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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

my first writing so go easy on me

Submitted: October 28, 2017

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Submitted: October 28, 2017



My name is Lokesh . P but I tell my name is  lokesh cheenu and they call me LC .. im goNna tell you guys a story.. which may reach u or maynot.. cause what if were all living in a little computer that controls what your doing….


I just got a thought that I had been infected with HIV through rojalin patanaik my college senior in lovely professional university phagwara Punjab india and I was made to consume HIV infected semen or blood without my knowledge And defense through food and mixing with water which ultimately lead to my death and was kept my brain preserved just to hide the case and cover all the witnesses with money and had used my hometown and state students named gowtham who is a college drop out in b.tech and still stays there .. sadam a phd student and harish a architecture student all from tamilnadu who helped the university to take care of there dirty needs for money.. cause normally I can here these people talking to me and and comment to me on the inside of my head but I know it wasn’t just my thoughts cause theses people act in the same way like what I hear on my head.. and normally just paranoid me when I smoke weed and say stuffs that I gave her aids and say that im dead and all which would really freak me out.. I remember going back to my second semester from Chennai at the end of January 2017 after my cousin sisters marriage and I met my class mate kranthi on the train back to LPU I was a student of batch 2015-19 in b.design in film and tv production with id 11510194.. so I met this guy and we had some laugh and reached our destination and he invited me over to his place so we went and he wanted to smoke some weed but we couldn’t get it anywhere .. he lived somewhere near law gate where most of the north east people live which is a little bit ahead actually from law gate..so he then found a north east guy and and he told us he will get us some.. so we went with him on his bike the 3 of us.. to some dudes place who sold some hash and told it was from Bhutan… and got 750 rupees from us… and we took a few shots over there … and I dint know what was happening which actually went so fast.. and on he way back on the bike I actually don’t know what happened and I was sitting in the end and I was going left and right and all that.. and suddenly I could see a truck coming with its headlights on and bam,, I was blank for a second.. and all of a sudden I realized I was in the middle of the bike crying for no reason at all…and the driver was saying don’t cry don’t cry no worries no worries don’t cry don’t cry..  and we reached kranthis house in seconds and I just got off and my class mate stood there and I just ran back to his room with tears and he stood back to talk with him.. and once he came he didn’t see me he went to another room.. and I was there for a f minutes and I went to him and ask what happened ? and he said what happened .. and I again what happened and he again said what happened … this went on for like a lot of times and till date I didn’t get an answer … and another guy name sam ankur nath who was my senior but didn’t graduate to another year came over and I said I had some hash and he started working on them and we had some conversation I don’t remember .. but what I do remember is he asked me how my parents were doing and what the do in a sarcastic voice… and I felt really bad at that time.. and just got that out of my head and I guess I had a hard time sleeping.. and I woke up.. and I went to college and I meet my girlfriend there and we talked along with my another class mate and I just went to hostel.. and few weeks went buy and rose( that’s what I used to call her ) asked me whether I wanted to go to manali.. u see I met this girl in the first semester through my dance friend who introduced me to her.. and started to kick of and I came into a relationship after a month on October 31st… and so we started to manali on 19th of feb reached there and smoked pot and hash and it was all good had no problem whatsoever.. and the night came up and we all went to bed and I heard her quote should we go sleep.. and I said yes .. and we got in and made love and I didn’t wear a condom cause I was stupid enough to think what she told me was all true and the next day she acted all weird and tensed and I didn’t know and she told me she got her periods.. and I accepted it and that night I didn’t know the language what her and her friends spoke so I was the odd one out and I felt really bad and miserable and everyone started acting all weird and started a fight stating im not having and she took a stand for me.. I came back to my and was crying myself to sleep and she hugged me.. and I just slept cause that’s the first time I felt bad and humiliated for something I didn’t know.. and the next day came I compromised.. and things went well.. and we came back.. and I didn’t feel like going to classes cause I was tired and weak and was not able to get up every morning and so my second semester got debarred as my first for less attendance.. and I was forced to attend summer classes.. which my mom probably didn’t like and wanted me to come back.. I told her no im staying and she did al she could.. and I started searching a room