Where is she?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

A short little essay about my stupid little feelings. :)

Submitted: November 18, 2017

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Submitted: November 18, 2017



Where is she?


Where is she? I ask. The girl with the happiest of smiles, the girl with the purest of souls. Somewhere in the journey I lost her and a fake monster took her place. A shell of what she used to be. The monster feels nothing, says hardly anything. But I know deep down the girl of sunshine is still alive, still fighting the monster of silence. I want her back, I won’t give up. 


But how could she possibly break free when she is the monster herself? How can she get rid off her own monsters? How can she get rid off of those murmurs and whispers and of the darkness that lurks around the corners of her head? How can she get herself back when her monster stands guard with a sword in hand, threatening her, laughing at her. How can she fight her monsters? How can I get her back? How can I get myself back? 


She keeps her pain hidden. She yearns for love, and someone who she can trust. But how can she get that when she pushes everyone close to her, away? However I don’t blame her, she’s always been like that, she always tries to protects herself. She just doesn’t want to get hurt. And she tries, she tries so hard to be that perfect daughter, that perfect sister, that perfect friend and even that perfect girl everyone wants her to be. But now she’s done, she’s done pleasing others on the cost of losing herself. 


She wants nothing more than to leave but she would never take such a step that would cause her loved ones, pain. She would have her monster kill her rather than let anything happen to them. No one understands her. No one even knows the real her. She doesn’t know herself, so how could she possibly expect others to? 


Her loved ones, who loved the girl she used to be, have given up on her long ago. How can she be mended when all she feels is emptiness? She loves and loves and loves but never gets close. Her monster doesn’t allow her. She is her own jailor. I’m my own jailor. How do we do this? How can we possibly get ourselves back? We wouldn’t let that monster take away our souls, we will have to free ourselves before it’s too late. I must find that girl with the liveliest of souls before it’s too late. I must find myself before it’s too late. But where is she? No, rather, where am I?

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