letter to my dad

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

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how it felt losing my father

She always knew something important was going to happen in her life at the age of 34, she just never imagined it would be losing her rock. Parts of that day are exquisitely etched in her memory- like a holiday movie that can be recalled at a moment’s notice. When she was told her father dropped dead of a heart attack she was in shock, even seeing his lifeless body in the emergency room seemed like a bad dream she couldn’t wake from. She remembered driving home to shower like she could scrub the memory off her, but she wound up cowering in the corner of the shower and howling like a wounded animal. She slept with her mom that night on dad’s side of the bed- mom hadn’t slept alone since 1952 and she couldn’t bear the thought of her being without dad. She felt her mom’s side of the bed shaking as her mother sobbed but couldn’t roll over to comfort her as tears were streaming down her face too.

Her dad had told her she was gullible and saw the world through rose colored glasses, so not to believe things people told her unless she saw it with her own eyes. Maybe that’s why she tried to avoid looking at him in the funeral home. If she didn’t see his pasty skin and thin lips she could pretend he was either sleeping or had gone away to recuperate from a brain injury ( that was one of her favorite rationalizations). Going back to work was so hard- sometimes in order to put one foot in front of the other she played a game where she told herself she saw dad around that corner so she had to keep going to look for him.

It’s been 18 years daddy. I still get melancholy for you and mom around this time of year. What they say about time healing all wounds isn’t true. You realize time marches on and that life is for the living.

Submitted: January 24, 2018

© Copyright 2022 Judy Spencer. All rights reserved.

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