outside university which I eventually got law gate near LPU where its drug phobia everywhere with HARISH .. incase your wondering I met him during the second sem and we got along cause we spoke the same language tamil… then rose came over to our place cause she had t get back home and she told me she had her periods and we didn’t have sex…just did it orally and I told her she isn’t gonna come back to do her mba here …she said she would.. and the summer term started and yea it went on great my best friend from my class named devang gera flunked and had to get out of the university .. while I flunked in a subject and was told I will be put back in the same first year and after re counting and evaluation I managed to pass the subject and got in the second year… me and rose had hard time in the summer break she didn’t talk much and was probably hanging out with her guy friends.. u see im actually a cool person and I dont mind if my girlfriend hanged out with her guys gang..  but I once caught rose saying she loves a guy in kerala to him and saying that I don’t mean anything to her and its just him who means so much to him who goes by the name rahul.. and when I asked her she got freaked out.. and said it had nothing to do with it… and I did catch her lieng on many terms.. im not saying I didn’t lie I did lie saying I had money and had sex with a lot of people .. but I was loyal when it came to the relationship… and I used to spend all my money on her.. I roughly got 15 thousand inr a month which is pretty much a little high above average… and things got out of control .. so basically with harish hes a douche bag ad thinks he knows stuff while he just learns half of it and dreams up the other half.. he really didn’t like clicking pictures with me but was cool with the others … he filmed me smoking up and showed his family.. I don’t know why he did that.. wont spend a penny but cleans the house once a week and demands respect… I keep myself tidy… smokes up all the day … and I used to smoke up bongs and all and I was pretty cool and normal … but still had some thoughts come and go which I actually didn’t give a shit too.. and sadam and goutham used to come over to our place.. u see goutham is pretty much a snake .. he be’s with you and bites u off guard I meet him on dance practice and he calls himself a dancer while he mostly does steps no one can do from the 90s and tells us we don’t have attitude in it.. once I went to his place in the second semester and smoked a line or two in heroin.. and his friends tried to steal my laptop.. and I didn’t wanna go there after but I unfortunately had to it was april 14th 2017 and it was rose birthday so after a months of dedication of making her presents and writing a 50 page a3 sized book with pictures and smoking up with random hindi duded who basically keep talking about me in there language and denying no they weren’t.. I went for the tamil flick of my favourite actor.. the movie was great but these guys messed it up with the sound system so it was a disaster.. so he took me to his place is where I met sadam who was a snake too.. but knew how to hide that face by being a nice person and there was a incident he went to the bathroom to fill water and no one drank it and I was thirsty as fuck and waited just to make sure.. and goutham drank it and sadam gave him a dirty look.. and I was like hey so what lets drink it.. and I drank it.. and so it went and they starred at roses pictures on her cleavage like perverts .. which I didn’t like..so I came out the next day morning and took a bus bake to hostel.. so all the people are done.. 2nd year started it was pretty bad.. rose started to hide things and I quit smoking weed.. once I called her from harishs phone and she went yea harish and I was like u have his number … she turned it into yea whoshthish.. which sounds like harish which isn’t..and we broke up and my birthday came… the worst birthday ever.. I was finally getting over everything and wanted to start fresh when my friend brought rose home and harish and sadam came too… and they told me to smoke up and I said no.. they eventually made me and that’s where it started.. I heard there voices in my head confronting the lies they think I told them threatening to beat me all the shit.. and also I could hear voices of them having sex with rose and the moment I get up to go to the door it all became quite and when I sit back it started again .. I couldn’t tell if it was day or night I was confused.. and it seemed like I was too slow and everything was fast and they actually took pictures of me in the washroom and all that and so on and on .. and I was in the washroom for like 2 hours and my friend had to break into the door.. and rose was there and I started crying from my right eye first (this one is important ill tell it in the end ) and I just got myself ready and came out and all looked at me in stary way.. and I called up rose to apologize for the lies I told and it all came out and she wanted to hear something else and kept asking whatelse .. whatelse .. I said nothing that’s all.. and everytime I smoke a joint i felt the same shit .. and in the between sessions they told me I was licking a cream and that’s what made me act all this and they were all around me and I just cant see them.. and they would tell me the secret I was true enough.. this went on and diwali holidays came up.. and sadam came home and we were preparing to smoke a joint… while he