Thoughts about Death

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic


Just some thoughts around the topic of death.

Submitted: October 22, 2017

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Submitted: October 22, 2017

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If you had a potion of immortality would you take it? Do you wish to be here forever? Yes? No? There are a lot of people out there with a lot of different oppinions. Some would indeed drink it while others would not. Some think that living enternally is a gift and others a curse. Personally, I don't know. I honestly don't know. If I knew I would not write these words here and now.

Death scares me. I can admit this much. Whenever I think about it chills run down my spine. My breaths is cutten short and I feel dizzy. The thought of myself not existing is something terrifying. And even though some would tell me that it is fine and that it shall happen to everyone or that I won't be able to feel anything when it does happen, it still scares me. When I think that I may close my eyes and let the dark take me away,drifting to sleep slowly every night, yet never opening my eyes ever again, a sick feeling turns my guts upside down and it spreads through my bloodstream to my limbs and finally my toes and fingertips consuming me. 

Death truely terriefies me.

And no I don't believe in god. I don't disbelieve either mind you. My logic has turned me into an agnostic and I respect every different oppinion on the matter because of a simple fact: I don't know what comes next. From what I have expirinced and from my own knowledge, no one has returned from the dead to tell us neither I had ever felt a certain power over me and I have never had any superficial feeling within my life. The chances of something that exists after death is the same as the chances of having nothing after our final breaths for me. I don't know, I will probably never know and I can't take speculations and personal beliefs as knowledge. I simple don't know. 

That frightens me even more. Because after you admit you don't know and you simple believe something either cause you were taught from a young age to do so or your logic has led you there, you start exploring ideas of what there might actually be afterwards and every single different path seems extremely... eerie. At least this is what happened in my case.

Heaven and Hell, or anything close to it; pretty idea and really tempting, if we take into account it's simple structure. Good people go to Heaven, bad people go to Hell. Clean-Easy-Done. Almost like a vaccum honestly... But is it fair? Who is truely pure and good and who "evil"? What is "evil" anyway? And what if you actually redeem yourself? And even if all for some is very unclouded, how Heaven actually looks like? Do I really want to leave this place for such a thing? Is it worth it? I don't know... It scares me.

Having nothing on the other hand is simple something that makes me want to puke. Is this really all I get? Do I really have no purpose? Are everything so meaningless? Such ideas make my body tremple; I want to hit my fists on the walls of my room and scream my heart out for this is so... empty. The idea of nothing else and no purpose makes me feel empty...

Other lifes sound like a pretty and romantic dream. You come back again and again, living new things and meeting people - others from your past and others who are completely new. But again, what's the purpose? And more importantly: if there are lives you don't remember, do they really matter? If I wake up after my death in a new body and with a fresh brain without remembering anything from this one... What have accomplished? Moreover, the thought of the today me having past lives I completely forgot and will never again remember makes my spirit break; how do I know who i really am if I can't even remember who I was?

And then there is the possibility of being in a different state that is so extremely different than the one I have now that I can't even think about it... I don't think I need to explain why this is the scariest of them all; the human brain has the tendacy to avoid or be hostile against whetever concept it cannot grasp for a reason.

Because of all the above, yes I would like to take the potion. I would drink every single drop, tastying it's sweet content as if it was the most fresh whine in the whole world. Because that would mean that I wouldn't have to be scared anymore. I would be free of fear and that is a salvation I wish I could almost everyday of my life. However, do I really not want to die?

I'm not of an old age. I'm actually pretty young for an adult. I come from a fine family and I have no diseases eating away my life neither economical problems that would push me down. I have a mediocare life. And it feels empty.
Call it drama, bitching or stupidity, but people have treated me bad. Or so I think they did. I was never accepted in groups and people tend to avoid me. Whether that is my own fault or their own it is a thing I still wonder and try to find out... Whetever the case is, the point is that I'm pretty lonely friend wise. And when you are so lonely to the point where no one expect my very close family cares about me, someone has to wonder: "Does my life truely matter?". If I wake up or not tommorow morning no one will care or cry. The clock will only stop for my family for a small time, compare to their lifetime, and then it will move on again. As for the rest of the world? It won't even notice... Not that if I had friends that would change much. But it is sweeter for the ego of the human being to have more people cry for it's loss, no matter how incignificant their actual life is to the world. That alone causes suffering; the empty space of how small and tiny and useless you actually are to the world cannot be filled easily.

But even if you did find a way to fill the space, would you really want to stay? Would you really want to see all your friends die and you having to see places and faces wither away and die? And if you don't mind that, would you not get bored living in this world entarnally? It could be just me, but everywhere I look, no one is truely too special; not me, not my family and not everyone else. Everyone looks like someone else and everyone has a certain "steretype" that they fall into whether or not they want to. No one truely has any new ideas or says something new; it is the same words spoke in different structure. Even this very same words I type I know they have been typed before, many years before I was even born, again and again and again just in a different form. So, would you really want to live in this very boring world? Would you never get bored of the same pleasures and same failings?

And even if you didn't, should you not die? Do we really need the same brains to hang around here for an entirnety? The same brains that think of racial differences or are lusting for blood or never have any new ideas? Between you and me, none of us is so smart or talented to be able to produce enternal good or enternal new. So maybe we should allow more space for the new ones to come and try to change something; maybe we should just do what it is the best we can do for now and then let the new ones take the wheel.

For this I wouldn't take the potion.

And like this, I am always suffering inside of me. Whether death is the right solution or not, whether I should hope for it or try to avoid it, I don't know. I'm curious to see what comes afterwards, if it comes, and to allow for others to take my place and try to do something more than me, but I'm also very scared to leave this wolrd, which I know and I want to explore even more, for something that I don't even know whether or not it exists...
Of course it doesn't matter, right? As of now nothing can make me immortal so there is no point in thi discussion but... I really needed to get this off my chest. I really needed to express what I don't dare to express cause I'm afraid I would be thought of as a lunatic. Now that is off, I hope I will finally be able to sleep with less nightmares over me.
Goodnight.


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