a real story about somebody I deeply cared about

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


Hi, this is a story about a friendship that I had. I'm not English so I don't really know how to use the punctuation and also, there may be some mistakes and I deeply apologize for that.

Submitted: October 22, 2017

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Submitted: October 22, 2017

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The time has finally come. I’ve kept it in my subconscious for too long and now I‘ve reached the highest level of unbearableness and I feel the need to tell you everything about it. I’m actually a really bad storyteller so bare with me, please. It all happened two years ago. At least I think. Yeah, it was two years ago. Wow. I didn’t expect it to be such a long time since it all happened. It’s kind of funny that even after all these years I still remember it all. I think that shows how much I actually cared. And I still do. Care. You know, I frankly don’t care about anything much, but for some reason, I care about these memories that I’m about to tell you.

You know, it was the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever had. I’m not saying we were together or so, but we were connected. Like, really connected. We met at a prep course for a gymnasium. That’s, like, high school, you know. I didn’t know math very well and my mum made me sign up for these prep courses so I would pass my entrance exams, which I didn’t, but whatever.

So I was sitting by the window, from which you could see the cemetery, in the fourth row and he was sitting in the third row right in front of me. I didn’t really notice him at first but then his dark curly haired head turned to me and he asked me if I wanted some candy and showed me his hands and they were full of candies of all kinds. It felt really weird at first because, like, who the hell carries so much candy with them? That’s weird, right, at this time, I mean today, in the 21st century? Today we think that he might be some kind of a pedophile and use this candy as a bait for little children to go with him somewhere. No, I think he just wanted to make friends. Well, because I was kind of terrified from our first contact I said that I don’t want any candy. I really didn’t. But I wanted to keep talking to him. But I was too big of a coward to make the first move. You know, I should tell you that I used to be really shy and an absolute introvert and the task of talking to anybody first by myself was kind of impossible for me. So I stayed quiet. When the course ended I said goodbye to him.

I won’t bother you with detailed storytelling. I’m just going to skip all the prep courses and the beginnings of our friendship and get right into the important part. We started texting and I was genuinely looking forward to every message he sent me. And you know what happens when you have been texting too much and it gets annoying and then you completely stop texting because there are no things left to say? Well, that happened. We never really forgot about each other but the constant writing wasn’t fun anymore. Then I started to like one boy from my class, let’s call him PJ, (biggest mistake I’ve ever made, but that’s a different story) and we ended up dating. We got together on June 28th and we dated for two years. The whole relationship was kind of on and off, we split up and got together right after that. And that happened fifteen times a least. That’s actually really important because if you didn’t know it, the story wouldn’t make much sense to you.

The holiday was starting and I began to really love PJ. I was actually head over heels with this guy I don’t even understand why, though, because I lost so many time by just being with him and most importantly, I lost Bartholomew as well. That was his name, unusual, right? Sorry, just got little carried away for a bit. Now, back to the holiday. I think I felt that PJ wasn’t treating me right, because if he was, would I be tempted to talk to anyone else but him? I don’t think so. I think I was really unhappy in my relationship. And I started to miss the way Bartholomew talked to me. He understood me and he truly saw the real me. So, we started talking again. But this time it was way more intimate. Do people still say that? Intimate? I’m not sure. But I’m going to leave the word there because that describes it best. I think I actually started to fall in love with him. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but PJ and I couldn’t tell him this so I kept the feelings for myself. The holiday was over and I still couldn’t get over the way I felt about Bartholomew.

One day he had a concert with his band. Have I mentioned that he played guitar? I don’t think I did. Well, he played the electric guitar in his band. So, I was invited to this concert of his. I just really wanted to hear him play, so I went there and of course, I couldn’t tell PJ, he would go crazy, so I secretly went there just to hear him play. Their first song was the cover of Californication, you know, we had the same music taste and Red Hot Chili Peppers was one of our common favorite bands. I cried when they played it, you know? I think he didn’t even notice that I came there because later on when I decided to go home, he texted me if I was there. When I told him that was just leaving, he told me to wait for him so we could go home together. We agreed to spend the day together in my house because it was really cold outside.

You don’t need the details, he just played some songs for me, I played for him too (I play the piano) and then we listened to music and talked and then he left. I forgot to mention that he had to walk home so I borrowed him one of my sweatshirts that he liked. I wore mainly men sweatshirts, you know? So he didn’t look bad at all in it. He actually for a change left his shirt at my place. I really loved the way he looked at me. Like, I knew that he had a crush on me and it was just so beautiful to feel wanted.

Two days after that I decided to break up with PJ. I made up the reason why I wanted the breakup, I think I told him that I just wanted to be friends with him. So lame, I know. But he agreed to it. I was so happy. I invited Bartholomew to hang out that day. We ended up being at my house because of the winter. And maybe also because we wanted to be alone. We kissed that day. During the song Slow Cheetah. This song is always going to be linked to that moment. I’m actually going to tell you how it happened. So, I was just sitting on my bed, choosing music and he was standing in front of me. I don’t even know why but I suddenly had the urge to hug him, so I stood up on the bed and went down for the hug. I wasn’t even that close to the embrace and I was already closing my eyes but then he grabbed my hands and kissed me unexpectedly.

 (I’m sorry to interrupt the story but I need to tell you what just happened to me. I’m not even shitting you but I’m listening to songs as I write the story and Slow Cheetah just started randomly playing wtf what a random fucking coincidence!!!)

Well, then things started happening. PJ started happening. He started to regret that he agreed to break up and the day after I kissed Bartholomew for the first time he decided that it is a good idea to come up to my house and beg me to take him back. I think I have to add the fact that he had no idea about Bartholomew whatsoever. I mean, like, he knew he existed but he didn’t know that we are such a good friends. Of course, I got carried away over the perseverance that was in him that night and finally he convinced me. Right when I agreed to being with him again I felt the stupidest ever. This was the moment in life when I should‘ve put myself first, not the people around me, but I didn’t.

Later on, I had to somehow break up with Bartholomew. I mean, somehow get rid of him so he doesn’t get hurt by what I’ve done. I didn’t manage to do that. I told him that I’m not ready to start a new relationship right away, I know, I know, the common bullshit, I’m aware. But I was young and stupid. I didn’t know what else to do or say. We went out and he gave me my sweatshirt back and I gave him his shirt back. Then he left. That was so sad. I felt so heartbroken. What the hell was I thinking?

I thought that when, or even if Bartholomew found out that we got back together, he would have gotten over it by that time, but I didn’t think it through. The day after we saw each other I posted a picture of me and PJ together (yeah, shut up, I KNOW) and he texted me that he hates me and that I’m a really shitty person. I ignored him. And that was it. I’ve always wanted to tell him how sorry I was for doing this. But I couldn’t. I had a boyfriend and I just didn’t have the guts to somehow lie to him. I’m a really bad liar, you know? For real. PJ eventually found out about everything but my feelings for him. But there hasn’t been a day when I wouldn’t think of Bartholomew in some way.

Now, when I finally broke up with PJ for good, I drunk texted him telling him how sorry I was, because the whole time I knew that he had really strong feelings for me and I broke his heart. But I broke mine too.

He has a girlfriend now. I don’t even know who it is. I miss him every day and look for him in other boys. That’s why no relationship hasn’t worked for me since. Because I desire something that nobody has, but him. I still listen to our songs and sometimes cry over them. I would be so happy if we could maybe just be in touch or so, you know?

 


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