called my friend and were talking  and I knew the conversation was like “yea today well finish it hell know “.. I didn’t over react to that… we started smoking and the same stupid voice and talks came up… this time asking me whether I was gay… I once when I was a kid like 7 or 8 years old my neighbor who was in class 12 called me and the neighbor hood kids and asked us to suck dicks and I didn’t know anything of that as I was a kid and did it like the rest of them… after which I never saw him or heard or anything and got that.. and this exact thought rushed into my head and sadam just freaked out and moved his legs up and saw me and was in a stressed position.. and a fw minutes later without my conscious they asked if I would ever do that again and I was truthful and said no to which we came to a relaxed state.. and had my laughs on my head and im sure he did too when suddenly out of nowhere in his voice these words came into my head “lc unnaku aids irruku da” which translates to “lc you have aids “ and I thought about the last time had sex with rose and I knew it was because of her.. and all of a sudden I could feel her scratch my face and cry and shout and ask me with how many girls I had fucked with… honestly I had sex with one girl during school days protected and unprotected and after 3 years with another girl unprotected.. and this thought came into my mind of getting nudes from a girl in September but I thought I had sex with her and that’s when rose on my head told me its u cause u have sex with different girls in three months u get hiv.. devastated I started crying.. and sadam didn’t even stop me I called mymom and spoke to her stating I think im gonna die and im scared she told “you come over here well take care of it’ sadam left in a few minuets and I didn’t know what to do.. I called up rose and she started crying and said that im a girl please don’t do anything stupid… I got myself scared and I knew that I having something on my head and somethings wrong with me and went for a hiv screening in a local hospital which came out negative.. and I could hear from my right side of my brain that things run on money and they changed it.. and I literally forgot about that night except for the aids part and few weeks went by and I was trying to smoke pot to make things clear with myself that im over thinking or overreacting.. and everytime this happens.. and one night I went to gauthams place in ramamandi.. and went to get weed from Andhra fellows in someother place with sadam and smoked a few bongs there .. and still the same feel like all talking  on my head and I get up to see some dude was sitting behind me all the time and he gave me a sarcastic smile while basically everyone else did.. then I was high on a bike ride .. and sadam threatened to put an accident and end my life.. and I was like ur just joking.. less did I know that my life was a answer to a biggest question in the future.. so then we went and sat there and the voices started threatening me and it was gautham this time and and he said accept it and I was like no I never gave it so no and I stood there I heard my moms voices on my head stating just come back and the night I was wild and I just tired and fell asleep .. then few days passed rose actually wanted her childhood picture back for which I said I want the diary back ( u see I had a statement written in it saying “ im your first and you’re my last “ which she didn’t give it back cause I didn’t knew that time she needed a proof or some sort ) and then our semester exams came I did all my tests good made my attendance clean and she was there at my place having so much sex that I realized my dick was getting smaller and I wasn’t able to perform well or if she wasn’t interested then there were a lot of stopping me going back to Chennai india mentally by them and physically by getting my cash wasted on many things but I determined that I need to get back cause its almost been a year I didn’t go home the longest ever I was away from home.. and rose kept on saying “u will come back right?” I didn’t have a clue about that sadam seemed tensed and harish was out of the seen people said his father had become serious but I knew he was there at gauthams place and I possibly couldn’t do anything about it.. cause whatever I plan in my head these guys get to know it and act accordingly.. and finally I reached home.. and got to my place and my parents seemed all cool and were normal and were just tensed to look at me so lean and unhealthy.. I met my friends to whom I used to call and talk about this for which they said its nothing and its all on my head and then one night I was like im home and with my friends and let me smoke up with them.. little did I know I was in for a surprise .. so me and my friend vignesh who I had been smoking up for 2 years together met up and sat .. and I explained him my problem for which he said its nothing and lets just have fun.. basically its hard to concentrate something on your head while your speaking right ..so he used to ask me a question and while I was answering him I coul actually hear him asking questions on my head stating tell that u gave her aids and all that crap don’t tell people I did this and don’t tell your universities name .. and I stood up in shock and didn’t know what to tell and for which he got freaked out and started saying “what should I leave are you gonna call the cops . you got to know “ I was so fucked up and I didn’t