Thoughts About My Decision to Be a Single Mom

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

We were pool players with benefits. Straight cues, a bed of felt and more balls. F**k romance and marriage. But now I was pregnant!

Submitted: January 03, 2018

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Submitted: January 03, 2018



I decided to be a single mother in my 30s. I lived for myself, not others. This story is written after the kids are grown, and I am at peace. It wasn't always that way, but age is a teacher. It just is.

Amber's father and I met playing pool in December of 1989. He was a handsome cowboy.. He was frisky and his friends called him, Whiskey! He was rowdy and fun. He was different. I liked rebels. Well one thing led to another and in a few short weekends, low and behold, I was pregnant!

I was shocked. (Yes, I know how babies get got!) But I had tried in my past with 3 previous deep lovers, who wanted to have kids with me and had no luck. I had even been in touch with a fertility clinic in Tucson, earlier in 1989.

So that was why I felt my children were gifts from God. Was God angry? Consequences of free will.

The decision to have a child with someone you don't really know all that well, is sobering. We had been essentially - pool players, with benefits. We played pool and enjoyed good sex. That was rare for me. I am allergic to most peoples fluids. Sex and nearly dying happened. I am allergic to latex, spermicide, and most birth control pills. We were 31 and throwing caution to the wind! Old enough to know better. I had given up having kids the normal way, in a meaningful relationship or marriage. We were acquaintances, new friends. Not really in a relationship. Had I not gotten pregnant, we would have parted. We were that different.

But pregnant we were. We faced with many decisions. Though I was pretty enough, I was not Albert's kind of woman. I dated all kinds of people. Albert didn't. He loved western styled women. I could dress country, but I was a city girl.

Learning about each other, was really hard work, even with all of our years. And to make matters more stressful, Al and I were both Gemini. I was a city slicker and spoiled. Al was small town country. He had been on his own since he was 14. I had been on my own like 3 years. I always had roommates. I was a college graduate and school teacher. Al was skilled with hand tools - a Jack of all trades: an auto mechanic, a miner, a plumber, a handyman and later he became a Truck driver.

His temper, his love for strong drink & beautiful women, had been part of his undoing. His legal woes all evolved fighting and women. Dating newly separated women, is ify. Al had fought a jealous husband who called Al's Mom some ugly words, in his anger for stealing his woman! Al was a scrapper, a passionate fighter and cunning. Albert and that man left 5 pints of blood in a bar and Al scored a $25,000 warrant for deadly force! Legal issues and love.. Skeletons!

Both of us had been married and divorced. He already had 2 beautiful children he was responsible for. Now he faced having another child with a woman, he didn't really want to be with. I was a worldly woman, I was tall and noticed often. Pretty, like many of the women Al had dated, but Al was a jealous man.

I will take ownership for my half of my life. I lived a selfish life. I did. That is what other counselors told me later down the road. I lived a "Me" lifestyle. So did Albert. But I never seemly learned. And my choices made sure my children, Amber and later, her sister - Amanda were born into a relationship filled with lessons to be learned.

Albert and I lasted about 4 years - before our differences tore us a-part. We both deserved to live in more peace. Our children needed to grow up with both their parents, alive.

I am thankful to their father. His strength and fire is a-part of both girls. Albert bore 4 beautiful children, that I know of. And raised a grandchild after her own mother died.

Albert and I couldn't negotiate any kind of lasting peace, so we parted.

My choice had many consequences. Some I knew (child support), I would encounter (Don't bring those kind of people around my kids!) and still others, I would learn about. During our limited time together, I had helped Albert pay down his legal bills and previous child support arrears, (from nearly $44,000 to less than $2,000). So that experience taught me that any help would be on Albert's terms. Not mine. And not the courts. Albert dodged support orders all the time. I learned.

Albert had held 36 jobs in 4 years, I had 1. Stability is based on who is looking for you. A rebel's Closets are made for skeletons.

Rebels and Free spirits roam far from home. Trust is nurtured. We are both Gemini! We are equally stubborn and passionate people. We are story makers and story tellers. ????Defiant???? is our middle name.

We are, what we were and still are - Awesome people, on this spiritual plane to experience life and living, on our own terms, as much as possible.

Every choice I have made in my life has had consequences. Every last one. My parenting choice for a separated peace - meant my kids never really got to know their father, as the loving man he could be. They were forced to witness, experience and referee, our mutual anger and fears, way too often. Such is the life of some single parents. We had gone to counseling during our limited relationship. Alcohol and Jealousy destabilizes even most strong relationships, we only just met. We were pool players trying to be parents. We had a lot of differences. Our 2nd child was created in love, during a road trip in the big rig, but the strain of 2 kids made life even more stressful. After a particularly stressful time period, I had elected to leave our home, my home! No more counseling. I was done.

Love is about self preservation and doing what is right for both people to have the best outcome, not the easiest outcome. Just one where we both live on for our children. Albert loves all of his children. He does. I know that, now.

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