At the Boulevard I Secretly Wept

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


A what might have been a beginning of a blossoming romance, R is taking the baby steps in making his feeling heard...though uncertainty will be his biggest adversary.

Submitted: November 07, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 07, 2017

A A A

A A A


At The Boulevard, I Secretly Wept

“I decry the injustice of my wounds, only to look down and see that I am holding a smoking gun in one hand and a fistful of ammunition in the other.”

 

Sometime in 2014

 

“Hey, Im in town, let’s go out tonight?”

“Sure…err…what’s the occasion?”---scrap! Too bitchy, also sending signal that you’re busy and you don’t want your time wasted…and you don’t want to lose this once-in-a-red moon invite, don’t you?

“Okay….just let me know what time you’ll be picking me” Too much sassiness! Gurl, you are not the fucking Kween Bey! Boys don’t want such attitude. They want that helpless Disney princess who’s clueless and beautifully dumb (except for Belle, of course). Scrap!

“Hey, it’s been a long time. How are you?” Gezz! This kind of question is for the Titas of Manila? And with this response, you will surely end up an alone Tita of this province.

“Hello C. Happy to hear from you. I am making a school project right now but for you I can make the deadline dead. Hahaha…Call me up when you’re on the way..” PERFECT! Bravo for males! Brava for females! Bravi for everyone! That is how you handle this exciting game. First, the mention of the name makes it really personal…and subtly sweet. Second, the projected concern by being “happy to hear” chu chu… is clever! You make your soaring emotions felt without showing too much or else…Third, the thought of being in the midst of something big (biggest, to be exact, this project must be submitted on Friday and today is actually…Saturday so you are passing this late) and then dropped it just to be with him sounds like Belle dropping books just to be with the Beast! Urrgghh! And lastly, you make it play…it sounded like a joke but it sounded real and funny and carefree… You’re a legend!

Seconds later

“Hehehe…Sus! I’ll be at 10pm in your doorsteps” ---If only boys knew how it took a bloody analysis just to have that perfect response!

 

I sometimes get invites like this from him. And that sample from above makes this thing very serious. I mean why on Earth would this guy invite me and have a “night out” with only I and him? Based on my counting, this is the fourth time he asked me for the year. I don’t know what prompt him to ask me instead of asking some of his friends who are much carefree than me. Although I can pull off a Kris Aquino way of talking---meaning, I can create topics out of nowhere or out of something and make it…fun, I guess---he still have a lot of friends who are much way funnier than me and had fewer issues than me or a girl---He is handsome…Im sure any girl would die just to get invited but he invited me---a sappy gay with a lot of issues (we need to go home at 12 or else I will miss church the next day and piss my Grandma off, be discreet because people might know me and tell that Im out for the night which Im not allowed to do so or worse seen hanging out with a guy in the night drinking flavored beer!, etc…). Yes, I might be overly freaking out over a “maybe” friendly night out between two FRIENDS. But can you blame me? Im just a human being….who overanalyzes.

It’s 10 pm and I heard the sound of his scooter outside. I tried not to make a sound going to the door from my room so as not to make my Grandma awake. I had my wardrobe selection started just the moment he texted me earlier and culminated just a few moments ago…yeah, fashion is a serious business bitch. I got out. I can see his face smiling at me knowing that I had to go through that ninja stuff just to get out of my house.

“Hey…” I didn’t smile while saying that because Im totally giving him the Ice Queen vibe or else he’ll know…and I might scare him off.

“Let’s go. Where to go?” He said.

“You decide…”

“No. You decide. I don’t know where to go” This always makes me irritated…when he directed to me all the things that should be done and where those things should be done, making me look like a control freak…which sadly totally I am.

“Urrghh…It’s really hot so maybe let’s go to the boulevard and have a little wind for ourselves…with flavored beers, of course”

“Okay…with flavored beers, of course.” Gosh, his weirdly modulated voice seemed like the voice of an angel…shucks!

