lose your mind

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


12.36



bleeep.



so, imagine one day something happens to you and your whole world is flipped and like that you have to make choices you never thought possible. for dylan, everything changes the day he receives a
letter from the hospital about an incurable disease and for elise, after what she thought would be the last day of her life a new chapter begins. a story about how through heartbreak, through
adversity and even through death itself a true friendship will always endure. even if you can’t remember the person who saved your life.



the tale of two diaries, and how if you find the right person friendship really can stand the test of time.



by lauren stacey

Submitted: November 15, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 15, 2017

A A A

A A A


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lose your mind…

Sometimes we don’t have control

 

 

Elise and Dylan are 17 when tragedy strikes. A tale of heartbreak, pain and never giving up…

 

 

Written by a teenager for teenagers a must read…

 

By Lauren Stacey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapters.

 

Chapter 1- The beginning of it all.

Chapter 2- The reality.

Chapter 3-  Trying to move on.

Chapter 4- The truth about Dylan Gibson

Chapter 5- Strange times.

Chapter 6- Descending.

Chapter 7- the truth about Elise Cobban

Chapter 8- Finding out and falling down.

Chapter 9- Disappearance.

Chapter 10- Moving in and out.

Chapter 11- Specialist Hospitals.

Chapter 12- Home.

Chapter 13- The tale of two diaries.

Chapter 14- Change is in the air.

Chapter 15- Friendship.

Chapter 16- Darkness comes to town.

Chapter 17- The light.

Chapter 18- Nothing, is what I feel.

Chapter 19- Happiness is short for us.

Chapter 20-  The End

 

 

Chapter 21- 50 years later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1- The beginning of it all.

 

Elise

 

 

12.36pm

 

Bleeeeep

 

That’s when it happened and that’s when my world changed forever, not that at the time I knew it would change but as I am sat here explaining the events that unfolded I realise how significant the last few bleeps were before they turned the machine of and I died. But, as you can tell, reading this now must mean I survived, and I did but my life was never the same after it happened.

 

Have you ever felt sad, alone, broken or maybe angry, tired and confused or even worse damaged, scared and lost? Well everyday all these emotions hit me in one go, all the cruellest most depressing feelings hit me in one big shock like a bolt of lightning. And if you think that’s normal because 1 in 4 people experience mental illness at one time in their lives. (I read that somewhere) I’d tell you, you’re wrong and here’s why.

 

Have you ever lost something? Well I guess that’s a stupid question because I read somewhere, I think it was some science journal that every few hours 1 in 10 people lose something significant to them. But have you ever lost your mind? And I don’t mean the feelings experienced when you’re depressed or anxious I mean when you have no control of your mind or your thoughts or anything you are doing and no matter how hard you try to stop these feelings they never seem to go away. You could say you have no control of your mind all the time but let me lay this out for you. Everyday after the day I died at 12.36pm on the 17th September 2016 my head implodes with all the worst feelings and emotions, I witness things over and over again and the excruciating pain forces me to cuddle up in a ball and cry until nothing is left. Once 12.38pm comes around and the 2 minutes are over I simply go back to being me as though nothing has happened. I think its ok sometimes to get so caught up in something that you lose focus, maybe its only for a second but in that second you lose you’re mind and your reality, while most people only have this reality once a week, month year. It’s my reality everyday and that’s just me.

 

You may be thinking well surely you can have control over your mind and surely after all this time you know how to stop it or at least seen a doctor or spoken to someone about this? Well I have looked it up everywhere and I am not even sure this is a real disease. In fact, I know it’s not and that is why I am fearful to go to the doctors because I am scared they will not understand, turn me down, call me loopy and have me sectioned. That’s why I have to figure this out for myself and this is why I am telling my story to you. In the hope that we can sort this out or if you’re out there like me, it would be nice to not feel so alone.

