A new lifestyle

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: February 20, 2018

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Submitted: February 20, 2018

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A new lifestyle 

May 11th

It’s been 19 days since you left me, since you left us all. I have a hard time still grasping the reality. I have been meeting with a therapist, two times now. We talked about how I was feeling after your death; I didn’t exactly have a good answer because I haven’t felt much at all. Therefore, Maria, my therapist, told me to start writing a diary to cope with all my feelings.

Here am I supposed to tell you everything I need to say. Everything you needed to hear and every feeling you made me feel. To let me scream, smile, cry or just never forget. I promised myself everything I wrote down here would be true feelings from my heart.

The way you left, I did not expect it. I thought you were getting better, I honestly did. Suddenly I realized how it actually was, that you were just getting better at hiding everything from me. 

Maybe it was all hope. Hope is funny thing, isn’t it? One minute everything can be bad and the next, because of that little light of hope, you believe everything will be okay. Turns out it might not always be.

 

May 13th

How I found out about your death

I got a text message from my mother saying “call me as soon as you can” I had no clue what it could be about, but I started to worry. Having a break, I went outside to call her. She answered her voice trembling and tears trying to escape, “Honey, I’m terribly sorry. Maya’s dead. She ended it this morning”

My voice was breaking and all I could think to say was “okay” then I ended the call, went back inside grabbed my backpack and started to walk home. I did not want to be there when they announced her death, everyone would look at me and feel sympathy, I don’t want that.

I went home and just laid in bed, I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream I just laid there and try to understand what had happened. I still haven’t showed any big emotions, I haven’t cried over your death and it kills me inside, I feel horrible.

 

May 24th

I was at your funeral today and yet it wasn’t you in that coffin. There was no light, your skin was dull and everything that made you, you, was gone. How do you say goodbye to someone that isn’t even there anymore?

I remember last year, on the night to the fifth September. We were talking about life after death and you asked me, more like a statement, if someone was ever going to miss you if you died. I can tell you, yes. I already knew back then that people would be affected your death. I just thought it was when it was time, not like this. Your family was devastated. Your mom didn’t seem to be have sleeping for days, your dad had lost his laughing I don’t think your brother understand where you have gone. I don’t know if even I have. So trust me, your death affected many people.

I had to tell my nine-year-old sister how you never was going to visit us again. At first, she thought you had moved away, my answer was then “In some kind of way” when she curiously asked where. I had no idea how I would tell her and then it hit me, because I know this is where you are now “She went to heaven” I saw in her eyes, the moment she understood, that you had gone to a better place. It was horrible to tell her. You were a sister to her and she loves you.

 

June 7th

“All of these lines across my face tells you the story of who I am. So many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am. However, these stories don’t mean anything when you’ve got no one to tell them to.” – The story, Sara Ramirez.

I hate you. You left me all alone, left me with people who are pretending everything is okay, as if everything is normal. Normal does not exist anymore. The colour drained out of my life when you disappeared.  You had made me believe we would grow old together, that we would be each other’s bridesmaids and godmother to each other’s children. It was all a lie, did you even believe it in the first place? You’re an arrogant and egoistic person and I wish I never would have meet you!

 

July 4th

All these memories of us, all the little things slowly starts to fade away. Someone please hold me, I’m falling apart. So scared I’m getting lost in the dark.

July 16th

I tried to remember all the memories but it isn’t working. I don’t remember your favourite ice cream, which TV-shows you were obsessed and I’m starting to forget the sound of your voice.

I realized that I’m never going to see you cry of laughter again, I won’t hear you sing or see how your eyes starts to shine up when you talk about something you love.

You won’t be talking non-stop about a new fictional character you’re reading about, or how great a new TV-show is.

I never appreciated you enough, your hobbies and TV-shows and I am truly sorry for that.

August 5th

I’m feeling lonelier for everyday passing by. People are slipping away and people no longer understands. My friends barely talk to me, they don’t care about how I feel. My parents are always working… the only one left is Zara. Who knew my little sister, in the end would be my only friend.

 

August 8th

Your mom invited me over to your house. Told me I could go through your things, I felt bad doing it first. Then I thought about it and let my heart take over, I needed those pieces that made you, you. I wasn’t surprised over how long time it took for your parents to go over your room. Letting me inside, I felt as if I actually was an important part of your life.

I found a sketchbook stuck under your bed. I found it when reacting old memories of us laying under your double bed, hiding from the world. I knew you drew, being great at it as well. I thought you had shown me everything but apparently not.

The thing about artist is that they always put a piece of their soul inside their art. I notice now, you only showed me the good days. The drawings I found, represented the broken you. Looking at these, shows me how lost you actually were. These are all from the deepest part of your soul. The drawings with darkness and full with deep and coldness, giving you goose bumps.

