The Sporadic Thoughts of a Moment

Reads: 66  | Likes: 2  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


This "Short Story" consists of the incoherent sporadic thoughts of myself. It includes some cuss words and an unfiltered thought prosses. Nothing in this writing is as bad as it seems it is only as
my mind sees it at the moment I thought it.

Submitted: January 07, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 07, 2018

A A A

A A A


Have you ever just felt like there is nothing in the world to keep you from being bored? I have, I can’t say a really enjoy it. It’s one of those moments where you can keep doing and doing… and doing but you never feel like you’ve accomplished anything. It’s one of those moments where unless you are given the task to complete it will never be enough.

I’m in one of those right now actually, hoping that writing down all of my incoherent thoughts might give me something to do other than what I could actually be doing. That is I should be working on getting more scholarships for college (seems kind of pointless tbh) just staring at my keyboard actually helps me to think I think. Whenever I look up at the screen of my computer as I write this I lose my train of thought and focus on every single mistake I’ve typed so far. I want to go back and correct things and I get lost.

I’ve edited a novel for a friend of mine before, I enjoyed it, she never wanted to finish the novel though, which saddens me. The really sad thing is I can’t even keep typing everything that is actually going on in my mind because I’ve been trained oh so well to control and correct my grammar and what not. Ha! How do y’all think I’m doing so far, Kinda sucks doesn’t it. Oh well… I put myself down often, That’s how it gets but I don’t feel like doing anything else right now.

I could be writing an essay for why disable people should have positions held for them at businesses, or write a business plan (I want to start my own business one day [I can explain that later] so I consider it an opportunity and practice) I could be reviewing a project I have for a couple of my classes but I don’t feel like studying, I could be cleaning and organizing but my back hurts from when I slipped down the stairs (OH HEY I love this song “Queen of France-Nightcore) I enjoy to nightcore. Oh yeah, there's that subject change again.

I have ADD or Attention Deficit Disorder. I never gave it much mind (lol-puns) [i don’t care if its gotten or not:’-’< Okay! That means I can’t focus well on things I’m not interested in. I also get hyperfocused on things I find interesting but I never really stay interested in anything for too long. Like a little over a year at most, and not everyone with ADD is indecisive but I am, sometimes. I used to deny the very existence of ADD but then one day I broke down and cried a little when I had seven different arguments with myself at the same time and began to question myself.

Can it be possible to like yourself and hate you at the same time? I think it is. Perhaps I can publish this and turn it into a story “I think that’s a  [You suck this sucks who would actually waste their time to read this all the way through] good cool great idea {shut up}” I don’t know, I think I will. (who will waste their time to read this piece of crap-idk I don’t care”

UGH

“Help!”I scream inside my head, but I can’t help it “no-one cares” I cry in silence. I have people who care about me, I have plans for the future “That may not come true” but committing suicide is a sin… I don’t want to risk not getting into heaven if it even exists “can’t I just be killed by a strike of lightning?” I hate this “HELP!”. No, don’t ask for it… it too annoying- I don’t know how to talk about it “people don’t care” “I’m okay-You’re okay” “You’ll live” I’m making myself a little sad right now but I’m okay I swear. Should I go on with this? The typing I mean, I think it’s kind of pointless. Even if I did get feedback I doubt there would be anything anyone could say to cheer me up or change my state of mind. Just to think… I know other people have it worse, there is hunger and thrust and torture and murder and pain and suffering but nothing I do will ever be good enough and there is nothing I can really do to change their circumstances.

I’m shaking and shrinking I don’t think I’ll ever kill myself, I want to travel the world-I should think and hope that every place I see is beautiful and worthy of a painting I can remember and one day paint.

So plans for the future… start a business, travel the world, get rid of any and all debts I have or my parents and grandparents have, paint a picture of each country I visit around the world, be everything I love MOST sadly though I love everything “except myself/yourself” [Kill me please] Don’t kill me I need to live! Can I go now... No, keep writing...Okay.

