Sorry That I Loved You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Hanbin was the one who fell in love with Hayi first; he gave her everything she could have dreamed of and made her fall in love with him. Now, seven months into their relationship, he finds that he
can't stop hurting her while aware of the wrongs he's doing. He just can't stop. So he decides to end everything, once and for all. But Hayi has other plans.

Submitted: November 17, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 17, 2017



A black Lambo sat on the street across from one of the most elite dance clubs in the city. Inside the car hid a man; he had rounded dark eyes, a small face, baby like cheeks, a tall nose, and full lips. His features nearly spelled out the word handsome, if not for the heavy expression dragging the work of art down. His eyes were fixed on the entrance of the club; luring, longing, almost desiring something that could not be seen. Yet.

Suddenly he remembered. Hanbin remembered the pair of innocently large eyes that smiled at him sweetly, he remembered the pair of warm hands that gently weaved into his when he needed support, he remembered those soft lips that planted sweet kisses on his own.

Hanbin reminisced on the days before she accepted him, the first time he saw her from afar and swore to his friends that he would make her his. His first step was becoming friends, which was far harder than he ever expected. He never thought trying to make someone smile could be so hard, especially if it was him.

Then he made time out of his busy schedule to wait for her daily, walking her to her classes and guarding her home. On rainy days he would strut with her down the streets with an umbrella in hand, on sunny days he would offer her tissues and dab away her perspiration, and when she seemed sad or lonely he would always be there to cheer her on.

All he wanted was for her to become his. All he wanted was to keep his word.

He damned himself the first time he gave her flowers. The tears that accumulated in her eyes threw his heart into a tornado, depriving him of his breaths and making the tips of his fingers tingle with an unknown sensation. That's when he realized he wanted to take her hand. That's when he decided that he wanted her, not just because he swore it to his friends, but because he simply wanted her.

And when she pulled her gaze away from the roses, her cheeks pink in embarrassment, to smile up at the man standing before her, Hanbin thought his heart had stopped altogether.

She was beautiful.

Hanbin shook his head at her when she flooded him with thanks, stuttering as he muttered something about being glad she liked them. He wasn't thinking anymore, not about the flowers at least. All he could think about were her eyes, her lips, her hands.

Her hand. His brain clearly wasn't in control when he found himself reaching out for her hand before he could even react. This is when he realized his desire for her was uncontrollable.

He wouldn't realize how wrong he was at that moment until a while later.

Hanbin bit his bottom lip nervously, contemplating whether or not he should leave his car and make his grand entrance into the club. A lot of people were expecting him after all.

His phone started ringing. Taking the cellular out of his pocket was a lot harder than he expected it to be; his hands felt so heavy and his breaths were uneven. He knew who it was and it was definitely someone he didn't want it to be.

The screen to the device lit up, the name he expected flashing on the screen: Hayi. He couldn't help but release a disappointed sigh. Should he pick up?

Being a man of reason, Hanbin evaluated the situation carefully before making a decision. He didn't have long but he figured taking a longer time to make the best decision was definitely more beneficial than answering as soon as he could and making the worst decision.

His decision was to not answer the phone call.

He had fallen for her, that much he knew. But he was Hanbin; the rich, handsome, popular and irresistible Hanbin - who never fell for anyone. The irony in all of this was bitter and he didn't like it one bit, not in the least.

Nothing ever happened outside of Hanbin's expectations until he met Hayi. He never thought that he would cheat on someone, only because he never kept a relationship for longer than a week so he didn't feel the need to. He never thought he would ever be with anyone for longer than a week or so.

He's been with Hayi for nearly seven months.

When he found himself venturing down to the clubs more often, dancing and flirting with girls left and right but feeling guilty for it, he secretly asked himself what was happening.

The nights never ended with just dancing and flirting, of course it didn't. To Hanbin's dismay, his nights of fun didn't last too long as a secret when on his fourth or fifth night out Hayi showed up on the other side of his hotel room door early in the morning.

