The Donahues Episode 273

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Co-workers are Ryan's new coffee shop job accuse Ryan of becoming a hipster, and he must determine whether he truly is or not, Ethan lords a potential party switch over the Mayor and the rest of
the City Council, and Trey and Colleen move to Los Angeles to make it big, but end up feuding

Submitted: November 23, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 23, 2017









“Trouble in mind, I’m blue. But I won’t be blue always! Because the sun’s gonna shine in my back door some day!”

  • Nina Simone


(Cut to a close up shot of a coffee cup being set down on a counter. A hand retrieves it as we jump cut to a person dispensing coffee from a spigot into the cup. Cut to that person, a stranger, walking away from the coffee dispenser. We see Ryan behind the counter at Agora Coffee, washing a coffee cup. A hipster walks behind him and starts brewing some coffee. Ryan sniffs the air a bit. “Carissa” by Sun Kil Moon is faintly playing in the background)


RYAN: It’s pretty slow right now.


HIPSTER: Yeah, it gets like this around 3pm. People are in class.


(Ryan puts the coffee cup by a stack of clean ones and looks out the window)


RYAN: It’s gonna be frigid all goddamn week.


HIPSTER: Don’t you like the cold?


RYAN: …It’s not the same as it used to be. I’ll like the cold again when I’m dead.


HIPSTER: Oh, it won’t be cold.


(The hipster starts restocking the pastry display)


RYAN: Hilarious, Charles.


CHARLES: That’s what I’m here for.


RYAN: Can I change the music?


CHARLES: Fine, but just understand that this isn’t a biker bar for fifteen year olds.


RYAN: I don’t know what that means.


(Ryan walks over to the iHome and puts on “Air Conditioning” by Sleaford Mods)


CHARLES: Sleaford Mods? Huh. Not what I would’ve expected.


(Ryan returns to his post as Scott Alexander comes in and walks up to the counter)


SCOTT: Hey! Holy shit, Ryan! I haven’t seen you in years!

RYAN: No, we actually saw each other like, back in February or something-


SCOTT: How have you been?


RYAN: I’ve been alright. I spent the summer in Japan.


SCOTT: Oh my God, you lucky bitch. I would love to spend a summer in Japan, so many of my online affairs are from there.


(Ryan nods)


RYAN: Got ya.


SCOTT: So, listen, I’m in kind of a hurry, can I get a 12-ounce black coffee to go?


RYAN: Sure. That’ll be seven dollars.


SCOTT: Damnit, that was supposed to be my food money for the week.


(Scott hands a five and two dollars. Ryan hands Scott a 12-ounce cup)


RYAN: Self-serve is right there.


(Ryan points to a line of coffee tanks, which Scott goes over to and promptly begins dispensing his coffee)


SCOTT: Sleaford Mods, huh? That’s some good shit.


RYAN: Thanks. (Scott nods and leaves the coffee shop. Ryan goes back to cleaning mugs as Charles leans against the back counter, observing him. Ryan glances at him) The fuck do you want?


CHARLES: You know…I’m beginning to think you’re a hipster.


(Ryan squints)


RYAN: What? That’s stupid.


CHARLES: Think about it. You just put on Sleaford Mods. That hipster ass hipster complimented you for it. You’re wearing a flannel.


RYAN: It’s a black and orange flannel, alright? It’s dark and brooding! Or…spooky, at the very least. (Ryan looks at it) Shit, I think it’s more spooky than anything else.


CHARLES: And you keep asking to borrow my American Spirits.


(Charles takes out a pack of American Spirits from his shirt pocket)


RYAN: I’m a social smoker, okay? You can’t get cancer if you’re just a social smoker.


CHARLES: Ryan. Face it. You’re a hipster.


RYAN: No… (Ryan looks in a nearby mirror) no, I’m not, just…stop it.


CHARLES: What are your most listened to artists on Spotify right now?


(Close up on Ryan’s hand trembling, as he takes out his phone and checks. Close up on his frightened face while he reads his top artists)


RYAN: Uhhh…past six months…Death Grips…Run The Jewels…Car Seat Headrest…CONVERGE! So that’s metal. Uhhh… (Ryan closes his eyes and sheds a tear) …Tame Impala.


(Ryan throws down his phone and puts his head in his hands. Charles puts his hand on his shoulder)


CHARLES: There, there. You want an American Spirit?


(Charles takes out an American Spirit. Ryan puts his head up as he continues crying)


RYAN: Uh-huh.


(Charles puts it in his mouth and lights it as Ryan continues blubbering)


CHARLES: Yeah, just suck on that, alright, buddy?


(Cut to Ethan sitting on his couch, watching local news with Richard Stovall and Quinn Porter)


RICHARD STOVALL: Twenty women have come out to accuse former Mayor Brian Sarandon of sexual harassment this week, the latest in a string of allegations against national and local figures the nation over.


QUINN PORTER: Sarandon committed suicide in September 2015, but women have come forward now to prevent Mayor Satch from naming a newly built library in Hansbay after the late Mayor.


RICHARD: Mayor Satch said in a statement that he is reviewing the situation. He also sent us a freestyled rap about respecting women. Take a look.


(Cut to a video of Irville Satch in front of City Hall)


MAYOR SATCH: Everybody! (Cut to Satch in front of Hansbay High) Go to school! Yeah! (Cut to Satch throwing a piece of broccoli into the trash) Not doing drugs is cool! Let’s not act a fool! Yeah! Let’s make… (Confused) wool! Yeah? (Cut to Satch shaving a sheep) Let’s get it from the sheep! (Cut to Irville driving a Jeep) Don’t drive drunk when you drive that Jeep! (Cut to Satch in front of City Hall) Don’t you ever say “beeeeep”! I just bleeped myself cussing! I just came from nothing! Oh! (Singing) We need to respect each other, yeah, because everybody’s your brother, yeah! I respect women! (Cut to Satch in a denim jacket turning to the camera) I be wearin’ denim!


