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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


How could I help someone as well as myself if I decided to open up a private practice and put my theories and hypotheses to good use for the greater good of mankind?  I checked into  it after I had already bought the equipment and signed a five year lease for an office. The desk, chairs, couch, coffee machine and a Van Gogh painting.  Turns out I have to be accredited to call myself a Doctor, actually illegal if you can believe that.  What in the hell happened to our first amendment right to freedom of speech? Why can Dr J get away with it?  While he's a great basketball player, I doubt he's an accredited Doctor. How about Dr Jekyll, famous doctor, someone wrote a book about him and even said so himself he wasn't a real Doctor.  Oh well, really doesn't phase me though. My office is in between the Orange Julius and the Spencer's store in the mall and my practice is booming, great location I might add.  Look for the little placard near the bottom of the door,  Chris A... Doktor of Psych.....  I can't prescribe any medications so anything I do give you I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it on the Down Low if you know what I mean.  And wait until you get to your car before you crack open the baggie on that prescription, don't do it in the food court please.  I was doing a group session one day and right after we were done those goddamn fruitcakes went to the food court, ordered 52 egg rolls and dropped no Less than two tabs each of California sunshine, heavenly blue, Purple Dragon and my own special creation, Benny and the Jetsons.  Since you bought my book I'll give away one trade secret, Benny and the Jetsons is nothing more than a mixture of California sunshine, purple dragon, and Crack, FYI, your welcome.  Well they got carted off by security and subsequently to the hospital, and I got investigated for two months.  All I'm saying is don't be a fucking moron please.  Well that's enough lecturing, come on over to the mall, walk ins always welcome and we'll start the healing process together.
My specialty is really relationships as it relates to marriage, I'm not a marriage  counselor exactly, I'm a doktor who specializes in that sort of shit.  The piece of equipment I bought for the office that I find invaluable, and at $15,000 it better be, is my polygraph machine I affectionately named Geppetto.  My married couples that come in together get as nervous as Jews traveling by cattle car when I bust out Geppetto.  The first thing I assure them is there is no wrong answer, I'm not the Stasi, or the SS but just think about it, would you be comfortable with facing your significant other, holding hands and hooked up to 25 pulse, heartbeat and heat monitors?  If you answer yes, I lied to you, wrong answer.  The answer you need to come up with is no.  Now when your both in the same boat we can get started.  I always start with some easy ones, how old are you, how did you first meet, likes, dislikes, thing you like most about your partner, the least, and then we can get serious.  I'm going to use Jack and Jill for simplicity.  I've developed my own grading system as well, a thirty percent or higher means a recommendation to work it out, and go for better or worse, lower is for another chapter.  One caveat I'll add, in this process we often times discover someone who shouldn't even be in a relationship let alone a marriage. If that's the case I'll usually schedule some evening shifts at a motel 6 or Starbucks for starters, if it's the husband I just recommend a quiet divorce and I can provide mediation services as well.  Let's get started.
"Jill, do you ever dream your Kathleen Turner in The War of the Roses?"  Y/N
"Jack same question using Micheal Douglass." 
"Jack, have you ever fantasized about another woman 20 years younger than Jill while having sex with her?"  Y/N
 "Jill, when you have sex with Jack do you always pretend he's George Clooney or Shaquille O'Neal?"  Y/N
 "Jack, when Jill is wishing you were anybody in her bed but you while having sex, do you have trouble climaxing unless you fantasize that your Anthony Perkins in the Psycho movie shower scene?"  Y/N
 "Jill, when Jack wakes you with his snoring and you try shaking him and he passes gas in his sleep right on your thigh and you retch a little in your mouth, do you fantasize your Anthony Perkins in the shower scene in the movie Psycho?"  Y/N
"Jill, when your stressed and about to snap and your envisioning your fantasy vacation, your calgon take me away trip, would the thought of Jack telling you he decided he was going to go along after all kill the dream faster than a guillotine?" Y/N
"Jack, when you completely shit on Jill's dream vacation are you thinking the whole time, if I grace her with my presence on this trip and blow a lot of scratch to boot, I better get laid whenever it suits me and left alone to unwind at a nice tavern once or twice."  Y/N
I've got to tell you, and I hope your keeping score at home, most couples are flunking my compatibility test at this point so don't feel guilty at all.  Just a couple more left for now.
 "Jill, do you have the recurring dream like driving off a cliff except your cold sweat dream is being at Jacks funeral and trying your ass off to muster up some fake tears but all you can manage in front of friends and family is a cheese eating grin like the cat who killed the canary, and just before you launch into a serious case of the giggles you bolt wide awake in a sweat?"  Y/N
 "Jack, do you dream Jill is smiling like the Cheshire Cat at your funeral and then when she's standing over your lifeless body she gets the giggles and you wish you could sit up and slap the shit out of her but you can't move and she WON'T STOP LAUGHING?"  Y/N
"Jill, if the UPS driver said he'd won the powerball and he's going somewhere warm on the ocean and he'd like you to join him, would you leave and not bother to even pack?" Y/N
 "Jack, if that pretty 25 year old bartender said if she was going to pick an overweight, balding, middle aged man to be with,  he'd have to be  a  power ball winner, and she'd like it to be you.  Now would you leave your house immediately and get a rental and start playing power ball?"  Y/N
If you answered no to one question you score a 30 %, two a 60%, and more than that a perfect marital bliss score.  You'd think most couples would score in that 60 percentile or better but you'd be thinking wrong.  Why is that, I bet your thinking.  Well it's  because you just did it at home.  I'll tell you why you scored so well at home, because your not hooked up to goddamn Geppetto that's why.  It's easy to lie even to yourself if your nose doesn't grow or your not hooked up to 25 leads and Geppetto isn't watching and listening to your every move.  Now please don't be discouraged, under my care we have about a sixty five percent chance of fixing this. You will need to come over to the Northgate mall if your marriage needs help immediately or you can try hanging in there until my last installment "The Final solution" comes out. It'll hit amazon really soon.

Submitted: February 13, 2018

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