Azazel's Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


A few days in the life of a demon


“Left on Baal St., that’s what he said, right?”

I’d been driving for a long time and didn't seem to be going anywhere. I was starting to get the feeling that I was completely lost. It had been a while since I’d left the city and I was now driving on a country road.  

The road took me into the forest and eventually up a hill. As I went further up I noticed that all the trees around me were dead. Also, the sky had turned completely black despite it being early afternoon at that point. The only light came from a blood red moon that shone brightly in the sky.

Eventually, I was able to spot a large gate and beyond that a huge black mansion. My car died and when I stepped out the gate opened. I made my way past it and onto a pathway made of a shiny dark rocks. On both sides I was flanked by dead trees on which sat red-eyed crows that silently looked down at me. At the end of the path stood a huge black door which opened as I approached it.

I stood out in front of the open door for a few minutes until a pair of green lights appeared from within the darkness of the home. The air around me grew cold and I could vaguely hear some creepy organ music playing somewhere in the distance. A putrid smell accompanied the figure that emerged from the shadows. It was Death. He was clad in a long, flowing, black robe that seemed to be made of some constantly moving shadowy substance. He floated a few inches above the ground and his posture was hunched. His arms were held out in front of him in an odd way, like a T-rex. Nothing, save his bony hands, was left unhidden by his robe. Even his face was totally obscured by the hood he wore. In fact I wasn't quite sure he had a face since I'd never actually seen it. I had occasionally seen two green lights that I assumed were his eyes but that was about it. A red-eyed crow like the ones I’d seen outside sat atop his shoulder.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

Death spoke in a very quiet voice that sounded like the wind blowing some dry leaves around. He didn't say anything after he greeted me, he just motioned slightly with his hand which made a floating, green ball of flames appear in front of him. Then he turned and walked further into his house. He stopped after a few seconds and just kinda stood (floated) there.

I didn't really know what to do. I didn't know if I should follow him or what. Eventually the crow on Death’s shoulder turned its head 360° degrees and cawed at me.

“Follow!”

Its voice was very deep and raspy which startled me for a second but I eventually did as I was told. So I entered Death’s house and followed after him as he went...somewhere. I couldn't really see anything save him and the green flame, so I had no idea where I was going.

Death eventually came to a stop in front of a white door. The doorknob was composed of a skeletal hand which grabbed hold of Death's hand when he reached out to open it.

Beyond it was what I can only assume was the dining room. Various skeletal hands jutted out of the walls and they held candles with green flames. In the middle was a long white table. It was engraved with various images of things such as: screaming children, rotting corpses and ghostly figures engulfed in flames. There were only two chairs by the table which were both composed of various bones. They both looked highly uncomfortable. Aside from the table there was no other furniture save a large, black grandfather clock standing up against the wall opposite the head of the table. From what I could tell the face of the clock was composed of a strange, constantly swirling ghostly substance ahe hands floated in mid air.

Death gave me a while to admire the scenery. Then he made his way towards one of the chairs and promptly sat down.

“Sit!” commanded the crow, noticing that I’d hesitated for a moment.

I thought the crow was a dick but I did what it said and sat in the chair opposite Death. Death had called me over in order to play chess but there was no board on the table. Maybe “called me over” isn't the right phrase though. It was more like he pestered me endlessly until I finally accepted. Death was an old friend of my dad’s and so I occasionally interacted with him. In one of those interactions I played a game of chess with him and beat him. He’d been wanting to rematch me ever since. Yet now that the rematch had actually come the board was nowhere to be seen. I decided to give Death a little bit of time before voicing my concerns and sure enough he came through. A chess board floated down from up above and landed atop the table. Then some flames erupted from the board and once they subsided the various pieces appeared.

It was all about as overly theatrical as I would have expected from Death. Even the chess pieces were ridiculous. They were all alive and in the shape of different creatures. The white king and queen were two snow white vampires with ice crowns on top of their heads. The knights rode atop skeletal horses, the rooks wore shiny white armour, the bishops dressed in white priest robes and the pawns were little vampire children.

Meanwhile my pieces (the black ones) had a king and queen with black, scaly skin and thorny crowns. The knights rode black mares with glowing red eyes, the rooks were two rock monsters, the bishops dressed in Pope style clothing (only in black instead of white), and the pawns were little black goblins. The level of detail was as amazing as it was unnecessary. Seriously, why the fuck would you need all this shit just to play chess?

It was all so overwhelmingly stupid that I almost didn't even want to play. But I was already there so I figured I might as well. So we did. We...you know...played chess...What? Do you want me to describe the game? No way you guys. It was just a game of chess at the end of the day. It had some weird shit to it but it was just chess.

Anyways, we played and eventually I won. Death sat silently assessing his loss for what felt like a long time. Afterwards, he stood up and without saying a word quickly left the room. Once he was gone the candles in the room all went out and I was left in complete darkness.

It took me a long, long time to make my way out of Death’s house. Stumbling about in complete darkness is not very effective after all. I did somehow leave that place eventually though only to find out that my car wouldn’t start. Thus, I was forced to walk all the way home.

I felt like shit when I woke up the next day. My head hurt and my feet were incredibly sore. I reached under my pillow and turned off the alarm on my phone. The mattress I was sleeping on was old and fucked up. It rested on a dirty, carpeted floor in the middle of a small room. The wallpaper was all peeling off and there were cobwebs everywhere.

