A friend under my skin

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic


Everything starts and ends in mind.


I have a friend her name is ANXIETY, she is silent. She tells me she will be with me till the very end. She is always near and appears quiet sincere. She makes me feel weak, dumb, and not good enough to be around people. Lesser like I don't deserve to be happy and lively. She always speaks about the things I fear, affirming if I fail the consequences would be dreadful. That's when everything spins and the torment begins. She completely paralysis me.

She wakes me at 3 am and pushes me into an imaginary world full of fear. Her hobby is to make me suffer. My peace is ripped away and replaced with chaos. My confidence is erased, my breathe is out of pace. She reminds me that no one cares that my mind and body are beyond repair. I'm always driven by her ferocity. She pleads for my attention.

There is no easy way that I can abscond, because she grows under my skin. I cry uncontrollably, scared of people. She makes me feel so self-conscious that I assume everyone are laughing at me even though that's not the reality. Suddenly a small thing is a very big thing and it keeps growing in my head. My life saver is benzodiazepines. Sometimes going numb is the only option left for me to choose.

I think too much, i think ahead, I think behind and it's not like I quiz and choose not to have her as my friend, it's not just simple worrying. Within a fraction of second she triggers my mind with million thoughts passing like a flash of lightning in the sky.

Every time I get through this pretty much no one knows because it's all happening in my head. She is terrible, I could be having an attack, feeling so stressed and no one would even know because it's an inward thing. I get twists in my stomach and I can't take a full breath. But on outside I can literally just sit there and look normal. People call me lazy when in reality I'm just overwhelmed with her presence in my mind.

Sometimes I avoid eye contact not because I'm not listening to what you're saying but I'm listening to the sound of her voice in my mind. My palms starts sweating and I forget to speak beyond my words. She tries to push me and constantly whisper in my ears "kill yourself." I'm constantly in Battle with her.

People don't realize how often I lie on my bed crying and shaking or on the terrace sitting behind the tank with fag in my hand thinking that can calm her down. I know with all my heart I'm being ridiculed by her.

I don't want to unveil my weakness to anyone because I don't want them to judge me, they'll say I'm whining or being dramatic. It's just easier to hide it. All they see is someone who craves for attention and indulges in self-pity.

Even though She tries to get under my skin She will never win because I'm strong.

The strongest girls are the girls with anxiety. I am strong because I show up even when I'm shaking. The idea of being around people is too much for me to handle. Most of the time I do what I want to do and get my shit done. Ofcourse I get distracted through out the day. I force myself to be productive.

Some days I listen to everything her voice tells me but other days I find the power to ignore her. I find strength to socialize, to smile and to be normal. I refuse her to control my life . I am motivated to be the best I can.

Some people scarcely venture outside of their comfort zone - but I'm outside of my comfort zone every damn day. I'm either worried about what to say, what to wear or how to be normal. I'm never relaxed. I'm always on edge. But there are times when I find courage to speak my mind . When I amaze myself with how brave I can be. I'm always growing every second of everyday.

I'M ALWAYS STRUGGLING AND I'M ALWAYS WINNING.


Submitted: December 28, 2017

© Copyright 2021 unknown0. All rights reserved.

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Comments

hullabaloo22

A well-thought-out write about that constant struggle.

Fri, December 29th, 2017 7:29pm

Muneeb Sohail

Nice thought. Keep it up.

Sat, December 30th, 2017 8:59am

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