Mom Please Read All Of This Before You React

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

In the grip of active addiction this is the letter I wrote my mother trying to explain my slipping grip on reality.

Submitted: November 12, 2017

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Submitted: November 12, 2017



Mom, I'm writing you this well, because truthfully I don't want to hear anything from you about it. I can't take much more of my life being the one and only always on display, being talked about or me having to divulge all information and answer all the questions. With that being said I am not saying that everything is secret. I don't mean that for a second. I really wish you and my brother would be so honest with each other and the rest of us. I know my truth hurts all of you. It hurts me as well very badly. I don't want this for any of you. I never set out to cause all this hurt, pain and hatred that we all have at one another. If I could change it I would. I wouldn't be the me I am but, unfortunately I am. I know all too well the me I am isn't the daughter, mother or sister any of you would choose. My whole life I have never felt like I quite fit in anywhere ever. It's always been on the fore front of my mind. I have honestly asked my brother if I have always been me or if this me came later. I have absolutely no memory until I'm almost 6. That's absolutely crazy well yeah I probably am and more than likely on the clinical level. Point is, I am who and what I am and that as I have found out in outpatient substance abuse treatment that I started yesterday is severely addictive personality, clinical depression, ptsd, anxiety with agoraphobia and bi polar. I will never be what others want or expect me to be no matter how hard they try to change me. People always tell me you can't keep rebelling the rest of your life. My answer to that is it's not rebellion just because I refuse see their opinion or point of view as the only available one. Just because I'm expected to be one way doesn't mean I can. I know you all want me safe and well. I know you want nothing but good for me. That's wonderful but, it doesn't change the fact that at this present moment in time I'm just junkie Brandi. No I'm not sober but, of my own free will I have started substance abuse treatment. I will not change for anyone but myself and at this time I do not want any of you involved. Truthfully I don't even want to talk to any of you about it. It's mine it's personal and there is a lot to go through in me before it involves any of you if it ever does. I'm not saying its secret and I can't and won't discuss it. I will eventually. I will have to so I can progress within myself. I am a very hurt, lonely, angry broken soul. I place a lot of fault at your feet mom. The way you treated me and the things you have done that you act like don't exist. I struggle with where I place the most blame in you. Before or after the divorce. Honestly I think it's divided equally. I'm not angry with you so please calm down and finish reading. My kids hate me its what happens its what parents do. My oldest son can't stand me and am I to blame? Bet your sweet ass I am. I can't go back in time and change any of it and neither can you. I'm just well, I guess I'm justifying why I don't want the family involved. I need to learn how to cope and deal with some shit and how to move past some. So if I'm distant or appear hurt or angry I'm asking for understanding not sympathy. None of you are responsible for my addiction. I am the one that keeps using. Just because I get hurt or angry doesn't mean I have to choose to put a needle in my arm. But I do. I need to find out why and stop. I haven't used in 24 hours and I feel horrible, edgy and I hurt. I know if I go get high right now all that will stop immediately. I'm trying to be strong but, with no one to talk to about it who doesn't have a comment or little quip to add in its hard. I do not want to hear "I'm so proud of you" or "I know you can do it". For once I just want to say whatever I feel. Cry uncontrollably on unjudgemental shoulders. I don't now nor have I ever had that. I can hear you already saying out loud "yes you do I'm right here Brandi" but, let's be real mom. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have. You think I do things just to hurt you. I don't I just always fuck up in that grand of fashion to destroy the hopes and dreams of young and old simountaiously. And mom I promise you will find hurt in my pain. It's killing me to have no where to turn so im putting all my eggs in the therapy basket. I hope I find calm and self peace there or somewhere. I have been checking out inpatient programs they are a little churchy for me but, if I'm not getting what I need here then I intend on going away for awhile. I don't want you telling Dan, Jacob, Janean, Jordyn, McKinley, Amanda, Carol, Kathy either one, Debbie, Your Mother, the Teller at the bank, Cashiers at WALMART, Baby Daddy you always tell him too much, Anyone I know that you possibly run into or any other random ass person that you happen to come in contact with. For once in your life please keep your mouth shut please. Just this once at least for a little bit. One time can I get patience, understanding and compassion from you? And be allowed to have a chance to succeed? Honestly if I have to hear it from everyone with all the little comments about my life it just makes it that much harder. I don't need everyone thinking "yeah right Brandi" I can't stand the doubt and we both know you all feel that way. I know it's because I just keep using. Right now I don't care what anyone thinks this isn't for you it's for me so keep your doubt out. I don't know to proceed with my life? What do I do? Start a life just to lose it again? Sit staring at blank walls crying? I'm doing that it gets me no where. I'm struggling with finding a reason to not sit on the tracks and wait daily. But, I don't so don't freak out. Run but, where? To who? With what? I have no answers only more questions. I just know that my future is about me and I need to figure my whole life out. This is not a test of show me I'm loved. Lately I feel as though I'm pushing myself upon people. So for now I'll come over when invited but no more me just stopping by. I'm not being stubborn or needy I just can't keep feeling like I fuck it all up for everyone. I could go on forever but, the rest is unnecessary at this point. I love you and don't take this as personal hurt. That's not the point. It's about me and my issue with reality.

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