Bermondsey pilot

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


The modern day adventures of several middle aged scumbags from South London.

Submitted: February 18, 2018

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Submitted: February 18, 2018

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South London. Present day. A large proportion of Bermondsey has become gentrified. 

Several working class areas, however, still exist. The Sidwell Estate is the most notorious of them. It is home to 200,000 residents who mostly live below the poverty line. Whilst many of them try hard to live an honest life, Criminality and anti social behaviour is rife amongst a minority of well known groups. 
This story follows the adventures of several middle aged men who are a severe plague on the region. 
 
Ext. Lewisham job centre. Daytime 
 
Establishing 
 
Int. an office space for employees only. 
 
A man in his late 20’s, dressed in a suit and tie is sat at his desk reviewing some of the impending workload for the day. He rifles through some paperwork then suddenly gasps for breath. He has a look of terror on his face. 
 
Man 
 
‘M.. Mr Spires. You better come and look at something’ 
 
An older, authoritative looking man in his 50’s comes walking over, he is wearing a Job centre blazer and a name badge which says ‘John Spires’. 
 
Spires 
 
‘You alright, Tim? It looks like you’ve seen a ghost’ 
 
Tim is visibly shaking and is white in the face as he hands Spires a sheet of paper. 
Spires begins to the read what’s on the paper then goes weak at the knees, momentarily stumbling backwards. 
 
Spires 
 
‘Oh dear god’ 
 
Ext. a bus stop on Lewisham High Road. Daytime.
 
A red double decker bus pulls up. Several people step off, including a 6 foot plus, massively overweight man in his late 40’s with a balding/ shaven head. He is wearing a  black, fake Stone Island jumper which is clearly three sizes too small, a pair of shit stained navy blue tracksuit bottoms and a pair of purple daps. 
The man is Ted Bacon, a notoriously violent football hooligan and dole scrounger. 
 
We hear a ringtone and Ted pulls a dated Nokia phone out of his trouser pocket and answers it. 
 
Ted (loudly) 
 
‘Hello, Thatch. Yeah. I’m at the cunting job centre in a bit. Yeah. Fucking gotta do me weekly blag so I can get me coke money... yeah alright, pal. I’ll meet you down the Brickies later for a fucking right old drug sesh’ 
 
Ted then appears angry. 
 
Ted (still on the phone) 
 
‘What?... who’s fucking after you?...Danny The Diamond?... because you shagged his.... she’s 14 is she?....Nah if he fronts up to you we’ll do him’ 
 
Ted hangs up the phone and glares at a horrified mother who is standing near him with 2 young children. 
One of the kids speaks up. 
 
Kid 
 
‘Mummy. That man smells of poo and wee’ 
 
The lady quickly whisks her kids away.
 
Ted (to himself) 
 
‘Mugs’ 
 
Ted then walks off up a side street. 
 
Int. Lewisham job centre. 
 
Several people are queuing up to be seen for their benefits appointments, being tended to by staff members. 
Suddenly Ted walks in through the main door and struts past the main queue. He approaches a nervous looking, muscular security guard. 
 
Ted 
 
‘Oi cunt. What desk am I going to this week so I can get me money’ 
 
Security guard (nervously) 
 
‘Actually Mr Bacon, you need to be seen in another room today’ 
 
Ted (annoyed) 
 
‘Fucking what? Don’t mess me routine up’ 
 
The job centre manager John Spires walks over and clears his throat to speak. 
 
‘Um, Mr Bacon, would you like to follow me please’ 
 
Ted (Dismissive) 
 
‘Alright hard man. You feel good in your suit and tie do ya? Wanker’ 
 
Ted begrudgingly follows Spires towards a door that has ‘meeting room’ written above it.
Spires takes a deep breath then opens the door and walks in, followed by Ted. 
Ted looks and sees 10 security guards stood with their arms crossed in front of a desk where a nervous looking Tim is sat down waiting to speak to Ted.
 
Ted 
 
‘I don’t know what this is. But every one of you will get done’ 
 
One of the security guards addresses Ted. 
 
Security guard 
 
‘Mr Bacon. Please sit down at the desk and listen to what Tim has to say’ 
 
Ted sniggers and walks right up to the security guard and gets in his face. His dog-shit breath causes the guard to vomit slightly in his own mouth. 
 
Ted 
 
‘Lift weights do ya?’ 
 