 

Day 1

 

It’s Monday and today should be good or at least better than normal because I have stats and while most people are like, “what you like stats’ it is my favourite lesson ever and there are many reasons for this. First, I get to actually use my brain. I get to use it to challenge it and explore actually how well it works. Two, well this one is sort of a secret, I haven’t even told my best friend Sky and I mean that’s saying something but I will tell you none the less, his name is Dylan and he sits opposite me every day, we chat and work through maths problems together while chattingabout well pretty much anything. See that’s the great thing about Dylan and I we manage to talk about anything and I mean anything. Also, on this wonderful table sits my best friend Sky and she’s loopy but that’s why I love her. She’s one of those people who is in touch with the world and nature and she is all about positivity. Sometimes her positivity scares me and it can be too much, because when I feel alone, she is always there trying to cheer me up and although that’s great sometimes I just want to feel sad but none the less she’s great and she’s the only one in the entire world who knows about my 2-minute break down and doesn’t treat me any differently because of it. In fact, we barely talk about it.

 

Although I adore Mondays and my special chats with Dylan and giggling with Sky, stats is period 3 and 4 which leaves 12.36pm right in the middle of the two class’s. I have a pass which one of the counsellors gave me about 6 months ago and I leave for 5 mins every stats class. I wonder if anyone has ever recognised it’s the same time every time I leave the lesson? Either way, I try not to care and today I just got up and left.

 

I head for the loos and sit down in the end cubical, I never really know how to prepare myself for what’s to come but before I even have the chance to think about that I descend into the hell that follows for 2 minutes and then get up and leave and walk back to class. By 12.40pm I am sat down and getting on with my work. I find it weird that nobody ever notices or maybe nobody even cares? But to be honest I don’t think anyone could ever guess and so I leave it at that. Today was great, Dylan and I sat and chatted for the whole time laughing and joking about Mr Blake’s sweat patches and me and Sky spoke about the latest interior design. That’s my favourite thing, my secret hobby not just interior design but quotes and prints. I’d like to think my style is artsy and edgy but I still love a calm and relaxed vibe in a room with lots of cushions and lights although my mum does often get annoyed with me as I spend a lot of time making and changing things without being able to use it or even afford it.

 

That’s another thing I haven’t told you, it’s just me and my mum at home, I have no siblings and no dad. In the nicest way possible without being to deep, he was a very rude man and he got me attacked, well me and my mum when I was little and he is now in prison but I have a restraining order against him so I mean really, I don’t have a dad. But that’s ok with me because my mum is my savoir and she keeps me safe. We only have each other in the world but we like it that way. I have to go now, got English but talk to you later.

 

So, I got home around four and now I am sitting on my new rug, omg it’s the softest rug in the world and it feels like heaven. I wanted to talk to you about my dream. I dreamt I had a dog, Oh, how I would die to have a dog, a little pet ball of fluff. I feel he would heal me, understand me and be the brother I never had, I would love a white, curly coca poo. I think I would name him storm to fit with Sky and just to be like, well a nicer version of the storm that occurs in my brain, but mum will never let me so that’s my dream and whilst I know it won’t happen I think having a dream whatever it may be is the only thing holding me together.

 

Tattoo- to leave a mark.

 

Here’s another dream, I have always wanted a tattoo just something to show a mark on my skin something that changes what I look like, and something that leaves an indelible mark like a scar, a permanent reminder to last forever, and doesn’t change unlike life. I think I would get a quote on the back of my wrist and it would say ‘you’ve got everything it takes but it will take everything you’ve got’ or ‘live another day’ or maybe even ‘lose your mind’. I love these quotes and I would love to have it engraved on me. Mum says its stupid and she would never approve. Like I really care anyway I mean it’s my life so yeah, I probably will get one the minute I can.

 

Its late now I have been facetiming Sky for hours, we just love to share our new designs and chat about colours, sparkles and lights when we chat, its like the world doesn’t exist its like we get caught up and we can’t return back down to earth until my hand touches the big red button which says “Shut down”. And then it’s over.

 

I then enter the darkness that consumes me again before I drift of into the dreams that surround me and capture me, but I love it because sleeping is the only thing I have ever been good at, it’s the place where I can escape and it’s as though for those 7 hours I can dream about who I want to be.

 

Tuesday comes and goes like any other normal day, its early May so we are heading into the end of school and heading into summer. I am 17 and in my first year of college. I love college it’s a place where everyone is individual and everyone can express themselves. I used to feel trapped in school, all the rules and regulations of the way we were meant to be and the way we were meant to dress. It’s also where I almost lost my life! Shall I tell you that story or perhaps later because I am tired now and I have a busy day tomorrow.