(Cut back to Richard and Quinn)


RICHARD: We’re so sorry you had to see that.


ETHAN: You should be.


QUINN: Former news anchor Patrick White is also facing five accusations of sexual harassment, and… (Quinn holds her earpiece) I’m getting word that Richard Stovall has been accused of sexual harassment by seventeen women.


RICHARD: Yes, I’m getting word that I am being suspended from this job until further notice.


(Richard stands up, takes off his lavalier mic, and calmly walks off set. Quinn shrugs)


QUINN: In national news, Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell has called on Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore to drop out in light of accusations of sexual assault against teenagers as young as fourteen years old in the 1970s. New polls show his Democratic opponent Doug Jones leading in the race by four points in the wake of these accusations.


ETHAN: But what do they do if he wins? Will he have to go to the House of Representatives and say “I’m legally obligated to inform you that I’m a registered sex offender”?


QUINN: In other news, President Trump has returned from his trip to Asia with one major success: not starting a nuclear war on the Korean peninsula. Baby steps. In other news-


(Ethan turns off the TV)


ETHAN: I need to get to work.


(Ethan takes a flask out of his jacket. We jump cut to him sticking a funnel in it. And then jump cut again to him pouring vodka into the funnel. Cut to Ethan in a city council meeting)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: I just don’t see how it makes any sense to name a library after an accused sexual harasser, especially one that’s from the opposite party, and was one of the worst Mayors we’ve ever had.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Even worse than Ethan.


ETHAN: Listen, say what you want about him, certainly, I had a falling out with him before he passed away, but he was an integral part of Hansbay’s history.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: Wait a minute, that sounds eerily like the Confederate Statue argument.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Yeah, Ethan, what party are you in anyway?


(Ethan furrows his brow, as if realizing something)


ETHAN: Huh…that’s a good question…


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: …What do you mean?


(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: I’m going to use this opportunity to announce that I am considering a switch to the Republican Party. (They all gasp) I haven’t made my final decision, but, if you want to talk me out of/into it, then I’ll be in my office.


(Ethan picks up a cup of coffee and walks out of the chambers)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: He’s such a pain in the ass.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: I move that we adjourn for…obvious reasons.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Yes, I agree. I need to go learn how to articulate what the Democratic Party stands for. As soon as I figure out what that is.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Very well. We are hereby adjourned until tomorrow morning at 11.


(Chairman Edelman slams his gavel. Cut to Ethan sitting in his office with a smug smile on his face. Chairman Edelman comes in)


ETHAN: What is it, Chairman?


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: You’re a real piece of work, Donahue.


ETHAN: You’re gonna have to do better than that.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: You expect us to come in here and get on our knees? Begging for you to stay?!


ETHAN: Well, I would hope it’s more subtle than that-


(Councilman Graves walks in and gets on his knees)




ETHAN: Woman are having sex with you based on the fact that you’re in the majority party of Hansbay City Council?


(Graves sniffs)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: …I mean, not yet. But.


ETHAN: You guys are gonna have to do better than this. I want a visit from the top.




ETHAN: No! Irville Satch.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Oh, God. I’ll call him.


(Edelman leaves, as Graves gets on his feet)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Did you hear about Al Franken?


(Ethan furrows his brow)


ETHAN: …Yes?


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Did you see the picture of Franken honking that sleeping chick’s breasts?


ETHAN: Uh-huh.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: It’s horrible, but…it’s a little funny, right?


ETHAN: Nope. Get out.




(Graves exits the room. Ethan smiles and turns to his window. Cut to Mayor Satch sitting in the waiting room outside Ethan’s office. He looks at the clock. He then looks at the coffee table, filled with magazines. He picks up a copy of “Home Needs Monthly” where the cover story is “Stained Glass- Not Just For Windows Anymore- make it your kitchen floor”)


MAYOR SATCH: Hmm. (Ethan’s Secretary walks by, and Satch flags her down) How much longer, do you think?


SECRETARY: Oh, Councilman Donahue should be ready for you in about twenty minutes.


MAYOR SATCH: Oh. Okay. Thank you. (Secretary smiles and walks away) Dickhead.


(We cut to the clock. We fade to twenty-five minutes having elapsed, and then pan down to Mayor Satch sleeping on the couch. Ethan walks out of his office)


ETHAN: Mr. Mayor!

(Mayor Satch jumps up)




ETHAN: No, sir, just your good friend Ethan Donahue.


MAYOR SATCH: Oh. Of course.


(Mayor Satch stands up and shakes Ethan’s hand)


ETHAN: Sorry to keep you waiting.


MAYOR SATCH: That’s fine, it’s not like I had anything else to do today.


ETHAN: Did you?


MAYOR SATCH: No, my schedule is clean for the week. But I wanted to watch Boo 2: A Madea Halloween with Amy! She doesn’t like watching horror movies alone.


ETHAN: …Come on in, sir.


(Ethan allows Satch to come in. Cut to Mayor Satch sitting before Ethan)


MAYOR SATCH: Ethan, I can’t cut property taxes, I pledged to fully fund education when I ran for Mayor.


ETHAN: Sir, none of my kids even go to Hansbay Public Schools anymore. Why am I paying for it?


MAYOR SATCH: Because of the greater good?


ETHAN: Do you have a little red book somewhere in that jacket, Mr. Mayor?