I hopped in and there you go again…I smelled that perfume that god knows can be my Achilles’ heel. His perfume smelled so fresh and yet so manly and irritatingly mesmerizing. It makes you want to smell him for the whole day. So en route, we had the basic conversation. I asked about how’s work, how are you… and he answered with close-ended answers, if there’s one. We didn’t talk afterwards…maybe because he’s busy driving and Im busy smelling…no…busy thinking! Im busy thinking about what this was and what I feel. If in your life you only had this chance where somebody treated you differently, wouldn’t you think this is really something? This time, Im assessing whether this is still a crush, you know, that little crush it’s not like you faint everytime he touch thingy. And I don’t know what I felt tonight! I cant seem to fathom whether this feeling merits honoring…char! But anyway, according to Drake, YOLO---You Only Live Once---I bet you didn’t know that Drake started this aphorism last 2011. And so, I flowed in the river and for once in my life clueless about where this will take me.

He bought flavored beers and Tatoos (a cheese-flavored junk food which became my favorite because of him, of course). He bought them all and didn’t ask for my share because he knows that Im a dumbass broke college student. We head on to the boulevard of the town.

This boulevard was just newly constructed. In fact, this is not finished yet. But in some way, the place seemed magical…char again. You know what they say…it’s not the place it’s who are you with that made the place beautiful. Basing on my discretion, I decided that we sit on the dark side of the boulevard…away from the nosy barbecue, liquor, and street food vendors and away from possible acquaintances who might jail me…through my overly high-standard-value family.

And then we talked. I told him about the whereabouts of our contemporaries, who’s hitching who, funny moments during high school that we shared…those memories that seemed so fresh until know. We talked about our favorite school paper adviser and talked about the major transformation about our one classmate who turned from a skinny malnourished kid to a well-built and finally a well-groomed human being that he is now. He laughed…laughed a lot. I like the way I make him laugh.

“So, how’s your love life?” He nonchalantly asked me.

“More on flings…because nothing’s too serious for now. I have a degree to finish and my family is expecting so much for me that making a wrong would end things for bad.” I said.

“Weeh?” He teased…as if Im a good-looking playgirl who can get anybody she wants. Yeah… during party weekends, you meet a boy or boys if you’re lucky, have a good conversation, and let the airplane take off. But that was it. I believe that there are boys that are meant to be flings (purely no strings attached relationship, who are dumb or don’t live up to my standards but handsome and hot), boys that are meant to be friends (I have a lot of straight guys who are actually are true friends who can fight for me), and boys that are candidates for being The Boyfriend. I believed that anyone should be specific about their future boyfriend. As for me, I want him to be handsome…just the right amount because if he’s too handsome for you you’ll be raising eyebrows, tall or taller than me, of course not the talkative type or else we’ll clash…I want him to have the right amount of talking skills just to complement mine, smart in Math or Science…gosh intelligence is hot you know, and respects you and your being but never blinks to contradict you whenever you’re pushing things which are not good and wants his opinions to be heard and not just snoop around you. While going over these, I realized I was actually describing him.

“Hey, you still there?” He snapped me out of my silliness.

“Yes? I love this Tatoos by the way.”

“Yeah. It was surprisingly good. Uhm, you know that Im hanging out with P and Ra lately do you?” P and Ra are my classmates in high school: pretty, rich, and funny.

“No. How are they?” Unfortunately, I am taking my degree in the opposite side of this island while most of my classmates are in the heart of the city.

“They are fine. I actually went to P’s apartment. Don’t you think I have a shot at her?”

This took me aback. So this question answered all the questions above my head. This question erased all looming and up and coming hopes. This question just shattered my heart.

“What do you mean? You love her?” I asked with the right intonation and tone, expressing a don’t-care attitude as if it didn’t pierce some part of my body.

“No….just testing the waters.” So, just like the coming to life of a fluorescent lamp after a brown-out, the hope lingered again.

“This is just me okay…you don’t make advances to someone you’re not in love with. You are not a kid anymore. You make steps because you felt something within you not just because you have a thought within your head. If this fails, it surely will, you’ll have your heart scarred. So, just wait. Am I making sense?” I think he got the message and also he got annoyed. I know I sounded like the pabibo bitch and that annoyed the hell out of him every time. He didn’t talk for minutes after that….a super well-deserved silence.

“But maybe you should try. Maybe she loves or likes you back.” I said this just to uplift him up.

“You think so?”