One of my roommates was sound asleep in the closet. He wouldn't get up for at least another ten hours. The other one never slept. He was in the corner of the room peering down at me.

“Fred, I thought told you to stop doing that.”

“But I like watching you sleep.”

“Yeah, but it creeps me out.” Who wouldn't be scared by a giant spider constantly staring at them? “Shouldn't you be at work?”

“No, my shift doesn't start until nine today.”

I groggily got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. I could feel all of Fred's eyes on me as I did. While I was taking a piss I noticed a green monstrosity in the bathtub.

“Man, why did you turn on the light? I was having such a nice dream bro.”

“What the fuck are you even doing here?”

“Count said I could stay.”

“Goddammit, the bathtub always smells like shit after you sleep there. You know how hard it is to get rid of that smell?”

“Hey, we swamp demons are very sensitive about our smell man.”

“Fuck you and you're sensitivity. I want you gone by the time I come back.”

“Okay, whatever, whatever, if you're done please turn the light off, I'm very tired.”

“Yeah, I bet.” Doing nothing must be so exhausting. I purposefully left the light on when I left the bathroom. Then I changed into my uniform and hurried outside.

My job was a fifteen minute walk away. I had plenty of time to spare so I walked at a leisurely pace. It was mid-summer and there seemed to be an odd energy in the neighborhood. That was of course due to Rogl, the warlock who sat under a streetlamp shooting up on heroin and chanting out spells. But even ignoring that, it seemed like there was a lot of activity that morning.

The sidewalk was old and cracked, in fact many places were nothing but dirt. There was graffiti pretty much everywhere. One particular telephone post had, “It was the frog! The frog did it!”, written on it. Both sides of the street were lined with old apartment buildings. They were all the same depressing color of grey. Across the street a werewolf lurked atop a tree. It was drooling as it looked down on some gremlins who were in the process of dismantling some guy's bike.

Not far from them, standing by the open door of an apartment was a troll. He was dressed in nothing but a dirty white t-shirt. He and another troll with curlers in her hair were yelling at each other.  

As I kept walking towards the corner, a ghoul with a syringe in its hand passed by me. It was talking to itself while looking straight down at its feet. It's shoulder brushed up against mine but it didn't even seem to notice. It was in a world of its own.

Standing at the corner was a scantily clad Wendigo. She was talking to a someone who was sitting inside an old black car. A hand reached out from the driver’s side window holding some money. The Wendigo shook her head and started to turn away. The hand grabbed on to her shoulder. The Wendigo pulled a small pistol from her purse and the car drove away. I avoided eye contact as I passed by her.

I took a left at the corner and after a while I was in a moderately better part of town. There was less graffiti everywhere and the stores looked fairly nice. Sure, I passed by a convenience store that had a couple drunks passed out in front of it but overall it was easy to tell that I'd left the shitiness of my neighborhood behind.

Before reaching my workplace I had to pass by the Church of Cthulhu which was usually an annoying experience. There always seemed to be some type of service going on inside that place. The church was a big glowing green thing made of some material like the skin of an octopus with two twisting spires. The building appeared to be alive as well since it would constantly writhing around. Out in front of the church was a tentacled faced guy in a black suit who would always hand me flyers and lecture me about the, “glory of our lord Cthulhu”.

I reached my destination early like I always did. Before going into the McSatan’s I stood in front of the sliding doors and stared up at the sky. Inside, I could hear a customer saying he wanted a cheeseburger without cheese or meat on it.

I sighed. My life had been very different a month before. I flew around in gold plated private jets, I arrived in the most expensive cars. My watch was coated in diamonds, my clothes made of the finest materials in the known universe. My room was many times larger than most people's houses. Hell, my closet was a lot bigger than most people’s homes. It was a great life.

You can't live off your parents forever though or at least that's what my dad thought. Personally, I totally disagree. What the fuck is the point of having rich parents if you can't live an eternal life of wealth and laziness? I'm still young anyways, I'm barely 754 years old. Unfortunately, my dad didn't see things the way I did. He told me I had to strike out on my own, that it was time for me to be independent.

Actually, no, that's not quite what happened. He actually cursed me out and then violently kicked me out of the house. Later, when I tried to sneak back in, he chased me out with his pet hellhounds.

Now, a month later I was standing in front of a fast food restaurant wearing some shitty uniform trying to convince myself to go in for another day of work. Life's funny isn't it? And by funny I mean it fucking sucks.

I was pondering my misfortune when the air around me suddenly became cold. Then the sky turned black, a flock of crows flew by overhead and a terrible smell filled the air. I knew why all of this was happening, I knew who it was that was standing behind me but I didn't want to turn around. I was forced to face what was behind me when a bony finger poked my shoulder. I turned reluctantly and saw Death floating there.

“Hello.”

“Whats up?”

“Rematch.”

Death didn't say anything else after that, he just left. Well that's not quite true actually. Death would never just leave. What he did was turn into a shadow and then seep into the ground. Once he was gone the sky cleared up again. I looked up, sighed deeply and then headed inside to work.

It was an average day on the register, in other words it was horrendous. It was the kind of day where it takes every ounce of self control not to quit. Almost at the end of my shift, one if my roommates came in.

“Hello!”

“Hey. So, what do want?”

“Yes, I vould like a chocolatey good number three, large. Vla! Vla!”