She didn't ask him any questions. Hayi merely peered in to the room, finding the naked body of a beautiful young girl sleeping soundly on the bed, and turned to leave.

Hanbin wanted to run after her, he really did, but she probably didn't want to see him. He stood at the door, watching her as she left, and mentally kicked himself for being so stupid. Silently, Hanbin wished he never met Hayi, never fell in love with her, never tried to make her his.

It wasn't as if Hayi annoyed him, bothered him, or made his life extremely hard. Hanbin was just tired of constantly lying; lying about his whereabouts, lying about his activities away from her, lying about whatever it took to make her smile and stop doubting him.

But the truth was she had every right to doubt him because even though she always gave in to his words, he was doing her wrong all along.

He knew she knew. It was impossible for her to not know when he came stumbling at her door, knocking and making a scene every time he got drunk during the early a.m. Or when he would disappear for days and suddenly show up, his clothes a mess and his hair disheveled.

The same scenario would occur over and over again but Hayi never said a word, she never asked or left his side. Hanbin scowled himself, wondering how he managed to do things that broke Hayi's heart repeatedly. He hated himself for hurting her but he couldn't stop; no matter how hard he tried to stop, no matter how much he wished for it, he was never able to seize the pain he was causing.

Hanbin plastered lies all over her from head to toe. Was anything he said to her even close to being true at all anymore? Sometimes he wondered, pondered, and thought about the same issue for hours on end. What exactly was Hayi to him?

Why couldn't he let her go?

It was never hard for Hanbin to end relationships with someone, he didn't have to do much really. All he needed to do was to tell the girl it's over, that her time with him has ended, and that was it.

He tried to come up with excuses to break up with Hayi but none seemed appropriate. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was convincing himself that he wanted to break up with her, that her time with him was over, but reality begged to differ. His heart had other plans in mind. So, his attempts always failed and he would end up hugging her into his chest as he whispered romantic words into her ears.

After the first time he held her, he somehow just knew it would be impossible for him to let go. Over time, his arms pulled her closer to him, wrapped around her tighter than the previous times, and he realized he didn't want to let her go. Ever.

But he had to. The more Hanbin fell in love with Hayi, the more he would hurt her. He didn't understand it at first but as time passed he slowly tried to figure it out. Maybe, just maybe, he could almost put the puzzle together. Maybe, just maybe, he could find out what was wrong with him.

Hanbin heaved out a long sigh before pushing his car door open and stepping outside. The night air was cold, nearly chilling him to the bone, and he swiftly made his way towards the club entrance. He was greeted by a young man inside, who quickly bowed and escorted him to his table of friends, and immediately he threw on his best smile and drank his night away.

Something, or someone rather, caught his eye. On the opposite end of the dance floor sat Hayi, who watched him silently. He was surprised at first but it didn't last long, he was used to being surprised by now.

Tearing his eyes off of hers, Hanbin started a conversation with one of the girls at the table and almost just as quickly as they sparked a conversation his hand found its way around her waist. He knew Hayi was watching this and he could only apologize to her in his mind.

“Are you in a hurry?” The girl in his arms asked.

Hanbin stared at her with wide eyes. “What?”

“You're a little odd tonight, why are you rushing things?” She accused.

Glancing in Hayi's direction, he found her smirking at him. There was no anger in her expression, no sadness in her eyes. She seemed completely neutral, unmoved, and Hanbin was so confused that he didn't know what to say anymore.

“I'm sorry,” He managed to mutter to the stranger he was holding.

Hayi never lingered over anything. If she had something, she had it. If she didn't, then she didn't. There was no use in holding onto something that she couldn't have, there was no use in trying to keep something that didn't want to stay with her.

So, when Hanbin came to her one day announcing that he couldn't stay with her any longer, Hayi simply nodded with understanding and left him without any complaints or questions.

When her back was turned to him and she was sure she fled so far he couldn't hear her trembling sniffles, she allowed her tears to free themself.

