too good to say goodbye

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

A story about a young man who goes through the trauma of losing his girlfriend to suicide.

Submitted: November 17, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 17, 2017



The meeting:

Whether 14, 28 or 71: someone will take a part of you away and start a fire in you that you can never put out. It's like letting them point a loaded gun at your head and trusting they won't pull the trigger. You are their other half. You protect them. You love them. You’re the rope holding them up in life.

Tilly Pembrooke was the one for me. It was like she was the coffee you had in the morning to give you energy, she was the ray of sunshine to brighten your day and she was the thought that brought calming, relaxing dreams when you hit the pillow. She was my breath of fresh air when things were tough and the reason for the constant feeling of happiness in my life. She was the life in L. The incredibly adorable In I. The feeling of content in F and the everything in E. Tilly Pembrooke made up every aspect in which I call life.

I could write you essay upon essay telling you on my time with her and how perfect, stunning, beautiful, drop dead gorgeous she was...

But instead I'll write a short, little story in approximately forty minutes telling you about how my love story was slightly different to how you'd imagine it. Picture a girl with the most mesmerizing, blue eyes you could ever imagine. Dark blue on the inside getting just ever so slightly lighter as it spiraled out further into the pupil. Imagine perfectly, white teeth all rowed neatly under the most lushes, pouted pink lips with perfect dimples forming either side when she smiles. Focus your mind on precision, precise shaped eyebrows going for dark to light brown, to blend perfectly with her hair following the same pattern. Inch upon inch of brown locks tracing down her spine, slightly curling at the ends with that so delicious smell of coconut and peach. With every trace of her skin, imagine overwhelming sensations of the liveliest emotions you could ever experience, all spreading from round your body from the tips of your fingers. With every tear, your heart would ache in ways it would to experience your own pain because seeing her in pain was just as bad. Now can you see why I’m so madly in love with her? That is just the surface of Tilly Pembrooke.

Considering your gradually coming to terms with how amazingly perfect she was, well is, I'll move onto our next chapter; or should I say the last?

December 12th 2016. It was our 11 month anniversary but she was unaware. I had decided to pick up her favorite meal of chicken, chips and Fanta (real classy bird i know), a few roses and, of course, a huge teddy bear twice the size of her - so it didn't actually need to be that big. She loved all the cringey love gifts, so I did too.

She had been slightly distant lately. Nothing to major I guess, but just not herself. I didn't need to be worried because if something was up she would tell me, I'm certain of it. It was abit odd when she didn't reply to my texts or calls but you know girls, she was probably applying her highlighter (yes lads, that is the shiny stuff on their cheeks).

22 minutes late I was, all because of her ridiculous teddy not fitting in my car. She didn't answer the door. Or the phone. Or even her name when I called. Not even the slightest reaction. It wasn’t weird because she always loved a good nap. Except she'd always wake up.

From the minute I opened that door, my memory is a blur. All I remember is feeling paralyzed. I watched everything fall to the floor from my hands as if in slow motion and I couldn’t move my body to react. The final rose fell to the floor when everything changed pace and my heart began to beat faster than when the first time I ever saw her, something which I thought was to be impossible. I expected to meet my girlfriend on our anniversary. You probably did too. Yet I just walked into the meeting where I saw the girl who made my life had ended her own. She was just hung their like she was nothing. It felt like forever getting her down and getting help. I needed to save her. Despite the evidence. Despite her once vibrant skin being pale and lifeless. Despite her warm body being as cold as ice, I still believed she was alive. I still hoped she was alive.

It all made sense. Of course she wouldn't have told me she needed help because she wouldn't want to ruin my day by worrying about her. Tilly pembrooke was too selfless to do that. Too selfless for her own good. I should have got their earlier rather than messing with that stupid, stupid, stupid teddy bear and for what? She never even got to see it.

I should have been there for her. I should have protected her from whatever drove her to this. I should have seen the signs. It was my job and I failed. I wasn't worth sticking around for. Instead, I was the boy holding his dead girlfriend in his arms for hours, too scared to let go of her.

It was that day I lost the flame in me. That day it was as if someone did pull that trigger to my head, or at least I wished they did. It was that day I did truly lose a part of me. It was that day I wasn't the rope to hold her up in life. It was because of that she found her own rope. The rope that killed her. Always pay attention to people’s lives because behind that smile could be a thousand voices trying to scream out, too scared to live into the future.

Tilly, Till, I’m sorry I failed you. Holder of my heart forever and always. Fly high and rest well, you’re my saving angel.

© Copyright 2018 Shanice Walters. All rights reserved.

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