“Is that it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, that’ll be 6 hell dollars and 48 cents.”

“Chocdamnit, how silly of me, I forgot my vallet. Do you think you can lend me some money?”

“No, I'm not giving you any more money.”

“Vla! Don't be like that, you know I'm good for it.”

“No, I can't.”

“Vhy not?”

“My managers watching…”

Indeed, I could feel him looking at me from somewhere in the back.

“Please! Vla!”

I turned around nervously and sure enough my manager was staring daggers at me. He motioned for me to come over. He was a fat, blue coackatrice with with a bland, monotone voice.

“I thought I told you to tell Chocula he isn't allowed in here anymore.”

“I did, but he doesn't listen. What can I do?”

“Figure it out, he's your friend. Now, tell him to get lost, I don't need him scaring away all of the customers.”

“Alright, alright.”

I looked at the pathetic being I was about to turn away. He was bone thin, his skin much more pale than it had ever been, his cape stained with what I sincerely hoped was chocolate. Chocula had fallen on hard times. It had been quite a while since he’d come down to Hell but he seemingly never got used to it. The fact that he went back up to earth every October didn't seem to help things. That time up on the surface appeared to be the only thing keeping him going. When it was time to go up he'd get his shit together, the rest of the time he was a drug addled mess.

When my dad kicked me out he was the only guy who offered me a place to live. For this reason it was always hard for me to not help him. I wound up having to bail him out of jail, carry his unconscious body home and get him out in bar fights constantly. It was as if there was this huge debt that kept me chained to him. I couldn't quite tell whether Chocula exploited it consciously or not but he definitely did exploit it.

“So, vhat vere you talking about?”

“Nothing. I can't help you out Count, I'm sorry.”

“It's like that huh?” He hung his head low. His wild, bloodshot eyes looked like they were about to cry.

“Look...I'm sorry it's just--”

“It's fine, it's fine.”

“I--”

“I said it's fine! Vla! Vla! It's fine Chocdamnit!”

I stared at him without saying a word. Tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“I'm sorry”, he said that and then hobbled away. Every step he took looked like it might be his last. I felt sorry for him but mostly I just at really wanted it to be October.

When my shift finally ended I decided to go stop by my girlfriend's apartment which was fairly nearby. I sent her a text letting her know but she never answered. I figured she wouldn't mind me surprising her though.

I knocked a few times but after receiving no answer I tried the doorknob. Oddly, the door was unlocked. The apartment was completely dark except for a light coming from the bedroom. I could hear creaking noises behind the closed door. Look, of course I guessed what was going on but a part of me wanted to make sure. So, I opened the door.

My girlfriend, Gorgotha, was naked in bed with a sludge demon. They both hurriedly covered themselves when they noticed me.

“Azazel, w-what are you doing here!?”

“Just came to visit.”  I answered Gorgotha with a voice devoid of any emotion. I didn't really know how to feel. It's not like I really loved her that much. Plus, I had cheated on her a bunch a time back when I had enough money to pay for whores. She wasn't exactly beautiful either, she was a five hundred pound gorgon with a lazy eye. But I guess I was a little bit hurt.

“I-I can explain.”

“Explain what? Why you're cheating on me with this fucking thing.”

“Grggllllgrggggglllgr!”, said the sludge demon. I have no idea what it said but it sounded angry.

“Fuck you.”

“Azazel, calm down.”

“I am calm or at least I was but now I'm starting get mad.”

“Grgrggrglll!”

“Can you tell this guy to shut the fuck up?”

“Don't talk to Gary like that!”

“I can talk to Gary however the fuck I want. What the hell is wrong with you? You really prefer that guy over me? That thing is fucking disgusting.”

“No, you're disgusting! He's more of a man than you'll ever be!”

“How!? He doesn't even have a penis!”

“Ggggllrr!”

“You fucking--” I stopped myself mid sentence. I was overreacting. Why should I care about what she does?  Let her have sex with whoever she wants, I can get any girl I want. Yeah, she's been my only girlfriend for the last three hundred years but… I cut my thoughts off before I could do any more damage to myself. “Whatever, you guys do what you want, I'm leaving.”

After I left Gorgotha's apartment I thought about what I should do next. Briefly, I considered finding a prostitute so that I could take care of the “problem” which led me to want to go to Gorgotha’s place. But I didn't have nearly enough money to afford one that didn't have some dick melting disease. So I decided to go home and make due with my hand and the internet.

I'd been walking for some five minutes when something caught my eye. It was someone walking on the other side of the road. I felt my blood freeze and my heart practically stopped. It was my old friend and recent enemy, Rasputin.

I was mentally screaming at my legs, trying to get them to start moving, to start running. All Rasputin would have to do is turn his head and he would see me. I couldn't let that happen. I finally got my body moving again and jumped behind some nearby bushes. I stayed there, shaking, for a long time.

Why was I so scared of him? It's a long story. It all began in the frozen land of Siberia, the year was...No, fuck that, it's way too long. It's a story for another time. Long story short, I owed him some money and Rasputin wasn't one to forget easily about such things.

When I finally thought it was safe to get up and go home, I felt exhausted both physically and mentally. I had a headache, my feet hurt and I smelled like fries. I was in no mood for anything except sleep.

Later that night I was awoken from my peaceful sleep by what sounded like someone tapping at my window. I tried my best to ignore it and go back to sleep. But the sound would not go away. So, I begrudgingly went to check.