In truth, she had a million different things she wanted to throw at his face. She wanted to ask him why he made her fall in love with him if he was just going to leave. She wanted to drown him in her tears, the ones she never let him see, and slap him for letting her suffer for so long. She wanted to know why, despite the fact that they both knew this was love, he let her go even though she never truly blamed him for hurting her.

And she regretted, oh how she regretted, letting herself rely on him. All his promises made her happy, even if there were some he never kept. When she was flustered, his smile would calm her. He gave her a solid chest to hide in when she was scared, he gave her a home she could return to if she was tired, he gave her everything she'd need when she needed it. He never knew when to stop.

She was too afraid to ask for more, so she never did, but he kept on giving. He gave her his arms, his mind, his heart... if only he knew he could only give those to one person at a time.

No, he knew. Hanbin must have known.

Hayi could tell by the way he looked into her eyes that he felt guilty, that he didn't mean for any of it to actually hurt her, but he just couldn't stop and she didn't know how to make him stop. If only she knew how... if only Hayi knew how to ask and demand what she wanted of someone. But she didn't. She didn't know how to tell him to look only at her, to love only her, to only stay by her side and be hers alone.

When he left, he took all that he gave her with him; his promises, the chest she rested on, the home she returned to, none of it was left behind.

Hanbin felt disgusted with himself. How could he still want Hayi so much when he was holding another in his arms? How could he be wanting other girls when, clearly, Hayi held the only key to his heart? How could he be so selfish, so tainted, so disgusting?

Even in his own mind Hanbin couldn't find peace. The only thing he could think about was apologizing to Hayi about playing her, for confusing her, for abandoning her, for screwing things up to a point of no repair, and for hurting her.

In the middle of his drinking, Hanbin found his conscience repeatedly asking him: Why can't you just stop, once and for all?

He was wasting his time and, more importantly, he was wasting Hayi's time with his inexplicable acts.

His eyes followed Hayi, watching as she strut to the dance floor with strange men (to Hanbin, every man but himself would seem misplaced beside Hayi) approached her, and he was sure every single one of them had hidden motives. (Alright, maybe not so hidden... since in Hanbin's perspective all men had but one purpose when making advances on a gorgeous girl in the middle of a dance club.)

It didn't take long for Hayi to prove herself on the dancing ground; her years of dance academy and results of her hard work trying to maintain a nicely curved body didn't fail to flaunt her beauty and talent as she moved herself across the floor. Her body waves, the flow in her movements, the seduction in her eyes, the way she pouted her lips, her heavy breaths, how damned close she leaned herself into the arms of other men, it all pissed Hanbin off so much that he hadn't realized he was chugging down glasses and glasses of whatever alcohol he could get in his hands.

Perhaps it was just Hayi's way of getting back at him.

Although Hanbin somehow could just tell, he could always somehow just tell, that she was provoking him, his anger still flared. He was sorry, he really was, so why was she doing this to him?

But she wasn't doing anything.

Hayi was merely dancing, catching everyone's attention with her naturally beautiful features and suggestive but graceful dance moves.

Hanbin stomped to Hayi and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her off of the floor. Usually one would describe the situation as one being dragged away by the other but Hanyi didn't fight back and she didn't resist. This was her end game, this was what she was expecting.

“What are you doing?” Hanbin asked her angrily.

Hayi rose a brow, “Dancing?”

“What are you doing here?” He prompted again.

Hanyi scoffed, “Dancing.”

“You know what I'm talking about,” Hanbin accused, still grasping tightly onto her wrist.

“Why can't I be here?” Hayi asked, trying to snake her way out of his grasp. It was impossible, though, and she knew it. He was too strong.

Hanbin reeled her in a little closer, “You don't belong here.”

“That's funny,” Hayi laughed with a mock, “Since when was there a law that said I'm not allowed in dance clubs? If Hanbin is allowed in, then I don't see why I'm not. Which reminds me, I gave you a call not too long ago because I saw you sitting in the car outside as I was heading in, though you didn't answer. But anyways, why can't I be here? I'm a year older than you after all.”

