Stop, Don't Fall

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


Hey you, Yes you, the one reading this. Stop, Don't fall in love... it's a trap...

Submitted: December 31, 2017

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Submitted: December 31, 2017

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‘’Stop, Don’t Fall in Love Again’’

 

Just when I enrolled myself into higher education at an institute where there were competent people all around, possessing really fascinating goals and aims for their lives; I decided not to do three things;

  • I will never trust anyone
  • I will never loose myself again

And most importantly,

  • I will not fall in Love, ever again.

Oh yes, I just wrote again, because I had been in love for more than seven years and I know how exactly it feels to have your face punched with a massive stone every day and realise it doesn’t hurt as much as the person you love hurts you with his actions and words.

People never hurt us, neither do the feelings; it’s just that presence of a particular person in whom we confine our trust the most, for whom we insert endless, tireless efforts, for whom we spend our lives wondering how one day they and you will make a perfect life ‘together’, and that’s where we’re basically screwed because ‘we do not always get loved by the person we love the most in our lives.’

It all began in high school but it never ended there. We took it to an absolutely next level, yet, we couldn’t be together. He fell in love with me, less than I was fallen in love with him. It never worked out because of the differences; differences in age, differences in thoughts, contrasts in point of views, contradictions in opinions, frequent arguments, endless break ups, précised ‘sorrys and I love yous’; it just could not work out between us.

Hence, I decided not to fall in love again ever.

As if we plan to fall for someone, Oh, I wish we could… I wish we could just unlove someone, as fast as we fall for them… I wish I could reverse the time and my feelings… I wish for so many things that will ultimately always remain unfulfilled because I wish what is impossible… I just wish!

When the high school ended and I quit medical, I could have taken a gap year or may be two years, particularly to re-discover who I was before I had fallen in love with Adrian, because that’s where I lost myself. I lost myself in Adrian, seven years ago, when we met in high school and he was just a junior to me, who befriended me, made me feel alive and the happiest person on the planet. He just could not commit and that’s when we officially decided to part ways.

That, undoubtedly was the time when I felt the most dejected and depressed, over losing someone who was never mine… who did not even accept me for who I was, instead, wanted me to be someone I am not, and someone I can’t become.

I did not quit. I’m not a quitter and that’s the only positive thing left about me now. I just did not continue medical, and instead I got myself enrolled for professional neurology, not even thinking about it once or twice.

I hated everything after high school. Workplace, home, parks, malls and just recently, I started hating my college, for no apparent reason. I was depressed and I did not feel well most of the times so it was hard to wake up and pretend a life that is as normal as I make it look like, but is not actually normal or happy, at all.

I was glad to have Mary besides me. She was the only good thing about going to college every day. We’ve been together since primary school and with her, it feels as good as it feels being all curled up in a quilt under the fairy lights on a warm December night. In a nutshell, she was my only reason to be in college, even when I didn’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere in my life.

Mainstream, but college was a different yet a burdensome place to be from 8AM till 4 in the evening.

And then he happened.

The one person who came into my life like the first cloud that appears in the vivid blue sky when it hasn’t rained for months; someone who passed by me like a wind whose warmth affects the soul and not just the body; someone who did not even know or will ever know that I even exist, but most of all, someone who made me believe in the miracles.

I have always hated to stand underneath a shade when it’s raining, but that day, somehow I stood with a plenty of others who sheltered themselves from the heavy, not-so-cold showers of rain. Campus looked natural and the floors appeared to be flooded with the rainfall. When I did not expect the rain to stop anytime soon, I decided to rush towards the parking lot where I had parked my car and decided to leave the classes I had that day. While I walked in the rain, I could not really see any familiar face around and then suddenly, one ‘most familiar’ face appeared from apparently nowhere.

