Your Eyes

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Have you ever loved someone so much that you would still be friends with them just to have them in your life?

Submitted: November 13, 2017

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Submitted: November 13, 2017



Your Eyes


I knew the second I saw your captivating green eyes that my life was going to change for better or for worst. It turns out it went both ways, started out great but now I’m not so sure whether I should hold on or let go. You have me up at night wondering when will be the last straw or when you will come to your senses…


It all started that one fateful night at my brother’s hockey game. Sitting in the penalty box with a half frozen ass, working the clock or as you like to joke about it “working the cock”.  You stuck out as a little shit disturber on the ice but of course being that typical girl, I do love me some bad boys. You found yourself in the penalty box more than once that night but the moment I really payed attention to you was when you took out our goalie. Oh, I forgot to mention, you were playing on the opposing team of my brother’s. When you decided to pop your head in the penalty box to ask when you are allowed out I was entranced by your eyes behind the cage of your helmet. I thought to myself “Boy, you’re ballsy for just popping in here like everything's all good and you didn’t just try to take out our goalie!” Telling this next part to people who ask how we met,  I always get a little embarrassed… Like oh hello, I met your son/grandson/cousin in the penalty box at a hockey game. Once you were back on the ice, I made sure to check your number and since I was in the penalty box I had access to the game sheets, so my stalker personality showed up and I took your name down to later add you on  social media. To my amazement I found you on instagram. What really had me doing backflips in my head was that you messaged me first! I was so nervous thinking that you would find me so creepy and tell me to fuck off but lucky me it was the start of a friendship. Jeez looking back and reading these conversations now makes me wonder why you didn’t hit road running in the opposite direction.


You: :Heu there


Me: Hi

You: Do I know you?

Me: Nope


Can you tell I was nervous?


You: Alrighty then haha

Me: I saw you play hockey… not to be creepy or anything haha

You: Were you in the penalty box?


That part blew me out of the water! Like what, you remembered me from in the penalty box.


Me: Yes :P

You: Haha i remember you! Did you go see your brother play or something?

Me: Yes he was number 71, he was in the penalty box 3 times

You: Haha i feel him… I think I remember him, i really didn’t mean to like kill your goalie haha i am a rough player but i never intend to hurt or hit a goalie :/


This made me think okay you aren’t just out for blood and it’s nice of you to apologize even though it didn’t really matter to me.


Me: Alls good the goalie survived :P

You: Haha yeahh thank god! How did you find me on instagram? Haha

Me: Game sheet had the names and numbers of players, just pop the name in search and there ya go


Why I just came out and said it like that, I have no clue. Doesn’t make me sound like a creepy stalker or anything… right? I cringe so hard everytime.


You: That’s what I thought haha what school do you go too?

Me: Embrun high school

You: Oh nice what grade?

Me: 11th

You: Oh shit, what are you doing after highschool?


At that point I kind of freaked because obviously you were older but I didn’t know if it would bother you talking to me.


You: How old is your brother?

Me: For sure going to university probably science faculty and he is 18 turning 19 in december

You: so 19 like next year ????well idk if he goes clubbing but i promote a club in hull so i can get him and his friends in for free! And ou nice which uni are you thinking about?

Me: I’ll tell him that and probably toronto


Joke is on fucking me! Still haven’t been to Toronto and I’ve lived in Ontario since I was born. Am I a disgrace to canadians? I feel like I should really visit Toronto. But no I did not end up going to Toronto, I find myself sitting in my humble little dorm room at Trent University. But even now I don’t know if I want to stay here for the rest of my uni life or transfer to Ottawa.


You:Ouuu i am going to toronto/guelph in like 2 weeks! It’s a nice place :)

Me: Yes it is and they are supposed to have good programs

You: Yeah, it’s expensive though because of food, rent and what not so start saving up now ;P

Me: Yes but first I need to find a job for the rest of winter :P

You: You don’t have a job? Wanna text it’s way easier

Me: Sure my number is *** ***-****

You: What an easy number haha


Sadly that’s where that conversation ends because I switched phones and don’t have the records from my old one.  Our conversations indicated that we were more than friends and that it was going somewhere until one day you drop the bomb that you were seeing someone now. You said we could still be friends and that was the first time you broke my heart. After that we lost touch during the summer. I’m not really sure how we got reconnected in the fall… Did I text you? Did you text me? I have no clue. But you asked me out on our first date!


We went to mongolian village and holy crap was I ever a nervous wreck because I was meeting you for the first time since that hockey game and we were going to eat somewhere I’ve never been before and didn’t know if I would like anything there. PS if you haven’t gathered I am a picky eater. You were so sweet, even though you lived not too far from the restaurant you came all the way to my house to pick me up which is out of the way.  You and my mom bonded over little kid stories since she teaches kindergarten and you work at a daycare, you still work there to this date. I was just anxious to get out of there and get this date over with because I had millions of butterflies in my stomach. Once at the restaurant, to my chagrin you are supposed to eat with chopsticks but they do give utensils (for the not so skilled with chopstick… ME). You tried to teach me and even had the trick with the hair tie but I couldn’t grasp it so I just stuck to utensils. A thing I do when I am either bored or nervous is drink a lot of water and on that date I drank so much water that when we were just driving around after with you showing me where stuff is, I had to pee so badly we stopped at St-Laurent shopping mall for me to go pee. I have the worst bladder, ask anyone who knows me, but that didn’t matter to you, we ended up hanging out mostly every weekend.


