up from my chair and walk out of the classroom, as the door was closing I caught briefly. “What a weirdo.” I make my way to my own little hiding spot nestled behind our stage in our auditorium. Nobody goes back there until eighth period, so I’m safe for now. It’s euphoric being away from people.

“What the hell do you want.” I yell in my head. “Did you think those pills that Dr. asshat gave to you, could actually get rid of me?” “I don’t want to deal with you right now Leander, I’m at school, leave me the hell alone.” “Why are you even hear buddy ole pal? So all these people can think you’re normal? You will never fit in, they hate you. They despise you.” “I’m trying to be normal, damnit.” Tears fill my eyes behind my glasses. “You’ll never fit in, you’ll never be normal. Give up, give up, give up, give up, give uuu.” “SHUT UP!” I yell out loud. “Hello, are you okay?” Damnit my teacher for english. “Yes ma’am I’m fine, sorry I was on the phone.” “Well you shouldn’t be back there, hurry on and get back to class.” “Yes ma’am.” Ms. Beth’s beauty is of such high standard. She seems to always dress up in these ridiculously colored dresses, with shoes whose colors don’t even match. She’s weird, like me. “She’s something else isn’t she? Wouldn’t you like to see under that dress?” “Shut the hell up leander.” “Make me, psycho.”

I slap my head as hard as I can as if something so measly like a slap could really make him go away. I walk back into class and find my seat. I put my head down and my headphones in trying to block out the sound of Leander breaking me down. The bell rings, as I’m shuffling out of class while carrying my supplies and onto my next period I whisper in my head. “You’re gone aren’t you.” No answer, yes, could it be? The damn pills worked? Every class period goes by with ease, I’m actually able to take notes and try to understand just what the hell my teachers are spewing out of their mouths. As the day draws to a close, I call my mom. “Mom, can you pick me up early? I’m not feeling so good.” “What’s going on Xavier, you only call me when he shows up.” “It’s fine mom, I think he’s gone for today. Just come get me please?” “Fine I’ll be there shortly. Wait for me in the front of the school.” “Thanks, I love you.”

Dinner is always a welcomed meal to my stomach. I can never keep my breakfast down because of my medication. I’ve tried countless different types of medication and all have the same if not worse effects on me. Maybe I’m just screwed, screwed to deal with him for the rest of my life. I quickly shut the thought down and dismiss it as I have countless times before. Leander gets the best of me, I’m scared of him. My mother is in her ridiculous apron as if she’s the best chef in all of Canella. “Honey wash up, and sit down.” “Yes, ma’am.” I reply quickly to not to upset her. “Here’s your steak honey, medium rare like you like it.” “Thanks mom, I’ve been pretty hungry all day.” “Oh by the way Xavier I saw your doctor today, and I told him, that he seems to be coming around when you’re at school and he prescribed something to help. You can take it after you’re done with your food.” Oh great, I thought. She reaches into her purse, which by the way is the size of my backpack almost. Bright yellow, and it has these small patches of mediocre drawings of small and bright dandelions etched into the sides. A pill bottle ascends out of her brightly colored purse and into my line of sight. “I’m done mom.” “Okay, go

put your plate in the sink and come back here so you can take your pill.” I try to take my time awkwardly shuffling my feet from our dining room table towards the sink.

Walking up to the sink I notice outside of the kitchen window that there’s children playing at the park in front of our home. Why couldn’t I be so carefree? So normal? Why can’t I enjoy one day not worrying about whether or not Leander was going to interfere and turn it into shit. “Psh I guess I can’t.” “You can’t what love?” My mother replies as if I was speaking to her. “Nothing mom, it’s just erm, he completely destroys everything. I’ll never be anything with him hanging around. I can’t escape him no matter how hard I try, and these pills mom, these fucking pills don’t help at all. I’m falling apart and all you and my damn doctor can do is sit there and watch!” I throw my half eaten plate as hard as I can towards our white floor. It smashes, into a million or so it seemed, pieces. My mother yells “What the hell Xavier!” I carefully tip toe over the mess I created and stomp my way up to my room as if I’m some four year old throwing a temper tantrum. I quickly open the door to my bedroom, kick off my nikes, and fall into my bed.

The sheets smell of lavender. The bed seems to fit my every curve, and makes it that much more comfortable. I start to cry, I can feel the tears as they run down my cheek and some into the corners of my mouth. “Don’t cry, I’ll always be here for you.” I cup my hands around my ears and scream “Get out!” and to no prevail. “You really think screaming like a dumbass will get rid of me buddy? I’m here to stay, I am you.” “I just want you to go away and never come back, I hate you, I hate you so much.” He sounds as if he’s talking directly into my ear, as if he knows everything I’m about to say. I guess he is me. “Aw, don’t cry, you know it really hurts me when you cry.” “Shut up, Leander.” “Don’t you get it? I mean by now you must’ve figured it out. You’re stuck with me, and I’m not going anywhere, unlike your dad. What was his name again, huh? Oh yeah, he abandoned you and your mother’s sorry ass before you could even look at him with that ridiculous face and speak his name.” My blood is boiling, I feel it as it slithers through my veins just like he does.

