Lover's Killer

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: EKG


Truth or Dare is what started it all. You decide what happens next.

Table of Contents

Sleepover


Four girls coincidentally meeting at the exact same school and had a sleepover. One that would change their lives.
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Recent Comments

gαry

O_o

Wed, December 13th, 2017 11:46pm

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0-0 to you gary

Wed, December 13th, 2017 3:52pm

ShadaStorm120

Tada! I am FINALLY here, hahahaha. I managed to find a time to read and comment on this story at last, so, let’s get started. I hope you are ready for this, but just remember that everything I say is my personal opinion, so what I say, you can just take it or leave it. I’m not worried. I’m just here to offer my advice, which you can choose to listen to or not. I’m just here to help :D So yeah.
Firstly, this story confuses me a little, if I am to be honest here. For one thing, I have no idea where these characters are, and for another, what’s this paragraph at the start that has nothing to do with what follows. I’m assuming it’s, like, something that hasn’t actually happened yet, or something in the past, I’m not too sure, but if it is either of those things, then making that clearer would definitely be recommended.
Then, after that first paragraph, we are suddenly with these characters, Amy, Brooklyn, Zoe and so Evelyn, I think, where you suddenly go on to describe them. Okay, so I like that they all come from different places. That is cool and could possibly impact on what they say and do, but if I were to offer some advice here, I’d say that maybe this isn’t the best way to introduce and describe characters. When it comes to storytelling, there is one key rule that is always recommended, but I admit, it’s not always had to abide by. That rule is ‘Show, not Tell’. The reason I recommend this is because it helps us, as the reader, envision the story, rather than be told everything that is happening and what characters look like and what they are doing. Basically, you have to avoid telling the reader what is happening as much as possible. For example, when you are describing your characters, ‘She had golden-brown hair’. Firstly, your descriptions are good, but they could be worded better so you are showing your readers what they look like, rather than telling them. I suggest one of my tactics, of describing a character while they are doing an action. I know there are other ways, but this is pretty simple in describing what a character looks like. I prefer it this way, because describing with action is still moving the story forward, rather than stopping the story in order to describe each and every character you have, from hair to their jewellery.
Maybe I’ll just give you an example of what I mean, take note, I’m a high fantasy writer, haha, so I’m going to be pulling some fantasy sounding descriptions rather than normal ones, quite often. ‘Her mossy green eyes were focused on the famous tree that grew to conceal her for billions of years.’ This one is an action in a way, because the character is looking at something, while I am describing her eye colour. ‘. She tucked her silver strands behind her pointed ears, the brown tint of her hair barely visible in the low light.’ This one is me describing her hair and ears, while she is moving it. So you could do this one, only with your character twirling her hair. It all depends on the character and what actions they are likely to do. Also, with this description, you don’t get many human like creatures with pointed ears, so it is showing you, she is likely an elf or something, rather than just telling you she is one. It’s like, indirectly saying it, which makes the reader think, yet still clear enough what you/I mean. I hope you are following what I’m trying to say, haha. But yeah, this is what I think of that. Doing it this way also changes things up instead of saying ‘Brooklyn has dark hair, Amy has golden-brown hair.’ The descriptions should be interesting and real. These people, these characters need to feel real in order for the reader to get into the story.
I have one other thing I wanted to comment on. Well, more than one thing really, haha. Okay, so you went to all the trouble of finding matching gemstones to match the birthdates of each character. Why? Does it have any significance to the story or the plot? Or do you just like that kind of stuff? I know I do, but I still don’t really see the relevance it has here in this story. Maybe it does have a purpose, but later on, but either way, as it stands, it just sounds irrelevant, knowing when each character was born.
Also, it seems you’re moving this story too fast. First, random guy outside at night. Mysterious and cool, but random and out of place. Then, suddenly there is a sleepover and after reading the summary, it seems like we missed the REAL beginning. How’d these two coincidently meet? I’m not too sure. They obviously would meet if they go to the same school, but why coincidence? Then, all characters are suddenly at the party and playing games. It seems like you are jumping from one place to the other without properly walking us through each scene. And then, onto this dialogue. Dialogue can be good or bad depending on how it’s done. A long string of it like what you have done, makes it confusing to follow who is speaking to who, especially when there are multiple characters like you have. The last thing is when Evelyn went to get smores and comes back claiming that there was a figure in the shadows. In my personal opinion, I would have liked to have followed Evelyn out into the kitchen, where she saw this figure. I think that would have made the story more suspenseful and exciting, but we don’t see any real action or suspense apart from the last two sentences of this story. I think Brooklyn going and not coming back was a good move. I liked that and it makes me wonder what will happen next.
One last thing. I feel this chapter is really short, hahaha. I mean, I write short chapters all the time, but sometimes, a chapter needs to be longer. This chapter of yours could be lengthened in every way, which makes me believe it needs to be longer. The chapter feels incomplete, and could be longer, like when you suddenly switch scenes and move from one thing to the next.
Well, I think I am done here, haha. Sorry about the long comment, but yeah. I actually do like this story. I think it has the potential to be really good. The plot, from what I can gather, can become something very interesting and intriguing, it just needs a little work. Anyway, thank you for listening to me. Just remember what I said, what you do is all up to you. I’m not here to change your story, just give you alternate perspectives. This is your story after all :D

Fri, February 23rd, 2018 8:10pm

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I agree with you completely...your comment was long but thank you so much for taking the time to read and write this. I’ll make sure to take your points down so my other stories will improve. Thank you!

Sat, February 24th, 2018 6:37pm

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