Recovery and Addiction

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

The thoughts of a recovered addict.

Submitted: February 10, 2018

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Submitted: February 10, 2018



The Microsecond In The Life Of An Addict
Published November 1st 2017 Blogger

Darkness fills the outside world and the sleeping child wakes again. Sparred on it is my memories and haunting images that breathe life to nightmares. I can see the blood-soaked walls of my childhood as I sit on a chair in the center of my room. The splattered blood drops that run up the grey walls are as visible to me as are the stars that hang on the midnight canvass. I see their definition through the eyes of a distorted mind and question the validity of existence. The parquet flood design runs beneath my bare feet and disappears under the small single bed where the demons at one time existed. Long since they've taken residence someplace else. I watch the walls of my childhood and reason escapes. I conjure up my own reasoning from the perspective of a child and conclude that there is no God, there is no justice. Love is a façade that encircles hell. I lower my head and close my eyes for the dreams of a child dies in the hands of despair. The needle enters the skin and the sharp sensation screams relief is on its' way. The only love I know is the love of cocaine. It numbs the demons and the pain they cause. I wish for death, I long for permanent darkness under a concrete blanket.

The swirling mass enters my body and I briefly know peace. This sustains me another moment as my heart ticks off the seconds. Everything around me is dead. My parents, my brother and sister, my wife, the addict sitting in the next alley with a syringe hanging out of her vein is dead. There's no colors anymore. Everything becomes black and white to me. I understand the universe and it's evolvement. A singularity encasement where everything is free and nothing matters. I could cry a million tears and not feel a thing. I could soak up the sun's rays while standing in the shade of a tree. I'm a bird that flies through the universe unscathed, boundless and free. The drugs have fulfilled their promise. For a microsecond I'm completed. I've encapsulated everything negative into the abyss where it belongs and that surge of positive energy electrifies my essence. I smile for I know unbound freedom if for a second.

This is what it's like for an addict. We achieve a painless state of mind and body. Whatever the substance is there's a microsecond when we're totally free of our demons. May you understand the reasoning for why addicts chase this momentary bliss. Everything they've tried in the past has led them here. Don't judge them for what they do not know, and don't assume they know a way out. The greatest thing a person can do for an addict still using is not to judge them, offer a warm smile to ensure them that there's still somebody out there that understands and will help them when they are ready to change.



At 12
Published September 30th 2017 Blogger

After sleeping for a 24 hour period I woke up. It was Thanksgiving Day 2005. Since that day I've remained clean and sober. 12 years now I've remained clean from alcohol and narcotics. In the beginning it was difficult. The mind and body struggles to stay clean. The compounding horrid actions of addiction tears apart the mind and the only way out for an addict is to use again. To temporarily put the memories into oblivion. Without self-medicating an addict has to remove themselves from temptation. A detox or treatment center is a good place to start. The people there can identify with the addict for almost all of them were once users. Mutual support will get you through the early stages of recovery. It did for me. I could identify with certain individuals and came to believe that there was hope for me too. 

Recovery from long-term addiction is slow. It took years to reach the doors of recovery and it took years to get healthy again. I'm not done yet. There seems to be room for improvement and that's okay with me. Tweaking or fine tuning I continuously grow within the 12-step program. My serenity is contingent upon my spirituality which is contingent upon my willingness to humble myself. Turmoil and conflict is a result of my ego, my self-will to endorse my beliefs upon another human being. We say "let go and let God" for our own experiences conclude that He will lead them as He has led us! A gentle sereneness concludes and I smile for I realize that I still behave in "old" behaviors. There's more work to be done. I'm humbled and grateful for my imperfections. They help to keep me grounded and close to a God of my understanding. If you are an addict either clean or still using and cannot get pass the point of self-condemnation I offer you this from my own experience. I used to place the blame of my using upon others' actions towards me. That was "my part" in it. "I drink because so 'n so did this to me when I was young", I would claim. And the list went on and on for that one. I made the choice to use alcohol and narcotics and I made the choice to put them down. When there is a solution for internal conflict beyond alcohol and drug use then there is a choice. You have a choice. The other is this, "I've hurt so many people that they will never forgive me"! This is the bump in recovery that most receive. We don't come into recovery for the forgiveness of others. Most of us come into recovery because we can see the writing on the wall. We know the end is closing in on us quickly and we need to do something about it. In recovery we do not seek forgiveness, that is not what recovery is about. We take ownership of our own actions. We acknowledge to those we've offended that we done them wrong, except when to do so would injure them or others. What we do is live life in redemption for those whom we've harmed can see that we are sincere to changing our lives around. We also remove ourselves from those who want to continuously point out the fact that we've harmed them. Those who attempt to hold our prior actions over us. That is an unhealthy environment for us. It is not for us to become a whipping post for them regardless of the past. We move on with or without them but we move on. 

Life is good. I now have a better understanding of it. I have a better understanding of myself. I don't always need to know why I used or why I hurt so many people in the past. I am where I am, this is what I got and this is where I believe a God of my understanding want me to be, and where He wants me to go. Keep it plain, keep it simple, don't over-think it and life will reveal itself as it should. We will know peace. 

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