know what to pay attention too.. my friend from home who I thought will help me out and save me from all this crap of shit is also in this play .. I wondered whether is everyone around me playing so that I don’t freak out… I went inside and put myself to sleep wondering whats going on I met my school friend we hanged out for a few days and literally she said for something I don’t remember .. ur mother will love it if u always keep smilling.. that night I came back home.. and got in my room and was closing my eyes lying down and started smillig and said in my head mom look at me im smilling.. tears literally came down my eyes and I felt really happy and sad and bad .. and after which I met another junior of mine who we smoked up at his place and got all fucked up.. cause they all ask me how am I doing for which I said im doing good and friends are great and all the good stuff and once smoked up and the truth comes out in my head and I can literally see his expressions change and we had this conversation on our head for which he asked and I quoted.. “I don’t know macha I feel like im in a computer” and suddenly all distractions came in and got that thought out of my mind and I said bye to him after a few munchies and drove back home late in the night at 3 ish cold crying and voice on my head asking me to go fast and kill myself or he will and the voice was sadam.. I barely got back home in one piece and sat at the dinning table and was there and I felt all of them standing behind me.. and I didn’t know how to react so I reacted in a kiddish and funny manner without knowing the seriousness.. and my mom came in and we had a talk which I don’t remember .. a few days passed and on the 28th or 29th or the 0th I don’t remember I though okay its my place nothings gonna happen to me let me just be blunt honest and not freak out and lets see how far can this go and I really wanted to end this.. so I called up vignesh and said lets smoke up and he said get the cash ready im on my way.. its always me who buys he pot .. so he came and we started the same routine and I said that im gonna be blunt honest with you and this is whats happening.. he said okay lets go ahead.. so this time these were the questions.. “will u tell the university name .. I said no. a right eye tear came off… will u tell that I made u do this I said no a right eye tear came off.. did u give rose aids I said no and it stopped there and I could hear my moms voice stating just tell yes u did give it and I said no mom I just had sex with 2 girls and mom said just say yes .. “ and then the same questions reapeted in order.. this time I said yes and I saw a face of relief in vigneshes face… and then the next question.. to be honest here I was a very greedy person and I was never shown or lived a golden spoon life and I always wanted one … so I made the biggest mistake one could ever make .. so the question was do u want your parents or the money.. just to end things up and without taking even a second guess I said these words.. “my father would be happy with the money “ with a tear in my left eye…and with so much speed the next question followed up .. so don’t u wanna know what happened to u and my left brain said I will get to know it when I die.. and I just said with that.. suddenly I could hear my fathers screams as if someone is killing him and my moms my sisters.. I saw vignesh cover his face with his hands with shame..and I started acting like a phsycho … and I saw a heading of a famous construction site glow with light vignesh came and asked me to read it.. I said bulbu.. which means “tubelight”… and he said he was gonna take off.. didn’t know what to do I went down and saw my father crying… I went up and asked him what happened and he said nothing and followed up a lecture which I didn’t understand most of it just for a few things out of it and that was “someone played a game with you and took half the amount and u are here lost and now you will only know when u die… they were all scared of u and knew that hes gonna make it and its gonna turn around.. now the situation ur in is very tough only one in crores can wake up from this” and he said the world was big and things happen in many ways .. my mom woke up said the same thing… filled with anger and regret knowing what to do and not I went to bed .. next day waking up confused and crying..and I was so fucking fucked up.. my dad asked me to drink with him and my mother telling me to cry it out loud and leave it go… and I started actually researching in my phone if people can actually imagine living a real life through machines.. and it came out somewhat yes and I turend to mom scared and devastated .. she said to dad in a angered tone “that  girl told she wouldn’t do such things like this “ and eased me saying its nothing like that and its all just a normal shit.. my other friends started avoiding me.. and now no one really talks to me anymore.. for no reason at all and I just left it there … I thought my dads been killed and I only had a mom.. and the voices would tell me that my mom works in the hospital just to see me and take care of me next to my body which is on the machine.. my mom told me not to go and stay back.. I didn’t listen to her … and rose stopped talking.. before the incident with vignesh she used to call me every day and whenever I smoked up she used to call me to stop it.. and I really don’t know how she knew I was going to smoke up pot.. and she started