Security guard 
 
‘Um, yeah I do’ 
 
Ted 
 
‘I don’t. But I’m still twice as hard as you’ 
 
Security guard 
 
‘Look. We don’t want any trouble. We just want to keep the staff safe’ 
 
Ted 
 
‘Tottenham’s top boy is about your size. I put him in a coma last week when I seen him on the tube’ 
 
The security guard is trying hard not to let his nerves get the the better of him as Ted turns and walks over to the desk and sits down, staring at Tim.
 
Ted 
 
‘So what’s this all about then. You raising me fortnightly allowance?’ 
 
Tim 
 
‘Um, well no, in fact you’re in danger of losing your fortnightly allowance’ 
 
Ted ( calmly) 
 
‘Don’t be daft. I can’t find a job, plus I’ve got agoraphobia and anxiety n that’ 
 
Tim
 
‘Well you’re agoraphobia has never been proven, but anyway, we’ve had a letter directly from the department for work and pensions. You single handily claim the most benefits in the whole UK’ 
 
Ted thumps his fist on the desk, causing Tom to appear frightened. The security guards take a step towards Ted. 
 
Ted (shouting) 
 
‘Of course I claim a lot of benefits. I’ve got mental health problems so I find it hard to get a job. Plus I’m scared to leave me flat due to me crippling anxiety’ 
 
Tim
 
‘B...But you just said you assaulted a Tottenham fan on the tube last week’ 
 
Ted appears lost for words. He looks around and blows a kiss at one of the security guards and mimes ‘cunt’. 
Ted sniggers then sits down. 
 
Ted 
 
‘Alright. So how much money are you docking from me 2 grand a fortnight? 50 quid? A ton? What?’ 
 
Tim goes silent for a few seconds then clears his throat to talk. 
 
‘Um, Mr Bacon, unless you agree to complete a 100 hours unpaid work trial then you will lose all of your benefits’ 
 
Ted flies up out of his chair and looks as if he’s going to lunge across the desk. The security guards advance forward but Ted begins to sway backwards and forwards before collapsing on the ground unconscious.
 
Spires 
 
‘Someone call an ambulance’ 
 
Ext. an ambulance speeding down Lewisham High Road. Daytime. 
 
Establishing 
 
Int. the ambulance. 
 
Ted is laid unconscious on the gurney as 2 paramedics perform CPR on him. 
The driver in the front can be heard talking on his radio. 
 
Driver 
 
‘Inbound 47 year old male. Heart attack. Patient is known to hospital services as being anti social and violent. Advise security guards meet us on scene’ 
 
Ext. Lewisham hospital. Evening 
 
Establishing 
 
Int. reception area of the intensive care ward. 
 
2 nurses are stood behind a reception desk, looking through some medical files.
Suddenly 3 men burst in through the entrance to the ward. 
One man is a 6 foot tall, plump man in his late 40’s with black hair and dirty stubble. He is wearing a black Britain First polo shirt. 
It is Ian Thatcher, one of Ted’s best mates. 
 
Ian  (shouting) 
 
‘Where’s our fucking pal. He’s had a heart attack’ 
 
One of the nurses 
 
‘Sir, if you stop shouting we will be able to assist you’ 
 
Ian (still shouting) 
 
‘Oh fuck off you condescending dopey slag, I’ll put you on your arse you bitch’ 
 
A tall male doctor appears from a side room and walks up to Ian. 
 
Doctor 
 
‘Sir do not threaten the staff’ 
 
One of Ian’s companions, a 5 foot 2 stocky bald man in his mid 50’s with a purple complexion grabs the doctor by his throat and swings a couple of clumsy punches at his face. The man is Trevor Kipling, another one of Ted’s best mates. 
 
Trevor (shouting) 
 
‘Come on then you lanky mug’ 
 
The doctor manages to struggle free and runs off down the corridor towards the beds. 
 
Ian and Trevor follow after him with their arms outstretched in a confrontational manner. 
 
Ian 
 
‘Come on then, the lot of ya, who wants it’ 
 
They are joined by another man. He is very skinny with a gaunt face and scruffy hair. He is wearing a ripped yellow hooded jacket and tracksuit bottoms. He is Lesley Kipling, a pitiful drug addict and associate of the lads. He is also Trevor’s son. 
 
Ian and Trevor continue down the corridor and come to the first bay of 4 beds. Each bed contains a patient hooked up to life support systems. 
Ian kicks a blood pressure machine over then picks up a chair and throws it at a man in a coma with tubes coming out of his mouth. 
 
Ian (shouting) 
 
‘I’ll ask again. Where’s our pal’ 
 
Trevor punches a frightened female nurse in the face, knocking her unconscious. 
A doctor then pleads with the men.
 