MAYOR SATCH: Yes, I do! (Satch takes out a small red book labeled “My BFFs”) It contains a running list of all my BFFs. It’s thirty pages strong at this point!

ETHAN: …You should read history. Anyway, I’m sorry, but I’ll agree to support your wasteful new public park, and stay in the party, as long as you agree to cut property taxes so we can get our financial house in order. Throwing money at these schools will not fix them. Unless we’re talking about throwing money at teachers who strip on the side.


MAYOR SATCH: Oh, I hope none of them do that…


ETHAN: I know for a fact they do. (Ethan stands up) Those are my conditions, sir.


(Mayor Satch stands up and shakes his head)


MAYOR SATCH: You’re really risking your position in my little red book, Ethan.


(Mayor Satch leaves the room. Cut to a close-up shot of someone cleaning out a glass at a bar. Pan up to reveal it is Trey Goodlatte. Cut to a wide shot of him behind the bar, cleaning the class while a drunk sits at the bar)


DRUNKARD: Another beer, please.


TREY: Bro, you’re smiz-ashed. I’ll have to ask my girl. COLLEEN!


(Colleen walks in, looking at her phone)




TREY: Is this dude too drunk to be served?


COLLEEN: Totally. Get out of here.


DRUNKARD: Fuck you, bitch.


(Trey angrily throws down the glass, runs over and grabs the drunk by the collar)


DRUNKARD: Whoa, whoa, I’m sorry!!!


TREY: Get up. Go out that door. Get in your car. And drive home. And I never wanna see your drunk ass in here ever again.


(Trey throws him back, and he stumbles off the bar stool. He then takes out his keys, and stumbles out of the bar. Colleen hugs on him)


COLLEEN: That was super hot how you sent that creep home, babe.


TREY: Maybe he’ll think about what he’s done.


(Bennie Lofgren walks in, clearly upset. He takes a glass and pours himself a drink from the spigot)


TREY: Whoa, bro, you gucci?


BENNIE: No way, Jose!!! Gary just told me he’s changing the dress code, now we have to wear slacks! (Bennie takes a swig of his drink) And where the heck are those even sold?! That’s it, man, I’m OUTTA here!


(Bennie pours his drink out in the sink, and throws down his nametag)


TREY: Where are you going?


BENNIE: Usually I would just go find a good burger place, but no, this time, I’m going to try to make it in Hollywood! Finally, I can pursue the dream I’ve had for the last fifteen minutes!

TREY: Bro, it’s so competitive over there, you’ll get squashed like a bug.


BENNIE: No, man, all these actors losing their jobs over sexual harassment, there’s a ton of new openings! Anyway, I’m leaving now. Bye!

(Bennie storms out of the bar)


TREY: …Babe, don’t you have that Netflix show you wanted to pitch?


COLLEEN: Yeah, the one where a bunch of scientists compete to have sex with a dumb girl?


TREY: Yeah, that one. Why don’t we head to LA and try to make it, like Bennie? We’re talented, right?


COLLEEN: You’re goddamn right we are.


(Colleen kisses Trey)


TREY: Then let’s leave this shithole city behind. It’s full of a bunch of pussies.


COLLEEN: Yeah! Let’s go to where all the macho men are! Los Angeles!


(Trey and Colleen throw down their nametags and walk out of the bar. Gary the manager walks in from the back and looks at the ground)


GARY: …The fuck are all these nametags on the ground for?


(Cut to three casting directors, two male, one female, sitting in fold-out chairs in an audition room with the TBS logo on the wall and a two-way mirror behind them. There is a box full of props in the audition space, and a blonde girl is auditioning while brushing her hair)


BLONDE GIRL: (Valley girl voice) Oh my God, Steve, I don’t want a degree, you don’t need a piece of paper to manicure like I do!


MALE CASTING DIRECTOR: Hold on, honey. We don’t want this character to be a caricature of a valley girl, give her a little depth, a little style, alright?


FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR: Joel, maybe some more dynamic writing for this character would help?


JOEL: Fine, Shelly, I’ll tell Dirk, Dale and Dick to write her more dynamic, empowering lines.


(Shelly sighs)


SHELLY: Just leave, sweetheart.


(The girl begins to sulk out of the room)


JOEL: We’ll let you know.


(The girl leaves the room)


SHELLY: Who’s next, Abe?


(Abe looks at a sheet of paper)


ABE: Colleen Diamond.




(Colleen walks in and stands near the box)


JOEL: Hi, sweetheart, do you wanna grab a brush out of that box and say the line?


(Colleen grabs the brush)


SHELLY: Do we have to call her “Sweetheart” and “honey”? Can’t we call her Ms. Diamond?


COLLEEN: Ooh, I like the sound of Ms. Diamond.


JOEL: Okay. Fine. Ms. Diamond. Go ahead and say your line.


(Colleen starts brushing her hair)


COLLEEN: I don’t need a degree, you don’t need to manicure a piece of paper like I do!


SHELLY: No, Ms. Diamond-


ABE: No, hold on, Shelly, let her keep going. Go on, Ms. Diamond.


COLLEEN: I want to, go to beauty school and cut the hairs of my friends and family. You know?


SHELLY: She’s screwing up the line.


JOEL: But that’s why she’s so perfect for the role. She’s ditzy enough to be believable and not just a caricature of an air-headed valley girl.


ABE: #FemaleEmpowerment, #GirlPower.


(Shelly sighs)




JOEL: Ms. Diamond, we’re not gonna wait on this. You’ve got the part.


COLLEEN: Oh my God, you can’t be serious…


ABE: She’s not even that excited.


