Lonely

The sweet smell of coffee rose up higher in little warm puffs of steam. I wrapped my fingers tighter around the warmth. I gazed lazily into the mug as I tried to avoid the laziness.

Loneliness. A word like every other, a feeling like no other. I’m not sad but I’m not happy either. I am none and I am both. I am just lonely.

I lived 17 years of my life with my family. One fine day, the rebel in me decided to disobey the ones who put up with my shit and still love me unconditionally for so long. So I left. Left my home, my family. My happy place, my safe haven. Now here I am, seated in this crowded cafe, deaf to all the sounds, blind to all the lights, engulfed in the darkness within my heart.

One might suggest why I don’t just move back to my parent’s and I will boldly answer, ‘Ego and guilt’. My ego won’t allow me to admit that I miss them terribly and that I made a mistake. Guilt rises whenever I think about all the birthday parties, anniversary parties and family picnics I’ve ignored. Guilt specially kills me when I think about all the calls I ignored for boys and cocktails, calls that were desperate to inform me of grandmother dying. My lovely grandmother. The woman who loved me even when my parents gave up on me, who kissed my bruises and called my scars beautiful. She had asked to see me before drawing her last sweet breath. And I ignored. IGNORED. Guilt. It kills.

Since moving back into my parent’s is not an option, others may suggest to find a boyfriend. Simply, I am too weary for that drama. I have always been fire; bright, spreading fast, destructive. Dating, partying, hangovers were my every days.  Getting the boy I wanted and drinking came easy to me. But that’s all that’s ever been; boys and games. I don’t regret any of it though. I was happy back then. But I do wish I attained the same happiness by different means. Maybe meet a nice gentlemen in all his blondes and baby blues, built in both physique and morals. Fall in love dramatically, get married elegantly and raise beautiful kids proudly. Yes, I can and yes, I could, except no, I don’t want to. I’m tired of the fast life.

I want charm and peace. I want happiness in its purest form. I want to be alive.