Satan Is A Terrible Salesman

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


Satan has a reputation for being a great tempter, but this parable might make you think otherwise...

Submitted: February 17, 2018

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Submitted: February 17, 2018

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Zach West

February 16, 2018

 

A lead came down the pipeline one morning. Sipping his coffee, Satan looked at the latest prospect in the CRM:

Jesus of Nazareth: Just wrapping up 40 days and 40 nights of wandering the desert; weak and prime for tempting.

With a giddy smile on his face, Satan quickly poured out the remainder of his mug and hurried off to meet this person in the desert.

When Satan finally reached Jesus, he found him in an incredibly weakened state, as you can imagine from a guy who had just wandered the desert for over a month. He went to work and threw out the best temptations he could come up with, including bread, power over Jerusalem, and finally, absolute power over all nations of the world. But none of these offers proved successful as Jesus rejected each temptation one by one and ultimately sent Satan from his sight. After his defeat, Satan went back down to Hell in a fury, “How could I not tempt a man who had already been worn down by the elements?”

Once he arrived back at the office, his fellow demons were all laughing at something around the water heater (As opposed to a water cooler...this is Hell we’re talking about here).

“What’s all the commotion about?” Snarked Satan.

“We heard you couldn’t close the deal on the Nazarene who had been lost in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights!” They replied.

“Yeah? So? What about it?”

“That pitch was a lob, man! How couldn’t you knock that one out of the park?”

“I...I honestly don’t know,” Satan replied with an exasperated tone. “I offered the best I could think of. Bread, ownership over his city, even absolute power over the world!”

His buddies all stood there silently, puzzled. After a few moments of awkward silence, one of the demons finally spoke up.

“Hey, uh, Satan? Lucifer, old pal...”

“What?”

“You say you offered him bread and two different types of power, right?”

“Yes. What’s your point? Those are great temptations.” Satan responded, mildly irritated.

“And he had been wandering the desert for over a month?”

“Yes! That’s been well established by now. What’s your point?” Satan snipped.

There was a pause, then finally the demon replied, “Well...why didn’t you tempt him with water?”

Satan stood there stunned and pink in the face (He doesn’t get white in the face when he’s pale. He’s normally fire-engine red, you see). He couldn’t believe he had just choked away such a large opportunity. His fellow demons could sense his sorrow, so one of them approached him to discuss it one-on-one.

“You know, we all have our own versions of the one that got away. It happens.”

“Yeah...I know.” Satan replied bitterly.

“...Look, I’m nobody to tell another guy how to do his job, but you probably could have stepped it up a notch.”

“Yeah, I know...” said Satan, aggravated.

“You know what I mean? Maybe try addressing the person’s fundamental need before promising the world. Know thy audience, that’s all I’m gettin’ at...”

“Yeah, I know! I don’t need a lesson on pain point, DAMN!” Yelled the embarrassed Satan.

Satan stomped off down the hall, went into his office, and slammed the door shut. A few weeks later, the executives of the temptation firm sent a guy named Blake to come to the office and give the demon team a motivational speech about how their leads weren’t weak but they were weak or something to that effect. The demons were a bit confused by it and weren’t sure how the speech was supposed to motivate them, but they still found it hilarious and quoted it around the office for years after it happened; But I digress.

This fumble gave Satan a pretty bad case of the yips and it took him a long time to recover. To this day he still has a chip on his shoulder and is always self conscious that he may be a terrible salesman. After all, even with the many successful temptations he has accomplished, he’s still the guy who couldn’t sell water to a man lost in the desert.


© Copyright 2019 Zach West. All rights reserved.

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