Her words were bitter and held an angry grudge to them. “That's not what I mean...” Hanbin stuttered, his ears burning a bright red. “You're too... this place is too crowded, too tainted, too dirty for you.”

“If anything in here is dirty,” Hayi grounded out, lifting her hands to Hanbin's chest, “It's you.” She used all the strength she could muster and shoved him away. He immediately released her, fearing that he would pull her with him and tip over.

Hanbin glued his eyes to the ground. “I know.”

“Do you?” Hayi laughed, crossing her arms over her torso. “I don't think you do.”

He couldn't find any words to defend himself. He felt guilty, sure. He knew what he was doing was wrong, no doubt. He blamed himself endlessly. But here he was, standing right in front of Hayi, at a loss of words. All he managed to say in reply was: “I'm sorry. I'm sorry for wasting your time.”

Hayi stared at him, her eyes narrowed in pain. Her right hand rested itself over her heart, grasping her chest tightly as the pain constricted in her muscles and the air pulled at her lungs. “I am, too.”

When Hayi turned to leave, she was pulled back into an embrace. Hanbin held her tight, almost suffocating her in his arms, as tears escaped his eyes. Hayi fought, she pounded on his back and shouted for him to release her, but Hanbin refused.

“I'm sorry,” He repeated, his hands balling into fists at her back. “I'm so sorry for falling in love with you, I'm so sorry for making you fall in love with me, I'm sorry for giving you empty promises and for giving you pain and suffering. I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person, I'm sorry.”

Hayi found tears running down her own cheeks. This wasn't what she wanted to hear. Sorry wasn't what she wanted from him.

“I know,” Hayi muttered under her breath, “I know.”

Hanbin wanted to beat himself up. What gave him the right to think he could get away with apologizing? What gave him the right to wish for Hayi's forgiveness? What was he really aiming for? What was this pain that was surging all throughout his body, burning him from head to toe, at the simple touch of her hand? What kind of monster is he?

“Do you finally understand?” Hayi suddenly asked, interrupting Hanbin's trail of thought.

Hanbin pulled himself away, wiping the tear streaks from Hayi's cheeks. “What?”

“What it feels like to see the person you love in another persons arms. Do you finally understand how that feels now?”

Blinking in confusion, Hanbin stood frozen in place trying to comprehend Hayi's words. Finally something clicked and a smile made its presence on his baby like cheeks. He pulled Hayi into his arms again and hugged her tight, his smile never fading.

“The only thing I understand is that I loved you and I still love you,” Hanbin replied.

Hayi giggled weakly in his arms.

“How did you know?” Hanbin asked.

Hayi wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning her forehead on his collar bone. “Because you're a spoiled, rich, good-looking boy with a conceited mindset who has never had to endure any sort of pain whatsoever in your life. You get what you want, Hanbin, and it's always been that way. You don't understand the meaning of pain, of discomfort, of true and genuine feelings.”

“But you still love me,” Hanbin frowned, breathing into her ear.

Hayi nodded, “Because you knew and gave me exactly what I needed, when I needed it most. Love.”

Hanbin bit his bottom lip nervously, “But I hurted you.”

“And you made up for it,” Hayi whispered, “By putting our relationship to an end because you knew you couldn't stop, and that you probably wouldn't stop.”

“How do you know I'll stop now?” Hanbin asked.

Hayi lifted her chin to face him, a small grin on her lips. “Because you love me.”

Hanbin flicked her on the forehead.

“And the fact that I've formally introduced you to the new feeling of jealousy, hurt and discomfort of being cheated on,” Hayi added.

Hanbin shook his head. “Technically, you didn't cheat on me because we broke up.”

“So, that means I can still make an effort to cheat on you, right? That dance floor has quite the selection of men,” Hayi teased.