It was a guy and he looked exactly like Adrian. For a second or so, I actually thought he’s Adrian but then I remembered that he wasn’t in town. When he passed by me, my heart skipped beats… like everything from my past came in flashes… the day I met Adrian for the first time in school.. the day when we started talking for the first time and it was raining… our last conversation in which we decided to move on… the days when I waited for him to talk to me… all those years in which I kept wondering about ‘us’ and about ‘our’ future together… it was an extremely emotional condition because there’s nothing as strong as my past that can possibly make my soul shiver and stop my heart.

My eyes filled with tears; tears which never plunge out of my eyes, rolling down my cheeks till the chin. Tears which desperately wanted to tumble clumsily from my eyes because I missed what I had… I missed what I wanted to have with Adrian and I missed everything about him that day.

After that day, I didn’t get to see that person again. Or maybe I did see him around, but obviously that’s a part of moving on; ‘you don’t allow a thing twice to hurt you as it did the first time’. So, I just got through with the monotonous routine rather than thinking about anything or anyone else but my studies.

The fall was on fire, and so was the dry wind that howled about the broken souls and the shattered hearts around the campus. After being in the neurology major for two months, I had finally began to feel good about my presence in that institute and there are a of reasons to prove that, among which is one highlighted one; I really was surrounded by a good company and may be that was all I ever needed from a totally new, unfamiliar place.

I had left everything behind when I made my mind to never sob over my past ever again and obviously, I had moved on and that was not less than any attainment or victory.

And then, this mid-November’s horrendous afternoon happened.

I was sitting beside Mary and the campus walls seem to fade as the dark clouds began to appear in the sky. We were particularly talking about the good times. Mary could not stop talking about how she felt loved for the first time ever in her life and I could not stop weeping my heart out, regretting and missing everything I wanted to, but could never have with Adrian. I barely had any good memories from the past, so that I could relate to Mary’s events and be happy about them but then suddenly, I got totally distracted when the same guy, who resembles Adrian, stood still, right in front of us.

I stared at him like you see the 14th-day’s full moon. I gazed until I remembered one of Adrian’s outfit, which too resembled exactly like the one which this guy wore that day. Right at that moment, there was a crash of a thunder in the sky, and inside my heart. I literally squealed my heart out and even Mary didn’t know what to do so as to handle the situation but I cried until I felt so weak to even carry myself and my eyes dried till extremes.

And then there was this ‘me’. The crazy, lunatic, distracted; the messed up ‘me’… You know the ones who do not learn from their mistakes? The ones who fall right after they’ve hardly recovered from the last fall they had? The ones who stick up to the things that’ll never happen and those who hate themselves more and more with each rising day.

Yes, the absolutely, foolish me!

I started to look for him now. Each morning, I had something to look forward to when I thought about knowing him. Every day, I changed destinations repeatedly just to expect him on my way. I stalked him and I talked about him all the time. My friends were almost depressed to see me treading on the heels of something that was menacing to my emotional condition.

Marcus, his name! He’s tall and possesses infinite conspicuous attractive features. You know, if you observe him quite keenly, you’ll find a living, physical manifestation of Adrian in him, minus the exaggeration. That one art piece in an art gallery that people spend a little longer admiring, yes he’s the one.

Same hair, same complexion. Everything exactly cloned but the height and eyes.

Eyes… hmmm… I guess I don’t particularly have words to describe his eyes. I won’t say that his eyes are any different from others but I guess the colours of his eyes are. Blue, like the sea, dense like an ocean. Chestnut when the sun rise, hazel when the sun sets. Green when you stare at them, grey when you look away. The pair of those eyes which you look into and find yourself lost in them. The eyes which glow like the first ray of the sun’s shine, casting off stardust like a diamond casts fire and the ones which smoulder like embers of a fire in a desert night, the ones which glance upwards and reflect the heavens above.

He has this presence, which surrounds you like the smell of the wet sand after the rain; the presence that diminishes the presence of everything and everyone else around him… The presence that feels like a shadow in the type of sunshine which burns the souls…

I don’t know if I’m overstating things, but all I know is that for a whole Goddamn year in my college, I could not think about or look at anything else but Marcus. I knew his friends now, his timetable, the places where he mostly was found hanging around, the people he surrounded himself with, the girls he talked to… almost everything, except that why was I so much into him?