I don’t recall how it went down meeting your parents for the first time but they were nice, your sister was really nice and her boyfriend too. Oh I can’t forget your two precious dogs, I miss them so much. At a christmas party he even gave me some advice and not too worry about anything. We’d hang out at your house mostly because it was in the city and had more opportunities to do things. The majority of time we would cuddle and watch netflix, but we did go out to the movies, bowling and you even got me to try sushi. That was the most embarrassing date ever,  me eating sushi doesn’t mix, like you need to eat it in one bite but my mouth would be so full I couldn’t chew properly. You were so nice saying you wouldn’t look while I tried to swallow my food without choking and dying. The thing I miss the most now is you texting me goodmorning and goodnight, making sure I got home safely after being over and telling me so often that you loved me. I would say that I loved you back but you said that I didn’t love you as much as you loved me. But I did… I still do and that’s why it hurts so bad. Knowing that you could move on with your life so easily tears me up. I know you probably don’t believe me but I really do like when you wear your glasses, they make your eyes slightly bigger reminding me of what captured my interest in the first place.


Anyways everything was great! You were my first and I still laugh thinking back on it, we had to dress quickly because your parents had come home. You shoved your sweater over my head because I couldn’t find my bra or shirt. Along came christmas, you came to 2 or 3 of my christmas dinners and I went to 2 of yours. The one day when it was freezing rain the whole time we had one of my christmas lunches and then had to go to your house for your christmas dinner. That was the first and only time I ever stayed over, you completely disregarded your mom telling you that you should sleep on the couch. Nothing happened anyways because you became sick and was as hot as a furnace. You were supposed to come to my last family christmas the day after but you weren’t feeling good. The rest passed in a blur. We were happy together. I still can’t fully process what happened next.


We broke up over some stupid little argument about the time we see each other. I regret it to this day wondering what could’ve happened if we had just stuck through. We said we would remain friends and keep talking but it died off once again. The second time my heart broke… You said that you would still be my prom date if I didn’t mind but prom came around and we had lost contact so I didn’t want to just ask out of the blue.


A couple of months had past until the day I was standing at bluesfest with Camille waiting for the next act and I was overcome with the want to text you and see how you were. Imagine my surprise when you said you at bluesfest as well. I ended up going to see you we hugged and all the memories I tried to suppress came rushing back, we talked but it was cut short because I had to go get my cousin from the front gate. I ended spending time with you another day at bluesfest and it almost felt like how things were before. I tried to get you to come another night but you were prepping to go camping. Do I ever hate you for going camping because I know you ended up sleeping with that girl.


We at least kept in touch this time,  we ended up meeting up at the club and I met your best friend who was great and nice until recently he decided to ghost me. I don’t think he told you and I know I haven’t, him and I went to the club together the one night but nothing happened we danced together and held hands that’s the worst that happened.  Do I feel bad for lying to you, yes I do but you weren’t fond of the idea of him and I being friends even though I told you how many times that I still had feelings for you and that I love you. As a goodbye before going off to university we met on Petrie Island and yep ended up having sex on the beach at night… mind you it wasn’t the main beach, we followed a little path to a secluded little rock beach. What you don’t know is that I drove away from that place crying because it felt like goodbye. Yet we still stayed in touch. We ended up striking a deal to be exclusive with each other after one of your friends kept propositioning me. That was a really happy month for me and once again you dropped the bomb that you weren’t ready for a relationship. Now that’s the third time you broke my heart but this time it was absolutely crushed.


Ever since then I can’t seem to get myself out of this funk. Some days I feel like my old self but there are days where I just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I know this is some sort of depression, I catch myself thinking how would the world carry on if I wasn’t here anymore. Don’t be alarmed I would never be able to do anything because I imagine what that would to do my family, it would destroy them and I hold on to the fact that there may be someone out there for me and that someone isn’t YOU even though I really think you are it for me. I have taken the initiative to mark down how I feel everyday so I can look back on it in the future and tell myself that I need to change because how am I to succeed in life if everyday emotionally drains me. I just can’t seem to let you go no matter how hard I try. We talk mostly everyday. Not to long ago you said you see something with me but don’t want a relationship right now, this gives me mixed feelings because I would like to move on but at the same time I was able to see the next 10 years of my life with you but I don’t know how long I can wait. They say good things happen to those who wait and are patient. Oh my fuck do I hope that is true but till then I just keep thinking about and imagining your eyes.


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