What it's like

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic


I was feeling sad and just started writing. Just something off the top of my mind. I highly recommend listening to Madness by Sleeping with sirens. That song I was listening to while writing this.

Submitted: October 31, 2017

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Submitted: October 31, 2017

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Remember when you were a kid and imagined the worst possible pain? The scary “big boys” down the street hitting you? Burning your hand on the stove? Breaking your arm? Something like that?

Yeah. It’s nothing.

I mean, of course it hurts. Sure.

It’s still nothing.

After the never-ending bliss of childhood ends you realize it wasn’t shit.

Everyone has their breaking point. The point where you feel like the only way is up. When you’re at the bottom.

As a kid I thought it would be something like being half dead after a car crash or something.

Nope. It’s not.

Not for me.

Not for way too many people.

I’d take a car crash over emotional and psychological pain any second.

Really? Why? It can’t be that bad, right?

It can, believe me.

Don’t believe me?

Imagine being in a dark, cold room. Alone. Just you. You’re cold and all you want is to be warm.

Imagine not being able to breathe. Imagine being underwater, not knowing how to swim.

Imagine this.

You’re in your own room.

It’s way over midnight. You know you have to be up in a few hours. You want to sleep more than anything else but can’t.

Everyone else is asleep. It’s dead quiet around you.

There’s just you and your thoughts.

They’re telling you everything you don’t want to hear.

Stupid, right? You should be able to control your own thoughts.

Yeah, right. Too bad.

Anyway. You’re alone, meaning you can’t scream.

You want to scream. I know you do.

It’s a battle between the part of you that wants to scream and wake someone up and the part that stops you because you don’t want to be that asshole who woke someone up in the middle of the night for no reason.

Because it’s not a good reason. It’s nothing. You can deal with it on your own.

It feels like shit.

That’s okay. We all have bad days. It’s normal.

Okay. Imagine that happening every fucking night.

That one battle between yourself turns into two, three, four. It goes on for years.

Yeah, you can feel useless and weak and like you’re not worth the help but you still want to reach out.

Weak. Right?

You’re weak for not getting your shit together. Everyone else can do it. Why the fuck can’t you?

It’s okay. Being weak is okay, right?

Yeah. It is. You just don’t feel like it is and that’s why you suck it up.

So it’s not a fucking option. People would hate you if they knew. You’re weak.

That’s what really breaks you.

Maybe.

Never say it can’t get any worse.

That’s when it gets worse.

That’s when all the progress you’ve made disappears.

You start from the bottom.

Once again.

Fuck that shit.

Yeah.

Shit sucks but there’s nothing you can do because you’re still too fucking weak to do shit.

Don’t worry about it.

It’s okay to feel weak.

It’s okay to be weak after years of the same fucking war you’ve been fighting with yourself.

If you survive, good on you.

If you don’t, you die.

Just like a war, right?

In a war it’s okay to be in the shit.

It’s also okay to ask for help. Have allies.

That’s how you win.

If you don’t win then you die.

Dying is okay.

We all die some time. It’s normal.

Just don’t surrender because that is weak.

Not just “weak”. Really weak.

You’re stronger than you know.

Go down fighting.


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