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Anna's Mind

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


A glimpse inside Anna's mind.

Submitted: December 05, 2017

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Submitted: December 05, 2017

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She closed her eyes and sighed heavily, the red glow of the iridescent sunset penetrating her eyelids, the sea was calm and the seagulls could be heard overhead; to her it had always sounded like they were saying her name, over and over again… “Anna, Anna, Anna”. She inhaled deeply, taking in the salty sea air, mingled with the stench of seaweed and her own salty tears rolled down her cheeks, dropping onto and becoming absorbed by the dry sand.

 

The thoughts swirled like a hurricane in her mind, the words harsh and derogatory, making her feel worthless, a failure. The storm in her mind would not cease, and she was in a dark place with nowhere to turn, unfulfilled, unhappy and listless. She opened her eyes and cast them to the sea, thinking of the relief of everything being over, how simple it would be to walk into the water, and just keep on walking. She closed her eyes and imagined breathing in the salty sea water, how it would feel for her lungs to fill with water and not air, how it would feel to take her last breath, and float into oblivion. But what if that didn’t stop the thoughts, what if the oblivion took her to an even darker place?

 

Looking down at her iPhone she scrolled through pictures of her children, a girl and a boy, gorgeous children, she should feel lucky to have the opportunity of motherhood, and instead she was here on this beach, feeling worthless and fantasising about taking her own life.

 

Then came the guilt, the sickening in the pit of her stomach as she thought of her friend who would love to have a child of her own, who had gone through two painful, emotionally and physically draining rounds of IVF in the hopes of becoming a mother, only for the strain and pressure to ultimately prove too much for her relationship and was now divorced… yet Sam carried on, Sam smiled every day, Sam was successful in her career, yet Anna with two beautiful, healthy children, and an amazing partner, for some reason was not.

 

Her phone lit up and buzzed, an image of her partner John appeared on the screen as she screened yet another of his calls. She knew he would be worried about her, but she hadn’t decided yet, and she knew he would convince her everything was going to be ok, he always did… and it would be ok for a little while until her mind started playing tricks on her again, the paranoia making her delusional and making her feel like everyone was against her. Her brain second guessing everything she did, thought and said, becoming her very own devils advocate. Always worrying, believing she could have done better, said something more intelligent or caring, feeling like nothing was ever good enough. Then came ‘the list’ this was where she was now, remembering every failure, missed opportunity, time she had felt like this, all rolling into a crescendo of overwhelming misery that sent her spiralling into a dark place of despair and hopelessness, and turning her into a person she hated being.

 

She had so much to live for, so why did she feel so low?

 

Her iPhone lit up again and buzzed in the sand, it was dark now and the stars twinkled overhead, the tide was slowly lapping in, she saw her sons Apple ID and Snapchat filter photo on her phone screen. Slowly reaching for her phone she swiped to answer:

“Hello Dylan”

 

“Hi Mum, are you almost home? I need some juice from the shop, could you get some?”

 

“Yeah, no problem Son, I’ll be home in ten minutes”

 

“Thanks Mum, see you soon”

 

Anna took another deep breath, she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her grey hoody, wrapped her scarf around her neck, stood up and headed back towards her car. Another failed attempt at sorting her head out. She would just have to keep popping the pills until next time. Proverbial mask back on she headed back into the world, a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


© Copyright 2018 EJS. All rights reserved.

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