In my mind I said a freaking NO!? with an interrobang but instead I said

“Maybe. Just maybe. We’ll never know unless you ask right? But just so you know, I am close with that gurl and basing on her personality and pass decisions, I think she likes cool guys.”

“So Im not cool?”

“Yes”

“Ouch. That’s too much of honesty you know!”

“Cool guys are douchebags and you’re not. Id rather hang out with a dorky guy like you or mister nice guy like you than those cool egoistic brats. They are passing fancy and boys like you are for forever…the one your father or mother approves.”

“Okay. I get your point but Id still try.” This actually hurts than my grade in PE.

“Let’s go. It’s late already and I cant miss the church tomorrow.”

“But…”

“Come on….it gets scarier when riding a scooter late at night.”

I looked away and a tear fell from my eyes. Suddenly, I felt the heaviness within me. It was so heavy and it titillates my eyes to swell tears!

“Hey…I’ll just finish this one bottle okay?”

“Sure…actually no. Give it to me because you’re going to get drunk and you still have to drive me home and the last thing that I want right now is a perfectly orchestrated accident.”

He pursed his lips. He’s making sense of my words and gave the last bottle to me. Actually, I needed the last bottle to give me strength by dropping this bomb

“Do you know I have a huge crush on you?” There you have it ladies and gents…the A-bomb!

To my surprise, he didn’t act like that was some kind of a gross pronouncement. I can see in his face and in his eyes the disbelief and that I was telling him a good joke.

“ah…err….sure? Wehh? Me? Since when?” He was so eager to learn about it and yes Im afraid that if we delve into the deep, he’ll know more than the crush he knows.

“Brush it off. Since high school… Duh, you were handsome back then. And you were the crush of the town so I joined the bandwagon. But don’t worry, it’s just a crush and I think it mellowed down now. Don’t you dare think that I would take malicious advances towards you just like the other gays! Come on let’s go!”--- a Big Fat Lie, sometimes I am more afraid of myself whenever I lie because I can really be good that I sometimes I believe the lies I make.

“But…hey let’s talk about that! Really? So Im not handsome now?” He grabbed my arm and then made me sit beside him…getting ready for answers Im not sure I can give.

“That was it C. A petty crush.”

“Come on.. I mean…--”

“LET US GO! This is nonsense!”

I cut him off. He was so eager to learn which was surprising but that time, I am not ready yet. To top it all, Im ashamed. Im ashamed that Im in love…(by this time, it has been confirmed that I love him, duh) with him. And I don’t know why. I think it goes within my personality. For me, being in love is like losing a battle. For an alpha person like me, being in love means losing your grip and beginning to care about another person more than yourself, which is a bad thing. This will make you prone to “katangahan” and an endless “katangahan” which I totally hate.

“Let’s go! My Grandma takes a pee break during this hours and then checks whether Im still breathing in my room.”

I can see his second annoyed face of the evening. He hopped into the scooter and then I followed. We were silent during the trip. I wanted to hug him so tight. I even raise my hands in action but I halted. Im ashamed. Im stupid. Im clueless than Alicia Silverstone.

By the time we arrived in my home…

“Thanks, R. Take care.”

“Thanks, C. Thank you for tonight. Bye. Take care also.” We both did not look at each other while saying our goodbyes…so weird AF…and awkward.

I silently opened the door and went to the fridge to get water. The lights turned on!

“You still awake at this hour?” My grandma while taking a pee break just saw me! Thank god for a jacket and short combo she thought that my sleeping wear was just weird.

“Make sure the doors are locked when you’re done.” What a sigh of relief I had!

Laying down, I made a rundown of the events of the day and I remembered the tear I unintentionally shed. At the boulevard, I shed a tear for my stupid self…at the boulevard, I shed a tear for a broken heart…at the boulevard, I shed a tear for a lost love, maybe.

I’ve thought of the lies I’ve said to him…and to myself. I’ve thought about the message I will give to my fellow youths during our cell group tomorrow. I’ve thought of texting him tomorrow. And for the first time, I’ve thought about the what-ifs…and you know about the what-ifs, they will haunt you forever.

I want to cry but I cant seem to shed a single tear. Perhaps, tears come out at a specific venue. They are intended to fall in the ground where you stand.

