A Letter to You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


An apology and thank you letter on what I should have told you if I had known sooner.

Submitted: November 16, 2017

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Submitted: November 16, 2017

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Hey you,

 

I know it’s been a while. Actually only about two years, but boy did that time move fast. So many things have happened since for you, yet so little for me. Two years ago we were holding hands in the parking lot. We were leaning against your car while talking to two others- one of which was clearly into me and trying to hit on me while you were there. I was super uncomfortable and leaned into you for protection. You didn’t seem to get the hint until I squeezed your hand and you saw how uncomfortable I was. Once you saw, we left. I remember how safe you made me feel. You were always quick to get hints and pick up on how I was feeling, and you always knew how to make me feel better. You made a joke and we laughed that situation off. It was sweet, because you made a joke about how slow you were to realize that the guy was hitting on me and we laughed it off.

Two years ago we were driving and laughing at night, blasting songs that we both loved while singing along horribly. You would always make me laugh by doing your cartoon characters impressions. They were great. We would drive down dark country roads, and sometimes ones that were rather questionable. No matter how tired I was, I knew that I could always stay awake if I were with you.

Two years ago you would call me at random times. To you they weren’t random, but to me they were always out of the blue. You would call to make me smile and laugh. You would call because you were thinking of me, which was sweet, and you would call because you would hear our song on the radio or have it stuck in your head so you would call me and sing it, hanging up quickly after. It always made me laugh when you would call me and sing it, and I would always have a huge smile on my face once you hung up because I knew you were thinking of me.

Two years ago you not only knew how to make me laugh, but you also knew how to make me smile. You always knew just when to be sweet and romantic, when to be funny, and when to tease me. Even though I would often roll my eyes, a smile was always on my face. I secretly loved the teasing, although I’m sure to you it wasn’t a secret because you could always read me. You would always tease me for my accent and my hatred for drinking water. And once you found out I didn’t like drinking milk either- oh wow, you had a field day. But I loved it. I loved all of it. You always knew when to stop before it got irritating and you always knew what got me riled up. And you always told me that you thought it was adorable.

Two years ago, you knew how to make me feel. You stared at me the way no one else ever had, and you always loved me the way I never thought someone could love me. You made me feel like I was worth something. You made me feel as if I were the most beautiful person on Earth. You made me feel alive.

But two years ago, what I didn’t tell you was that I was afraid of the way you made me feel. I was afraid of the way you looked at me. I was afraid of the way you could just stare at me for hours with some much love and adoration. I had never had someone love me that much or had someone make me love them that much. So two years ago, I ran.

What I didn’t tell you two years ago was why. So here I am, two years later, deciding it’s finally time to tell you. Honestly, I would have told you sooner if I knew. When I ran, I wasn’t sure why at first. What we had was picture perfect and you gave me no reasonable reason to leave. I just did. But two years later, I finally figured it out. Two years ago I ran because you loved me. I ran because you looked at me when we were stargazing and you couldn’t keep your eyes off of me because you thought I was prettier than the heavens above us. I ran because of how special you made me feel and because I loved you. All of my life I had been knocked down by the people I cared about, making me think that I was worth nothing. I never got the love or attention a kid needs when growing up, so I had no clue what it was like for someone to pay that much attention to me. I had never experienced that much love from someone else before, and I had never experienced feeling love like the way I loved you towards someone else.

When I ran two years ago, you wanted an answer and I couldn’t give you one. I avoided the question because at the time I truthfully didn’t know. Every instinct in my body was telling me to run, so I did. Perhaps I was just afraid of getting too close to someone just for them to knock me down again, so I ran before that could happen. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready for a relationship. I think in part it was both of those. I was afraid of your love because I had never been shown anything like that before, and I was afraid of loving you because I was worried you would leave me. So two years ago, I ran.

Two years ago I was afraid of loving you and being loved. But now, two years later, I’m ready. However… one year ago, you got married. I was kind of surprised by how quickly after we broke up you got married, but I realize now that you had so much love to give and at the time I couldn’t reciprocate or accept it. You needed someone who would, and you found someone who did. You deserve someone who will give you what you gave me plus more. You deserve someone who won’t run. You deserve someone who isn’t afraid of your love or to love. So I’m glad you found her. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t have been the girl you wanted, and I’m even more sorry that I did to you what I was worried you would do to me: run. And I’m sorry I never gave you an answer. I don’t think you’ll ever see this, but if you do then I’m glad. I know I am not a part of your life anymore and I am not trying to be- I just thought you deserved an answer.

Two years ago you saw all the good in me that I could not see and showed it to me. But two years later, I’m struggling. Two years ago I was able to start loving myself because you showed me that I was worth something and you showed me how I could love myself. But I can’t find that anymore. I’m so desperately trying to remember the reasons you gave me for loving myself, but I can’t. So here I am, two years later, numb and depressed. Tears are rolling down my face because I still don’t love myself and I can’t remember how to. I can’t see the good in me and no one else has come along since you that has helped. I am so desperately trying to remember how I felt when I was with you, and the only word that comes to mind is: Alive. I know I shouldn’t rely on relationships to help me love myself, but, as someone who grew up with the absence of love, I don’t know how. So here I am, two years later, desperately trying to remember what you taught me. Even if I don’t feel the same way now as I did then, with you, I at least have your memory to show me that I can be loved and I am worth loving. You showed me that, and right now that is the only thing that is keeping me strong.

Two years ago I thought I was not worth anything. I had not known love because nobody had ever given it to me. But now, two years later, even though I am alone and full of self hatred, I at least have known love because of you. I know that I am someone who is capable of being loved and I am someone who is worth more than nothing. And I know that now because of you, so thank you.

 

From,

Someone From Two Years Ago.

 


© Copyright 2018 Erica Robertson. All rights reserved.

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