Should Have Known

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic


Love sucks sometimes, but hey, heart break happens. Sometimes it even becomes an inspiration for a writing. So here's my reflection of my first crushing heart break.

Submitted: December 26, 2017

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Submitted: December 26, 2017

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It comes at night. The sweet whistling of your voice twirling around in my head as if you were still here. The all too vivid flashbacks of the cliche blissful love story that was ours:

Meeting you.

His hair is very well put together, holy. GEEZ he walks with such confidence.

"Hey, I'm Ben. You're quite beautiful, what's your name?"

That smile and that voice, kill me now.

 

When you surprised me with flowers on our first date.

No freaking way. NO WAY.

"A beautiful girl always deserves flowers."

I always said I'd marry the first man to bring me flowers...and here he is. Here YOU are.

 

The first time we kissed.

He's gonna kiss me. I can feel it. AHHH.

"I'm going to kiss you now, so don't hit me."

So that's the "spark" that everyone talks about.??

 

Dancing in your living room to your favorite song.

What in the world is he doing?

"Join me for a dance?"

I could get used to this.

 

It was in that moment that I knew. I was in love with you and I never wanted to let you go. I wanted it to be you and me against the world. I wanted to tell you right then and there, but I couldn't even fathom letting the L word creep its beautiful way out of my mouth.

You gave me that butterfly feeling. I was putty in your hands. Your touch made me melt. I told my parents about you - I never told them about anyone before. I wanted to bring you home to them. To meet my crazy, idiotic, twisted, sarcastic, and lovable family. So, I waited for "the right time" to tell you.

I shouldn't have.

Jordan's birthday; the day everything changed. The day I was going to tell you how much I loved you. That I loved you more than Hot Cheetos, Dr. Pepper, donuts, movies, and dogs; more than anything in the world. That I decided I'd postpone serving a mission, because I wanted to see where we went. I was giving up my biggest dream. All for you.

You had other plans.

When you picked me up that night, right from the get go, things were very different. Instead of a kiss and hug like usual, you kissed me on the forehead, grabbed my hand, and walked me to your car.

I should have known.

As you opened the door for me, I could tell you were shaking and it wasn't from the cold air. You were fighting it so hard. Trying to hide it - you knew I'd notice. You dropped your keys into the snow on the ice cold ground. You were so nervous. You were never nervous.

I should have known.

That car drive to dinner was far more quiet and monotone than usual. The silence actually felt awkward. I could tell something was on your mind.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Ben."

"I'm. Fine."

There was a hint of sadness and frustration with a stupendous amount of nerves lacing those words.

I should have known.

You were awfully quiet during dinner. You didn't eat much of anything, at all. You always put away the food as if it were nothing. Almost like you had a hollow leg. You would even ask for a bit of my food. You'd always apologize because you knew how important food was to me. I never felt as if an apology was necessary. Not from you, anyway.

I should have known.

We went to Jo's to make Terry's birthday cake. When we got there, Jo gave me flowers and said that they were from you. Her face seemed heavier than usual that night. Both of you told me to not read the card as I reached for it. I did as both of you wished and didn't read it.

I should have known.

Driving home you didn't say a single word, nor did you make a single sound. The silence was deafening and I was horrified by it. My palms were getting sweaty and my heart was racing. I'm sure you could hear my heart beat. Every drive you were talkative, so full of questions and wonders about the world. You'd ramble - it was one of the things I loved most about you. You always turned down your music to make sure we could hear each other clearly. But this drive was different. The music was up, your torso wasn't pointing in my direction anymore, your hand wasn't holding mine. Your hand was placed very firmly, white-knuckled like, on the steering wheel. Something was eating you alive, but you wouldn't talk.

I should have known.

Turning the car off, you let out the deepest sigh. It almost sounded as if it hurt every part of you. Heart racing, palms soaking wet, losing feeling in every inch of my body; I knew what was coming. And to think I was going to tell you that I loved you that night.

You had other plans.

 

"Tyree, I need to tell you something."

He's leaving me.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I've been praying about it for a few weeks now...I need to find someone to date long term. That isn't you..."

Whoop, there it is.

"You're going on a mission..."

If only you knew. Stop talking, so I can tell you.

"I refuse to come between a young woman and her serving a mission. With that being said, it's not fair to you for us to keep dating. When I need to date other people. I don't want to put that on you. So, this is it and I'm sorry."

But I love you.

I couldn't conjure up the strength to say anything, let alone say the L word. You didn't even look me in the eye. Do you realize how entirely screwed up and demeaning that is? I wish you would have just looked at me.

I sat there in complete and utter silence with you, unable to breathe, speak, or move. Part of me died in your car that night.

I dropped the flowers on the floor of your car. I didn't want them. I didn't want to be reminded that you didn't feel the same. To be reminded of that conversation. Of the spear that just went straight through my heart. Instead, I just sat there staring out the windshield watching the kid that lived on the floor below me walk by.

Minutes passed and I'm sure you tried to get me to say something, but all I could hear was the ringing in my ears. I managed to reach for the door handle and swing the door open.? I didn't stop until I reached the door to my dorm. I felt your hand on my shoulder as I opened the door. I'm sure you said something, but I could only hear the ringing in my ears.

Ben, you really need to let go. I can't let you see the mess that's about to boil over. I'm fighting back the water before it spills over. 

I opened the door and threw my shoulder forward in order to make you let go. I popped myself into the elevator, punched the stop button, slid down the inner wall, curled into a ball, and just sobbed.

I should have known.

--------

A week had gone by and my roommates convinced me to tell you. For the worst that could happen is just knowing you didn't feel the same. It's better to do, rather than to wonder, "what if?"

"Ben, you're more than welcome to hang up on me. But I need to just say what I was going to say last week. I'm sorry for not saying it sooner, but here's the truth. Ben, I'm in love with you. I kept waiting for the right time to tell you and I know I shouldn't have. I should have just came right out and said it. I'm sorry."

"Tyree, I'm so sorry. But I never felt anything for you."

And that was that. The ending to our cliche blissful love story.

I should have known.

 

?t.c.

 


© Copyright 2018 Tyree Cyclone. All rights reserved.

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