JOEL: She’s perfect. In fact, would you like to meet your co-star? He’s been watching the auditions through the two-way mirror behind us. ROB, COME IN HERE!


(Rob Altmire walks in and goes up to Colleen. He kisses her hand and looks into her eyes)


ROB: Such a pleasure to meet you, Colleen. I look forward to being your spirit animal.


COLLEEN: You’ve got it.


(Rob smiles. Cut to Ryan sitting next to Charles and Sarah in a small movie projection room. They are surrounded by a dozen hipsters and art students. Ryan is wearing plaid and thick-brimmed glasses)


CHARLES: Ryan, you don’t need to be worried about being a hipster. We’re as edgy and subversive as emo kids, just more grown-up.


SARAH: He’s right. Honestly, I was only persisting with the emo thing because you were still doing it.


RYAN: Listen, I haven’t decided what I’m sticking with yet. I’m trying this out, so don’t jump to conclusions.


CHARLES: Dude, you guest starred in my experimental film. It’s kind of too late to go back now.


SARAH: Shhh! It’s starting.


(Cut to the film. We start with black and white, jerky footage of Soviet farmers tilling fields. Text appears at the bottom reading “Soviet Farm, 1926”. We then cut to footage of Ryan as a Soviet Farmer, tilling a field. He looks up to see a tree has appeared, with a noose hanging from it. Suddenly, Ryan’s entire body is submerged in the soil, except his head)


RYAN: ? ??? ?????????, ?????????? ? ????, ??????? ?????? ??? ???????


(SUBTITLES: I was a man born in June, who shall see my struggle?)


(Cut to Ryan as a Doctor with an antiquated headlamp lording over a small blue bird on a cold operating table. He is holding a scalpel)


RYAN: It’s time for this creature’s sex change operation.


(The bird cheeps. Cut to Sarah, Charles and Ryan)


RYAN: (Whispering) I still don’t get this part.


CHARLES: (Whispering) It’s social commentary.


RYAN: (Whispering) On what?


SARAH: (Whispering) Is this why it’s called “Lady Bird”, by the way?


CHARLES: (Whispering) Yes. And I swear I came up with the title before that Greta Gerwig movie came out.


RYAN: (Whispering) People are gonna hate this. (Cut to Ryan walking around his apartment on the phone) No, I’m sorry, I can’t play a maggot cannibal in your indie horror film, okay?! My schedule does not permit! Goodbye!


(Ryan hangs up as Alan comes in)


ALAN: Who was that?


RYAN: I’m suddenly a star in the Plattsburgh indie film scene. Why can’t I just go back to being actively reviled and excluded?


ALAN: Dude, you’re an OG, you should embrace it.


RYAN: No, I’m a music person, not a film person. Look, Alec and Tara left Depraved Hallway Fern, and now they want to make music with me. So I’m gonna, you know, go do that with them. (Ryan grabs his coat and heads for the door, but turns to Alan and points) If I come back even a LITTLE BIT satisfied with myself, punch me in the head.


(Ryan leaves. Cut to Alec and Tara in a garage. Tara is tuning an acoustic guitar, while Alec is screwing around with drums. Ryan walks in)


RYAN: Hey guys.


ALEC: Whoa. You look…different.


RYAN: I know. Isn’t it awful? Aren’t I the worst?


TARA: I like it. You look more adult.


RYAN: “Adult” is just a code word for “sadder but less likely to show it”.


ALEC: Do you want people to tell you they’re sad all the time?


RYAN: No, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to tell them. (Ryan takes off his jacket and throws it aside) Hand me that. I wanna get a sense of where this project is going, creatively.


(Alec hands Ryan the acoustic guitar)


TARA: Do we want to be the anti-DHF?


RYAN: We don’t have to be. We can just see where this takes us. As long as it’s obvious we’re a different group than DHF.


ALEC: I came up with a list of band names we could consider. So, brace yourself. (Alec pulls up the list on his phone) Third Wheel. Because, it’s like we’re dating, but you’re here.


RYAN: No, it’s too, comical.


TARA: I beg to differ.


RYAN: Exactly, next.


ALEC: Dicks In Cuffs.

TARA: That one’s really bad.


RYAN: Let’s not dismiss it outright, but I want to hear more.


TARA: Can we just start writing music?


RYAN: Fine.


(Cut to a montage of them writing music as “Taking Care of Business” by Bachman Turner Overdrive plays. We see them writing notes, strumming guitars, trying out drum parts, writing music, talking to each other, we see Ryan straightening a line of white powder on a mirror, and then dumping that white powder, which is apparently sugar, into a cup of coffee. As the song fades out, we see Ryan, Alec and Tara sitting around on couches in the garage, exhausted)


TARA: Well…I think we may have written enough material for a whole album.


ALEC: Yeah, thanks for the coffee, cream and sugar.


RYAN: No problem, I got it from my friend Enrique. At Wal-Mart. I mean, he really just checked me out, but, same thing.


ALEC: Let’s practice the first song real quick and then we’ll call it a day.


(Ryan, Alec and Tara get up. Ryan goes to the microphone, Alec sits behind the drums and Tara picks up her guitar)


RYAN: Alright, one, two, three- (Alec plays a steady, slow-paced backbeat while Tara plays a subtly progressing chord progression. Ryan sings commandingly, a bit like Mark E. Smith)  You were standing like a cretin on a back-block made of wool, you were making every single soul uncomfortable in the room, your hoe was iron as it fell against the continence of your tomb, you were solid rock. WAIT!


(The music stops)


ALEC: What?


(Ryan sits down)


RYAN: I just realized how hipster this is.


TARA: …The music?


RYAN: Yes.


