Elly Anne

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


I got out the heat and got a cold drink only to end up in another heat chatting with the American girl, Elly Anne.

Submitted: October 26, 2017

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Submitted: October 26, 2017

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It was a hot sunny day, and I thought I'd pop in for a cold beer. Walking in, I spotted her on my left at the bar. I ordered the beer and went straight to her. I said, ''Hi!, hot day today, isn't it?''

''You sure say so,'' she answered back, which gave me the feeling that she was American.

''I'm  James Cool, '' I told her.'' And what's yours?''

''Just call me Elly Anne!''

''Okay! What part of the states you from then?'' I asked her.

''I'm from that place where everything is big, '' she told me.

''Wait! Let me guess, '' I told her, ''Texas.''

''Darn right,'' she said. ''And you?'' Taking her glass of whatever was in it, and took a drink.

''I'm from this here town,'' I said. ''We rob and give to the poor.''

Her face tightened. ''You're not going to rob me are you?''

''Not in this pub, I can't. And anyway,  I won't do that to a pretty lady like you. Did anyone ever tell you that your gorgeous?''

''Boy, that has been told to me many times. I pay no attention to it. Some of those men just say what they like.''

''Are you looking for a man? '' I asked her.

''I don't think so,'' she said, ''but they are looking for me.''

''Do you blame them with that figure you are carrying around?''

''Pretty cool! Dont you think?''

''If you were my woman, I'd be shaking every minute.''

''Why is that?'' She asked.

''You underestimate yourself. Have you looked properly in the mirror. You are the woman that men would die for.''

''Really! What about you? Would you die for me?

''Now look, lady!  I'm willing to take you out this very minute, but to die for you...'' I hesitated, then I said, ''Yes, I will.''

''I'm yours,'' she said. ''Take me back to your place.''

''Wait!'' I said, ''I was only joking. Didn't really mean whatI said.''

''Joking with me, fella. This woman doesn't joke. She's headed for the Presidential office.''

''Whoa! Is this serious? Are you serious?''

''Don't you get it,'' she said, ''I mean that I'm a woman who likes success.''

''Are you an actress?''

''No.''

''What are you?' A bank worker?''

Ýou miss the one thing you should have asked in the first place, '' she told me. ''I'm a pro.''

''Oh! Me God! No! Why? A woman like you. I can't believe it?''

She said: ''You're now eating yourself all up because I said I'm a 'pro.' ''

''But how could you?'' I said.

''What are you thinking of,'' she asked. Pro means professional. I'm a pro in what I do. Come let's leave. I'll tell you more about me.''

As soon as we got back to my flat, I opened the front door and let her in. I closed the door only to find that Elly Anne had a pistol pointing at me. ''Stick 'em up.''

''I knew it, '' I said to her, ''Ive always told myself to keep away from women who carry a gun. I dont play that game. I'ts for soldiers and policemen and lunatics.''

''Are you saying that a woman can't be a soldier or a police woman?''

''That's not what I said.''

''Ma, I''ve got one of them here!''

''What the hell! Ma? Where is Ma? Who is this Ma?'' I asked her.

''That's my Ma, she's gone away.''

We went into the living room and I went to the drink cabinet. She saw the bottle of wine and said, "l'll have that one.

I poured two glasses of wine, gave her one. She took it and sat down. ''I had you there, didn't I?''

''I said: ''I admit I didn't know what was going on. I can tell you Elly Anne, I know i'ts going to take a long time before we get to know each other.''

She said: ''You're right there! At least 10 years!''
''You what?'' Does it have to take that long?''

''We American women don't give in as soon as we meet a bloke. It takes some time.''

''But not 10 years?''

''Depending on who they are and how they behave themselves. I'm looking for solid ground.''

''I am solid ground, ''I said to her. ''They don't come any solid than me!''

She started laughing. ''You're a real joker.''

We left the living room and went to the bedroom. ''I'll sleep the night, '' she said. ''but don't get any ideas!''

''Oh! No. Ï'm not like that! You can sleep a week or more, and nothing will happen.''
''Oh1 No!'' She said, ''Onr of those!''

''One of those? Explain?''

She said, ''My explaining is this,'' she got her gun out again and said, ''Drop them!''

I said, '' I never had them up in the first place.''

She started laughing again. ''You fool, I mean your clothing!''

''You what?'' I exclaimed.

''Everything that you have on.''

''So you've change your mind,'' I said.

''How do you mean change my mind? I didn't make it up.''

I started getting my clothes off. As soon as I took my underpants off, she said, ''What part of Texas are you from. Texa s is large, but boy... where are you from?''