Sunday morning

“R, good morning. Going back to work later today. Where are you?” Nope. Don’t You Dare Reply! Back to zero…back to stage 1…

At The Boulevard, I Secretly Wept

“I decry the injustice of my wounds, only to look down and see that I am holding a smoking gun in one hand and a fistful of ammunition in the other.”

 

Sometime in 2014

 

“Hey, Im in town, let’s go out tonight?”

“Sure…err…what’s the occasion?”---scrap! Too bitchy, also sending signal that you’re busy and you don’t want your time wasted…and you don’t want to lose this once-in-a-red moon invite, don’t you?

“Okay….just let me know what time you’ll be picking me” Too much sassiness! Gurl, you are not the fucking Kween Bey! Boys don’t want such attitude. They want that helpless Disney princess who’s clueless and beautifully dumb (except for Belle, of course). Scrap!

“Hey, it’s been a long time. How are you?” Gezz! This kind of question is for the Titas of Manila? And with this response, you will surely end up an alone Tita of this province.

“Hello C. Happy to hear from you. I am making a school project right now but for you I can make the deadline dead. Hahaha…Call me up when you’re on the way..” PERFECT! Bravo for males! Brava for females! Bravi for everyone! That is how you handle this exciting game. First, the mention of the name makes it really personal…and subtly sweet. Second, the projected concern by being “happy to hear” chu chu… is clever! You make your soaring emotions felt without showing too much or else…Third, the thought of being in the midst of something big (biggest, to be exact, this project must be submitted on Friday and today is actually…Saturday so you are passing this late) and then dropped it just to be with him sounds like Belle dropping books just to be with the Beast! Urrgghh! And lastly, you make it play…it sounded like a joke but it sounded real and funny and carefree… You’re a legend!

Seconds later

“Hehehe…Sus! I’ll be at 10pm in your doorsteps” ---If only boys knew how it took a bloody analysis just to have that perfect response!

 

I sometimes get invites like this from him. And that sample from above makes this thing very serious. I mean why on Earth would this guy invite me and have a “night out” with only I and him? Based on my counting, this is the fourth time he asked me for the year. I don’t know what prompt him to ask me instead of asking some of his friends who are much carefree than me. Although I can pull off a Kris Aquino way of talking---meaning, I can create topics out of nowhere or out of something and make it…fun, I guess---he still have a lot of friends who are much way funnier than me and had fewer issues than me or a girl---He is handsome…Im sure any girl would die just to get invited but he invited me---a sappy gay with a lot of issues (we need to go home at 12 or else I will miss church the next day and piss my Grandma off, be discreet because people might know me and tell that Im out for the night which Im not allowed to do so or worse seen hanging out with a guy in the night drinking flavored beer!, etc…). Yes, I might be overly freaking out over a “maybe” friendly night out between two FRIENDS. But can you blame me? Im just a human being….who overanalyzes.

It’s 10 pm and I heard the sound of his scooter outside. I tried not to make a sound going to the door from my room so as not to make my Grandma awake. I had my wardrobe selection started just the moment he texted me earlier and culminated just a few moments ago…yeah, fashion is a serious business bitch. I got out. I can see his face smiling at me knowing that I had to go through that ninja stuff just to get out of my house.

“Hey…” I didn’t smile while saying that because Im totally giving him the Ice Queen vibe or else he’ll know…and I might scare him off.

“Let’s go. Where to go?” He said.

“You decide…”

“No. You decide. I don’t know where to go” This always makes me irritated…when he directed to me all the things that should be done and where those things should be done, making me look like a control freak…which sadly totally I am.

“Urrghh…It’s really hot so maybe let’s go to the boulevard and have a little wind for ourselves…with flavored beers, of course”

“Okay…with flavored beers, of course.” Gosh, his weirdly modulated voice seemed like the voice of an angel…shucks!