Hanbin grabbed her wrist tightly, almost to a bruising point, “If you even dare-”

“You're right,” Hayi nodded. Hanbin's eyes widened as he released her, he didn't even finish. “We aren't back together yet, so it still doesn't count as cheating.”

“Hayi!” Hanbin scowled.

Hayi pouted at him. “What? Are you going to lecture me about cheating now? Because you really shouldn't be one to speak!”

“I-” Hanbin wanted to retort, but his words all collected into a large lump in his throat. There was no way for him to respond to her statement positively, so he decided to swallow his words and choked on them to his own dismay.

Hayi smirked, “That's what I thought.”

“I'm sorry,” Hanbin sighed.

Tilting her to one side, like a puppy does when it's trying to comprehend the words its master is saying, Hayi poked Hanbin's cheek. “I'll never let you off the hook, you know that, right?”

“I know,” Hanbin nodded in guilt.

“You know that I'll hold a grudge and that it will probably take a billion years for me to regain total trust in you again, right?” Hayi asked again.

“I know,” Hanbin pursed his lips sadly.

Hayi took his hand into her own. “And you know it will probably be another million years, or million scrubs, until I let you touch me again, right?”

Hanbin's eyes darted open as his jaw dropped to the ground. He really should have been expecting it, but he didn't. He had no choice though, so he simply lowered his eyes to the ground and nodded without a reply.

“Good,” Hayi yawned and stretched. “I'm sleepy, let's go home.”

“Home?” Hanbin groaned.

Hayi glared at him. “You didn't actually think we were going to stay here, in your harem of sexy women, did you?”

“N-no, no, of course not,” Hanbin sheepishly replied. He immediately took Hayi's hand and led her to the exit, towards his car across the street.

Suddenly he remembered. Hanbin remembered the pair of innocently large eyes that smiled at him sweetly, he remembered the pair of warm hands that gently weaved into his when he needed support, he remembered those soft lips that planted sweet kisses on his own.

Hanbin reminisced on the days before she accepted him, the first time he saw her from afar and swore to his friends that he would make her his. His first step was becoming friends, which was far harder than he ever expected. He never thought trying to make someone smile could be so hard, especially for someone like him.

Then he made time out of his busy schedule to wait for her daily, walking her to her classes and guarding her home. On rainy days he would strut with her down the streets with an umbrella in hand, on sunny days he would offer her tissues and dab away her perspiration, and when she seemed sad or lonely he would always be there to cheer her on.

All he wanted was for her to become his. All he wanted was to keep his word.

And he was glad, glad that he never made the wrong decision. He looked over his shoulder at the girl beside him, whose eyes were blinking slowly in exhaustion and cheeks were red from the cold. Approaching his car, he realized that he had consumed an extreme amount of alcohol and shouldn't endanger his Hayi by driving, so he stepped aside and searched around for the closest taxi. He helped her into the cab and slid in beside her, resting her head on his own shoulder. She turned to face him, watching him as they drove off and in the direction of their home.

Their hands were laced together the entire ride, though Hayi fell asleep halfway there and Hanbin smiled gently at her angelic sleeping expression.

Perhaps what he was experiencing was also relief. Relieved that, in the end, the one sitting beside him was Hayi and not some girl he picked up out of the night club. Relieved that he was finally purged of his ignorance and truly feels sorry, guilty, and knows why he couldn't stop.

Now, even if it killed him, Hanbin knew he would stop.

He would make sure he was worth Hayi's while. Hanbin would make sure that he would be Hayi's world, her reliance, her love, that they never regret anything again, that he wouldn't have to fix anything because he caused her pain, he would make sure to hold her tight, never make her cry again and that he wouldn't have to be sorry for loving her this time.

Hanbin won't apologize to Hayi again.

He will make Hayi see the beauty in life, the beauty in love, by proving to her that her love for him wasn't wrong, that they will make things work... He would regain her trust and open up her mind...

© Copyright 2018 Baekonized Eggyeol. All rights reserved.

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