I can’t take this anymore. His words are repeating over, and over again in my head. “Like your father left, like your father left, like your father left.” How does he even know that? How does he know that it could hurt me like this?” “I’m not going to let him win.” I think to myself. “Just what the hell do you plan on doing huh, Xavier?” “Getting rid of you.” My eyes quickly dart across my spacious bedroom. I don’t know what I’m looking for. There, on the nightstand. “My pills.” I said to myself. He’s not going to win. I quickly reach for my bottle of pills. “Xavier, are you okay in there?” My mom yells through the wooden door, while knocking. “Yes mom, I just would like to be alone right now, okay?” I can hear her footsteps as these descend down the hallway, one by one, getting further and further away from my depth of hearing. I fondle to remove the cap, “Damn child lock.” The pill bottle makes this wonderful sound of nirvana as the top pops off. It radiates through my bones and reminds me that it’ll be okay. I fill the cups of my right hand with about twenty or so of the same magnolia colored spheres of chalky wonder. “Waiii.” I fill my mouth up with these pills, and grab my bottle of water on my bedside table. Chalk fills the lining of my cheeks, I gulp, and then cough. I can feel the medication as they travel down my esophagus and into my stomach. I smile, a smile of relief. I fall back, back into this safety net I have imagined, back into the one place where I found solidarity from him, to the one place that makes me feel okay.

Waking up to the sound of my name is unsettling, it gives me goosebumps all across my skin. The air smells of bleach, and as I open my crusted eyelids I notice unfamiliar faces, a doctor I’ve never seen before at my local hospital. I’m in a gray hospital gown. The room is barren and cold, there’s nothing more than a chair and a small desk. A desk like I used to sit in back when I was in middle school. White colored walls with oblique tile indents. The ceiling is nothing more but flat white drywall. There’s an ominous picture clinging to the wall as if hammered in place. It depicts a boy no more than the age of 9, sitting on a red bench staring into a forest so rich with luscious trees and in the background is the sun setting behind the trees. Its beautiful yet mysterious as this room is. “What is this place.” I thought to myself, anxiety building up with each direction my eyes moved, until finally a tall, well groomed man with hair as thick as the shrubs that surround our front yard walked in. He smelled of department store cologne, and had this funny walk to him.  He was dressed in his sunday best as if he was late for an important corporate meeting with the President of the United States.

“Xavier, hi I’m Dr. Ramsey, you may be wondering where you are. You’re at Canella sanitorium. You were transferred here when you were stable enough from Canella ER.” “ I’m not crazy, why am I here? I’m fine, see?” I begin trying to justify my actions, justify the clarity of how mentally stable I am, when in fact it’s quite the opposite. “Don’t worry Xavier, we’re going to take good care of you.” As I begin to ponder just what that means my mother storms through my the door leading into my new room, I guess.  “Xavier my love, why in the hell would you do something like that?” Her eyes open up, and begin to sparkle with tears running down her soft cheeks. I follow them as they drip onto my hospital gown. She hugs me, tightly. “I’m sorry mom, I thought, I thought I was okay.” “You aren’t my love, you need help. I’ve tried doing all I could for you. Nothing seems to be working.” “I know you have mom, and I’m sorry I’m putting you through this. Don’t worry I’m going to get better and you and I as well as Hailey, will be happy like we used to be before he came around.” She places her hand up to my cheek and caresses it. “I know honey, I know.” The look in her eyes seem as if she’s the only one that can see what’s really going to become of me and I can’t. “Excuse Ms. Garcas I’m sorry but visiting time is over and you’ll have to leave, I can show you out if you’d like.” “I love you, Xavier, I’ve got to skedaddle out of here before I get thrown out.” How can this woman be joking at a time like this? How marvelous could she be?  “I love you mom, I’ll get better you’ll see.” “Yes you will honey, I’ll be back tomorrow to see you.” She turns her back to me and begins to walk out of this seven foot tall metallic door that keeps me inclosed in my room. But before she reaches the exit, she turns to me and gives me a smile. A smile I’ll cling to for as long as I’m in here. “I’ll make it through this.” I thought excitedly to myself as I fumbled the sheets over my cold feet and under my neck, getting comfy. “I’ll be fine.”


 

The seasons have changed countless times. What was once a cold frightening winter has evolved into a comfortable fall. It’s been two years. Two years since I watched my mother turn to me and smile. I can’t believe she’s dead. I can’t imagine why. Was it me that made it end like that? Did I somehow play a hand in what became of her? What did I do so wrong to lose the one thing keeping me sane? These questions I have struggled with for a while. The pills help me forget what needs to be forgotten. I haven’t heard from Leander in two years since that night. I don’t know where he went, and I don’t care. I’m completely alone like he wanted.

“You’ll never be alone Xavier. I’ll always be right here.”

 


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