I opened up the curtains and saw one of Death’s crows pecking at my window. The crow kept pecking for a few seconds before he noticed me. Or maybe he noticed me right away and was just being a dick? I don't know. Both options seem reasonable to me.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Tomorrow!”

“Tomorrow? Tomorrow what?”

“You ignorant fool! Tomorrow shall be the day of your reckoning!”

“You woke me up just to tell me that?”

“You may pretend if you like but soon you shall understand the true greatness of my master! For he is the destroyer, the en--”

“Hey, shut the fuck up!” screamed my upstairs neighbor.

“Hey, go away already you stupid crow! You're gonna get me in trouble!”

“Fool!”

I closed the curtains back up after that and went back to bed. The fucker kept pecking at my window but I covered my ears. It took me a while but I eventually fell asleep again.

I woke up the next day to the horrifyingly grotesque sight of Fred’s face mere inches from me. I screamed and jumped up to my feet. My heart was pounding in my chest and it took me a while to compose myself.

“What the fuck are doing!?”

“I'm sorry I scared you. There was a bird pecking at the window when I got home last night. I tried to eat it but it escaped.”

“And that's why you were hovering over me.”

“Yes. He mentioned your name as he flew off. I thought I should tell you.”

“Okay…”

As I headed for the bathroom I noticed the closet door was open and there was no one inside. “Chocula didn't come home?”

“No.”

The fuck kinda crazy shit has he gotten himself into now?  There was no doubt in my mind that I would eventually be dragged into whatever nonsense he was up to. The thought weighed heavily in my mind but I tried my best not to think about it too much.

Later, as I left my apartment, I ran into Death’s crow.

“For he is the destroyer, the end of all things. He is the master of the void, lord of shadows and bane of eternity. He is--”

“You really waited outside my place this whole time just for this?”

“He is the scourge of life, the--”

“Whatever, I gotta get to work.”

The crow flew right behind me as I walked to work. All the while he continued talking.

“He is the emperor of suffering and the harbinger of the end. He is the deacon of--”

“Okay, I get it. Just stop.”

“The deacon of--”

“Seriously, shut the fuck up.”

“The deacon--”

“Shut up!”

“Deacon! He is the deacon--”

I turned and swung at him, when I did the crow flew away quickly. I was happy to see him gone. But he came back a while later. This time he only said one thing before leaving once more.

“Tonight!”

I went to work like I would any other day and I did my job like I would any other day. Sometime during the fifth hour or so I completely forgot about my thing with Death. There’s just something about the mind-numbing monotony of it all that kinda makes you forget everything else. That was the case for me anyways. So when I got off all I could think about was getting to sleep. I had no other thoughts apart from getting myself to bed and resting. But unfortunately Chocula and Fred were waiting for me outside.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“Ve’re going out to the strip club!” Chocula exclaimed smiling.

I knew that he probably wanted me to go along but I was in no mood for that. “Well, good for you. Have fun.”

“Come on! Vla! Don't be like that!”

He sounded a lot more energetic than usual. I could kind of guess what was going on. He was shaking constantly and every five seconds or so he was scratching his neck. “Nah, I'm sorry but I'm tired. I'm gonna go home and sleep.”

“Come on, even Fred is coming along.”

“I had little choice”, Fred pointed out.

“Seriously, I'm tired, I'm not going.”

“Vla! Oh yes you are. Let's go!”

“I said--”

Chocula cut me off by grabbing a hold of my arm. “Come on, let's go! I got my car parked right across the street.”

He was weirdly strong, much stronger than he should've been. I couldn't escape his grasp so I reluctantly accepted that I'd have to accompany him. There was something in his last statement that surprised me though.“Car? You don't have a car.”

“I do now! Vla! Vla!”

As Chocula pulled me along I gave Fred a questioning look. He returned a look that said, “I have no fucking idea either.” Actually, I kind of just imagined it since his face showed absolutely nothing except bleak horror.

It turns out his car was actually really nice, way too nice. “Chocula, how did you get the money for this car?”

“Hahaha, long story.”

My concern only became bigger as I contemplated all the shit that could mean. What the fuck had this guy done? I tried my best not to think about it too much. Instead, I tried to see the bright side of things. Sure, I'd basically just gotten kidnapped by a guy who was clearly high as a kite. Sure, I was in a car which was probably stolen driven by a crazed lunatic who swerved wildly and drove way above the speed limit, but...Okay, I admit it was really hard to see the bright side.

Somehow, we made it to our destination still in one piece. Not surprisingly, it was a pretty rundown place. It was nothing like where I used to go back when I had money. Only the brokest horny guys in Pandemonium went to this place. The dancers were mostly ugly and out of shape.

Chocula told us that the drinks were all on him which I found really hard to believe. Somehow though, he did seem to have suddenly received a huge influx of cash. He was throwing seemingly endless amounts of money at the dancers. He himself was dancing around actually, in his own manic way. On the other hand, me and Fred were just sitting at our table, drinking.

Fred was usually pretty quiet but he got super talkative when he was drunk. When he started talking about his ex-wife I could tell he was very, very drunk. I tried my best to follow along with the conversation.

“And do you know what she said?”

