Loneliness

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic


mixed feelings by a schizophrenic person


Being lonely is sad indeed.

It is a weird and terrifying, feeling a heavy burden on top of your lungs, constantly hearing voices whispering in your head or sometimes not hearing a single sound, a total defying  silence that is even scarier than the voices. Missing things that never happened more than those that did actually happen. feeling so small. wondering what are you doing in your life and how you got here. Being with people is painful, yet you crave interaction. However you end up feeling lonelier than ever, or maybe it's just me, I meet the people I love and we have fun only to go back home feeling as sad and lonely as ever.

My days are exactly the same.  The faster time goes by, the bigger the hole in my chest gets. the numbness is spreading all over me, body and soul. I start regretting decisions I know were rights and decisions I knew were wrong but thought I learned my lesson and moved on. But suddenly, time just turns against me, not healing my wounds but making it even worse. Bringing bitter feelings to surface and pushing me to doubt my existence again and again.

Why don't you care? Sometimes I find myself asking this question. Have you become this dead inside? Has it all became so insignificant to you? when did this nonchalant attitude get stuck with you? is it really you? You used to laugh a lot more, you used to love laughing. Girl you would laugh till you can't breathe, till your lungs hurt, till your throat turns soar. Now you just keep crying, the only difference is that on some night your tears seem to float more easily, they just wash down your face like a never ending river , while on some other nights, you find it so hard to cry that your eyes hurt.

Loneliness plays a major role, I get that. You were always surrounded by the people you love and mostly importantly those who loved you, who loved your smile and enjoyed your company. However the calculating minds surrounding you in the present make it hard to go through even a simple day, how about a rough one. So I have adapted this attitude, the 'I don't care, not interested, go away' attitude. But letting go of things, of people also makes you numb. The people that once filled your entire time, you were either staring at them, thinking about them, or imaging a world full of their presence, then slowly, with a lot of pain and tears, you feel them slipping through your fingers, you try to hold on so tight but feel their grip loosen, you let go of them. And you are now numb. Feelings turn into something strange. when you are visited by one , you feel a fire inside, like an old engine being put back to work, you are rusty but you remember the joy of a sudden heart beat sending the blood rushing to all of your body, the thrill of a stolen stare, the voices that turn to whispers when your eyes lock. the magical feathery touch that sends you beyond the moon and into the stars. So let me correct that, letting go of people after they have let you go makes you numb and suddenly you realize you have developed an immunity towards people. You have set up a STAY AWAY sign without even noticing. So how do I get back to life?

 I used to stop. Stop everything around me. Stop my mind from wandering in the dark forest stop my heart from beating for the real world and then jump into the deepest sea I could find. I would dream, about the future, family, love, friends, success, fairies and demons. I would wonder and wonder and would discover things at the bottom of the sea I never knew existed. I would feel things, things that do not come for this world. I miss the words I used to tell myself: "Stop and take my hand. Tonight I'm taking you on an adventure. We shall imagine".

My imagination grew old and rusty. My biggest fear is slowly becoming alive and I'm slowly slipping through the dark apse of the 'real' world. I want to go back.

 


Submitted: December 30, 2017

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