dear person who's nice to me

Dear person who's nice to me

I appreciate your kindness because I'm needy for it

I have proven over and over that I'm far from one of the best people around

Over and over I've brought misery and distress upon myself

So I'm glad you've chosen to be nice to me before things fall apart again

Dear person who's nice to me

I will happily indulge in your encouragement because often I can't get enough of it

But other times, like this one, I reflect on how unworthy I am of it

Because in truth, I've learned to hide a lot from you

Hide a lot of, what I'm convinced, you wouldn't like about me, possibly at all

I don't do this without reason,

I've let myself go and upset people before

My actions repeatedly cause those close to me to call into question what kind of man I truly am

If you could truly know the thoughts that go through my head

If you truly knew how I spent my time every day

I'm certain you would question me the same way as well

Dear person who's nice to me

Even if I've done a good job so far of keeping you kind to me

I fear it's only a matter of time before I lose you too

It could be because I'm too insecure to leave you be

It could be because I get too defensive about myself, lest I be discovered as a fraud, or in the wrong

It could be because I've always believed you to be superior to me in a crucial way, or some sort of star a guy like me couldn't hope to match, which makes me feel both deeply inadequate and very dependant on your approval

Dear person who's nice to me

The closer I get to you, the more certain I am that you will ultimately decide

You're better off without me

I could remedy this by keeping my distance from you

In fact, chances are I already am

But if circumstances or my own needs cause this distance to close

I offer my empty apology for all the ways I'll end up hurting you

It could be me dramatically hurting your feelings and snapping our bond in an instant

Or it could be numerous minor transgressions built over time until you've finally had enough

But if you know me well enough, sooner or later you'll want to leave

And unlike my family and friends, who've been forced to put up with me despite how much I've pissed them off, and so can perhaps see good in me again

You can very easily cut me out of your life past the point of no return

A block on social media, an expulsion from the online group we were in together

And you not answering my messages where I try to defend myself

Trust me, I've been through it all

And I'm genuinely afraid that it'll happen all over again with you

Dear person who's nice to me

I'd say that I'm not looking for reassurances, but I'd be lying

I like it when you reassure me. When you affirm me and acknowledge me

Because I can't deny that I am insecure and needy

But as the tale of the hedgehog's dilemma goes

The closer you get to me, the less enticing such kindness will seem

You will consider acknowledging me a chore, and I will feel entitled to what you once gave me

That is reason enough for me to keep a safe distance between us if my neediness doesn't get the better of me

But it's all a matter of time and convenience

If you truly have the time to regularly be there for me, I can't help but want more

And if you choose to respect that wish of mine, this vicious cycle will begin anew

I will once again learn the hard way that I was demanding something you never owed to me

And so I'll become a mere annoyance you had to deal with before you shut me out and moved on

While I'll live with the embarrassment of ruining another relationship I made

Knowing that I can't escape the blame for how things turned out

Dear person who's nice to me

I'm cowardly, manipulative, lazy and weak

The fact that I try to project virtue and don't usually mean to hurt people does not excuse that

I'd like you to reassure me and tell me I'm being too hard on myself

But I've experienced enough failures to know there's something wrong with me

Even these words are laced with manipulation and a desire to keep you with me

I still want you to keep gifting me with that kindness you've never owed me

And I will despair, even though I have no right to if that's taken away from me

Dear person who's nice to me

I know that even showing this to you is inconsiderate

You have enough of your own challenges to worry about without someone selfishly dumping their baggage on you

But I suppose like it has happened so many times before

My selfishness got the better of me

I offer up another empty apology for manipulating you into reading this

I am terrified that you'll be mad at me and won't forgive me

Even though the better part of me is aware that I should be better, that I shouldn't want or expect anything from you

I suppose I'm too needy to truly listen

Dear person who's nice to me

Maybe that's the fundamental problem that always hurts me

I'm bad at considering the feelings of others over my own

I may be able to act selflessly in one instant. Perhaps even a number of times

But anyone who gets close enough to me will see that mask crumble away

Perhaps that's all it takes for them to realize they have better things to do than putting up with me

There are numerous aspects of me that you will consider selfish, inconsiderate, perhaps even abhorrent

And you have every right to do so, even if I may have manipulated you into thinking otherwise

Whether or not I'm worth your time is your decision alone, and you owe me nothing

Dear person who's nice to me

I'm sorry if I made myself out to be lonelier than I really am

I do have friends I am in touch with, I do have people who haven't cut ties with me

But I always wonder if that was just because I was good enough at manipulating the image I projected for them, or if I was good enough at keeping a distance

I always wonder if the only reason I'm not completely alone is that the family who's raised me doesn't have much of a choice but to suffer me

I will always be afraid that no one will be able to stand my true self

I will always be afraid that you will leave me, and reaffirm my fears

I will always be aware that I've been very unfair to you by getting you to read this, and I will feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough about it

I will always hope that I'm just a work-in-progress and that my life will get better and fulfilling as I continue to live and grow

I will also always despair over the mistakes that I can't take back, and the very real possibility that I truly am as pathetic and unlikeable as my worst fears tell me

I will always be afraid of being alone and unloved. And on some level, I will always believe that I deserve to be alone and unloved

Dear person who's nice to me

Perhaps you're still here with me

If you are, then I am happy. Feel free to reassure me that I am good enough for you

Or perhaps you've left me and no longer want to speak with me

If you have, then I can't say that you were wrong for doing so, and so I'll have no choice but to move on