Woman embodied

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: November 22, 2017

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Submitted: November 22, 2017

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The taxi stinks of driver's old sweat. I'm grasping for air through the open window. It's wet, dark and by all means uninspiring outside. I want to get out. Out of the car, making me feel unfresh, disgusted, icky. Out of the city with all of its November heaviness and low skies. I can't understand why I'm here. What I came for. I'm losing the sense of reality, pieces of the past are everywhere in these grey suburbs of St.Petersburg. I remember me as a child, teenage girl, walking past these ugly buildings on the way from school feeling worthless, alone, scared to go home. And going anyways. I need to get out of this taxi, I can't wait for it to stop near my parents' house. I need to take my clothes, this whole day, off me. I'm feeling trapped. Going to this home while not wanting to go there. Just this time I know it won't last long. There will be an airport, a plane, and another world to feel lonely and misunderstood in. To sink deeper and deeper slowly leaving my body, slipping out of it, disappearing... out of the shame for myself, for being this broken, worthless, not good enough. I sneak into my parents bathroom, it never had an option for dimming the lights, always leaving me exposed, on the radar. I'm smarter now, I'm resourceful. I lit up two candles left in the apartment after my wedding. Turn the lights off. I love this moment. Warm water running down my tired body. Me and my body are one now, we're together, rinsing off the pain and questions and all the greyness of the city. It's my little secret place to hide, behind the shower curtain. Too bad I didn't have it as a child. I didn't know I could. I climb out of the tub and look at my face and my eyes in candle light. I look right into my eyes, I want to believe I see the real me, the wild creature, the untamed woman who knows what is right for her and what isn't. Who won't tolerate any bullshit from anyone. Who is connected to her body, who is IN her body, who would never betray her body, never make it do things she doesn't want to do, never deny it love and nourishment. I see my true self, I believe it's in there somewhere. I want her to get into the driver's seat and get us out of this misery. Confusion. Out of chronically not feeling good about us and the life we're living. I want her out so badly. Playful, raw, loving and knowing how to be loved. Feeling so secure in her ways that no person who could bring us down would ever stand a chance to stay.


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