Can't love him

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


The ongoing story of me and the one I fell in love with. Love that can't be fulfilled and all the awkward silences and all the things we all are capable of to get our crush's attention. A real love
story about two real high school students. The story is still happening in real life, so wish me luck...


Chapter One

Dear Diary, 

I have to tell someone about this. I just can’t keep it in anymore. Sooo there is this guy... let’s call him Chris. Chris is the one guy I want to hate the most but I just can’t. I’m not capable to unlike him, for godsh sakes I can’t even bring myself to unfollow him on Instagram!!! What a disgrace I am. Let me tell you about our rocky history: It started out the first day of school. I was really excited as all freshman are, you know when we have a hint of hope that high school’s gonna be any better then primary...well no worries for people like me who don’t like change. High school still sucks. Anyways as I was saying the first day of high school was the day I first saw him. We were on the same year just not classmates. My sister did kinda knew him, because he was a known drug dealer... yeah I know I have a good aim when it comes to guys I like. Well he was what he was. He liked to smoke substances I’m just not gonna name I don’t want to get into anymore trouble because of him. I tried it (what he was selling) a few times but I never liked it, I’m a control freak and anything that makes me loose control freaks me out. But the first day I saw him with his dealership in mind I just got a strong urge to smoke some. I gotta tell you that our first meeting was rather awkward and not really satisfying on my end. I was late the first day of school and it was raining. I came in soaking wet with a huge wet stain on my ass, where I was sitting on the pavement. I needed a break I was running ok? Yeah so I came into the room with all the people already there, dry and on top of their game to give a proper first impression. Well not me. I hurled into the class my face covered with mascara and foundation dripping off my chin. I mean I could cross love at first sight off the list, when Chris first saw me he definitely did not fall in love. He was starring a lot though. All I remember besides my legendary entrance is him and the way we looked at each other. We had chemistry at the first sight or I just looked like trash more than usual. He has bright blue eyes, blond curls as hair and a cute smile that always cheered me up. He is tall and muscular, not the body builder but more like Leo in Titanic. I mean the way I describe this guy and the way I actually compare him to the man himself(!!!) already tells a lot about me and him. I’d like to say that I got the courage and talked to him the first day but no, there was just a long distance mutual admiration. The same day I stalked him on all of his social media discovering that he started following me on all of mine. I looked at his pictures and just wanted to talk to him so bad. About anything, really! So I texted him: 

Me: Hey I heard you are going to the Tab a lot (that’s an awkward club for awkward people at my school as I discovered shortly after) Me and my friends are planning on going (total lie never even considered it. Back than I was more socially awkward than Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club) Is the place ok? 

Him: Heyy you! (who? me? aww)Yeah We go there a lot it's cool you should definitely come (really?? I mean sure. If I'm available. My schedule is kind of busy.)

Me: Okay :) (okay? that's a brilliant conversation starter really...)

Him: awsm!!!seeya there;)

Well yeah our first official chat. Huh back than when there was sooo many things waiting to be destroyed. I may sound dramatic but believe me I'm not over-exaggerating. So the next day after school, we spoke. I just told him that my sister kinda knows him and that's really cool and all. He agreed. I mean we instantly had something in common, isn't that just beautiful? Well I just realised that I can't fully explain this whole situation without bringing my best friend/frenemy/soulmate sometimes the most hated person in there world into the picture: Fleur.

Chapter Two:

Fleur has known me since Primary school. We were friends but never really close. Our friendship group was put together from 6 girls (one of them would be me) who just so clearly hated each other but wanted to stay up in the social hierarchy. That would be us. I hated Primary. I just didn't find myself back than and I happened to roll with the wrong crowd. They were the Queens of this land with Fleur being one of them. I liked to hang with them they were fun but not the quality humour fun. The let's shout some nonsense and jump around like a bunch of crazy assholes ones. I'm sure everyone knows the type of people I'm talking about. The people who run around in the mall pushing each other in a shopping cart shouting offensive shit at people. I know. I used to be friends with those people. There were times when it was fun but I guess my soul was already to old for them with me liking 80's and 90's rock MJ, Bob Marley and David Bowie. And I liked funny jokes too btw. They were not too big on those. Anyways that's where I knew Fleur from. The other 4 girls from our "gang" did not make it to our high school so me and Fleur were the only ones who stayed in the same school. I liked Fleur the most out of all the other girls to be honest she was chill and I admired that. I was always uptight and as I mentioned before, a control freak. So anyways me and Chris were talking about him and his relations to my sister and obviously Fleur was there too being the only one I knew besides Chris. I could instantly see that Fleur liked Chris. Everyone liked Chris and it was so obvious too, I always hated that. So while I was worried the first second that Fleur would try and steal my man the next second I felt the glory and the victory. Chris completely ignored Fleur. He completely ignored everyone when we were talking. He also looked me in the eyes so deep that it seemed like he wanted to stare into my soul. We clicked instantly with Chris. He wrote me the next day: 

Him: Hey you!(Me again? is this our thing now? do we have a thing now?) Do you want to hang out after school sometime? You could bring some of your friends too if you want to:) I have some stuff we could smoke;)

Me: Yeah sure sounds fun!!! I'll bring Fleur and Lala(other classmate) meet @the gate? 

Him: Yeeeeeeea awsm. Is it ok if I bring O? (other girl from his class we only call her O she has a difficult name to pronounce) 

Me: of course:)

And we met after school with the intention of going to smoke at a shisha bar but instead we stopped at the back of a play ground(classic) and smoked some of Chris's shit. We spoke a lot. The only thing I really remember is that he only payed attention to me. Every single girl with us had a huge crush on him and all of them tried to get close to him but he was only listening to me well I'm a really talkative girl so I might also have not let the others talk but that's fine I could feel that they all felt awkward around him. For me if I like a guy a strange defence mechanism kicks in and suddenly I act like "friend girl" who's totttalllayyy fun and cool. that's what I did with Chris and there I knew that he liked me. And I'm not saying it because I Wanted it to be so. It was just so obvious, that he was trying to pick me up.There he also told us about his current relationship. Yeah did I forget to mention? At that time he was in a 1 year relationship with his ex girlfriends best friend. The ex girlfriend travelled to the US to help her father with his cancer and meanwhile Chris screwed her best friend at home. And y do I have a crush on this person you might ask? yeah I wish I could stop this whole crushing thing. I wish I could've stopped at the beginning but we can't choose who we like, have a crush on, hate or even love. After our hang-out, Fleur told me that she called Chris while being drunk a few days later and just told him about some of her problems. I was jealous. Really jealous. But my master plan/strategy was the unavailable mysterious strategy. It consisted of me not telling anybody about my crush and even saying that I hate the guy. If that's not over-doing then I don't know what is. So basically I was and asshole with Chris the whole time because I saw that he liked me and I knew that I had feelings for him which I was not yet ready to face so I covered it up. Flour and Chris becoming friends sure as hell did't help though. I was mad jealous. I can remember asking everyday: Hey Fleur have you talked to Chris today? I wanted to know everything about him and Fleur was more than happy to talk to me about their relationship. It felt more like she was just enjoying that she could rub it in my face. Well it got rubbed in real bad. And I'm a teenager I already have a damaged skin.


Submitted: December 18, 2017

© Copyright 2021 e.t. All rights reserved.

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