Darkest Dreams

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

it is about bullying in school, written in memoir short story type

When I had first moved here, I had thought it would be welcoming like the school i came from before this.


I was wrong, this place has so far brought me many miseries, including forcing myself to change, some of the people there are vicious and about as toxic as ever, some are so relentless and will do anything to make themselves feel better, this is my story.


I was a bit of an outlier in the grade level I was placed in and the majority of the school itself, I preferred to keep to myself while the a majority of the grade level was very outgoing and adventurous, I did not connect well with them but they were very friendly, things were going well for me so far.


I was assigned into a class and associated myself with the boys there as to be honest, I could never really get along with girls due to my awkwardness and anxiety. They were nice for the most part but they had a hint of arrogance in them, I overlooked this as a flaw of theirs and thought nothing of it, as we all have flaws, in truth it was a warning and I didn’t take it.


2 months into the school year I had become very close to them, they had treated me like a close friend and I was happy for that as nobody really did treat me like that before, I had learned that they view the rest of the adventurous and outgoing people as, mind my language, “retards” who were inferior to them as they were more into physical activities in favour of the computer games that were popular with these group of boys.


In order to fit in with my “friends” better as I did not want to lose them, I started to think of them the same way and in turn, the general grade level disliked me in turn for my new condescending behaviour, but that did not matter as I thought that my “friends” would always have my back and would never turn on me for a different opinion. I was very, very wrong.


I had started to voice my opinion more with them about the general grade level and those they would call “retards” and that they weren’t that bad, expecting them to give me some consideration and maybe change their ways so we won’t be looked down upon.


I was wrong, as soon as I said my opinion I was met with heavy opposition. I had tried to state that they weren’t all that they demonized them up to be but that just made things worse and with that, I was outcast from that group as well.


I had nobody left, all because of wanting to be accepted by this one group who ended up throwing me away once I didn’t meet their beliefs. I wasn’t welcome to the general grade level either as I had alienated them in favor the boys in my class.


The later years of this  school year had only hit harder once I made these mistakes.


I would hear my names whispered in the halls as I passed, a lot of people would only look at me with glares and when I interacted with them they would try to end it as quickly as possible.


It’s official, my school life had been thoroughly been destroyed, by my own hand no less, a foolish boy looking for acceptance and wanting it so badly he recklessly threw away every opportunity he had to follow a path to ruination. That is what I did.


I had learned that without friends, I could not survive several assessment tasks as they required groups. I suffered and was ridiculed so much that I had taken to live my school life as a hermit of sorts, the group of boys in my class had taken to use me as fun to make fun of. “The Retarded Boy” they would call me, for liking what they did not like, they would continuously harass me even when I decided to isolate myself off the rest of the grade level, they were so relentless, mocking me every chance they got and emphasized how much of an inferior piece of trash in comparison to them.


This would be a breaking point for me, I soon fell into depression and started to have dark thoughts. Will this go on for the rest of my life? Did I really just destroy myself? Am I really the inferior and useless piece of trash they would say I am?


As time went on, all of the answers I had for those questions were all “Yes”, I caved in, I fell, every night I would cry to myself and punch myself for being such a big idiot and ruining my own chances. I decided that I would finally end it all, for I could not see a bright future ahead of me.


I had taken the knife from the drawer of my family’s kitchen and slit my wrists, as I lay there, paralyzed, my vision would darken as I thought I would finally embrace oblivion, free from the troubles I experienced all this time.


I soon realized that I wasn’t dead when I woke up in a hospital bed, with a heartbeat monitor and all, my family crying all around me, my father and mother asked me.


“Why did you do this to yourself?”, I wonder why I do these things to myself too, alas, I couldn’t answer them right now, my body was too weak. I spent a total of 3 days in the hospital and 2 days at home recovering mentally, in that time, I told my parents of the situation I was in at school, they said they couldn’t help me as from their point of view, they would only serve as more firewood to burn in the fire of hatred against me. I agreed, now I know that I needed to do this myself.


As I came back to school, I was heavily questioned by most of the grade level on why I attempted suicide, as word spread quickly that I did through parents and in turn told their kids, who in turn told their friends and so on.


I would later tell my whole story to anybody who asked, and bit by bit, my school reputation would be reset to as it was, but it was still a “0”. I never really knew anybody.


Of course the boys in my class would take this as an opportunity to harass me and call me dumb and stupid for attempting to take my own life, viewing me as even more of a joke for “not being able to take a joke”, this would utterly enrage me as in my eyes at least, I don’t know about anybody else, continually harassing me and ridiculing me by calling me derogatory names that I do not approve of after repeatedly telling them to stop is not a joke.


I exploded in anger, I soon lashed out and yelled at them for their apathy, how could anybody be this cruel? I had figured that i’d be alone this time, but as it turns out my class stood with me, asking them and confronting them on why they hated them and treated me like such trash.


They stayed silent, and couldn’t truly respond, but I already knew their reasons well enough, once that was settled, I took some time to talk to my classmates on what I should do to repair my mental state, after some advice regarding pursuing my own passions, I was set on the path to recovery, and this time I was not alone.


I eventually turned away from some of my bad habits, such as completely trusting an obviously bad influence and throwing away and sacrificing everything just for one thing, overall I came out of this situation with more experience, but damaged as a result.


With that, the school year came to a close and I would eventually spend the holidays reflecting and pursuing hobbies I was passionate about, I would still get scathing messages from the boy group from my class but I was not really mindful about it, getting tired of it eventually.


When I advanced to the next grade they were confronted over their behaviour and eventually put on suspension, I was finally satisfied that they would at least be getting some punishment for the acts they have done. Now nobody would suffer the same experience as me.


As I entered the school a new man, I had to essentially start from scratch, it was like time reset me to the point where I entered this school for the first time. Everybody now understood me, but why did I feel so empty? Why did the feeling of uselessness and despair linger?


I had no real enemy at this point, the bullies were gone, but why did my head still ring with their words? Every night I can feel them next to me, spouting out names and calling me useless like they used to back in the previous grade level, it was apparent that the damage was still there and would get worse if not handled in some way.


I did remember however that I need not stand alone this time, I had people who understood me and would truly be there for me this time, willing to listen to my opinions and thoughts and sharing their opinions in an equal way as well. This is how it should have been.


The taste of friendship is so sweet after going without it in so long, I abandoned my hermit lifestyle and finally joined my school community. With that, done I would like to leave anybody who reads this a message.


There are many lessons i’ve learnt through this experience, but I will never forget the feeling of despair, hopelessness and loneliness one would feel when they are ostracized and singled out from a group, if I had to put it in visual form, it would be akin to being thrown into a dark, isolated room, and being held there for several weeks, with food coming periodically in the form of live insects that would gnaw at your mouth for freedom.


The point i’m making is that people should be more empathetic, more careful with their words, not uncaring and apathetic to the suffering of others, as even if words can never break you down physically, they can break you down mentally when a certain phrase is repeated over and over again.


As I continue my school life, I hold by those words, and you should too, for if you don’t, you might end up making the same mistakes as me and suffering a fate similar to being stuck in limbo, not dead, nor truly alive if you understand what i’m saying.


It’s truly is a terrible fate, to have to live alone knowing there could be a chance to interact, but you can’t, because everybody hates you and you’re at least partially the cause of all of it, with the other half of the cause bullying you and heckling you for trusting them.


I would like to end my story with a message I would impart upon the reader, don’t change yourself for a person or a group of people, you’ll be fine the way you are. It’s what got me into this mess the first time, now I hope by sharing my story with you nobody who reads this will ever fall into the same fate.

Submitted: February 08, 2018

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