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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

This was written on a whim in the middle of one of my depression episodes. I just needed a way to vent.

This work may have triggering content, If you have depression and/or anxiety, or do not like sad stories, i urge you to click off.

Submitted: November 19, 2017

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Submitted: November 19, 2017



Do you know what it’s like to feel defeated?


I don’t mean a minor inconvenience. I mean, you’ve fallen to your knees, the hopelessness shredding through your insides like a chainsaw, you can literally feel the weight of sorrow press upon your chest. Lip quivering, hands shaking, you draw a jagged breath, regret burning through you like flames, tearing through every thought, every muscle, every movement. It’s enough to make tears prick at your eyes, threatening to stain your cheeks if you were to completely combust… And you do.


Involuntary whimpers escape those tinted pink lips of yours as your trembling hands fly up to your face in utter helplessness. They press at your shut eyelids, feeling the moisture run down your fingers as you try desperately to hold those tears back… But to no avail. No matter how hard you try, how much you’re pleading for it to not happen, you’re completely losing it. Time and time again of the same old story, the same old depression weighing you down, you’d thought you could control it by now. For the longest time, you thought it would be okay. You thought you could be normal.

But you’re all the fucking same.

The same clingy, desperate, annoying, selfish person you are. It’s like you’re a manufactured toy, and someone has the remote. Your actions hardly seem of your own anymore, they seem… Uncontrollable. You find yourself dependent on others who have plenty of friends they’d pick before you. Those same people you turn to already have an army at their side, you’re completely useless to them. Just another inconvenience, you are. You realize you’re alone in this world, but that only makes you try harder, because you cannot bear to lose those you’ve claimed. And you know why you cannot let go of them?

Because you’re selfish. You rely on others too much for your own happiness. You forget what it must be like for them, being victims to your little fits. Enslaved guests at your pity party, all because they don’t want to hurt you. Yet, somehow, in a nagging feeling deep inside, you wish they would. At this point, you cannot tell who will stick around for the bitter, who will dry your tears when they fall.

Except, look at you now. Your tears are falling, they are streaking your hot red cheeks in the midst of this breakdown, and who is here? Who’s got the tissue and a kind word?

You release the pressure on your eyes to open them, only to glance around at the dark room you’ve secluded yourself in.

Absolutely no one.


© Copyright 2018 Ember Alstott. All rights reserved.

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