Him

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


The story is based on how I see love. It can be beautiful, but i wanted to highlight the darker side of loving, him

Submitted: November 09, 2017

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Submitted: November 09, 2017

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Him 

 

I have always struggled with men. I hate men. But is still love them. I obey them. I am looking out for them. I care for them. I need their connection. I need their love.  

Sometimes I feel desperate, so desperate for a man's attraction, for a man's affliction. I need it. I need him 

My life around men is kind of like you let a six-year old into a mirror house but then hit all kinds of candy. They see it. They want it. They can almost reach it. But yet, never can. That is how I am with men. I see them, I almost have them. But yet, I never do, have them. It drives me crazy. But I. Still. Need. It. Easy as that. But when you want something and you know you will never have it, you will just want it more. And when you want it more. Eventually you will do anything to have it. For me, that is it with love. For some just a four-letter word that you hear it at least 10 times a day, for the other a way of life. Love is one emotion that will never leave your side, once it has settled 

It is tricky. Falling blind for someone. In any way. If you know he loves you. Or even if he does not. It has always been a guessing game. You never know what your lover is thinking and you never know how they are feeling. You underestimate his feelings but overestimate your relationship. He loves you. He needs you. But he will never want you. That hurts. That hurts very bad.  

Beauty is pain. That is what I always have been told. Beauty equals pain.  It is stupid, don't you think? Why would beauty mean pain? Why is that? Is it also how less beautiful you are, the less pain you feel? Is that it? Or the more beautiful you are the more pain you feel. But also, the pain. Pain is a very deep meaning. Pain is a feeling. Pain is an emotion. You can feel it physically but also emotionally.  Pain is not just something like broken fingernail. Pain can leave scars. The pain you felt years ago, can still hurt. The pain of an open wound that will never heal.  Pain is everywhere. You live from pain. Pain is your drive.  

But to come back to him. My drive for him was pain. It hurt every time I said goodbye to him. I was happy when I was with him and I was dead when I was not with him. When you realise you think you have something good, you do not want to let it go. But sometimes as the phrase goes, if you love something you have to set it free. But what if you do not want to, what if you want to keep his love for yourself? Is that selfish? Can I love him, while I am still hurting myself? Every. Time. Again. 


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