“Umm...no, I don't even know who you're talking about…”

“My ex-wife, that fucking bitch! She asked me what kind of man I was? And why!? Why!? It was my first time, I was nervous, alright! I didn't know you I was supposed to let her bite of my head! How could I have known!? Answer me!”

“Yeah, yeah, there was no way.”

“Exactly! But that bitch held that shit over me our entire marriage. She treated me like I was somehow not a man. But I am a man goddammit, I am! Hey! I'm a man right? I am aren't I!?”

“Yeah, of course, sure you are.”

“Right!? So then what gives her the right? I tried my best, I worked day and night and it was all for nothing. She ruined everything! She acts like she was so great too. But she wasn't! Oh, she must certainly was not!”

This went on for a very long time. When Chocula eventually announced it was time for us to go I was extremely grateful to him. Before leaving he said he had to, “go to the bathroom real fast.” As we waited for him outside Fred kept talking.

“And she turned all the kids against me, all of them! Crazy fucking bitch! You know what she says? She says I hit her but I never even touched the bitch! She's crazy, totally crazy!”

I was never more happy to see Chocula then when he finally came outside to meet us. White powder covered half of his face and he seemed even more energetic that he was before.

“Vla! Alright! Let's go, the night is still young!” Chocula’s eyes were so incredibly crazed that I half expected them to fly out at any moment. He seemed to be having a never ending seizure of some type.

Maybe I knew complaining would do no good or maybe I was just too drunk but I didn't say anything. We drove downtown to one of the best clubs in the city. It was a place I used to go to quite frequently, which is why I knew that there was no way we were going to get in.

“Let's go somewhere else, this isn't a place for us.”

“Don't be like that Azazel! You have to have some confidence in yourself!”

I recognized the bouncer and tried to keep my head down so he wouldn't realize who I was. Truthfully, I felt like sinking into the pavement. The guy took one look at the three of us and burst out laughing. I couldn't blame him. I was still dressed in my McSatan’s uniform and was hunched over looking straight down at my shoes. Fred was a giant spider with acid dripping down from his mouth while he talked about how his ex-wife used to always forget to lock the front door. Chocula, well, what can I even say about him? Half his face was coated in white powder, his hair was dirty and matted, his teeth crooked, his lips extremely cracked, the veins on his neck all bulging, half his left pant leg was missing and his zipper was open. I could keep going but you probably get my point.

The bouncer didn't even reject us, he was laughing too hard for that. “Come on, Chocula, Fred, let's go”, I said.

“No! Vla! Vla! Look, I don't know vhat you're laughing at but I find it very disrespectful! Now, step aside and let us through chocdamnit!”

The bouncer’s face became deadly serious. “Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.”

“How dare you!? Do you know who I am!?”

“I have absolutely no idea. Get out of here, now.”

“Vhat if I refuse?”

The bouncer walked up to Chocula and stared down at him. He looked to be about eight feet tall and had incredibly muscular arms. The two giant horns on his head glowed red and his eyes appeared to be on fire. Chocula didn't budge, he didn't seem at all scared.

“Vhat, do you think I'm scared of you? Get the fuck out of my vay!”

I expected the guy to react by crushing Chocula head but the bouncer did not move. They stood there silently for a while, neither if them willing to back off. Then, the unthinkable happened. Chocula swung at the bouncer. His fist barely reached the guy’s abdomen and didn't appear to have any effect whatsoever. The bouncer looked astonished, he was apparently as surprised as I was. Using just one finger, he flicked Chocula on the forehead sending him flying back several feet.

I rushed over expecting to find Chocula’s skull completely destroyed. His head was somehow still intact though. I helped him to his feet.

“Get your friend out of here, now.”

“Yes sir!”

I tried to get out of there as fast as possible. Chocula though, still wanted to fight.

“Hey I--”

But I covered his mouth to avoid him taking any more damage.

“It's over, let's go.”

The bastard didn't you know when to give up, he kept struggling, trying to get free.

“Fred! Fred, help me out with this guy!”

Fred came over to help me, all the while still continuing to complain about his ex-wife.

“The tree wasn't even in the way! Why did she have to keep telling me about it? What could I have done anyways!?” he yelled as he encased Chocula in a web.

“Sorry for the trouble”, I said as I began to walk away. “Fred, throw him in the back seat.”

“Hey, Zaze is that you!?”

I pretended not to hear the guy calling out to me. I kept my head down and continued headed towards Chocula’s car.

“It is isn't it!? What's up, how have you been?”

I debated whether or not to turn around. The voice belonged to an old acquaintance of mine, Skra. He was a rock demon, the son of an extremely successful CEO and probably the biggest douche I knew.

“What's up, why are you ignoring me?”, Skra asked tapping me on the shoulder.

“No, I'm not ignoring you”, I answered, trying my best to hide the hate I felt towards him. “I just hadn't recognized you're voice.”

“Ha, right! So what have you been up to?”

I didn't want to answer. Really though, I'm sure he must have known what had happened already. In fact, as I looked closely at his face I could tell he was trying to stifle his laughter. Once, we both used to ride in the same gold plated, flying limo. Now, here I was in a fast-food restaurant’s uniform while he was dressed in a ridiculously expensive suit. His stone arms were around two insanely beautiful succubi which must have cost a fortune for him to “rent” for the night.

“So, what's up bro? Why aren't you answering?”

“Oh, I was just...thinking. Yeah, I've been...umm...hanging in there...I guess.”

“Sure looks like it!”

He didn't even tried to hide his laughter when he said that. I felt like punching him and I would have if doing so didn't mean breaking all the bones in my hand.

“You know you're dad is gonna get here anytime now. Maybe you guys can patch things up.”

“I doubt it.”

“You never know unless you try.”

The way he spoke made it clear that he was just amusing himself with me. Either he had talked to my dad or someone had told him what had happened. Clearly, he knew there was no chance my dad would change his mind but he wanted to see me humiliated. I found myself wondering why I'd ever hung out with such a piece of shit.

“Look, here he comes!”, he said pointing up at the sky.

Sure enough, there was my dad’s platinum colored dragon, flying towards us. I had no intention of meeting him that night. It was time for me to go.

“What a nice reunion this will be!”

“No, the reunion will have to wait. I gotta go.”

“Zaze, are you serious? Don't be like that.”

“Sorry, but I'm leaving” I said ending the conversation. As I briskly walked away I heard Skra say one more thing.

“What a fucking loser.”

Turns out Chocula had escaped from the web Fred had encased him in. When I got back to his car he was in the driver’s seat. He had a lit pipe in his mouth. Where had he gotten it and what was inside of it? I could not begin to imagine.

“Don't just stand there, get in! We got places to go!”

The car ride was even more terrifying than before. Chocula was now not only ridiculously high but also dangerously drunk. He hit every single thing he could possibly hit but kept driving as if he didn't even notice. Obviously, a police car eventually started chasing us.

“Chocula, pull over!”, I begged. He didn't respond. Looking at his eyes, I could tell he was completely out of it. Quite frankly, it looked like he was no longer even in the same universe as me. He probably wasn't aware of me or the police. The sound of the siren probably didn't even register in his ears. In his mind he might have been flying a spaceship through a meteor field or something. I tried to slap some sense into him but to no avail.

“Chocula! Chocula!”, I screamed as I hit him as hard as I could. “Fred, help me out!”

“There was only three of them though. She made such a big deal when it was only three of them. Can you believe that?”

“You're still going!? Fuck!” I gathered all the strength I had and put it into my fist. Then I punched Chocula square in the jaw. Miraculously, he came to his senses, somewhat.

“Shit, where are we!?” , he said, clearly disoriented. “I need to pull over.”

“Oh, thank god!”

“I gotta take a piss.”

Good enough, I guess. Him “pulling over” involved suddenly stopping in the middle of the road. He still didn't seem to notice the police. He got out, took a few steps and then pissed his pants.

Nearby, the police car came to a stop and two officers rushed out of it. One of them was a goblin, the other a walrus. They both had pistols in one hand and batons in the other.

“Put yer hands up! Put yer fuckin hands up right now!”, yelled the goblin.

“That's right, you fellas best do as the man says”, added the walrus, clearly out of breath.

I did as I was told, my two roommates did not.

“Git on you're fuckin knees right now, the three of you!”

“Hey spider-boy, you heard my partner, didn't you!? Git down!”

“Sorry sir but he doesn't have any knees” I pointed out.

The Walrus looked over at me, his eyes brimming with contempt and said, “Oh? We got ourselves a smart fella huh? We don't take to kindly to smart fellas round these parts.”

“No, we sho don't” said the goblin with a disturbing smile.

“Know what I like to do to smart fellas?”

“Tell em, you tell em Skeeter!”, the goblin exclaimed.

“Answer me, boy!”

“No, I-I don't.” I do not like where this is going.

“Well you gon learn, ain't ya?”

“Yessir, you gon learn!”

“Enus, go cuff that fella pissin his britches. I’ll take care of these two.”

“Got it Skeeter.”

Chocula saw the goblin coming towards him but he didn't seem to care, he just kept pissing his pants.

“Hey, git down on you're fuckin knees!”, commanded the goblin, his gun pointed straight at Chocula’s forehead.

Chocula stared at him. His face was like that of a monk who had just reached enlightenment. Then he said,“Fern trombone sees obtuse crayon drifts away not watering.”

“What did you just say to me boy!? Lookin for a fight!?”

The officer then proceeded to beat Chocula savagely. I didn't like the guy very much but it hard not to feel bad for him anyways. After the thirtieth blow anyone would have felt sorry for him. The goblin continued hitting him for a very long time. Even though Chocula was unconscious after a short while the officer kept yelling, “Stop resisting!”

When the goblin was finally satisfied he threw Chocula in the backseat of his patrol car. I felt bad and a small part of me did want to help him but I promptly told that part to shut the fuck up. I didn't quite like the idea of getting the shit beat out of me. So, I was going to stay quiet and do my best not to antagonize the two violently insane police officers.

After throwing Chocula in the car the goblin walked over to me and Fred. His hands were soaked in blood.

“Now, I take it you two boys will cooperate, right?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Mostly it was in the afternoon though. I couldn't really tell you why, but it seemed to always get worse then. Of course I tried to fix it but I could never get it quite right. But I did try you know? Why did she have to complain so much!? I tried!”

“What in the fuck is your friend talking about?”, asked the Walrus.

“Oh, ugh...he’s complaining about his ex-wife.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean!? Is that code for something!? Answer me!?”

“No sir, not that I know of.”

“It is isn't it!” The Walrus walked right up to Feed and then screamed in his face, “ What are you tryna do!? You black bastard, what are you tryna do!?”

“More like the sink never worked in the first place. How was I supposed to fix it anyways?”

“That's it, let's get em Enus!”

“Yeah, let's get em Skeeter!”

Both of them then proceeded to beat Fred savagely. Admirably, he kept complaining about his ex-wife despite the brutal beating he was taking. Only at the very end, after what was probably a hundred blows did he finally shut up. Both officers were exhausted by then and their voices were hoarse from screaming, “Stop resisting!” Fred, of course, had never resisted but that didn't seem to matter to them. When they finished putting Fred in the back seat they were both breathing quite heavily.

“I hope watching your friends go through that will teach you not to resist.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, using some fancy words now? You thenk you're better than me!?”

“No, not at all.”

“There you go again! What are you, a college boy!?

“No, well, actually...yes but, ugh--”

“So what!? Does that make you better than us!? You're fancy education mean you better than us!?”

“No, of course not! I didn't even finish, I dropped out after my first semester.”

“So you didn't even need college, did you? You're so fuckin smart, huh?”

“No, that's not what I meant.”

“So what then!? You some type of big shot, don't even need an education? You some kinda rich boy?”

His words struck a nerve and I couldn't help but get a little mad. “What, are you kidding me? Look at my uniform, does this look like something a rich guy would wear?”

“You can't fool me! I see through you're little disguise. Trying to make fun of the common man by dressing like us, aren't you?”

“No, I--”

“Shut the fuck up! I see you're fancy horns all nice and shiny. A working man would never have horns like that!”

By then I had realized that no matter what I said, I was gonna get beaten savagely. And sure enough that's what ended up happening. The last thing I can remember before passing out is the two officers yelling at me to, “stop resisting!”

When I awoke I was in the back of their patrol car, my head leaning against the window. Chocula was passed out next to me, his face a bloody mess. Fred was awake but similarly bloodied. I turned away from them,  stared out the window and watched the city pass by. It was probably the brain damage that I'd later find out I had received but everything I saw brought back memories.

We passed Satan’s main office, a enormous red tower (Satan makes sure that none of the skyscrapers in Pandemonium are ever built taller than his office) around which flew the screaming souls of the damned. I’d been there a few times with my dad, it was a pretty nice place. From the top floors you could get a nice view of The Lake of Fire and there was really good ice cream place nearby too.

Not far away was the local courthouse, a truly terrifying place. It was constantly filled to the brim with grotesque monstrosities too vile to describe. In other words, it was filled with lawyers. I'd been there may times, mostly due to drunk driving. I'd won every single time thanks to my dad having the greatest lawyer ever on retainer. It was probably from my dealings with him that my hatred for his kind was born.

There were all kinds of hipster coffee shops. A lot for them had “for sale” signs on the doors. The demons who opened them only kept them open up until they became popular at which point they'd sell the place and open up another shop somewhere else. I thought it was funny how most of these places were flanked by fast-food restaurants.

You could buy any kind of food you wanted in downtown Pandemonium, everything from radioactive waste to sea dragon sushi. It was a city of many wonders, from its succubus “massage” parlors to its back alleys where you could buy any type of drug imaginable. As we drove by I spotted a few alleyways where I myself had made many purchases (and gotten stabbed, mugged and beaten).

We drove by Devil’s Park a place famous for its demon trees which and recently been embroiled in various sexual harassment lawsuits. Morbidly obese demons could often be seen attempting to jog there. An entire colony of gnomes made there home in tunnels beneath the ground. They would often surface to steal from from picnics.

Near a freeway entrance there was a billboard advertising, “Mephistopheles Soul Collection Agency”. My dad’s smiling face was plastered on it along with the tagline, “Hell’s #1 agency!”

I didn't resemble my dad very much. My dad almost never spoke about my mom but he had once told me that I had her eyes. I always thought that it was true since bone of my siblings had yellow eyes like mine. My brothers would constantly make fun of me, they said my mom must have been a human. It would've made sense (except humans don't have yellow eyes), I did have some odd features. My fangs were small, my skin strangely smooth, I had no tail, no wings, it was all rather suspicious. I had the same horns as the guy on the billboard but not much else. I was still staring at my dad’s face when the enormous damage I'd sustained to head made me pass out once more.

Upon arriving at the police station, we were beaten a little bit more and then thrown into a small cell. Apart from us there was also a tall, emaciated ghoul passed out on the floor and a grey-skinned vampire with long ears and two giant fangs. The vampire was leaning up against the cell bars, staring out into space.

I thought about what to do. I'd never been in jail before. I'd fucked up a lot but I'd always gotten away with it because of my dad. Now I didn't have him backing me up anymore. Since I don't have any personal experience on the matter I thought about what people on TV did in similar situations.

“Don't we get one phone call!?”, I yelled out.

As soon as I spoke the vampire leaning up against the bars gave me a wide eyed look and shook his head. The ghoul said, “bad idea”, without opening its eyes. I soon realized what he meant.

The goblin officer walked over to our cell, unlocked it, opened it and then punched me square in the dick. “So you want a phone call? I'll give you a phone call!” He's beat me up once more and then left whilst laughing and saying, “‘Phone call', yeah right!”

“What the fuck do we do now?”, I wondered in a quiet voice as I lay on the floor in a bloody heap.

“A good question.”

I was surprised to hear Fred answer me. He'd been quiet for a while. The beating had ended his ex-wife monologue and he hadn't said anything to me on the car ride over.

“We’re stuck here.”

“Perhaps not…”, said Fred as he stared up at the ceiling.

“What do you mean?” He didn't answer but I soon realized what he was looking at. There was a small black spider hanging from a web on the ceiling. “Is that someone you know?”

“That's my son, David.” Though Fred was incapable of expressions and his eyes were unable to produce tears, I imagined him getting teary eyed when he spoke.

“You're son?”

“Yes. Doesn't he look like me?”

“I guess.” Honestly, I couldn't really tell. “Isn't he a little small though?”

“He's still young.”

“Alright then.” I had questions I wanted to ask but I figured it wasn't the time. “Do you think he can help us get outta here?”

“Yes. Let me talk to him.”

The little spider landed on top of his “dad's” head.

“Hey, how have you been son?”

I couldn't hear David's voice but Fred must have.

“It's a long story, let's just say it's been a crazy night. What have you been up to?”

“...”

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.”

“...”

“Yes, yes, that's true.”

“...”

“Well, there's always other girls, son.”

“...”

“I know it seems that way now but trust me. Anyways, I wanted to ask you a favor.”

“...”

“No, I'd never ask you to do anything illegal. I just need you to contact your brother George for me.”

“...”

“I know you guys don't get along, but do it for me please.”

“...”

“Please.”

“...”

“Thank you.”

“...”

“Okay, see you soon.”

With that, the little spider jumped off Fred's head and scurried away.

“So how's your son gonna get us outta here?”

“My son George is a lawyer.”

I winced a little at that last word. After that we didn't talk anymore. Maybe an hour later, we were set free. I didn't hear what George said to the two officers but it must have really shaken them. As we left that place they kept their heads low and some to us respectfully.

“Sorry for the misunderstanding, I hope we haven't inconvenienced you too much”, said the walrus.

“Yes, we are very sorry to have disturbed you”, added the goblin.

“You better be. You'll be hearing from my office later”, George said calmly.

The the officers shook a little when they heard George's voice. Even their accents seemed to disappear. Lawyers are terrifying as it is and this guy was not only a lawyer. George looked just like his dad, in that he was a terrifyingly hideous giant spider. I could scarcely imagine anything worse than a giant spider who was also a lawyer.

By the way, we decided to leave Chocula in the cell. Me and Fred figured it might do him some good. Also, I was pretty mad at him for getting me into such a mess out he first place.

George offered to drive us home in his car. Naturally, we accepted. I sat in the backseat while Fred sat up front next to his son.

“So, George, how have you been?”

“What do you care?”

“Of course I care, I'm your father.”

“Now you're my father? Where were you when I needed you?”

“What do you mean, son? I've always been there for you.”

“Really? How come you weren't at my graduation?”

“You know why. Your mom was there.”

“And!? You couldn't be there for me?”

“I wanted to go, I really did but me and her would've just ended up fighting.”

“It's just you that hasn't gotten over it. Mom got married again last month.”

“What!? Fucking bitch! No, no, I mean, good for her! Yeah, that's great to hear.”

“See, you can't even fake it.”

“Whatever, enough about me. How are things with you and your girlfriend?”

“Me and Judy broke up a year ago. I got married to someone else a couple months ago.”

“Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you invite me to the wedding?”

“I knew you wouldn't go. Mom was there.”

“You're right, I probably wouldn't have. I'm really happy you're doing well though. So when can I expect some grandchildren?”

“Pretty soon actually, my wife’s pregnant.”

“How is it that you still have your head then?”

“She’s not that type of spider.”

“Ah, an interracial marriage then?”

“Yeah. You got a problem with that?”

“No, not at all. As long as you're happy.”

“I am, I really am.”

“So much has happened without me noticing…”

“That's what happens when you remove yourself from someone’s life.”

“That's not what happened, at least that's not what I wanted.”

“Whether you wanted it or not doesn't matter.”

“It does! I want to be a part of your life!”

“You say that but I doubt that's true.”

“It is true! I'll prove it to you. From now on I'll spend a such time as I can with you!”

“You don't have--”

“No, I'm serious! In fact, I'm going to start today. I'm spending the night at you're house, we need to catch up on a lot of things.”

“That's not necessary.”

“Yes it is!”

“No, really--”

“I insist!”

“But dad--”

“Don't worry I'm not letting you down anymore!”

“That's not it, it's just--”

“Believe in me! I'm going to every single moment I can with you from now on!”

“Th--”

“Every moment!”

“N--”

“Every single moment!”

George gave up after that. A few minutes later, they dropped me off. Pretty much as soon as I got in I threw myself on the couch and drifted off to sleep. A noise coming from the kitchen woke me up some time afterwards. The light was on and as I went to investigate my nose was assaulted by a horrible smell. The quiet sound of faraway organ music indicated to me that I shouldn’t go any further. I understood what was waiting for me in there and I was in no mood to face it. I slowly backed away and tried getting to the front door. I had my hand on the doorknob when I saw a figure appear at the kitchen doorway. The crow atop it’s shoulder called out to me.

“Filthy peon, it is time!”

All hope drained out of me at that moment. Then, with my shoulders slumped and an almost eternal groan resounding through my head, I dragged my feet forward.

 


Submitted: January 30, 2018

© Copyright 2021 JLZ. All rights reserved.

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