I said, ''You're a real joker, Elly Anne. What if I say Alaska?''

''Whoops...!''  She said.

I got back into my underpants and vest. ''Which side of the bed do you prefer sleeping'' I asked her.

''The right side, '' she answered.

''I won't be sleeping well with that thing under your pillow.'' I told her.

When we were in bed she asked, ''Do you like to watch films?''

''Yes! You?''

''I'm just mad about watching films, James Stewart, a great actor.''

''I like his films,'' I told her. Especially 'Winchester 73' and 'Broken Arrow.' ''

''Great films, those two, '' she told me.

''Tell me a bit about Texas,'' I said. ''I've never been to the states, but I keep hearing the name of places there.''

''Texas,'' she said to me, ''is the second largest state. Long ago it was populated  with Indian tribes...''

I started laughing. ''Now I see the funny side of it!''

''You laugh at the place where I come from, and you're dead!''

''Be serious, Elly Anne. I'll explain to you. You're the one who started that off about being big.. Tell me about your parents.''

''My parents... my ma is gone.''

''Gone where/''

''She ran off and left my dad.''

''Sorry to hear that!''

''It's okay! It's my dad who tauight me to shoot so that I could protect myself. And watching all those westen movies, I got a thrill out of it.''

''Here, you don't really need a gun, I'll protect you!''

''What if sdome one break in, how are you going to protect yourself? Thank your God, you have me here with you tonight.''

''I'll make you in the morning, a full English breakfast, and you won't be able to eat again the whole day,''

''Is that so?''

I said, ''I know in America you have bacon and eggs and panckes. I'll leave out the pancakes.''

''I'll watch how you prepare it all.''

It's not hard to do,'' I explained to her. ''I's just bacon, eggs, tomatoes, toast, sometimes  porridge, all sort of jams, tea, coffee or cocoa, and of course cereals.''

'' My! My!'' she said. ''That could feed a whole nation! I can't wait to taste it all.''

''Haven't you had English breakfast before? And by the way, what are you 'pro' at? You haven't told me.''

''I'm a professional writer, she said. ''I write for a magzaine about pub life. That's why I was in the pub.''

''You a writer? This is crazy! Meet another writer!''

'Wow! She gasped. ''What do you write about?''

''Strange women with guns.''

''Be serious now!''

''I write for the daily news,'' I told her.

I'll have to read your column and see what bad things you write about me.'' She looked at me. ''Are you going to write about me?''
'''No, I can't,'' I told her, ''nothing much has happened for me to write about you.''

''Thank God for that!'' She said.

''Why were you so nervous? You haven't rob a bank, have you?''

Elly Anne said, ''I was planning to.''

I said: ''I don't believe that! Robbing a bank is not easy.''

She said,''All you have to do is walk in and point the thing at the cashier.''

''The thing? I thought it was a gun. Let me have a look!''

She said, ''Well, it's not a real one. Just pretending!''

''You were going to rescue us with a toy gun? You should be on TV telling jokes. That would really turn out well for you.''

''Sorry! I meant no harm!''

''Ít's okay! Elly Anne, I'ts Okay. I see the funny side of it.''

''Really? Not angry? Not one bit?''

''Goodnight, Elly Anne!''

At the breakfast table next morning, I'm preparing breakfast. Elly Anne is watching eagerly everything I do. I got a couple of eggs and quickly beat them up, to make an omelet.

''You need to have an empty belly,'' she said, ''for when you start eating breakfast.

''That's the secret of it,'' I told her. ''You do not come to the table with your stomach full.''

I finished preparing the breakfast and the table was laden with all sort of jars filled with jam.

Elly Anne said, ''Mm,'' as she tucked into her English breakfast.

''So how much information have you gathered about the pub life?'' I made conversation with her.

''Before you came in, I had already asked many people about pub life.''

''And what do you think about it now you've heard?''

''Pub life is a way of life with the people. It's a community thing.''

''Do you think you could date me?'' I had to get it in.

She laughed. ''Date you? Why? Why did you ask?''

''Because I just had to.''

''You hardly know me, and I you. Can you secure me  a good stab le life with no hassle?'' She asked.

''I think I can!''

''You're my man,'' she said, reaching over to give me a kiss.

''Are you serious?''

''No joking. I am.'' She said. ''How do you see me?''

''I see you as a nice woman who will father my children.''

''Children? How many do you want?'' She asked.

''A few,'' I said, ''About 25!''

''Now, you're joking with me!''

''Of course! One or two will do.'' I told her.

''What a relief that is. You had me sweating,'' She said. '' I want to keep my figure. So two is about enough.

THE END.

 

 

 


 


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