Doctor 
 
‘Gentlemen please. Who is your friend?’ 
 
Trevor 
 
‘Ted fucking Bacon. As if you didn’t know ya medical mug’ 
 
Doctor 
 
‘Okay. He’s in bay 3. Please follow me’ 
 
Lesley Kipling saunters up to the doctor, appearing paranoid and shifty. 
 
Lesley 
 
‘Oi Doctor. Can you sort me any methadone’ 
 
The doctor appears shocked and speechless. 
Trevor walks up to Lesley and grabs him by the throat. 
 
Trevor 
 
‘Fuck your methadone you little mug. We’re here to visit Ted’ 
 
Int. bay 3 of the intensive care ward. 
 
The doctor walks in, followed by Ian, Trevor and Lesley. He points to Ted, who is laid with a tube in his mouth. 
 
Doctor 
 
‘We revived him after his heart attack but then had to induce a coma to deal with the trauma of being told he has to do an unpaid work trial’ 
 
Ian 
 
‘You wake our pal up right now or I’ll throw you through the window’ 
 
Doctor 
 
‘Um, sir, that’s not medically advise able’ 
 
Ian seems furious that the doctor is telling him what to do, he is about to give the doctor a volley of verbal abuse when he suddenly falls to the ground and starts having a violent seizure. He flips about on the floor, foaming at the mouth for about 30 seconds then passes out. 
 
The doctor appears irritated at the antics being caused in his busy ward. He begrudgingly kneels down to take Ian’s pulse.
 
Doctor 
 
‘For god sake. Nurse, get this man an adrenaline injection’ 
 
Suddenly Thatch wakes up and strangles the doctor. The doctor is struggling for air and desperately trying to get away.
A nurse runs over and pulls Ian off of the doctor. 
 
Doctor (struggling for air) 
 
‘Someone call security’ 
 
Trevor snarls then walks up to Ted and starts banging on his chest and shouting. 
 
Trevor ( shouting) 
 
‘Wake up, Ted, fucking wake up’ 
 
Lesley shuffles up to the bed and looks around. Everybody’s focussed on Trevor’s antics so Lesley pulls a drip out of Ted’s arm and sucks the medicine into his own mouth. 
Unbeknownst to Lesley, Ted then begins to wake up because the medicine in the drip is actually a controlled dose of anaesthetic that was inducing his unconscious state. 
 
Trevor 
 
‘See, I woke him’ 
 
The doctor puts face in his right hand and shakes his head in despair.
 
Ted has opened his eyes so Trevor clumsily pulls the tubes out of his throat. 
Ted tries to talk but it is incoherent. 
Ian walks over. 
 
Ian 
 
‘Don’t worry Ted. I’ll help ya’ 
 
Ian pulls a hip flask out of his pocket and pours absinthe down Ted’s throat. 
The doctor looks astounded. 
 
Ted 
 
‘Cheers pal. Where the fuck am I?’ 
 
Ian 
 
‘In hospital, pal. These mugs put you in a coma’ 
 
Ted
 
‘Who cunting did? No cunt could knock me out! 
 
Ian 
 
‘Nah they put some bollocks in your bloodstream what made you unconscious n that’ 
 
Ted 
 
‘Cheeky cunts’ 
 
Trevor takes a bag of cocaine out of his pocket and hands it to Ted.
 
Trevor 
 
‘Here, pal. You’re gonna need this’ 
 
Ted grabs the bag and takes a huge snort. 
 
Ted 
 
‘Why?’ 
 
Trevor 
 
‘Do you remember the bad news what those cunts at the job centre gave you what caused your heart attack?’ 
 
Ted 
 
‘Oh fuck now I do. I’ve got to do some unpaid work or I’ll lose me benefits’ 
 
Ted takes another huge snort of cocaine. 
 
Ted
 
‘Alright I’m calm. Get me out of here’ 
 
Trevor turns to the doctor and smirks. 
 
‘Induced coma to cope with the trauma? All it took was a few toots of Charlie ya cunt’ 
 
Ted clambers out of the bed and Lesley tries to assist him so Ted head butts Lesley to the floor. 
 
Ted 
 
‘I don’t need help from you ya cabbage brained cunt’ 
 
The three friends are about to walk out of the ward when 4 huge security guards arrive. 
Ted, Ian and Trevor all look at one and other and grin. 
 
Int. the main corridor outside the intensive care ward. 30 seconds later. 
 
