My Real: Complication with Relationships

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


one in a series of my real life thoughts and experiences. About my screwed up mind and thoughts/actions on relationships.

Submitted: October 29, 2017

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Submitted: October 29, 2017

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My Real: Complication with Relationships

 

I haven’t had a real couple relationship since 6th grade, and let’s be honest, no relationship is real at that age. I dated this kid and it was going good, he was cute, sporty and nice, a great combo right? Wrong, at least for me. There were some problems, for example; I would always try to avoid him because he was just always hounding me to hang out. I would honestly go out of my way to avoid seeing him, I must have used every young aged excuse in the book. After a while I moved away, so I was going to break up with him, I needed too because I just wasn’t into it anymore and I knew he deserved better. But I was a scared 14-year-old girl, I didn’t want to be the one to do it. Little did I know I didn’t have to worry about it. He came to my house and asked to talk, and of course because I was avoiding at all costs I told him I can’t because I was packing – total lie by the way. He said it was important, so I said fine. He looked a bit awkward, so I knew this was it, he was finally going to break up with me, and he did. He said he thinks we should break up, and me being fucked up I smiled awkwardly, laughed and said “ok.” YES! I laughed, even then I knew something was up with me and that this couple thing just wasn’t for me. Anyway, I haven’t “dated” anyone since that incident. I’ve had a few guys that I talked to, hung out, and had a kind of friends with benefits thing going on. I actually got the “I’m not really looking to date anyone right now” speech from one the guys I was hanging out with when he drove me home one day. That poor guy had no idea, right there in the car I started to laugh at him mid spiel and told him that I didn’t date so it was no problem. He thought I was awesome because of that and we continued to “hang out.” After a month or so, I noticed little sweet things he would start doing; like holding my hand, little kisses on the nose and forehead, whispering cute sayings in my ear. I flipped, I never even told any of my closest friends his Name for goodness sake, that’s how far from wanting a relationship I was, I actually kept this guy from everyone I knew. And then he started acting relationshipy, and that was a no go for me. So, me being that pansy that I am, I ghosted this guy cold turkey. Yes, I know, ghosting is a total bitch move, but what can I say, I guess I’m kind of a bitch. For months after I ghosted him he would still text me off and on, I would never respond of course because that would just be leading him on and that was out of the question. This whole thing happened two years ago. Here I am to this day, single and ready to mingle for fun.

People ask me why I don’t date, and I can never give anyone the True answer because it’s too complicated for me to even understand. You could say that it’s because I never had any relationships to look up to growing up, or that I’m scared to share myself with others, or even that I’m happy being single. All those things would be true, but they are only fractions of what the true reason is. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate relationships or love, I LOVE love, Valentine’s Day is my favorite for fucks sake, but for some reason I can’t be in a relationship with someone. I can’t do the things people in relationships do. In a relationship you care for the others feelings, you make them feel special and share their hardships, I straight up can’t do that. I don’t/can’t worry about how someone else is going to feel if I or someone else does something. I can’t think about someone else’s feelings before I do something. It’s not in my nature to care what people think. Which is weird because the word for that is selfish, and im not selfish. Im a really good friend, maybe sometimes too brutally honest, but still a really good friend. It’s just in couple relationships that I can’t act right.

Reading all this it might not make sense to most, hell it barely makes sense to me, but to others like me there might be something to connect with. Being this way makes you feel lonely and strong all at the same time, because lots of people aren’t ok with being alone (which I call serial daters), so I pride myself on being independent. But there are those times when you read a book, see a movie, and even in real life and witness a great relationship, wishing you could have that. When those moments hit, I wish I could have that, then I think again about how I wouldn’t be any good at it, and that’s ok. Life is ever changing. You experience new things, meet new people and move new places, which also means we are ever changing with it. So I always think that maybe my point of view will change one day when I meet a certain person or see a certain thing, or maybe one day it won’t, and that’s ok too. You have to be ok with yourself.


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