The Dark Pit

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic


What depression has felt like to me

Submitted: December 09, 2017

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Submitted: December 09, 2017

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Dark.  Cold.  Damp.  Yet somehow despite all this very comfortable.  After spending so  much time in this deep pit one can't help but become accustomed to it.  Sure at first it feels like hell, all you want to do is escape the hole you have become trapped in.  Panic sets in as you try desperately to ascend the walls, clawing and digging for a foothold.  Despite all your attempts you just keep falling back down onto the hard ground below.  Every time you do it feels as if the walls are closing in, trapping you more.  Despair sets in as all hope begins to fade.  The fear of being alone forever in this dreary pit becomes overwhelming. You scream but there is no one around to hear you.  You look around, desperately trying to find anything to help.  After awhile you eventually come to the slow realization of the situation and just start to accept it.  There's nowhere to go and no way out. 

As time passes the hole begins to feel like home, like you belong there. There's nothing you can do but try to make the most of it.  Worrying at this point does nothing.  Sure you feel a sinking sensation in your chest but it begins to feel natural.  The cold pit causes a numbness to fall upon you, making the hard rigid ground more bearable.  Soon nothing fazes you  anymore, acceptance has finally sunk in.  All pain and emotion you had, gone without a trace.  You feel like a shell of your former self and yet you are okay with that.  No longer any recollection of how you ended up here.  No longer any motivation to get out.

You lay down and close your eyes as complacency sets in.  Suddenly though a warmth begins to flow over your body.  It feels refreshing in a way,  a change of pace from the cold you have grown so used to which makes you feel uneasy.  You became so used to the cold that anything different is almost terrifying.  You open your eyes to see what could be causing this sensation that you gave up on ever feeling again.  You're briefly blinded as you realize the warmth is coming from a light up above.  One single ray of light shining down into your cold, dark pit.  Just where did this light come from and how is it able to fill you with warmth and hope.  You try to find a way out of the pit now that there's a light making it so you can see more clearly than you could before.  Sadly however, as you look around you don't see anything that could change your current situation.  You try climbing again and make it further than before but the end result is still the same.  With another painful fall to the hard ground below the light begins to slowly fade. 

Despair sets in again as the warmth begins to fade.  You had given up hope and yet the light filled you with a happiness that you had not felt in a long time.  You kept wishing for it to come back, cursing it even for leaving.  Your life was a hell and that light provided you a brief moment of peace.  Why did it have to leave so suddenly?  Why couldn't the light stay and keep you warm, to make the pit more bearable.  The sensation of coldness fills you once again.  You don't even try to fight it this time.  You just accept the despair and let it overtake you.  The warmth was nice even though it didn't last long.  It reminded you of the humanity you lost in the pit, but you have no more use for something like that.  Not when you're alone in the darkness unable to escape.  Just being reminded of that warmth was enough. 

You begin to wonder about things outside of the pit.  About others and how their lives might be going.  The thought of certain people roaming around in that light brings a smile to your face that you thought had left long ago.  However the thought of others enjoying that light filled you with an anger that made your pit seem deeper.  Even if you did hate them for being happy you never wish this upon anyone though.  No one deserves to go through the despair or ever feel this cold.  Then you begin to wonder if there may be others trapped in pits much like yours.  You feel bad for anyone going though the same torment as you.  You wonder if anyone realizes you're not around.  Would anyone hear you shout out this time?  Nah, you have become so used to being alone down here and doubt that will ever change.

The light would still show up from time to time.  Reminding you of the warmth and humanity you had, now long gone.  At first you would still curse it every time it faded.  Now you just cherish the light for however long it may last, making the most of that time to drink it in before it eventually leaves as it always does.  You look forward to the next time the light appears but you're still comfortable in the pit without it.  The light is a beautiful thing but not meant for you and you accept this.  Let's face it, you would be uncomfortable without the cold sensation that you have grown so used to. In the darkness of the pit you can't see how much you have withered away, how much color has faded from you.  What started out as hell has become home.  Misery, fear and rage have all faded away as you are now content to just lay on the ground and wait for whenever the light may return.  Thanks to the cold you have become numb to the hard ground and it feels like a field of grass.  Sometimes you hate being alone but there's no stress from having to worry about someone.  You don't even know what you would do if you ever made it out of the pit anyway.  Which begs the ultimate question; what do you do when the light reveals a rope that wasn't there before? 


© Copyright 2018 Jason Tegah. All rights reserved.

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