Short-term Pica and Anorexia Dabbling followed by metaphysical dribble

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Specific Nonsense LLC


A few short stories followed by questions and madness


How often do you feel nostalgic for the dark and strange times? I've been told some of my favorite memories are 'scary.' The following is mostly just strange; I find these stories to be feel-goody but they may make you somewhat uneasy. Here we go!

 

So when I was in Highschool I was a bit body conscious. I was thin but you know that little bit of fat below your belly-button that only goes away if you work quite hard? I really didn't like it.. I've never been properly "anorexic" besides once with a girl.. for fun.. cuz I didn't really know better. That comes later on.


 So I heard eating fiber helps you burn fat; I wasn't entirely sure what fiber was at the time. I worked out off and on but never really read about fitness so I thought... Okay; I'll eat paper. I liked
  printer paper because it didn't have ink so "MUST BE SAFER DURR." Some of it tasted very much like chemicals; I got to know what sort was flavorless. I can't fathom this going through my head... Ignorance + I DO NOT KNOW.


  So many days I would bring paper to school to snack on.. I put teriyaki in it and rolled it up, then I'd bite off little chunks and suck on it until the paper dissolved. This went on for a few
  months.. It wasn't a secret but I didn't tell anyone; I wore hoodies often and I kept a lot of things up my sleeve. (a habit picked up in Junior High; spit-wads were a sport. Everyone had empty
  pens and all sorts of random cylinders to spit wet paper through.. Maybe that's where I developed my taste for it!) One time a teacher asked me to empty my pockets.. I pulled the items out one at a
  time; there were a lot of things but I only remember the last thing I pulled out :) a can of coke. People randomly said "AND... A COKE" to me for a bit after. My sleeves were full of spitwad contraband <3 


  I think the TLC channel saves a lot of lives. Yeah; they parade sick people on their programs to make money off of them... but at the same time it raises awareness. I saw one about a woman eating mattress stuffing and had a read about beazors :S and had a massive laugh at myself. I may have been eating paper for years; but TLC saved me from that mess.


  Do most people do this to some degree? As a kid I used to swallow dental floss, then hold the end and pull it back up. One time I did a few feet of it and it slipped out of my fingers; it was waxed
  and after a few weeks of cramps and blood coming out.. the string finally started coming out.. Me in a bathroom with shit-covered string; pulling on it at first was so painful so I grabbed a
  scissors and cut it.. every time i went to the bathroom... I thought I was going to die, but didn't tell anyone. I was around 8 and didn't care if I died lol. (I had a few near-death experiences +
  was incredibly unhappy. Never suicidal but chasing death and accident-prone.) Anyway; don't try swallowing dental floss cuz it feels cool when you pull it up... I'm sure very few other people are
  that stupid. (no offense if you are; we're twins!)


  I suppose it isn't stupidity... It is foolish but sprung from ignorance. Much like pro-anorexia material.. A friend during my first year of University was susceptible to all of the childhood
  brainwashing hoax sensationalist nonsense that they use to scare kids (she became vegetarian because of the worst-case-scenario PETA videos online. I love animals but she lived in a farming area and somehow had never been to a farm? The farmers I knew treated their cows better than their kids; it was their livelihood.)


  Anyway; she sees pro-ana pro-mia videos and body-conscious me says "why not." I was so poor; my roommate was always stealing my food and I was pretty much living on popcorn and ramen anyway. It was a fun experience; I love psychology and I completely understand how devastating anorexia can be.. I am in no way trying to mock that; I maybe could have developed the disorder if I hadn't started studying fitness as a hobby. I also was a vegetarian with her for a couple weeks; meaning I would get super cheap cuts of red meat when she wasn't around and cook a baked potatoe, then eat them off a plate on the floor with wine and no silverwear. It's good for you to eat like an animal every now and again; let the juice drip down that face and forget your consciousness for a bit. Rawr


  Anyway; it felt like the strangest high. Once you start not eating it gets easier after a bit too; don't try anorexia for the high... It was just interesting, not really worthwhile. I would wear ankle and wrist weights to school; one day I was so weak I barely made it home. When I got home I'd lay on the floor with something heavy.. I can't remember what exactly, balanced on that fat spot below my belly. I was always thin; it wasn't body dysmorphia or anything.


  Neurosis; we all have it. Some more or less than others; the thought of how infinitely many people have lived on the earth, and how all of their headspaces were different boggles me. We're all just
  human but everyone has a host of people they CANNOT STAND. I wonder on average how many people we all fall for in life... Does consciousness have a shape? If reincarnation is real; are we the same when we start a new life? If we are reborn differently is that even us? It's too hard to tell what is real; are we capable of believing in everything at once, or is that just an optimistic form of
  nihilism?


  I don't know what to believe, but the fact that everyone sees God in their own way would technically mean there are as many Gods as people who believe. Nobody is ever right or wrong! Our minds all contain a universe; in the mind of a madman all is correct. That doesn't mean he shouldn't face the firing squad if he destroys anyone else's infinitely correct plane of existence. Belief somehow imbues the need to convert; sorry for ranting a new little bible. I am pretty sure you are better off thinking for yourself than putting too much sway into anything anyone says; unless it speaks to you. Take what you enjoy and leave the rest behind. Unless you enjoy being unhappy, there is no reason to carry a raincloud over your head. Please, for me, pursue what you love.
 


Submitted: January 19, 2018

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