A Broken Heart

A few days ago I got my heart broken…

She shook her head and erased the words again.

How about; Some day love will tear apart your heart and there is nothing you can do about, at least this is what happened to me…

No good either.

She sighed. Her head was full of words, so full of feelings, scenes and dialogs and still she wasn’t able to write a single right sentence. Normally the ideas would flow out of her fingers onto the paper, an endless waterfall of words, never stopping, but today was different, it was like a barrier was holding back everything she was able to think of.

She could almost feel the ideas inside of her head, eager to get out. Painful. Like a stone laying on her chest, holding her down to the ground without a way to express her feelings, her sadness.

Have you ever thought about curing a broken heart? Well, I haven’t but I guess it’s time for me to do so...

Still no good.

She started rubbing her eyes again. They were red from crying, still burning like her tears weren’t actually water but made of flames. A silent laugh passed her open lips. How pathetic, crying about something like that. Nothing to cry about until your face looks like you spend to much time on the beach.

Turn it into a story, her friends had told her, that might help you.

But how do you describe the feelings so deep inside yourself that nothing, not even melodies are enough to express them?

She started writing again;

It burns, it hurts. Almost like you’re getting eaten alive from the inside. That is how it’s described in books, that’s what it’s supposed to feel, right? But in real life it’s not really that clear, sure it hurts but it’s like you don’t really feel the pain, it’s more like something broke deep in your soul. You know that something in there isn’t right anymore. Something is off, it feels weird, not really painful. There are tears running down your cheeks, your whole body is shaking almost uncontrollably and your chest feels so tight that it’s...

Her fingers stopped writing. She was supposed to create a story, not one of those strange guides how to cure a girl’s heart. One by one, she got rid of the words that had bloom on the paper like small blue flowers.

It was like a clear shot through his heart. Seeing him so close to another person – so close to a stranger… Luca leaned his forehead against the wall, his body felt like it was burning up. Something crumbled on the surface of his soul, anger and the feeling of betrayal.

What is he doing? Hasn’t he promised to stay by your side for the rest of his life?

The voice whispered in his head, she had been quite for a long time till now, a signal that he was losing control. He cursed it and ram his fist against the bricks in front of him. Closing his eyes, concentrating on the pain centered around his now bloody hand, trying to keep her out of his head. A soft laugh, she didn’t plan on leaving, not now. Not while he was about to break down. He was barely able to breathe and the world around him started to turn red. Luca took another shaking breath, praying that nobody would see him like this, not now…

He stumbled back and pressed himself against the wall, trying to get as far away as possible, away from the crowded court, away from HIM. A deserted sound escaped his lips, it hurt so much. The beat of his own heart in his ears, the wounds, even his head was almost bathing in pain, the voice getting louder and louder. Longing for him to let down the shield that had been protecting his soul for the last years, flattering him eager to seduce him to give in but yelling at almost the same time like an angry child.

Don’t be stubborn, Darling, just let it go and everything will be over.

Just give it up, I’ve waited long enough, haven’t I? So let me in already.

The world was spinning before Luca’s eyes, black streaks started to cloud his vision and he felt everything he had worked so hard to achieve slowly crumble to the grounds, crushed into small pieces as the voice broke her way through his walls.  He could feel her filling his body with her presence, burning herself into his head like flames, her names tasted like ash on his tounge; Jealousy, Anger...

She didn’t notice that she was spacing out, it was almost like her mind had left her body and has been transported into another world. At some point her hand just stopped moving while she drowned in the flow of her characters. Seeing them interact with each other, alive and breathing without words to guide their way, she lost herself, watching them make their own decisions like she wasn’t the one who was creating them. Totally forgot about the real world beyond her door room, forgot the pain tearing her soul apart and everything human. She was one with the story, one with the characters, a part of this world beyond being just a normal person. She was creator and reader at the same time, best friend and enemy in one person. She felt their anger and sadness, their tears of relieve while seeing someone important wake up after a long fight over his life and their seeing someone dear to them suffer, incapable to do anything to help.

As she returned back to reality, her cheeks were wet but her heart felt lighter and the pain was gone. Every single emotion was buried by words, stuck between the letters without a way to escape as she put her pen down, closed the book and stuffed it behind all her other belongings. No one should ever open that one again.