ALEC: Oh. Right. We were gonna say something, but. We thought you knew.


TARA: It’s still really good.


(Ryan sighs and stands up)


RYAN: I don’t WANNA be really good! I’d rather be GENERIC and BAD but GOTH, instead of GOOD and hipster! I have only one more chance to stop this madness. (Ryan walks out of the garage. Cut to Ryan walking into a classroom with a black and red poster on the wall reading “SUNY Plattsburgh emo club- *sad face emoji* meetings every Friday at 6:66 PM (7:06 PM)”) Is this, the…uhhh?


(A bunch of the emo kids sitting in a circle turn to Ryan. They all appear young, eighteen or so. Close-ups on copious amount of bracelets on their wrists, Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts on their chests, straightened pink hair, gauges, Black Veil Brides shirts, and Taking Back Sunday-themed vapes)


EMO BOI: The what?


RYAN: …I don’t…wanna…be here.


EMO BOI: Then leave. I can’t stand haters like you.


EMO BOI 2: You’re blocked, bitch.


EMO BOI 3: Reported.


(Ryan nods)


RYAN: I’ll go then.


(Ryan leaves. Cut to Ethan sitting at a table at a fancy restaurant. No one has joined him yet. He is scrolling through his phone)


ETHAN: Charlie Rose, Louis C.K., Glenn Thrush, Russell Simmons, Brett Ratner- who’s next? Oh, Al Franken again.


(Councilwoman Cusick comes over and sits down)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Sorry I’m late. There was traffic.


ETHAN: That’s alright, I entertained myself.


(Ethan puts down his phone)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: You better enjoy that internet while it lasts. The FCC’s gonna slow half of it down soon.


ETHAN: Yeah, but you’re a libertarian, don’t you love that?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: I didn’t say it was a bad thing. I’m just saying, the internet’s no longer going to be a place for the rabble. It’s going to be for rich people like me who God chose to be successful.


ETHAN: God chose you? I’m pretty sure Charles Manson had the same basic idea.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: But he died, and I’m still alive, so, who’s the real chosen one here? I haven’t often heard of deities dying.


ETHAN: …Where’s Sloane?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Sloane is indisposed. Ex-wife stuff.


ETHAN: I know what that’s like. (Ethan takes a sip of whiskey) So, what’s your pitch?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: You’re a conservative. That’s my pitch. You always have been one. And honestly, you need to stop being in denial.


ETHAN: But I hate Trump.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Honey, so do I. But he won’t be around forever. Your party is being taken over by radicals like Bernie Sanders. A Democratic socialist defeated the Republican Majority Leader in the Virginia House of Delegates a few weeks ago. You don’t belong there. Come back to the shining city on a hill.


ETHAN: …Democrats aren’t gonna trust me if I do that. And neither is Sloane. He’ll be watching out for a knife in his back.


(Cusick chuckles, and looks to the side)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: You know, I divorced my last husband because he kept apologizing to his co-workers and friends for the tiniest things. Being late. Spilling water. Yelling at their wives.


ETHAN: Really?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: He was pathetic. I never apologize, unless I have something to gain from it. If Sloane can’t understand that you were acting in your own self-interest, he shouldn’t be in the Republican Party.


ETHAN: …Hmm.


(Ethan sips some of his Whiskey)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Do you run against Satch in 2020? (Ethan nods yes as he puts his drink down) Then this is the only decision that makes any sense. (Councilwoman Cusick puts her drink down and rests her hand on the table. Ethan looks at it and puts his hand on hers) What are you doing?


ETHAN: I’m acting in my own self-interest.


(Cusick looks at Ethan, then looks at his hand. She strokes his hand a little bit. Cut to Ethan and Cusick making out on the couch in Cusick’s mansion. Cusick starts undoing his dress shirt, as Ethan removes her suit jacket. Cut to Mayor Satch looking out his office window as Conan and Amy sit before his desk)


CONAN: Mr. Mayor, Ethan Donahue could bring down your agenda. He’s the Roy Moore of Hansbay! Only in the sense that he could bring down an agenda, I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been banned from any malls.


MAYOR SATCH: My daddy told me to always stand up to bullies! (Satch turns to Conan) And Ethan’s just a mean ol’ bully! He’s holding our majority hostage!


AMY: You should give him a knuckle sandwich!

MAYOR SATCH: Yeah! That’s how bullies learn!

CONAN: Sir, do you want to get pay raises for the Tug Boat Union?




CONAN: Do you want to fix the giant, unguarded, 30-foot hole in the middle of Percy Street?




CONAN: Do you want to build a park for blind children on Forest Way?


MAYOR SATCH: …Damnit, yes I do.


CONAN: Then you need to do what Ethan wants.


(Mayor Satch sits down and buries his head in his hands)




(Amy goes over and starts rubbing Satch’s back)


AMY: Shhhh, hon. Shhhh. Who’s a big boy Mayor?




AMY: That’s right.


(Cut to Sarah sitting in Rob’s trailer. They’re both reading through the script. Rob reaches for a pack of cigarettes, and takes one out and puts it in his mouth)


COLLEEN: Please don’t smoke, it makes me age. And my mom says she’ll disown me if I get much older.


(Rob takes the cigarette out of his mouth and puts it on the table)


ROB: …You have mommy issues?


COLLEEN: I mean, I guess.


ROB: That’s interesting, because so does your character.


COLLEEN: Oh, yeah, that’s true.


(Rob throws the script aside)


ROB: You know, I’m a big believer in method acting.


COLLEEN: Weren’t you only on reality shows before?


ROB: Yeah, but I still method acted by being an asshole all the time.