You know, when you fall in love for the first time, you don’t have any idea that what on earth is happening to you… it’s just happening. But you do know when you’re going to screw your life once again when you again admit to ‘fall in love with someone new’.

May be I made a mistake again.

Or maybe I was still in the process of falling in love with him, but I guess I did or maybe not.

Things escalated quickly. The feelings, all my emotions, and most specifically, overthinking. Instead of dwelling in the past and reminding myself about all the heartbreaks, I began to think about ‘hope’, and for the first time in my life I hoped for good. I hankered about giving all the love inside me to Marcus. I lived with this indestructible thought of never destructing myself again. But I guess I was planning to hurt myself more than I ever did in my life of 18 years.

I was obsessed with the thought of talking to him for at least once, and on the same time, I feared too much. I have always been this confident person and I had never acted this childish in a long time, but there was something about him which forced me to stay away from him until one day I got caught. Got caught for staring at him endlessly, got caught for having pure feelings for him. I just got caught as if I was doing something illegal. But maybe, what I was doing was even more wrong than something that’s illegal.

There was this mutual friend of me and Marcus, who, I thought can help me to escape this prison of my self-created hell. But she did otherwise. Or I guess she didn’t even do anything, maybe that’s when I knew she was never a ‘friend’.

 I never wanted to impose myself over anyone’s personal life, neither did I ever want to be with him or date him. I didn’t even want to confess and I did not want anything from him, except for a conversation that could have set me free from this place of detention, from this fantasy world where I saw Adrian in Marcus every time we used to exchange eye contacts.

But I guess I asked for too much and then this conversation actually happened.

‘’What is wrong with you? I’ve been hearing it from a long time that you are the one who wants to talk to me? What is the Goddamn matter, talk to me about it? You could have just come and talked yourself, why are you bothering my friends and asking them to tell you things about me… why are you occupying them to let you know that either I’m with someone or not?’’

Maybe when he was done yelling at me, I was crying my heart out, but for some reason my tears did not crawl down through my cheeks. Somehow everything wrecked and everything inside me broke apart, yet I stood still with a broken heart.

Oh guess, who still thinks he’s a nice guy.

I knew it from the start, I knew there was a feeling that came along with Marcus in my life, the type of a feeling that came with a precaution saying ‘STOP, don’t fall’. But I guess, I lost my balance, and am still losing it whenever he passes by me, with those stares, those condemnatory stares which always break my heart, the stares which add in to my nervousness and make me feel weaker and weaker every day.

Or maybe I still wonder that why did I even decide that I had moved on, when Adrian is the only thing which I see, when I stare at Marcus. Why does those broad exquisite shoulders of Marcus always remind me of how bad I wanted Adrian to hold me with his arms wide open and cover me in them, or why do I follow his timetable, just to look at him to remind myself of Adrian’s face.

It all comes in waves when it’s over you know… flashes and flares of the good and the bad memories… but I think I do have a really unfair and unequal ratio of both. I barely do remember the times when my heart didn’t feel like it was drowning, and I scarcely remember my genuine smiles.

Besides just resembling Adrian, Marcus himself is something. And that’s where my life is so screwed… that’s where I know I’ll spend all these years in hell because the devil is always up to pulling you towards someone who looks like an angel when he smiles… someone who’s presence corresponds to the light caused by the brightest constellations… someone who walks and you feel like the wind suddenly has stopped blowing and the time has refused to move on… someone who’s laughter is like staring at a red rose emerging from its bud… someone who is like the fairy-tales’ Prince, who has landed from the heaven through a unicorn… someone exceptionally, irresistibly beautiful and is a nature’s wonder.

Someone’s who’s not mine, someone who’ll never be… someone who has captured my heart and apprehended my soul… Someone who looks like the person I once loved, someone who isn’t the person I love… Someone who’ll stay quiet and someone whose silence will kill me every day, every night, until he’s gone.

Gone for good…


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