I hopped in and there you go again…I smelled that perfume that god knows can be my Achilles’ heel. His perfume smelled so fresh and yet so manly and irritatingly mesmerizing. It makes you want to smell him for the whole day. So en route, we had the basic conversation. I asked about how’s work, how are you… and he answered with close-ended answers, if there’s one. We didn’t talk afterwards…maybe because he’s busy driving and Im busy smelling…no…busy thinking! Im busy thinking about what this was and what I feel. If in your life you only had this chance where somebody treated you differently, wouldn’t you think this is really something? This time, Im assessing whether this is still a crush, you know, that little crush it’s not like you faint everytime he touch thingy. And I don’t know what I felt tonight! I cant seem to fathom whether this feeling merits honoring…char! But anyway, according to Drake, YOLO---You Only Live Once---I bet you didn’t know that Drake started this aphorism last 2011. And so, I flowed in the river and for once in my life clueless about where this will take me.

He bought flavored beers and Tatoos (a cheese-flavored junk food which became my favorite because of him, of course). He bought them all and didn’t ask for my share because he knows that Im a dumbass broke college student. We head on to the boulevard of the town.

This boulevard was just newly constructed. In fact, this is not finished yet. But in some way, the place seemed magical…char again. You know what they say…it’s not the place it’s who are you with that made the place beautiful. Basing on my discretion, I decided that we sit on the dark side of the boulevard…away from the nosy barbecue, liquor, and street food vendors and away from possible acquaintances who might jail me…through my overly high-standard-value family.

And then we talked. I told him about the whereabouts of our contemporaries, who’s hitching who, funny moments during high school that we shared…those memories that seemed so fresh until know. We talked about our favorite school paper adviser and talked about the major transformation about our one classmate who turned from a skinny malnourished kid to a well-built and finally a well-groomed human being that he is now. He laughed…laughed a lot. I like the way I make him laugh.

“So, how’s your love life?” He nonchalantly asked me.

“More on flings…because nothing’s too serious for now. I have a degree to finish and my family is expecting so much for me that making a wrong would end things for bad.” I said.

“Weeh?” He teased…as if Im a good-looking playgirl who can get anybody she wants. Yeah… during party weekends, you meet a boy or boys if you’re lucky, have a good conversation, and let the airplane take off. But that was it. I believe that there are boys that are meant to be flings (purely no strings attached relationship, who are dumb or don’t live up to my standards but handsome and hot), boys that are meant to be friends (I have a lot of straight guys who are actually are true friends who can fight for me), and boys that are candidates for being The Boyfriend. I believed that anyone should be specific about their future boyfriend. As for me, I want him to be handsome…just the right amount because if he’s too handsome for you you’ll be raising eyebrows, tall or taller than me, of course not the talkative type or else we’ll clash…I want him to have the right amount of talking skills just to complement mine, smart in Math or Science…gosh intelligence is hot you know, and respects you and your being but never blinks to contradict you whenever you’re pushing things which are not good and wants his opinions to be heard and not just snoop around you. While going over these, I realized I was actually describing him.

“Hey, you still there?” He snapped me out of my silliness.

“Yes? I love this Tatoos by the way.”

“Yeah. It was surprisingly good. Uhm, you know that Im hanging out with P and Ra lately do you?” P and Ra are my classmates in high school: pretty, rich, and funny.

“No. How are they?” Unfortunately, I am taking my degree in the opposite side of this island while most of my classmates are in the heart of the city.

“They are fine. I actually went to P’s apartment. Don’t you think I have a shot at her?”

This took me aback. So this question answered all the questions above my head. This question erased all looming and up and coming hopes. This question just shattered my heart.

“What do you mean? You love her?” I asked with the right intonation and tone, expressing a don’t-care attitude as if it didn’t pierce some part of my body.

“No….just testing the waters.” So, just like the coming to life of a fluorescent lamp after a brown-out, the hope lingered again.

“This is just me okay…you don’t make advances to someone you’re not in love with. You are not a kid anymore. You make steps because you felt something within you not just because you have a thought within your head. If this fails, it surely will, you’ll have your heart scarred. So, just wait. Am I making sense?” I think he got the message and also he got annoyed. I know I sounded like the pabibo bitch and that annoyed the hell out of him every time. He didn’t talk for minutes after that….a super well-deserved silence.

“But maybe you should try. Maybe she loves or likes you back.” I said this just to uplift him up.

“You think so?”

In my mind I said a freaking NO!? with an interrobang but instead I said

“Maybe. Just maybe. We’ll never know unless you ask right? But just so you know, I am close with that gurl and basing on her personality and pass decisions, I think she likes cool guys.”