ignoring me.. I flew back to Punjab got into my house there in January 2017 and waited for her to arrive she came we spoke and the time had sex with her then.. she said finished.. I didn’t knew it back then.. then I went to drop her in college to get her into hostel .. we went to a restaurant where she asked me “ if u had won you wouldn’t have left me right” I was so confused and i now know if I ask her that she would probably deny the fact that she ever told that.. I just on the spot said yes.. and she asked why did u take time to say it I said its just like that.. then I didn’t smoke up for a month and many people from the university asked me do u still smoke up in a funny way which I don’t really understood .. all I knew was they all know something and I don’t.. sadam once said “they only needed one statement and they got it “ I was literally fucked up and I decided to smoke up pot and end things up cause the sadam voice in the head said “your mother has been here for 12 years and u got no signs of anything just die “  I just went in smoked we got hight I went back it all went like that and this time I got to know they killed my mom.. frustrated scared and really fucked up I got myself booked a train and got myself back home at that point rose acted like she was gonna miss me but was hanging out with sadam harish .. probably having sex with them..i came back home and said to myself im with my parents im gonna smoke up alone and im pretty sure nothings gonna go wrong… I did smoke up. Rose called .. and I said I feel like u gave me aids ( I did say this a few times before the incident but she just kept ignoring that and stayed with me) this time she said its done and she cut the call.. strange voices I went  to my parents room and I told them I was getting my head into torn into two pieces and I said that people killed u and all that and so on and on cause in that moment my mom asked me three times on my head.. and I said it the third time.. cause the first time they asked and if I had said the answer I would have died .. so was the 2nd time.. the third time was roses turn and she had already made me win her trust… and I just said “that take me to pshychiatrist by mouth to mom” but something else in my head which I have no clue off..then months of treatment stating that I had some cotard syndrome and shit saying im all fine and nothing wrong.. going to bed every night thinking this is the last night.. threatening my life saying either u die or its your parents and so on I can go on and I literally smoked a few times on time which I agreed to die for my mom and she defended me saying that hes doing it for me and im not interested in it and now living a life with almost uncertainty about whether your alive on a machine basis or just acting paranoid… I have no clue.. rose called it off and asked for her picture.. and told shes gonna give my book back.. (now shes giving it) harish and rose got into a relationship.. and much more changes there .. and me being here hoping that would wake up from something which I feel is really there..
so a group of people spoiled a family and there entire life just cause of one small mistake and they don’t get another chance while all the time they had one?
tell you the truth ive been smoking up for so long im not paranoid or crazy.. and these above stuffs and situations don’t happen if your paranoid with people talking your head out.. if money is all that u need to be invincible in life.. then im happy dieng cause im from a family that gives everything out .. im one of those people who selflessly help the other person even if we get hurt or affected badly cause of that.. that’s how ive grown up.. and my question is.. how can one person be selfless.. or a entire country.. knowing whats wrong but still wont poke there noses.. if the same thing happened to a women.. it would have been a riot of people.. is everything left out cause I was a guy and the girl had tears in her eyes and was supported by a organization to defend its name helped by dropout students who get rewarded for spoiling a persons life just cause he was innocent and was a kid who knew nothing.. we live in a world where we have to change to adapt .. but that doesn’t mean you get to kill someone or just spoil his entire family while the rich pays up all the media and witnesses in there favour.. look I really don’t know if im right or wrong but what do I know is that I lost my life and am a looser now and I don’t even get a chance to get up and fight cause each time I try they knock me down and confuse me and put me into it real deep .. I dreamt of being rich like all of us and make m mom happy help dad with his dues and help my sister with her education and marriage.. and what am I doing here now.. writing a letter which I have no clue whether it will reach or not .. thinking that im gonna die tonight cause of this letter.. and spoiling my life on a bed couch waiting for death all of this at 22 ? no im not depressed.. a person whose depressed has nothing to talk about or is sad and don’t know how to open things up.. I opening things up and the world lies to me on my face and I know that and still I gotta accept that cause im breathing and alive..and this life is only once.. so am I gonn give up .. hell no! I will fight this shit till the end until im the one in a crore .. just to see my family smile with tears again.. but this time for real.

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