COLLEEN: Oh, cool.


ROB: Since I’m the handsome businessman you fall in love with at Beauty School, I figured we should, you know, have sex to really get into our characters.


COLLEEN: Well, that is the only way I express affection, so…okay.


ROB: Cool.


(Rob removes his shirt, and Colleen begins to take off hers. Cut to Trey walking up to the trailer holding a Tall Boy Natty Ice and two wine glasses)


TREY: Just gonna celebrate with my girl.


(Trey opens up the trailer and sees Rob and Colleen having sex. He drops glass and the Natty Ice)


ROB: Fuck.


TREY: What in the FUCK is going on here?!?!


(Rob pulls out and puts his hands up as Colleen covers herself with a sheet)


ROB: It’s just method acting, okay?! SECURITY!!


(Trey lunges at Rob, and he pushes him away, as security comes in and grabs Trey, and begins to haul him off)




(They drag him out of the trailer, closing the door behind them. Rob turns to Colleen)


ROB: Do you think he’ll accept my “method acting” excuse?


COLLEEN: He is so extra, I don’t even know how he’s gonna feel about shit.


(Cut to Trey, tanned, and dressed in a red, silk, button down shirt with a chain, and spiked hair, and tight jeans, waits in a waiting room for an audition)


TREY: (Under his breath) Fuckin’ Colleen.


(The casting director pokes his head out of the door)


CASTING DIRECTOR: Okay, Mr. Goodlatte, we’re ready to see you.


TREY: No, I don’t think you are.


(The casting director squints as Trey walks into the audition room. Cut to Trey walking over to the audition area as the casting director closes the door and sits next to the two other casting directors. Heavy lights shine on Trey)


CASTING DIRECTOR 2: Hello, Trey. I’m Mark Folger, this is Murray Dietrich, and Lionel Pass.


LIONEL: Hello.


MURRAY: Pleasure.


TREY: Shut up, and take this in.


(Lionel, Murray and Mark squint and lean a little closer, as Trey gets ready, and clears his throat)


TREY: You’re nothin’! (Trey points a lot) You think you’re hot shit, but you ain’t! I have the hold on power! Hmm-hmm, and if I ever see your bloated ass in this neighborhood again, you gon’ wish that ass had life insurance. (Trey clears his throat) Hey, babe, I defended your honor just now. That bitch ain’t had his priorities straight, nuh-uh, he a bitch, but you a queen, girl, you a fucking queen.


(Trey clears his throat and bows)


MURRAY: …Uh, that was…is this how you dress normally or is that for the character?


TREY: Well, I just thought, you know, Daniel is a tough guy in the script, so I should dress like a tough guy.


MURRAY: …Right. But you know this is a straight love interest you’re playing, right? Nina. in this script, wants to have sex with you.


TREY: Dude, if you didn’t catch the “fuck me” vibes I was giving off, you must be the gay one.


MARK: You know, I don’t think you’re right for the role of Nina’s love interest. But I do know a role you would be right for.


(Cut to Colleen driving on the 405, listening to “Feels” by Calvin Harris on the radio. She sees a billboard that shows Trey, in his get-up from earlier, with his arm amorously wrapped around a similarly dressed man with make-up on. A bright light is shining on them. Above them, the title “Queers In The Headlights” with the tag “their parents aren’t the only ones surprised” are shown. Below them, it reads “Coming To Bravo, Spring 2018”. Colleen scoffs)


COLLEEN: What the hell…? Did I turn my ex gay or does he just want to…yeah…


(Colleen drives along. Cut to Colleen at a club. She is wearing a dress and holding a Cosmopolitan as beats pound and feet dance. Colleen sips some of the Cosmopolitan while talking to a somewhat frumpy actress friend of hers)


ACTRESS FRIEND: I’m amazed you got work so quickly. And for TBS?


COLLEEN: Yeah, I guess I just have “it”, you know, Savannah? I have the “It” factor.


SAVANNAH: Yes, totally, you’re like an angel, meanwhile I’m trying to get a gig playing Martha Washington.


COLLEEN: She was pretty!

SAVANNAH: I’m talking about older Martha Washington, girl.


COLLEEN: Oh. Well, at least your ex-boyfriend isn’t actively trying to make you jealous that he gets to kiss dudes.


SAVANNAH: Trust me, Collie, you’re gonna get to kiss a lot of dudes.


(Colleen and Savannah look over to see two men making out right next to them. They smirk and look at each other)


COLLEEN: What’s this place called again?


SAVANNAH: “Hunk Daddy’s Dude Warehouse”, I think.


COLLEEN: Are we sure this isn’t...


(Colleen and Savannah notice a bunch of men dancing with other men, and women dancing with other women, out on the dance floor)


SAVANNAH: Oh. Yeah. This is a gay bar.


(Colleen looks up and sees a bunch of posters for Queers In The Headlights on the walls, featuring Trey and the gay man from earlier)


COLLEEN: Oh my Gosh, Trey is really popular here.


SAVANNAH: Yeah, I guess so.  That guy has a tattoo of him on his arm!

(Cut to a muscular gay dude ordering a drink with a tattoo of Trey on his arm)


COLLEEN: But the show hasn’t even premiered yet!


SAVANNAH: Maybe they just like his rugged, dumb masculinity. He’s like a dumber Channing Tatum.


(Suddenly, Trey walks in and the crowd in the bar goes wild and starts surrounding him)


TREY: Hey, what’s up, BROSKIIIIS!??!? (The crowd cheers and whistles) LET ME SEE THEM MANLY PECS!!! (They all flash their pecs at him) FUCK YEAH! LET’S POUND OUR CHESTS BOYS! (They start pounding their chests) NOW LET’S POUND SOME NATTY ICES!!


