Ashes & Ashtrays

Reads: 486  | Likes: 1  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 1

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Everyone has attended a funeral, everyone knows that odd relative couple that breeze in and breeze out without saying a word. Then we have the hero of the day, that special relative that seems to
have done it all and been there....

Submitted: November 29, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 29, 2017



That gleeming white shirt, we all have one, that special white shirt that we keep for occasion's such as weddings and funerals (its not a wedding) i'm getting it out for!
I bought the shirt years ago because it smartens my dress sense up a bit and its better than arriving at a funeral in (for example) a tee shirt or a shirt that looks like its made of flock wallpaper (remember flock wallpaper?) and all my neck ties look like i bought them all in the 1970's (i had a kipper neck tie thing going on) back then, the wider the neck tie the more i felt fashionable.
The shirts a bit creased and could do with a quick iron but i'll wear a jacket so only the collor and cuffs will be seen, it'll do!

So here i am, sitting inside the small village church waiting for (who knows) to turn up and sit next to me, im already prepared for the (oh' i havent seen you in years) crowd and that is possibly because (they couldn't be bothered keeping in touch) because some of them have moved around a lot but (and here's the reason why they have suddenly appeared)...
When there's a distant-relitive that has passed away (these family strangers) appear from everywhere (especially when there's a free buffet and drinks) after the funeral.
And i'm not going to mention that they left a 'Will' (because thats probably the reason) why some bother to turn up at all! (If they are mentioned in the 'Will' the solicitor will get in touch).
The major irritation i have with these 'rare family relative get togthers' is there is always (one or two people) seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to smell like a perfume factory!
There at a funeral (why the hell have they put perfume on)?
Although (as i observed) it does give them plenty of room for seating, i mean' who wants to sit inhaling strong perfume when the vicar is recalling the happier times of the deceased! 

So the funeral is over and we are all slowly congregating over to the village hall for the recepetion, the buffet and food stuffs are on the table on the left hand side, the right table has all the alcohol and glasses on it, as normal most of the guests (distant relatives) make a stright line to the right hand side table.
I walk over and fill my glass and i turn around to make a quick speach (before the buffet dissapears) but i'm to late (everyone has crowded in and started (or nearly finished) and the empty plates are making there way back over to whats left of the buffet, surely people didn't just come to a funeral just to fill there faces with the buffet food! (not sure on that one).
And why is it, after some people have had (a fair few glasses of wine) they start talking pleasantries about the late departed (the deacesed), as far as i recall (they couldn't be bothered keeping in touch with them when they were alive) so that is a bunch of hoocky!!

There's those (very odd) relatives at these funeral gatherings too, (you'll know the type of relatives i'm talking about), every family seems to have the (odd couple), this couple seem to shy away from any form of conversation, they move around the room like there trying to be secret agents, they cast a shadow everywhere but nowhere.
They will avoid eye contact as though there life depended on it, they breeze in and breeze out like the wind, never saying anything beyond a brief smile and woosh, they have mysteriously vanished. (i'll see them again when another family relative passes on) thats for sure.

There is the one family relative that seems to fantisize about something or other and paints themselves as the hero of the day, they have been there, done that and so on....
They didn't join the army, airforce,navy or (submarine squadron)! 
They lost two fingers 35 years ago when they fell over drunk whilst trying to climb over a fence (that had a 12 foot drop the otherside)! 
(Hero of the day)!! Indeed!

* All family relatives in this short story are fictional*
{Thanks For Reading}

© Copyright 2020 Left On The Shelf. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments: