The Donahues Episode 278

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Jacob ships to Afghanistan. Alec & Tara have a falling out over plans to move to California, Ethan and Jennifer visit Hawaii only to take shelter from an incoming nuclear missile that doesn’t
actually exist, Clarissa gives Ryan an ultimatum, and Ryan and Alec try to come up with great ideas for their new album

Submitted: January 24, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 24, 2018









“Another head hangs lowly, child is slowly taken. And the violence caused such silence, who are we mistaken? But you see, it's not me, It's not my family, In your head, in your head, they are fightin'”

  • Dolores O’Riordan


(We start with a shot of Ethan emerging from the shower, in a hotel room. He puts on his towel and looks in the mirror. He checks his phone. It says “7:45 AM Saturday, January 13th”. He then checks the weather. It reads “76 Degrees, Honolulu, Hawaii”. Ethan emerges from the bathroom to see Jennifer already dressed)


ETHAN: Is there any reason we have to be up this early when we’re on vacation?


JENNIFER: The one sin God cannot forgive is laziness. Hustle all day, every day.


(Jennifer throws a shirt at Ethan. He catches it, but this causes his towel to drop, revealing his dick. They both laugh)


ETHAN: He’s ready. (Cut to Ethan, now clothed in shorts and a t-shirt, and Jennifer, now clothed in a flowy top and shorts, holding hands and walking on the beach. A beachside hotel is in the background, and they smile at each other) …I haven’t been this happy in a long, long time.


(Jennifer smiles and kisses Ethan. Then, they get notifications on their phones, as does everyone else on the beach. They look at them, and they read “EMERGENCY ALERT- BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL” Ethan and Jennifer’s eyes widen)



ETHAN: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! (Ethan, Jennifer and everyone else on the beach start screaming and running towards the hotel. Cut to the lobby of the hotel. There is mass panic, as people dash to find shelter. Ethan and Jennifer run inside) I THINK I SAW A DOOR TO A BASEMENT, FOLLOW ME!


(Ethan and Jennifer run out of the lobby. A hotel employee then runs into the lobby)




(Cut to Ethan and Jennifer arriving at a door labeled “TO BASEMENT”. Ethan tries to open it, but it’s locked)



JENNIFER: Babe, do you think this will protect us from a nuclear blast anyway!?


ETHAN: We need to get as far underground as possible!


(Ethan backs up and kicks the door. He kicks it again)


JENNIFER: We should find somewhere else-



(Ethan kicks the door open, and they rush inside, closing the door behind them. They rush down stairs into a cavernous, dark basement with boxes of snacks and supplies abounding. They turn on the lights to see these things)


JENNIFER: Oh my God, there’s a ton of complimentary snacks down here.


(Ethan is on his phone)


ETHAN: Motherfucker, I can’t get reception down here! I need to text my family, at the very least!

JENNIFER: Ethan, what are we going to do once the missile hits, assuming we survive?


(Ethan sits on a box and puts his head in his hands)


ETHAN: None of this makes any sense, why would North Korea attack us?! (Ethan looks at Jennifer) Surely, President Trump is ordering a response attack right now that would destroy them and knock out their ability to launch any further attacks!


JENNIFER: How do we know it was North Korea? Could’ve been the French.


ETHAN: Would you please stop fucking around?! We may die, and even if we don’t immediately, what are we gonna do!? If we leave the basement after the attack, we’re just going to get fucking radiation poisoning and die slowly!


(Jennifer takes a deep breath, walks over and sits next to Ethan on the box, and holds his hand)


JENNIFER: …We have plenty of supplies. We can wait until the radiation reaches safe levels. I think that should be, a few weeks from now.


(Ethan shakes his head)


ETHAN: …And that’s assuming we survive.


JENNIFER: This seems like a pretty tough basement.


ETHAN: Hold on, I need to pray.


(Ethan gets on his knees, puts his hands together and closes his eyes. Jennifer watches)


JENNIFER: …This had to happen while we were here.


ETHAN: Shhh!




(Ethan extends his hand, and turns his head to her)


ETHAN: Pray with me.


(Jennifer squint)


JENNIFER: I’m not really…


ETHAN: I want to see you up there.




(Jennifer gets on her knees next to Ethan and starts praying. Cut to a ton of Hawaiians and tourists emerging from the fallout shelter in the hotel, pissed off)


TOURIST: Who the hell do I have to sue for this?!


HAWAII RESIDENT: How does a false alarm like this happen!?


TOURIST 2: I confessed to my wife I was cheating on her! And then I told my mistress that I didn’t love her! I’m gonna sue the SHIT out of Hawaii!!


(Cut to outside the hotel, in a construction area. A bunch of the construction workers return to their posts, putting their hard hats back on, and picking up jackhammers. One of them gets on an excavator)




(The construction workers nod. The excavator bangs his shovel on the ground, creating a massive noise. Cut to Ethan and Jennifer lying on the ground, as this massive noise erupts)


ETHAN: I think that’s it!

(Ethan and Jennifer cover their heads, as the jackhammers sound off very loudly)








(Cut to the construction workers. The Foreman walks on site and waves his hands)


FOREMAN: STOP! (They gradually stop jackhammering and look at him) Alright, guys, everyone’s very shaken by the missile scare. We’re sending everyone home for the day.


CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Great, because I’m moving. Never know when the real shit’s gonna go down.


(The construction workers abandon their posts and walk out. Cut to Ethan and Jennifer uncovering their heads and looking upward)


ETHAN: …Is that it?


JENNIFER: Did we survive?


ETHAN: Where did North Korea get their missile technology from, Fisher Price ballistics?


(Jennifer shrugs and sits on a box)


JENNIFER: …Now we play the waiting game.


(Ethan looks at her. Cut to Ryan walking out of a classroom with a green backpack on. He’s wearing black boots and a grey, button-up jacket as well. Clarissa walks up to him wearing a shirt with the Pepsi logo on it)




RYAN: Hey, Clarissa!


(Ryan tries to hug her but she pushes back)


CLARISSA: Ryan, don’t.


RYAN: What’s wrong? I have to tell you what happened in class today, this kid brought a foam sword to class. He wanted to let everyone know he was a LARP-er once we did the “fun fact about me” introductions.


CLARISSA: Ryan, I don’t care. When are you gonna break up with her?


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: …It’s not that easy. It’s like switching from Coke to Pepsi, it takes time- why are you wearing that, by the way?


CLARISSA: It’s laundry day, and I went to a trade show once, any other irrelevant questions?


RYAN: Not at the moment.


CLARISSA: Ryan. I want to get to know you better. But I can’t wait around for all time. You have to pick a side, her or me. Otherwise, I’ll move on.


RYAN: …Clarissa, I-


CLARISSA: That’s your choice. You have three days.


(Clarissa walks away, as Ryan reaches out, but dejectedly, his hand falls. Cut to Ryan driving his car down the highway, passing a sign reading “30 MILES TO BURLINGTON”. He is sitting in his car, listening to NPR)


NPR: North Korea and South Korea have agreed to march under one, unified flag at the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea next month, according to reports, in what is considered a diplomatic breakthrough. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters the Trump Administration hopes these talks will give the North Korean athletes a “taste of freedom” that will help the negotiations to suspend North Korea’s burgeoning nuclear weapons program. In other news, Cranberries singer Dolores O’Riordan passed away yesterday, and the cause of her death remains a mystery-


RYAN: Alright, that’s my news intake for the month.


(Ryan plugs in his phone, and starts playing “Zombie” by The Cranberries. The song fades out as we cut to Ryan standing outside the Donahue household, with Kimberly, Madeline, Jacob, Renee and Kyle. Jacob is dressed in his formal military uniform, and Renee is holding hands with Kyle, who is now two years and ten months old. Kimberly is wearing a red shirt with a gold necklace, and Madeline is wearing a white shirt, blue pants with a red belt. A car, full of Jacob’s luggage, is waiting for him on the curb)


JACOB: …Well…this is it, I suppose.


KIMBERLY: …Don’t say it like that. We’ll see you in six months.


JACOB: Yes, of course.


RYAN: Murder some people for me, okay?



RYAN: What? That’s his job!

KIMBERLY: Can you please leave your politics out of this?! Especially in front of Kyle!?


JACOB: No, Ryan’s right. I murder bad guys.


KYLE: Murder?


RENEE: Shhh, don’t listen to your Uncle Ryan. He’s a jerk-face.


KYLE: Jerk-face!

RYAN: Don’t make that stick, please.


(Jacob hugs Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: I love you.


JACOB: I love you, too.


(Jacob hugs Madeline)


MADELINE: I’ll miss you, Jacob.


JACOB: Me too.


(Jacob goes over and hugs Ryan)


RYAN: If the military-industrial complex sends you a check, at least cut me in, okay?


JACOB: I love you too, Ryan.


(Jacob goes over and kisses Renee)


RENEE: I’ll love you forever.


JACOB: I love you too.


RENEE: May Christ be with you.


(Jacob looks towards the camera)


JACOB: Trust me, there’s no Christ where I’m going.


(Jacob winks)


RYAN: What are you looking at?


JACOB: Where’s dad?


KIMBERLY: He couldn’t be here. He sends his love, though.


(Jacob nods)


JACOB: I wonder how much that cost.


KYLE: Don’t go, daddy!

(Kyle grips onto Jacob’s leg. Renee starts tearing up. Jacob kneels down and hugs Kyle)


JACOB: Kyle, buddy. I’ll call you all the time. And I’ll be back before you know it. Just put that super-secret code into your iPad, hack into the Bird’s Eye Drone view, and you may just see me waving at you from the desert ground.


RYAN: Are you kidding!?!


JACOB: I love you all.


(Jacob kisses Kyle on the forehead, as he wipes tears from his face. Jacob waves and gets in the car, which then drives away as everyone waves. Ryan shakes his head)


RYAN: I don’t understand why anyone would want to go to war.


RENEE: Would you stop? Kyle, go with your grandma inside.


(Kyle walks over to Kimberly, who takes him inside)


RYAN: I’m sorry, I just don’t understand why he joined. Especially with a wife and child.


RENEE: Sometimes people believe in the greater good rather than just themselves. Maybe you could take a lesson from him.


(Renee marches back inside. Ryan looks at Madeline)


MADELINE: You shouldn’t say things like that.


(Ryan shakes his head)


RYAN: I need to go back to Plattsburgh. I have a record to make. I’m MAKING something. Rather than just destroying.


(Ryan gets in his car, and drives off. Madeline shakes her head and goes inside. Cut to Alec on the couch, in sitting area just outside of the recording booth, clearly in pain, as Tara puts a disinfectant on a bite wound he has. Alec is wearing an Odd Future baseball cap, and has stubble)


ALEC: Urggggh, goddamnit!


TARA: Shhhh, it’s not gonna make it any better.


ALEC: How goddamn hard did Liam Neeson bite?!


TARA: You snuck up on him! You can’t do that!


ALEC: Uggghh… (Tara puts the band-aid on) This really makes me want to move to LA. Real, real bad.


TARA: What are you saying?


(Alec sits up)


ALEC: I’m saying, we were in LA for a week to find jobs, and you got three leads, and I got NOTHING. Except a bite in the leg from an apparently rabid Liam Neeson.


TARA: You can’t be impatient; these things take a while.


ALEC: Tara, it’s been like that every single summer we’ve spent in LA.


TARA: So you don’t want to go back?


ALEC: …No, I don’t.


(Tara stands up)


TARA: Our lease ends in March. What are we going to do? Live under a bridge? Live with Ryan? Or better yet, under a bridge?


(Alec stands up)


ALEC: I’m not saying you shouldn’t go. I’m saying you should go, without me.


(Tara squints)


TARA: Are you breaking up with me?


ALEC: I need to focus on myself for a while. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be forever known as just “Tara’s boyfriend”.


(Tara shakes her head and scoffs)


TARA: “Focus on yourself for a while”…how new.


(Tara grabs her coat, storms out, and slams the door. Alec sits down, and rubs his temples. Cut to Ryan driving in his car, on the phone)


RYAN: Sarah, I’m heading back, but I need to go the studio right away.


(Cut to Sarah, who is wearing a white t-shirt and white beanie, on her cell phone in Ryan’s apartment)


SARAH: You can’t stop by?


RYAN: (On the phone) No, but I promise, as soon as I get home tonight, I will devastate you.


SARAH: Is that supposed to sound sexy?


(Cut to Ryan)


RYAN: Yes, it is. Love you, bye. (Ryan hangs up. He then gets another call, and answers it) Hello? Arthur? (Cut to Ryan bursting into the studio’s sitting area, to see Alec sitting there, holding a beer) Well, we’re fucked.


(Alec stands up)


ALEC: What do you mean?


RYAN: Arthur McDouglas from Last Stand Records just called me. He said we have to put out a record by March or they’ll drop us.


ALEC: March?! We agreed to have a record by the summer, how the hell are we going to do March? We’ve barely recorded anything, we don’t even have a name!


RYAN: They just say surprise, early-release albums sell better these days. And there’s not a lot of hype behind this thing, so you’re bitching to the wrong person.


ALEC: You’re the bitch!

RYAN: No, you, sir, are the bitch.


ALEC: You’re worse than the bitch, you are the BISH.


(Ryan chuckles and shakes his head)


RYAN: What a nightmare…where’s Tara?


ALEC: …She’s not feeling well.


RYAN: Well. We might as well come up with some ideas for this shitty, half-baked record we’re gonna make.


(Alec sits down, and throws a beer to Ryan, and opens one himself. Alec sniffs it)


ALEC: I love the smell of alcohol in the morning. (Ryan chuckles and sits next to him) Maybe, this doesn’t have to be a shitty record.


RYAN: I mean, ideally, but we have no time to write and record it.


ALEC: Are you saying we couldn’t write the whole thing tonight?


RYAN: Well, I mean-


(Alec stands up, as does Ryan)


ALEC: Are you scared?


RYAN: No, I’m not-




(Ryan looks both ways)



ALEC: YES! (Alec goes over to his back pack and pulls out a notepad, and throws it on the table. He then pulls out a bottle of Crown Royal, and another bottle of Svedka and puts it on the table, right next to two bottles of Sprite and Coke and a stack of solo cups) Come on, let’s get the creative juices flowing.


RYAN: Great, but, let me ask you, did you bring any Pepsi? (Alec glares at Ryan, and then pushes Ryan to his knees) What are you doing!?




(Alec extends his hand)

RYAN: What?!







RYAN: Well, I guess that is pretty punk, at least Snapchat it!


(Ryan puts his hands around his neck)


ALEC: NO, YOU DUMBFUCK, USE MY HAND! (Ryan tries to pull Alec’s hand towards him, but he pulls it away) DON’T PULL MY FUCKING HAND, NUMBNUTS, LEAN FORWARD AND CHOKE YOURSELF! (Ryan shrugs and leans into Alec’s hand, and Alec begins choking him. Alec pulls out his phone and starts filming it) Alright, in a few minutes, we’ll have all the punk cred we need.


RYAN: (Pained, gasping) Punk cred, more like “fuck head”, am I right?


ALEC: Good boy.


(Cut to Ethan and Jennifer in their “fallout shelter”. They’re lying on the ground, looking at the ceiling)


JENNIFER: …This is all so surreal…


ETHAN: …Yeah…we have no idea what’s going on out there. North Korea is probably gone. Seoul is probably fucked. Who knows what condition Japan is in? And maybe they destroyed Sarah Palin’s house…


JENNIFER: …Is there…are there any regrets you have, about this whole thing?




JENNIFER: No, just…all of it. Your life.


ETHAN: …Sure, of course. I mean. I shouldn’t have, stayed loyal to Sarandon all those years. That’s one.


JENNIFER: You should’ve fought for yourself, right?


ETHAN: …No…I should’ve, fought for someone that I cared about. (Jennifer turns to Ethan) I fought for myself all the time. But I ruined two marriages that way.




ETHAN: Oh yeah. I guess you don’t know about Fiona. Don’t worry, that didn’t last very long. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it.


JENNIFER: I don’t follow tabloids. I only read the Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and this libertarian Tumblr some seventeen-year old from Wisconsin writes.


ETHAN: …Well, I’m glad you don’t pay attention to all that noise. But, what are your regrets? I mean, you’re clearly wealthy, so you can’t have too many.


JENNIFER: …I mean, I wasn’t born like this, I was born in Iowa, to a working-class family.


ETHAN: Really? Why didn’t you ever tell me that?


JENNIFER: I don’t know. They were drunks. I hit eighteen, I got a scholarship, and I got the hell out of there.


ETHAN: …Have you seen them since?



ETHAN: …Who do you have?


(Jennifer turns towards Ethan)




ETHAN: Who do you have? You don’t have your parents, you don’t have kids, who do you have?


JENNIFER: …I guess I have you.


(Ethan moves her hair out of her face, and starts making out with her. They get up, and Ethan puts her on the box. He starts unbuttoning her blouse, and takes it off. Jennifer starts unbuttoning his shirt, but he stops her)


ETHAN: Hold on!



ETHAN: Will this let the radiation in, or-?


JENNIFER: Ethan, I don’t think this thin layer of Rayon was protecting you from radiation! (Ethan nods, and Jennifer continues taking his shirt off. Ethan pulls down his pants and underwear, and unbuttons Jennifer’s shorts and takes down her panties) Hold on!


(Ethan stops)


ETHAN: What?


JENNIFER: Do you have a condom?


(Ethan pats at his pants, and pulls out his wallet. He opens it, finding nothing)


ETHAN: No, but. Come on, we’re probably going to die.


(Jennifer nods and Ethan inserts his penis into her vagina and begins thrusting as they passionately make out. Cut to Ryan in the recording studio, walking around shirtless, while Alec furiously writes down ideas in his notebook. Ryan is holding a half-empty bottle of Crown Royal)


RYAN: It needs to be something intimate, but not uncomfortably so, you know what I mean?


ALEC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep coming at me, rapid-fire.


(Alec appears to be scribbling all over the paper)


RYAN: There has to be heart there, it has to be something that someone can grip onto, and never let go. Never, ever let go.


(Alec drops the notebook, and falls on the ground)


ALEC: I’ve got it!


RYAN: What is it?! WHAT IS IT!?


(Ryan sits on the ground, as Alec crawls towards him)


ALEC: Hear me.


RYAN: Okay. I’m gonna rest my eyes though, but I can still hear you.


ALEC: Okay.


RYAN: With my ears.


ALEC: Okay.


(Ryan closes his eyes. And then we cut to him and Alec in the back of an Uber. Ryan is opening his eyes)


RYAN: …What was it?


ALEC: What?


RYAN: What was the idea?


ALEC: Oh, tell him, Kurt.


(Cut to the Uber driver, who is a twenty-something with a goatee named Kurt)


KURT: Basically, it’s a fridge that tells you what it has in it, all you have to do is a fingerprint verification.


ALEC: It’s fuckin’ perfect, right, I can finally know whether I finished my Baconator last night or not-


RYAN: Couldn’t you just look?!

KURT & ALEC: Shit gets stuck back there-


ALEC: SEE?! My homeboy here gets it.


(Alec and Kurt fist bump, but Kurt takes his eyes off the road to do it, and almost goes into oncoming traffic, we hear a horn)




(Kurt swerves away from the traffic)


KURT: Sorry about that!


(Alec hands Ryan a flask)


ALEC: Here, take the edge off.


(Ryan takes a swig)


RYAN: Where are we going?


(Cut to Ryan and Alec stumbling through a graveyard, wielding bottles)


ALEC: You said you wanted more punk cred, well, here we are, we got it, boooys!


RYAN: I said that?


ALEC: Yep, several-ass times, ass! Go pose by a grave for the cover, okay? (Ryan squints and walks over to the grave of a man labeled “Don Hedgecliff- October 1, 1927- July 22, 1950”. Ryan leans on it) Don’t lean on it, do somethin’ cooler.


(Ryan gets a call. He checks it, and it’s Sarah. The phone shows she’s called seven times. The time & date say “Friday, January 19th, 4:57 AM”)


RYAN: It’s almost five in the morning? What have we written?


(Alec puts his phone down)


ALEC: You’re fucking up the picture!

RYAN: Sorry.


(Ryan puts his phone away. It starts raining)


ALEC: Shit, thank God Lorenzo gave us those rain coats.


(Alec pulls two rain coats from a nearby back pack. He throws one to Ryan)


RYAN: Lorenzo?


(Alec starts putting on his rain coat)


ALEC: Yeah, our Lyft driver.


RYAN: …No, you mean, Kurt.


ALEC: No, that was our Uber driver, dude, Lorenzo picked us up from Catherine’s farm.


RYAN: …Catherine’s farm? Catherine who?


ALEC: I don’t remember her last name, she was your friend. Now put on your raincoat so we can walk to Dunkin’ Donuts.


(Alec puts on a grey beanie, and starts waking. Ryan puts on his raincoat, and a grey beanie, and starts walking behind him, as the rain pours harder. Cut to Ryan and Alec sitting in a booth at Dunkin’ Donuts with coffees in front of them. They are wet, and it’s raining outside. The waiter comes over to them)


WAITER: Everything alright over here?


RYAN: Yes, thank you.


WAITER: Great.


(The waiter walks away. Ryan takes a sip of coffee, then looks at Alec)


RYAN: So we haven’t written anything?


ALEC: Come on, you’ve never gotten a deadline extended?


RYAN: A deadline I’ve set myself? Almost constantly, but we have to have an album by March.


ALEC: Even if we don’t have the album by March what are they gonna do, sue us?


RYAN: Maybe!


ALEC: No way. We don’t have to do everything they tell us to do, we can just do us.


RYAN: Right.


ALEC: Just doin’ us fam, she doesn’t have a say.


RYAN: …We’re not talking about our label, aren’t we?


ALEC: I’m not going back to California, Ryan. No fucking way. I’m done over there. We’re not working on the Donahue-Conner-Washburn project, we’re working on the Donahue-Washburn project!


RYAN: …Alec, we’re not working on either. We’re at a Dunkin’ Donuts, and this- (Ryan holds up a notepad with scribbles, drawings of dicks, and anagrams of the word “fart” all over it) is what we have for rough ideas.


ALEC: I’m thinking Frat Raft is a good way to go, name-wise.


RYAN: Why were we at Catherine’s?


ALEC: You said she inspired you, so we stopped by.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Fuck. She does inspire me. (Ryan covers his eyes. Cut to him uncovering his eyes in front of the burned down Records & Things store. Gates surround it, as its charred remains lay in repose. Alec is standing next to Ryan, holding a whiskey bottle in a bag) …Why’d we come here?


ALEC: Everybody blames you for this. The more you deny it, the worse it gets. (Alec puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder) This should be the album cover.


(Ryan shudders, and sits on the ground, in a panic)


RYAN: I don’t wanna be here.


(Alec gets on his knees)


ALEC: Relax, just drink this.


(Ryan takes some of the whiskey, and drinks it. Suddenly, they are cast in the shadows of two cops)


COP: Well, look who it is.


COP 2: And there’s another guy too.


(Whip around to reveal two Plattsburgh police officers, wearing gray police outfits and large caps. Their name tags read “Pakington” and “Coe” respectively)


ALEC: Hello, officers.


RYAN: What is the problem?


OFFICER CHOE: You two idiots are drunk in public.


RYAN: Oh, yeah.


(Officer Choe grabs Ryan by the collar, and gets him to his feet, and Officer Pakington grabs Alec and does the same. Choe gets Ryan close to his face)


OFFICER CHOE: Come to see your handiwork, you little ARSONIST?!


RYAN: I didn’t do anything!

ALEC: You assholes have nothing on us! We can look up our rights!


(Pakington slaps Alec, and Choe slaps Ryan)



ALEC: What the hell!?


OFFICER CHOE: You’re comin’ with us, you worthless shits.


(They put them in handcuffs, and haul them away. Cut to Ethan and Jennifer, lying naked on the ground of their “fallout shelter”, looking at the ceiling)


JENNIFER: …When I was a kid, there was someone I knew on the playground.


ETHAN: Uh-huh.


JENNIFER: He wasn’t a bully, he wouldn’t, you know, pick fights. He was quiet. He stayed away from the other kids mostly.


ETHAN: Right, right.


JENNIFER: But…if you ever screwed with him, he would destroy you. He kicked this one kid down the slide and he got stuck in there, he was a big kid.


ETHAN: Oh my God.


JENNIFER: In order to get him unstuck, he went down the slide feet-first, kicked him in the top of the head until he popped out the other end.


ETHAN: Was he okay?


JENNIFER: Long-term, yes. Short term, definitely not. But, I’ve always took inspiration from that kid. He was strong, and he didn’t show it unless he needed to. He was kinda like you.


(Ethan turns towards Jennifer)


ETHAN: You know. (Jennifer turns towards Ethan) I didn’t fully realize it until this moment, but…I think I’m okay dying with you.


(Jennifer smiles)


JENNIFER: I think so, too.


ETHAN: …That being said, I’m also okay scavenging for food and building a barbaric army of mutants to crush rivaling tribes in the afterscape with you too.


(Jennifer chuckles)


JENNIFER: It’s what people like us do. Survival of the fittest. You do believe in evolution, right?


ETHAN: …For the most part.


JENNIFER: Let’s just be quiet before we change our minds.


(Ethan chuckles and starts making out with Jennifer. Cut to the front desk of their hotel. The desk clerk is on the phone)


DESK CLERK: Yes, ma’am, there was no nuclear war and we are still having continental breakfast, so please feel free to come down. Great. Buh-bye. (The clerk hangs up, as an elderly Hawaiian couple walk up to the clerk) Aloha, how can I help you?


ELDERLY HAWAIIAN MAN: We heard sex noises just a few minutes ago, coming from the basement, we think.


DESK CLERK: You did?


ELDERLY HAWAIIAN WOMAN: They didn’t last very long, but they were disturbing.


DESK CLERK: I hope it’s not those homeless men again, as funny as that would be. We’ll take care of that imminently, ma’am.


(The desk clerk walks away. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly on top of each other, naked, making out. Cut to the desk clerk walking up to the basement entrance door. He opens it. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly stopping to look up. They gasp, when they see the desk clerk)




DESK CLERK: Mr. Donahue and Ms. Cusick, what are you doing?!


JENNIFER: Wait, wait, wait, was this hotel built to withstand an atomic bomb?!


DESK CLERK: No, you dumb American tourists!

ETHAN: Dude, we’re IN America!

DESK CLERK: That was a false alarm!! How did you not get the follow-up alert?!


(Ethan checks his phone)


ETHAN: I don’t have service down here!


(Ethan and Jennifer start getting dressed. Cut to them emerging from the basement. Their hair is disheveled, and they look shell-shocked. They walk by one another coldly, over to the elevator. They get on it, and the door closes. They start going up. Ethan looks at Jennifer)


ETHAN: …So, I guess we’re alright.


JENNIFER: …Uh-huh.


ETHAN: What a relief.




(They stay silent for ten more seconds until the elevator gets to their floor. They then exit the elevator and walk to their room. Ethan takes out the key card, and tries to swipe it, but drops it. He attempts to pick it up, but Jennifer just swipes her key card, and they both go inside, shutting the door behind them. Jennifer goes over to the window and looks out of it)


ETHAN: …I guess we can appreciate life a little more, huh?


(Jennifer turns to Ethan)


JENNIFER: Who do we sue about this?


ETHAN: …I know, I feel the same way.


JENNIFER: I mean…they may owe us about 230,000 dollars in the long term.


(Ethan sits down on the bed, as Jennifer looks out the window)


ETHAN: …Truly a nuclear family, huh?


(Jennifer turns to Ethan)


JENNIFER: Don’t do that right now.


ETHAN: Jennifer, we’ll be fine. You’re probably not-


JENNIFER: Probably not what, Ethan? We’ve been dating TWO months.


ETHAN: …Did you not mean that stuff down there?


(Jennifer sighs)


JENNIFER: I have a pace. And it’s usually glacial. That’s all I’m saying. I dated a Doctor for ten years once, he proposed to me, and I took the summer to think about it. Before landing on “no”.


ETHAN: Then none of that stuff needs to have happened. Forget about it.


JENNIFER: What about the rest of it?


ETHAN: We’ll cross that bridge IF we come to it.


(Jennifer nods head)


JENNIFER: Well. This has been a relaxing vacation.


(Jennifer grabs her towel and goes into the bathroom, as Ethan shakes his head. Cut to Ryan and Alec in a jail cell, sitting across from each other)


ALEC: …Maybe there could be like, a…melody of some sort-


RYAN: Are you- are you seriously coming up with album ideas right now?


ALEC: What else are we gonna do?!


RYAN: Just shut up!


ALEC: We asked for our one phone call HOURS ago!


RYAN: I asked for a mimosa hours ago, but you don’t hear me bitching about it.


ALEC: Dude, I don’t know what kind of jail you think you’re in. (Choe and Pakington walk over to the cell, and Ryan and Alec walk up to the bars) Hey, chill bros. You think you could hook us up with that one phone call?


RYAN: And a mimosa?


ALEC: Shut up.


OFFICER PAKINGTON: I don’t think so, fuckheads.




OFFICER PAKINGTON: Jungle monkeys.







ALEC: You done?


(Officer Choe grabs Alec by the collar and holds him up against the bars)


OFFICER CHOE: Far from it.


(Pakington unlocks the cell, and grabs Ryan by the collar, and they lead the two down the corridor. Cut to the two officers at their beat desks. Ryan and Alec stand before them, with their hands cuffed behind their backs)


RYAN: …So, can we help you, or?


OFFICER CHOE: Clean the floor.


RYAN: …What?


OFFICER CHOE: The floor’s dirty, clean it.


RYAN: I don’t have hands-


OFFICER PAKINGTON: He means with your tongue.


(Alec squints)


ALEC: Whoa, you guys are a couple dirty cops!

OFFICER PAKINGTON: You think that’s breaking news, bitch tits? That’s “Dirty Joe” Choe, you’re talking to.




(Officer Choe holds up an edition of Plattsburgh’s local newspaper, the “Press-Republican”. It’s a March 2016 story featuring a picture of Officer Choe and the headline “DIRTY JOE IS DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY”)


ALEC: Well, we won’t do it- (Ryan starts licking the ground) dude, come the fuck on!

(Ryan looks up)


RYAN: You can only expect so much punk out of me, okay!?


OFFICER PAKINGTON: Less talkin’ and more lickin’, you arsonist creep.


(Ryan keeps licking)


ALEC: Why were you so attached to that Records Store/Library!?



ALEC: Super defensive.


OFFICER PAKINGTON: Alright, that’s it!


(Officer Pakington goes over and kicks Alec in the stomach, knocking him to the ground)




(Officer Pakington puts his boot on Alec’s neck)


OFFICER PAKINGTON: Alright, you little shit. We’re gonna take you to the evidence room. And you’re gonna test all the drugs to see what they are.


ALEC: …Okay?


(Ryan stops licking for a second)




(Officer Choe kicks Ryan in the back, and recoils in pain on the floor)


OFFICER CHOE: Get him out of here. (Pakington carries Alec out of the room) Keep licking.


(Ryan goes back to licking the floor, as Officer Choe sits down. Cut to Officers Choe and Pakington escorting Ryan and Alec back to their cells)


OFFICER PAKINGTON: Have fun today, ladies?


ALEC: Yeah, a little bit.


RYAN: Ugh.


(Pakington unlocks the cell, and pushes the two of them in there, before locking it again)


OFFICER CHOE: Have a nice night, ball-brains.


ALEC: What?


RYAN: You can’t do this to US! We’re entitled to our one call!

OFFICER CHOE: Who the fuck do you think you are?!


RYAN: My dad’s a City Councilman, you know! In Hansbay, Vermont, ever heard of it?!




RYAN: Oh, well, look it up! It’s real!

(Pakington takes out his phone and looks it up)


OFFICER PAKINGTON: …Oh yeah, it’s a suburb of Burlington, about 25,000 people. It’s on the Lake. Mayor is some guy named…Devil Sack, or somethin’.


(Officer Pakington puts away his phone, and looks at Choe)


OFFICER CHOE: I don’t want to get on Devil Sack’s bad side.


OFFICER PAKINGTON: Alright, we’ve played with our food long enough. Go take your goddamn calls, hoodlums.


(Pakington unlocks the cell, and starts escorting them down the hallway)


OFFICER CHOE: So what’s it like being Devil Sack’s kid?


ALEC: I don’t think you listened- (Ryan glares at Alec) uhhh, to his crazy story about Devil Sack. Go ahead.


RYAN: I’d rather not.


(Cut to Alec on an analog phone mounted to the wall. The phone is ringing. Cut to Tara lying on the couch, painting watercolors. Her phone rings. Tara answers)


TARA: Hello?


(Cut to Alec)

ALEC: It’s me. It’s Alec.


TARA: (On the phone) What do you want?


(Alec sighs)


ALEC: …I want you to bail me out of jail.


TARA: …Are you-


ALEC: An idiot? Yes. An immature fucktard? Absolutely.


TARA: Don’t do that, don’t make me feel bad for you.


ALEC: Tara, these last 24 hours have convinced me how much I need you.


TARA: 24 hours? Alec, we’ve been broken up for three days.


ALEC: …See? I can’t even keep time without you.


TARA: Alec, I don’t want to babysit you.


ALEC: I don’t want you to either. I’ll go to California with you, and I’ll stop making excuses for my failures. We’ll both make it out there.


TARA: …But?


ALEC: But I need you to bail Ryan and I out of jail. Public intoxication.


TARA: How did that happen?


ALEC: Well, we tried to come up with ideas for the album, using some, creativity juice, and…it didn’t turn out like we expected.


TARA: Do you have any ideas?


ALEC: Not really. We toyed with the idea of having a melody, but…


(Tara shakes her head)


TARA: How much?


(Cut to Ryan making his call, on a similar phone, in a separate room. Cut to a shot of a Samsung Galaxy on a coffee table. It begins vibrating, as the caller ID displays “Ryan” and a picture of him peering naked from behind a potted plant is displayed. Catherine Bowie comes over and picks it up)




(Cut to Ryan)


RYAN: Oh my God, you answered.


CATHERINE: (On the phone) Yeah. You better make sure I don’t regret it.


RYAN: Catherine, I don’t know what I did the other night, I don’t remember.


CATHERINE: I figured you wouldn’t. Of course, that’s how people like you get away with murder.


RYAN: Jesus, I killed someone?!

CATHERINE: No! You know what I mean!


RYAN: Whatever I did, I’m sorry.


CATHERINE: …What is going on with you right now?


RYAN: …Same old same, I guess. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t want to choose. (Pause) What’s going on with you?


CATHERINE: Variations on a theme, I suppose.


RYAN: …Where are you living?


CATHERINE: I’m on the wind.


RYAN: So you’re still not giving direct answers to anything?


CATHERINE: You obviously know about the farm.


RYAN: I didn’t think you lived there.


CATHERINE: Then why’d you come?


RYAN: Like I said, I don’t remember.


(Catherine sighs)


CATHERINE: It took me a while to get over you, Donahue.


RYAN: …I’m sorry I left like that.


CATHERINE: …I hope you find what you’re looking for.


(Ryan shakes his head)


RYAN: I’m clearly on the path.


(Catherine laughs)


CATHERINE: Goddamnit. Goodbye.


RYAN: Bye.


(Ryan hangs up. Cut to Ryan and Alec sitting in the back of Tara’s car, as Tara drives. It’s night. NPR is on)


NPR: This is Juliette Canterbury-Downing for the BBC World Service. The United States Government has shut down following a failure by Congress to come to a compromise on border security and DACA, an Obama-era executive order that provided legal status to hundreds of thousands of undocumented immigrants brought to the U.S. as children. The White House slammed what they called the “Schumer Shutdown”, and Democrats slammed what they called the “Trump Shutdown”, and what everyone else in the country called “fucking annoying”. In other news, the White House doctor Ronny Jackson announced that he could only describe Mr. Trump’s liver health as “divine” and says he, quote, “tears up every time he thinks about it”.


(Tara turns the radio down)


TARA: Do you guys want food?


ALEC: I could do Wendy’s.


RYAN: Jesus, Alec, do you want a toy with that?


(Ryan looks out the window. Cut to Ryan getting out of Tara’s car, at his apartment complex. The car drives away, and Ryan walks up the steps to his apartment. He takes a deep breath and uses his key card to open the door. He sees Sarah on his couch, holding a notepad and pen. She throws it down and stands up, as Ryan closes the door)


SARAH: Oh my God, I thought you were dead!

RYAN: Like this is the first time I’ve disappeared for an extended period with no explanation.


SARAH: Shut up! What is wrong with you?! I called so many times, I’ve been writing your eulogy for a half hour! Honestly, it was going really well and it’s almost a shame I have no reason to use it now.

RYAN: Sarah.


(Sarah runs over and hugs Ryan. She then detaches from him and looks him in the eye)


SARAH: What happened?


RYAN: I was in jail.


SARAH: …For what?


RYAN: It was for public intoxication, but it was really for burning down that Records & Things.


SARAH: How does that work?


RYAN: I’m O.J., Sarah. I got off easy, so they roughed me up. Alec, too. Except, unlike O.J., I’m actually innocent.


SARAH: …Why didn’t you call me?


(Ryan tears up, and takes a deep breath)


RYAN: …Because…I don’t….I, I, I don’t…feel anything for you, anymore.


(Sarah furrows her brow)


SARAH: …What are you talking about?


RYAN: Sarah, I…don’t, love you anymore. I’m sorry. I can’t do this to you any longer.


(Sarah tears up)


SARAH: How could you- I don’ could you say that to me?! (Sarah punches Ryan in the stomach, sending him to the floor) HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?!?!


RYAN: …I don’t know.


(Sarah shakes her head. She grabs a duffel bag of her things, and looks at Ryan)


SARAH: You’re a monster.


(Sarah storms out of the apartment, and slams the door, as Ryan stands back up. Ryan lurches over to the fridge, pulls out a bottle of whiskey and starts chugging it. Cut to Clarissa in her dorm room, watching Netflix on her laptop in bed)


CLARISSA: Ooh, The Godfather’s on Netflix now? Finally, I can get around to watching it-oh, it’s three hours, never mind.


(A knock is heard at the door. Clarissa gets up and checks the peephole to see it’s Ryan. Clarissa lets him in)


RYAN: Hey.


CLARISSA: Jesus, you look awful!


RYAN: It’s done.




RYAN: Yes. I may have gone over your three day deadline a bit, but it’s done.


CLARISSA: That’s fine, that was an arbitrary timeline anyway.


RYAN: Thanks for telling me that now! I could’ve strung her along in this baton death march a little more.




(Clarissa hugs Ryan. She then tries to kiss him, but Ryan pulls away)


RYAN: Sorry, hold on. Just. I can’t just dive headfirst into this right now. Let’s meet for coffee on Monday, okay?


(Clarissa nods)




(Ryan hugs Clarissa, and leaves. She looks confused, as “Zombie” by The Cranberries begins playing. Cut to Ryan getting out of his car at the apartment complex. He marches towards his apartment with a death stare and quiet resolve. Cut to Sarah walking into her dorm. It’s full of boxes, with almost nothing unpacked. Sarah pulls the box off her bed, and puts it on the ground. Sarah sits down and stares forward. Cut to Jacob holding an AR-15 while patrolling the desert with Private Renzi and a few other soldiers. He takes a drag off a cigarette, and passes it to Renzi, who takes a drag for himself. Cut to Ethan and Fiona sitting next to each other on their returning flight to the mainland United States. Ethan is staring out the window holding a Whiskey. Fiona has a water. Ethan takes a sip of his Whiskey. Fiona tries to grab it, but Ethan moves her hand away. Cut to Tara wide awake in bed, with Alec’s head resting on her chest, fast asleep. Cut to Ryan falling face first into bed, pulling the covers over himself, and spreading out his extremities on the bed, as we fade to black)



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