(They all cheer and start heading for the bar)


SAVANNAH: Does he even realize they’re gay?


COLLEEN: You know, I’m not the sharpest cookie in the drawer either, but, it’s hard to beat Trey’s level of delusion.


(Cut to Agora Coffee. Charles is brewing coffee behind the counter, while a female employee mans the register. Ryan walks in, wearing plaid, and a Fleet Foxes shirt underneath, with skinny blue jeans and Toms shoes. He walks behind the counter as Charles and the other employee look at him)


RYAN: I give up. I surrender.


(Charles walks over and pats him on the back)


CHARLES: We all have to grow up some time.


FEMALE EMPLOYEE: Don’t you live with your mom, Charles?


CHARLES: No, it’s my girlfriend’s mom. Dana.


(Dana rolls her eyes)


RYAN: I’m not getting rid of my straightened hair, though. I draw the line there.


(A customer walks up to Ryan at the register, while Dana walks over to get some half & half from the fridge)




(Ryan looks at the customer)

RYAN: What do you want?




RYAN: Hurry.


CHARLES: You’re still the same Ryan we’ve known for…less than two weeks.


(Charles pats Ryan on the back and walks over to continue brewing coffee. Cut to Ethan lying in bed naked, next to Councilwoman Cusick. Cusick turns over to face Ethan)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Why’d we do this?


(Ethan turns over to Cusick and strokes her cheek)


ETHAN: I don’t know, Jenny. I just saw something in you that seemed so…empowered.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: …A lot of men I know would characterize it as “cunty”.


ETHAN: Not me. It’s refreshing.


(Cusick squints)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Am I the first assertive woman you’ve ever met?


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: No. But I like how you do it.


(Cusick strokes Ethan’s face)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: You’ve had a bad year.


ETHAN: …My father died. My girlfriend and I broke up. It has been a rough year.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Well…I’m glad you’ve finally decided to look out for yourself. It’s gonna make everything a lot easier.


(She smiles. Ethan smiles back. Ethan’s cell phone goes off, and he rolls over to answer it)


ETHAN: Hello?


(Cut to Mayor Satch sitting behind his desk on the phone)


MAYOR SATCH: Ethan, I’m prepared to support a cut in property taxes if you stay with the party. And I mean party. I have a pizza party planned for all of us. It should be great, anyway, Edelman and Graves are on board, and so am I. What do you say?


(Cut to Ethan. He looks over at Cusick and then clears his throat)


ETHAN: I appreciate the offer, Mr. Mayor, but I’ve decided to switch to the Republican Party.


MAYOR SATCH: (On the phone) Wait. What?! But I did what you wanted!


ETHAN: Well, sir. Something came up.


MAYOR SATCH: What came up!? I’ll scare it away, you just say where the heck it is!!!


ETHAN: Goodbye, Mr. Mayor.


(Ethan hangs up, turns over and starts making out with Cusick. Cut to Mayor Satch, he throws the phone at the wall, and stands up)


MAYOR SATCH: Why does nobody like me?!?!?


(Mayor Satch falls head first onto the couch in his office, as Conan watches)


CONAN: …Rat bastard…


(Conan walks out of the office. Cut to Trey sitting in a booth at a gay club, with his gay friends surrounding him)


TREY: And then I kicked his ass out of the bar, and said, “I would kick the shit out of you, but I don’t want to accidentally kill you!”


(They all laugh. The man right next to Trey tip toes his fingers up to Trey’s chest)


MAN: Wow, you must be even stronger than you look!


(The man starts stroking Trey’s cheek, but Trey moves his hand away)


TREY: What are you doing, Jon?


JON: I’m making you comfortable…


TREY: Jon, I’m not gay, I know you guys are, but I’m-


JON: Come on, Trey, you dress like this, and you hang out with gay guys, and you star as a gay guy on a TV show, but you’re straight?


GAY MAN 2: Let loose!


(The other gay man starts rubbing his shoulder, but Trey pushes his hand away)


TREY: I have to go.


(The gay man looks to the left)


GAY MAN 2: Should we-?


TREY: No, I’ll just go under. (Trey heads under the table and crawls down there) Oh my God, you all have huge erections!

(Trey crawls out from under the table and runs away from the disappointed gay people. Cut to Colleen on the sound stage for her beauty school show. The set is a beauty parlor. Another actor, Timothee Chalamet, is sitting in a salon chair, with a barber’s gown on. Stage-hands are applying make-up to Colleen’s face)


STAGE HAND: You look beautiful, honey.


COLLEEN: Thank you.


STAGE HAND 2: You know what else is filming here today, right?


STAGE HAND: What is it?


STAGE HAND 2: That new Bravo show, what is it? Queers in the Streetlight, or something?


COLLEEN: Headlights.


STAGE HAND: That’s right! Good job, honey!


COLLEEN: I don’t need, a reward- just, enough, I’m good.


(They nod and stop applying make-up. Cut to the director, a middle-aged man with curly hair and glasses, sitting in his chair)


DIRECTOR: Alright, are you ready, Colleen?


(The camera pans around Colleen, as she smiles)


COLLEEN: I’m ready.


DIRECTOR: Very good, sweetheart. (The director holds up a cup of gummy bears) Assistants, I never want to see the bottom of this cup of vodka gummy bears, got it? (He puts it down) Alright, Timothee, are you ready?


TIMOTHEE: Yes, sir.


DIRECTOR: Okay, action.


