Terrified

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic


just some thoughts that bounce around my head that i needed to get out.

Submitted: December 24, 2017

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Submitted: December 24, 2017

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I don’t know how to say this

I really like you

I know you know

Honestly that’s what’s killing me

I think you feel the same

It’s just hard

I’m still not confident enough

I don’t really believe anyone could like me

I’m a fuck up

I don’t see the point in giving myself the chance

I feel like I’ll just hurt you like I do everyone else

Let you down

I don’t know what your expectations of me are

I’m honestly a fucked up person

I don’t really know what else to say

It’s just hard to remind myself constantly that everything is okay

That nothing has changed

I don’t even know if I believe that

I just feel like I’m going to mess it up

I’m trying to enjoy the moments we are together but fuck

I just keep thinking about what’s bound to happen

You’re going to go off to school and forget about the burn out you left behind

Maybe I should just accept it

Start the coping process now

Get it over with

But fuck you’re amazing

Absolutely stunning

I know you don’t believe me and it kills me

I wish I could go back in time and stopped the people who fucked you up

Give you the life you deserve

One with less bulshit in it

One where I’m out of the equation

How did this even happen

I no shit sat in class for the first three weeks just thinking of you

Thinking of how it would never work

I actually gave up on myself before I even knew you

When you introduced yourself it made my day

I thought that maybe, just maybe there was a chance

Then I heard you really didn’t want a boyfriend and you had suppressed your emotions

That was hard to hear

I thought it was over before it started

I just fear the day you wake up and realize who I am

When you realize I’m not worth it

It’s petrifying

It’s just constantly going through my head

Just constant self doubt

There really isn’t a remedy for it

It’s just permanently there  

One of the many voices just telling me to quit

End it now before I fuck it up

Before I ruin something else

Before I fuck myself up

It won’t shut up and let me enjoy the moment

Just live in the happiness

 

I’m living in constant doubt

Constant doubt of myself

Of my life

Of my worth

I can’t really do shit about it

I’m just stuck

No matter what you say

No matter what anyone says it’s not going to change

I’m perpetually stuck in the shadow of the voices in my head

 

Am I insane?

Has did this happened?

I know I say it often but that’s just how I feel

Now however I can’t shake the feeling that it’s true

Like I am legitimately mentally unstable

Let’s just add that to the list of things that make me fucked up

It’s possible I guess

I’d rather not accept this as reality

Maybe this is all a dream

I just need to wake up

Wake up in a happy little home

A perfect family

Maybe we all live two lives

We only know of one but there is another out there

It’s just hiding

You have to uncover what makes you happy

What furthers your joy

 


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