Ted, Ian and Trev are walking along with blood on their knuckles and satisfied looks on their faces (implying that they battered the 4 security guards with ease) 
 
Ted 
 
‘Right. After all this, I reckon we need a few lines down the Brickies’ 
 
Ext. The Bricklayers Arms pub. Bermondsey. Late evening. 
 
Establishing 
 
Int. The Bricklayers Arms main bar. 
 
The “Brickies” is the headquarters of all the anti social, criminal filth in Bermondsey. Several men are sat around drinking and watching hardcore porn on a dated TV which hangs from the ceiling. A few are openly masturbating. 
The disheveled, perverted pub landlord Dave Higginsford  is stood behind the bar playing with himself inside his trousers. 
The main door opens and Ted, Ian and Trevor menacingly walk in. 
 
Ted (shouts) 
 
‘Dave ya kiddy fiddler, 3 Stellas and 3 shots of absinthe, on the slate’ 
 
Dave (signs) 
 
‘Your slate is currently at 17 grand’ 
 
Ted 
 
‘Well give us this round on the house then’ 
 
Dave shakes his head and starts pulling the pints. 
The 3 friends pull chairs up at a table where their friend Liechtenstein Harris is sat, openly masturbating. 
 
Trevor 
 
‘Liech, What’s the score in the Tottenham game? I’ve got 50 quid on then to lose 8-0’ 
 
Liechtenstein (puffing and grunting) 
 
‘They was 2-0 up when i checked’ 
 
Trevor (furiously shouting) 
 
‘Cunt. Fucking cunty mugs’ 
 
Liechtenstein 
 
‘So Ted, when you got to start your unpaid work? 
 
Ted
 
‘Dunno. Next week I think. Cunts’ 
 
Dave The Landlord brings over the lads’ drinks on a tray then scratches a load of dandruff over the table and walks off. 
Ted takes a sip of his drink. 
 
Ted 
 
‘So Thatch. Any sign of that mug Danny The Diamond?’ 
 
Ian (takes a sip of his drink) 
 
‘Apparently he’s been seen driving around Bermondsey in his Mercedes with a few of his pals’ 
 
Trevor 
 
‘Who’s Danny The Diamond? That drug dealer who owns that jewellery shop?’ 
 
Ian 
 
‘Yeah. I shagged his daughter now he reckons he’s gonna do me’ 
 
Trev (sniggers) 
 
‘We’ll beat the fuck out of him, the mug’ 
 
Ted nods then downs a shot of absinthe and vomits down the front of his jumper. 
Trev necks his pint then launches the empty glass at the fruit machine in the corner. 
Ian pours his absinthe into his pint of Stella then downs the lot. 
 
Ian 
 
‘I’m going for a shit’ 
 
Ian walks away from the table towards the toilets. 
 
Ext. the dimly lit car park behind the pub. 
 
A black Mercedes slowly pulls up with 3 suspicious men inside. One large man gets out and walks up to the back window of the pub. He looks inside then walks back over to the car and taps on the driver side window. 
The driver winds down his window for the large man to talk. 
 
Large man 
 
‘I can’t see him in there, Danny’ 
 
Danny (In the driver’s seat) 
 
‘What? Our man said he’s in there. Give him
a call’ 
 
The large man takes out his phone and dials a number.
 
Large man (on phone) 
 
‘Yeah. You what? Oh has he’ 
 
The large man hangs up the phone. 
 
Danny 
 
‘Well?’ 
 
Large man 
 
‘He said he’s gone for a shit’ 
 
Danny
 
‘Perfect. I’ll break in through that dodgy fire exit in the male bogs’ 
 
Int. the male toilets in the Bricklayers Arms. 
 
Ian is sat with his cubicle wife open, straining loudly while having a shit and snorting coke. 
There is a noise like a piece of metal breaking then some footsteps. 
Danny The Diamond appears in front of Ian’s cubicle, pointing a handgun at him. 
 
Ian 
 
‘You wanna give me a handjob or something, do you, ya gay cunt’ 
 
Danny 
 
‘You shagged my daughter you cunt’ 
 
Ian 
 
‘And what?’ 
 
Danny fires two shots directly into Ian’s chest and Ian slumps forward with blood pouring from the wounds. 
Danny then runs off out of the fire exit and we hear his car speed off. 
 
Ted and Trevor come running into the male toilets and find Ian unconscious and bleeding on the floor. 
 
Ted (shouts) 
 
‘Some cunt call an ambulance’ 
 
Trevor turns to Ted 
 
‘We better get tooled up.’ 
 
End. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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