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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 1 (v.1) - Darkness

Submitted: October 31, 2017

Reads: 395

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Submitted: October 31, 2017



I can't deal with this shit anymore. This feeling in my stomach is creating a void and I can't escape it. How do you deal with fucked up love anyway. Everytime I think about it, I'm hearing her speaking to me with this totally non-caring tone of hers. "Hi yeah I'm sure you noticed, but I don't really miss you anymore."

It was like blowing down the first story of a skyscraper, breaking down in itself. All within a time period of 2 weeks. I was obviously gone.. far away in fucking Ireland - worst mistake of my life. It had been fucking amazing before, that's what makes it so hard now. When you spend the most of your time with a single person - liking, loving every single fucking trait about her. And she made me feel like I mattered. I was about to send her a letter I wrote, explaining that it felt like she was drifting away from me and I should have seen it coming really. The thought of her with another man now is driving me towards the last stop in my story. The End is nigh. I can't do this anymore... I wanna cry so badly drowning myself in fucking alcohol and drugs until I will finally see the end of this. But no end to the pain in sight. Now I have to sit at my desk at work, writing down my thoughts, hurting myself on purpose by doing so because I feel I deserve it. What could I have done better? Why am I not good enough of a person to be missed?? I don't have answers to any of these questions, hell I don't have any answers at all. Now that I think about it - I just want to to turn back fucking time and experience it all over again. Getting to know her, having her by my side for months, smelling her beautiful scent in the morning, sleeping through the night like a normal human being just to wake up to the most beautiful brown-eyed girl you'd ever see. Having bright conversations on every occasion possible. God we even had ourselves a little playlist going that grew further and further with everything we discovered about each other. She made me have self-esteem, chasing my dreams. Too bad that nothing is as it seems.

 I had relationships before going on for years as well but not like this. I always thought I couldn't really feel what love is like and just thought I should be with someone you know? Wrong. I know now that I can feel it because it hurts like nothing ever before, which makes me believe that this was somehow "true love" if that makes sense. I always thought her being way out of my league anyway to begin with and I really thought this was more of an affair or a sex relationship rather than anything else. I thought she'd dump me earlier and I would have been okay with that, hell now I would have loved it to be that way. It's really like being furious with someone, while loving everything about them. I hate her fucking guts for introducing me to her family, telling me over and over again that the 5 months I'll be gone will be over in no time, that she'll miss me way harder than I would miss her. FUCKING BULLSHIT. I can't just can't fucking accept this in my head. It feels like being stabbed in the chest with a fucking dagger - not a sharp one that'll kill you off swiftly but an old rusty one taking its time to get inside your chest, infecting you with diseases before bleeding you out.

 The saddest part is I would probably go back to her in an instant if I could, even though she "did" this to me. But no... when the small amount of rationality in my head comes through just for a tiny period of time I can see it.. She had the fucking courage to tell me right away how she felt.. and gosh it hurts so badly writing this down but there's no fucking way I can blame her for being honest about her feelings for me. Hell if I had been strong enough not to fucking snap out of my head the second she told me, answering her in the most irrational way I could ever imagine, I could have ended things on good terms with her - just to gain the tiniest window of opportunity to get her back when I return to Germany. But I can feel that I fucked it up badly. There's no way back now for me. The End is nigh. I'm the kind of person who'd just blame all of this on myself. If I had a fucking way to change my perspective in this matter, but being all alone in a foreign country is not helping at all. Even my friends can't help me when I can't be around them. I miss them now more than ever. I really just want to talk to my girl again. The fact that I can't and probably never will haunts me. I'm just a fucking loser with nothing to offer. Every girl I see outside is just part of the void that surrounds me all the time. I'm disgusted by myself, I'm nauseous.. there is no light around me - only darkness.

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