Life as a 21 year-old.

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic


Three years, or maybe four? I don’t know.. I stopped counting at some point. I just know that it has been so long since I stopped writing.

What has changed during these years? Have I become a better person? Am I at least trying? What is my definition of the word “better”? How are my morals doing? Or at least, do I still have any? What are the updates in codes and principles? And love.. Do I still believe in that?

So many questions, I ask myself. Four years is a long period, so tell me, Arij, what have you done? How have you evolved? Are you living life like you should? Like the 21 year old smart responsible yet fearless daring woman you always thought you will be at this age? I’m eager to know the answers.

Well, dear self, I believe I have changed. Whether it’s for the worst or the best, that, I cannot say. I will tell you, and you can be the judge.

The last three years were good, the last two were the best. I made friends. Real friends this time. I became more mature and focused on my future. I realized that I am capable of doing things that I have never thought I would. And I realized that I am my own enemy. I’ve been always holding myself back. Afraid of failure. Or is it success that I am afraid of? I can’t really tell. I guess it’s both of them. I’m always afraid that I will make an effort and that that effort won’t pay off. I’m afraid that that may crush my self-esteem. I’m not used to losing, and I never wanted to test my limits. Deep inside, I just want to stay in my comfort zone. I’m always having battles inside of me. How far can I go? A part of me believes that I have no limits, that if I really want to do something, and make the proper effort to do it, I will succeed. The other part just goes like: why bother? Just relax and make the least effort possible, because no matter how hard you work, there will always be someone better than you.

As you can see, I’m torn between these two sides of me. Luckily, the first one manifests sometimes, and that got me here, to where I am now.

About my morals, I don’t know. I still have the basics; I’m doing my best not to hurt anyone, I’m trying to help those who are around me, even with a smile and some warm words. But other than that, I can’t really think of anything else. I’m religiously confused, and my curiosity is pushing me to try things that are taboos, and that people in my society don’t even talk about. I still believe in God, but I no longer feel the warmth that I used to feel when praying. Well I haven’t prayed for a long time. I lost my inner peace. But I guess that’s alright. I think I should try to find it and make it independent of all exterior factors. That way, I can re-explore religion with a more stable mind and heart. It won’t be just because I’m seeking comfort and too weak/fragile to face the world alone. I will be strong, conscious, mature, neutral and ready to start looking at things from a different perspective. The path is certainly not easy, but I’m doing my best. I don’t want this “heritage” religion. I want to be convinced. I want it to be my choice. I don’t want to freeze when someone asks me about why I’m following such a religion, I want to say it with all the confidence in the world. And I hope I reach that point.

There are so many things that I redefined. People tend to generalize and to stereotype everything. I decided to change the definition of the word “smart”, “pure”, “good”, “bad”, “beauty”.. Everything is relative, and that’s a fact that most people aren’t aware of. Or maybe they are, but they just choose to ignore it. It’s easier to judge people, to put easy labels, to define standards and norms. I don’t like that. I can see beauty in everything and in everyone. Details can make a huge difference. There’s an old saying “The devil lies in details”. Well For me it’s the beauty that lies in details. The wrinkles in an old man’s face, the grey hair that his wife is trying to hide, and even the crooks in a dying land. Beauty is all around us. We just have to look carefully. And give no judges. Be curious, and try to find the stories behind anything that we think is ‘ugly’, and you’ll see that there’s a beautiful side of it.


Submitted: February 11, 2018

© Copyright 2021 Arij. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Jim Green

Very well written and thought provoking. I hit the like button.

Sun, February 11th, 2018 3:49pm

Joy Shaw

sounds like you are on the verge of a spiritual awakening. Keep searching. This thing called life requires us all to tread our paths to our individual, unique destinations designed by fate/God/angels/the-powers-that-be. Wonderful thing is we have each other to lean on during our journey.

Mon, February 12th, 2018 2:31am

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