 

I wake up feeling good today you could say, I run downstairs and grab an apple from the fruit bowl its part of my healthier life, healthier mind new lifestyle which Mum calls a fad but it isn’t. I hope that something can help control this deadness inside of me. That at the moment I can’t seem to control and well I am hoping that eating this will be good for me and that I will feel better even if it changes nothing. I head out of the door in my favourite grey jumper tucked into the blue holey jeans that I wear to death.

 

 

Dylan, (Another day of the drowning, I will explain)

They say when your drowning you feel like your heads exploding, then when you finally let the water in that’s when it stops hurting that’s when you feel nothing and its not scary anymore in fact it’s kind of peaceful. Well this is my life everyday I feel like I am drowning, I feel like I am being swallowed up by a dark hole and it takes control of my brain, my body and my actions, this hole never gets bigger and it never gets smaller. It stays the same, like everything in life its all the same for me, I don’t see me falling in love having kids and getting a good job, that would be wishful thinking. Anyway, so that’s me, a living walking nightmare. So much so that my mum has given up on me the psychologists have given up on me, my friends have given up on me, I have nobody literally nobody, I am all alone in life but I am ok with that because I can’t do much anyway. I am 17 and approaching 18 and although this is very self-pitying I am living the hardest life. I often ask myself why am I actually like this and it comes down to well, I don’t know, I guess I was born this way. I realise that I haven’t told you what’s wrong with me? Well its many things but I have what’s called ‘Frontotemporal dementia’, sounds stupid right but it’s basically the only form of dementia that can affect teenagers and there’s no cure. I can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s a dream. I struggle with language and reading situations and socialising which leads to anxiety which is explains my living nightmare. So, you may think that with all these problems do I question whether I want to continue living.  The thing is, this feeling never gets strong enough for me to think enough is enough, I have learnt to control it, but also because every day I think about what I haven’t seen in life what I haven’t experienced, all the things I have never done all the people I would die to meet, not to mention that I have to tell my secret crush I like her.  I can’t live in fear of my brain melting down not now when I have plucked up the courage to speak to her and I think she may actually like me too. The problem I have is that I am pretty popular around college although, I am not sure how this happened but people seem to like me she’s the only girl I have ever come across who hasn’t immediately been in love with me which I love. Her name is Elise and we sit in stats together. To be honest stats is hard for my brain to understand and work at but I try because I understand it’s important and I like to challenge my brain.

 

Dylan - Friday

 

I decided to go and meet Conor my best friend before school for a chat and maybe go for a walk although I am not sure why, maybe today would be a good day to tell him that I have dementia because I have to tell somebody its killing me not being able to talk about it. I can’t breathe, I can’t hear, I can’t see. Its all gone blurry in my brain. I can’t stop that drowning feeling, the feeling off just not being able to breathe, feeling like I am suffocating and is getting worse and my life is changing I guess, I feel it change because I have never gone this far because I have never felt like I have had this little control of my breathing. Oh no, what’s happening to my head I am descending into darkness as I feel my head smash onto the ground that seems so hard below me

 

Elise

 

I walk to college today down one of the paths by the lake, because I wanted to be by the water as it seems to calm me down and it was sunny. It was miles from college but I didn’t care because I mean does it even matter if I go or not my life isn’t going to go anywhere anyway. Then I saw him? Dylan strolling towards me and he looked out of it, it was like he had no idea where he was. He was stumbling and it looked like he was struggling to breathe so I ran up to him and did the only thing I knew might help when I saw he was having a panic attack but a severe one, a very serve one.

 

Dylan

 

She kisses me and suddenly I hear music flood my brain, dream like music. It’s incredible. I can see, I can hear and I can breathe and then the drowning feeling starts to ease. I open my eyes and she is standing there, at first, I didn’t recognise her and then from that faint smile and the look in her eyes as our lips parted I knew it was Elise, she just looks at me in that way and says

 

“I read once that holding your breath can stop a panic attack, so when I kissed you, you held your breath.” And we sit there for what feels like years and she say’s something that changes the course of my life.

 

“There’s a voice inside my head that keeps telling me to be brave” and that’s when I know she’s the one and I can’t lose her. I know what she said may not make sense to you but to me these words make me relax and then I feel ok and not so alone.


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