I get all of these words I want to speak inside of my throat and I just want to speak them but they never come out and I just can’t get it to work for me. No one understands my thoughts because they are sporadic they jump from one thing to the next and … just saying it reminds me of so many times when it seemed out of nowhere I would say something so out of place.

And I’ve been silenced so many times I just don’t want to speak anymore. I take a look in the mirror and see myself but with these words I am typing, I don’t feel like it was the same.

When I was younger my mother would yell at me a lot, I made many mistakes like saying something out of place, or “getting an attitude [i never meant to have]” or crying too loud. SHe would send me to my room and make me look in the mirror. The mirror became my companion, one of which I would talk to and talk through because I just..couldn’t... Quite… say it to her, and when I spoke up when I DARE TRIED. It’s my fault because I wouldn’t talk to her even though I tried. “Every time I talk momma You DON’t Listen I’ve tried so many times and I just can’t get it across to you” I would cry and how she replied, as I said it!, “I DO LISTEN YOU THINK I DON’T CARE< DO YOU SEE YOUR FACE GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR SO YOU CAN SEE YOUR FACE HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT YOU LITTLE SMARTASS” In the words on the day of her graduation from college “Age 40” she said “Why do I even bother talking to you anymore. And I type this story of me as I try not … not to cry but the tears still spill and now I’m being called so I must leave this for another time….

Goodbye

 

I’m back… I’m okay again-I wiped clear the tears walked out with a clean face and no one noticed again my suffering. But that's okay how could they know when I cleared my face- they can never see my sorrow. I can never talk about this but it seems I can type it. I’ve shown it before but it wasn’t correct. I wrote a poem of disgust in “the tune of Paint It Black” but it was just a joke an experiment of sounds because I couldn’t really be depressed. We sat at home asked what they should do I said “nothing, what can be done Can I go now this is awkward, I’ll do the dishes, take out the trash, do the laundry anything but sitting here with you. Let me go rest, it’s been a long day”

I think I’m about done typing but then I go back to doing nothing that allows me to feel like I’ve accomplished something, can’t we just keep this conversation going, I’m bored.

I like to keep typing like this with nothing to say and no real reason. If you’ve read this far thank you for staying with me. Can I kill myself now? No I don’t think I will, It’s the same reason I wouldn’t/couldn’t cut-it would/could hurt and I don’t like that but I don’t mind pain when it happens by accident I can always remember mind over matter to keep it away.

 

Change of subject! Let’s make this a real story. “Okay we can try” screamed voice number one. Warning to our readers this may get very confusing as we are many voices acting as one inside a single mind of indecisive inconsistency.


 

And it killed. “What more can I say? I’m a dancing pro!”

“Are you kidding me Teva? That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen”

“I didn’t think she was that bad.”

“Thank YOU JOAN! You don’t have to lie though I know it wasn’t actually any good”

Hey! You! Yeah, the reader. I don’t think you are dumb but just so you know that was three people talking just now.

“I should be getting home now.”

“It’s only 5:30 pm”

“Yeah, but it’s winter so it gets dark at six and I am NOT risking that! See you later guys.”

“Later Teva”, they both replied.

As I headed home a noticed that many birds were squalling, A sure sign that a storm was coming. Anyway… I have a lot of papers to clean off my bed when I get home and I’m pooped. Playing Dance Dance Revolution with

 

I’m tired I won’t continue this. And I can’t share it with any of my friends so it won’t go on facebook hmm.. Good night I guess. Perhaps one day I may complete something truly amazing.

 


© Copyright 2018 TevaArchangel. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

More True Confessions Short Stories

Booksie 2018 Poetry Contest

Booksie Popular Content

Other Content by TevaArchangel

Quiet Mind

Book / True Confessions

The Sporadic Thoughts of a Moment

Short Story / True Confessions

Popular Tags