“So Im not cool?”

“Yes”

“Ouch. That’s too much of honesty you know!”

“Cool guys are douchebags and you’re not. Id rather hang out with a dorky guy like you or mister nice guy like you than those cool egoistic brats. They are passing fancy and boys like you are for forever…the one your father or mother approves.”

“Okay. I get your point but Id still try.” This actually hurts than my grade in PE.

“Let’s go. It’s late already and I cant miss the church tomorrow.”

“But…”

“Come on….it gets scarier when riding a scooter late at night.”

I looked away and a tear fell from my eyes. Suddenly, I felt the heaviness within me. It was so heavy and it titillates my eyes to swell tears!

“Hey…I’ll just finish this one bottle okay?”

“Sure…actually no. Give it to me because you’re going to get drunk and you still have to drive me home and the last thing that I want right now is a perfectly orchestrated accident.”

He pursed his lips. He’s making sense of my words and gave the last bottle to me. Actually, I needed the last bottle to give me strength by dropping this bomb

“Do you know I have a huge crush on you?” There you have it ladies and gents…the A-bomb!

To my surprise, he didn’t act like that was some kind of a gross pronouncement. I can see in his face and in his eyes the disbelief and that I was telling him a good joke.

“ah…err….sure? Wehh? Me? Since when?” He was so eager to learn about it and yes Im afraid that if we delve into the deep, he’ll know more than the crush he knows.

“Brush it off. Since high school… Duh, you were handsome back then. And you were the crush of the town so I joined the bandwagon. But don’t worry, it’s just a crush and I think it mellowed down now. Don’t you dare think that I would take malicious advances towards you just like the other gays! Come on let’s go!”--- a Big Fat Lie, sometimes I am more afraid of myself whenever I lie because I can really be good that I sometimes I believe the lies I make.

“But…hey let’s talk about that! Really? So Im not handsome now?” He grabbed my arm and then made me sit beside him…getting ready for answers Im not sure I can give.

“That was it C. A petty crush.”

“Come on.. I mean…--”

“LET US GO! This is nonsense!”

I cut him off. He was so eager to learn which was surprising but that time, I am not ready yet. To top it all, Im ashamed. Im ashamed that Im in love…(by this time, it has been confirmed that I love him, duh) with him. And I don’t know why. I think it goes within my personality. For me, being in love is like losing a battle. For an alpha person like me, being in love means losing your grip and beginning to care about another person more than yourself, which is a bad thing. This will make you prone to “katangahan” and an endless “katangahan” which I totally hate.

“Let’s go! My Grandma takes a pee break during this hours and then checks whether Im still breathing in my room.”

I can see his second annoyed face of the evening. He hopped into the scooter and then I followed. We were silent during the trip. I wanted to hug him so tight. I even raise my hands in action but I halted. Im ashamed. Im stupid. Im clueless than Alicia Silverstone.

By the time we arrived in my home…

“Thanks, R. Take care.”

“Thanks, C. Thank you for tonight. Bye. Take care also.” We both did not look at each other while saying our goodbyes…so weird AF…and awkward.

I silently opened the door and went to the fridge to get water. The lights turned on!

“You still awake at this hour?” My grandma while taking a pee break just saw me! Thank god for a jacket and short combo she thought that my sleeping wear was just weird.

“Make sure the doors are locked when you’re done.” What a sigh of relief I had!

Laying down, I made a rundown of the events of the day and I remembered the tear I unintentionally shed. At the boulevard, I shed a tear for my stupid self…at the boulevard, I shed a tear for a broken heart…at the boulevard, I shed a tear for a lost love, maybe.

I’ve thought of the lies I’ve said to him…and to myself. I’ve thought about the message I will give to my fellow youths during our cell group tomorrow. I’ve thought of texting him tomorrow. And for the first time, I’ve thought about the what-ifs…and you know about the what-ifs, they will haunt you forever.

I want to cry but I cant seem to shed a single tear. Perhaps, tears come out at a specific venue. They are intended to fall in the ground where you stand.

Sunday morning

“R, good morning. Going back to work later today. Where are you?” Nope. Don’t You Dare Reply! Back to zero…back to stage 1…


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