(Cut to Trey on the set of Queers In The Headlights. The set is a gay bar, and there are a bunch of flamboyantly dressed extras hanging around while Trey sits at the bar with his usual flamboyant get-up on. He is holding a martini glass. He takes a sip of it, and spits it out)


TREY: What the hell is this?!


(Cut to the set designer, a younger woman)


SET DESIGNER: It’s not alcohol, it’s water.


TREY: That’s disgusting, can’t we get real booze on the set?


SET DESIGNER: They tried that once. It’s what made Season 6 of MAD MEN so weird. Just deal with it, okay?


(Trey shakes his head, as the producer comes in)


PRODUCER: Marissa, we have to shut down production for the day.


MARISSA: What?! What the hell are you talking about, David?


DAVID: TBS just fired the director for sexual harassment.


MARISSA: Jesus Christ, why can’t the DP do it?


DAVID: Because he also got fired for sexual harassment.


(Marissa shakes her head)


MARISSA: How the hell are we supposed to get this on the air by January? We have Thanksgiving tomorrow, and then Christmas, it eats up all our time!


TREY: Well. I’m gettin’ the hell out of here. I’d tell you guys to go fuck yourselves, but I don’t want it to be misconstrued as sexual harassment.


(Trey walks off stage, and out of the room, as the cast and crew look at each other with confusion. Cut to Trey walking down the studio’s hallway. He walks past a door that reads “DUMPSTER/BACK ALLEY SET”. He squints and walks into the dark room. He turns on the lights, and the lights come on in the room gradually, one by one, and a set of a back alley with a dumpster in it is indeed revealed. Colleen is sitting on top of the dumpster)




TREY: Colleen? What are you-?


COLLEEN: Our director got fired for-


TREY: Sexual harassment?


COLLEEN: No, they found footage of him fucking a zebra.




COLLEEN: It was…he got fired on the spot.


TREY: Why were you in the dark?


COLLEEN: …Somehow, I knew you’d come in here. (Colleen jumps off the dumpster, as Trey walks closer to her) You know, we lost our virginity in a place like this.


TREY: I know it, babe. It was hot. (Trey strokes her cheek) Your ba-donk-a-donk glistened in the sun that day.


COLLEEN: Yeah. I remember.


TREY: You had just escaped from your dad’s grasp.


COLLEEN: As he physically tried to keep me from you.


(Trey nods, as Colleen rests her head on Trey’s chest)


TREY: I miss you.


COLLEEN: Me too.


TREY: I’m sorry I kissed all those guys.


COLLEEN: I’m sorry I had sex with all that guy.


TREY: Shh.


(Trey kisses Colleen’s head. Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Madeline, Jacob, Renee, Lynn and Paul sitting around the table at Lynn’s house. There is a large Thanksgiving meal before them, and everyone except Ryan is eating)


PAUL: Hmm, I fucking love mashed potatoes.


LYNN: Paul, please don’t curse.


PAUL: That’s how I express my passion, MOM!


ETHAN: Paul, don’t get worked up again. Not over this.


LYNN: If your father was still here, he’d give you a piece of his mind.


PAUL: What? He’d spank me? A 58-year old man?


ETHAN: Don’t talk about dad like that, it upsets her.


LYNN: This table isn’t complete without him.


PAUL: (To Jacob) Glad I didn’t bring my lady along to this.


(Jacob nods)


ETHAN: Mom, I know you miss him. We all do. We’ve had a rough year, obviously. But things are looking up!


RYAN: How so, dad? Looks like an endless maw of despair to me, but I’d love to hear your opinion.


ETHAN: Well…I kind of met someone.


RENEE: Oh, that’s great, Mr. Donahue, who is it?


ETHAN: I can’t say right now, because I work with her. But she’s great. Very inspiring, strong woman.


MADELINE: Cool, those are good qualities to look for in a woman. Those are qualities that I have, I think. I hope.


LYNN: How old are you now, Madeline? Eighteen?


(Madeline smiles)

MADELINE: I’m twenty-four, Grandma.


LYNN: Oh, my. Time flew by.


ETHAN: How old do you think I am, mom?


LYNN: …Sixty?


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: I turned fifty-two a few weeks ago, mom. You sent me a card and everything.


LYNN: Leonard used to keep track of these things for me.


JACOB: Well, I agree with dad that things are looking up.


ETHAN: Is it because Michael Flynn is cooperating in the Mueller investigation?


JACOB: Not only that, but-


ETHAN: I thought maybe that turkey Trump pardoned was Flynn dressed up, but I guess not!


JACOB: Sorry, can you not right now? I’m trying to have a nice moment. Also, everyone’s already made that joke. (Jacob holds up Renee’s hand) I have a beautiful wife, a beautiful child of two years and six months, and my brother is finally starting to dress like a normal person.


(Ryan smirks)


ETHAN: Oh, yeah, you’re starting to look less like a f- (Ryan’s eyes widen, and Ethan clears his throat) sorry, I briefly regressed back to 2012.


MADELINE: It wasn’t okay then, either, dad.


ETHAN: Sorry.


RYAN: You guys watch it before I change my mind. And I’m still emo! I’m just, toning it down.


ETHAN: Yeah, and I’m still a Democrat. I’m just toning it down.


RYAN: No, you’ve got it backwards, a Democrat is just a Republican toned down.


LYNN: Took a lot of balls to betray your party like that. (Ethan looks at Lynn) What? It did.


ETHAN: Well. I don’t regret it. In fact, I’m thankful for it.


(Ethan reaches for a bottle of wine and begins to pour some for himself, and as a portion of “Trouble In Mind” by Nina Simone plays, we zoom out of the room, and through the window, ending on a bird’s eye shot of Lynn’s house while it snows outside. Fade to black)



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