Why do we sabotage our happiness?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


Life changes. The feeling of love changes.

Submitted: October 31, 2017

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Submitted: October 31, 2017

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Love is never what it used to be. You know the best kind of love is when we are young and innocent, the forbidden is the biggest kind of love anyone can feel. That 'what If' just never goes away. As teenagers, we are discovering the feeling of love, it is such a new amazing feeling at that age, that it controls us. Everything we do is for love; for that person we picked to love. We fight with our friends, with our families for that person. That love that we feel becomes the biggest feeling we have for anyone. That moment is a moment we will never relive. When we fall in love at that age, we really believe it's a 'forever love.' 'I'm going to marry this person,' kind of love. The, 'I'll never stop loving you.' Kind of love. It's pure, it's real, it's true.
 
But all of that changes, and it sucks that it does, you wont know that until you live enough to understand. It's like a rollercoaster of magical feelings, the anticipation, the yearn, it's like another world, really. Everything you do you do for their attention; dress up, change your hair, you basically show off. You do anything and everything to get their attention. But after reliving it so many times, it's just not as pure, and it's not as real. You become guarded, you become stronger, you hardly show your excitement, you act as cool as ice. Life gives us the opportunity to get to know ourselves. Depending on your life experiences is how strong you become. We have lived so much we have felt so many different emotions and feelings with people that we are familiar with the 'hints.' So when love can actually be a possibility, we become scared and automatically set ourselves up for failure. Now that we have grown things have changed, we don't try as hard because they may think your desperate, you won't try to contact them as often because you don't want to give the impression you are too interested. You begin to do things you wouldn't of done as a teen, because as a teen you don't feel Desperate and you don't feel bad for being a pest and showing someone how you really feel. But as we get older we become self-conscious about ourselves and about others. We say we want this and that, but when we get it, we ourselves question it. Nothing can ever be right, no matter the situation. We just set ourselves up for failure. And then after that we Sabotage our happiness with thoughts, telling ourselves that we will be alone forever, and that we will never find that perfect match because everyone is fucked up. But when you sit and analyze your actions you realize, "I am fu**** up too." Do you understand what I'm saying? We blame everyone and everyone blames us. But in reAlity it's all FEAR, fear of rejection, fear of commitment. It's like life sets you up to be unhappy. I truly think we will never find happiness until we begin to work on ourselves and realize our own fears. Why do we do the things we do? Why? To show others that we don't play games, to show others that we are tough, teach others a lesson you too have learned. Like why can't we just say whAt we really mean? Why do we push people away, why do we sabotage our happiness?
 
As we grow older we becoming pickier, things people do can really turn you off. The way they walk, the way they talk, the way they think. We begin to look at the whole book, not just the cover. And if things aren't matching up to your standards, you just automatically lose interest. I can't tell you how many times that has happened to me. People begin to think your this cold hearted person, but your not, your just not interested anymore. Things can be so perfect one moment, and gone the next. That's what happens with growing up, we give up to easily. It's not like high school when you die for the person and hold on till you can't, nope, not in the adult world. In the adult world, one thing goes bad and your quick to let it go, Why? I ask myself why do we do that to ourselves? Are we inferior of love, are we scared of commitment, what is it?
 
Not too long ago I felt that fire and passion for someone, I haven't felt that in over 7 years, in fact, I really thought I was never going to feel that again. I thought maybe it only happens when your young and innocent, because I can't tell you how many chances I've had with others and I just didn't feel that fire in me. I know what I felt was real becAuse of the romance we had for one another. But just as fast as I felt it, just like that it was taken away from me. I am a fighter, I hold on till I can't, but when you really have this burning fire for someone, and they tell you it's not mutual, anymore, it feels like a shot in your chest. You had so many others die over you, but the one you die for isn't dying for you. It really does something to you, it makes you feel stupid, you begin to analyze everything you did and then you convince yourself it's because you showed too much interest in very little time, and now they are doing what you did to others when they did it to you. 
 
I had to replay my memories in my head over and over to accept the fact that it was over. I had to rely on only my memories to get through it. I felt that void I never wanted to feel again, and all of a sudden everything about me started to change. I didn't feel as happy as I did. I felt Like I had to drag myself to live each day without that excitement in my life anymore. Now I learned, next time to never reveal how I truly feel because it doesn't change a thing about holding on, the day I find someone I no longer have to fight for and they stay by my side no matter how hard it can get, is the day I have found true love once again. 


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