If I had found these earlier or if you had shown them to me, I would have known you were drowning and started to stop fighting. I thought you were out on thin ice, but no. I was completely wrong; you had fallen through a long time ago.

 

September 5th

I don’t know if my therapist is helping anymore. Her idea about writing this diary is giving me mixed feelings. One day I find it comforting and helping; like you can read it and that I feel your presence. The next day I find it stupid and pointless, because you’re dead and I can not do a single shit about it. I failed as a friend, I couldn’t save you. Never before have we been this far away from each other. In two completely different worlds and I’m wondering how long it will take until we meet again.

 

 

October 14th

I had been staying at my grandparents for the weekend, and as I went out for a walk in the neighbourhood, a dog came walking by. Not having any leash or seeing someone nearby, I tried to get the golden dog towards me. By showing him the snacks in my pocket, I managed quite well. I started walking the way he had come from, attracting him with the snacks.

I heard someone yelling “Max, come here boy!” and as a saw someone coming around the corner the dog started running towards them. A smile spread across my face when I saw them reunited with each other. I had started walking back when the person come running after me, thanking me for my help. His name is Adrian, a genuinely happy person who has many views in the world and because of that; we talked all the way back to my grandparents.

Apparently, he knew my grandparents, he helped them out last week in their garden when they needed it, he was about to say something more when my grandma had opened the door, noticed us and seeing Adrian. Of course, being the wonderful woman I know her as, she invited him over for some tea and cookies. I did not see a problem with it myself, considering I wanted to get to know him better. Max following inside and Adrian texting his mother about where he was. We played a few board games, me winning in most of them. With Max sleeping next to me, we created a strong bond in just a few hours.

Here is the interesting part, Adrian, his twin brother and I are childhood friends. My grandma told us all about how we used to hang out, but then Adrian and his family moved away. Moving back just two weeks ago. She even showed us a picture of me hugging the twin-brothers. Sadly, I can only remember a time in the summer, when we ran around in the open field and ended up laying in the grass, looking at the clouds.

 

October 15th

Continuing from yesterday

When I asked him about his brother, Mike, everyone went quiet. What I found out broke my heart. Mike died two years ago in Cancer.

I saw the sadness in Adrian’s eyes when he told me, but the smile never disappeared, even if it sometimes only was a fake one. He told me that Mike was positive even on his darkest days; therefor Adrian would continue with the positivity. If his brother was positive in his dying days then he could be a positive person.

Even with those thoughts, the depression hit him. He was motivation less for half a year until he had found a letter his brother wrote for him, I have no clue what it actually said. It just made him realize that life did not end when someone else's did and Adrian got his motivation back. He is being strong even on bad days. I defiantly do not blame someone for being sad or having bad days when someone close to him or her dies, I myself, thinks it is a part of life.

The quote “Life doesn’t end when someone else’s does” hit me right in the heart. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear.

We later ended up with each other’s phone numbers and I think he was exactly who I needed to help me be happy again.

 

November 1

A package arrived for me today. As I opened it, a letter fell out.

This is what it stood, if you forgot.

“Happy Birthday! Today you are seventeen and I am truly sorry I cannot be there and celebrate it with you. I wanted to; believe me. Instead I gave you a few framed photos of us, I believe me when I say I was truly happy in these. They are all days from when we had a lot of fun together.

 I know you want an explanation why I did what I did. I do not have a good one expect, it just was not my time to be alive. It might be hard to understand, I just never felt at home. Like I never fit in, a creature from another world. It probably sound truly stupid, but if someone can understand, it is you.

Never doubt that I did not love you. You are the most amazing and wonderful person, I have ever known, never doubt on yourself because you are truly marvellous. Do not even try blaming yourself! You did everything in your power to make me happy, to make me feel like a part of this world. It simply did not work, even how I hard I tried and wanted it to.

Without you, I would have died much sooner and would not have died with good memories in my heart. You truly are not someone to blame, no one is to blame except for myself. It was my choice and nobody else’s, never forget that.

Love Maya”

In the package was, as you told me, seven framed photos of us. In all of them, we are truly stunning. I specially love the one where we had drawn moustaches on us and hold the pizza we made, trying to be Italians.

I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. You explaining and telling me how truly important I where to you. The photos, the memories is something truly amazing and I’m glad you send them to me, thank you.

 

November 17th

I haven’t been at your grave once, I have never managed to. The thought of going over there, is overwhelming. It makes me realize that you are completely gone, even if you’re buried deep down underground. If I go over there, it is going to be a last goodbye and I do not know if I am ready.

 

December 14th

I am sorry I haven’t wrote to you in a while. I have been busy being happy, I am enjoying school and Adrian is now more than just my friend, we are dating and has been for 6 weeks now.

I decided to change school. Instead of not knowing what to do, I wanted to create art that gave an effect on people. So I started “Rowan art school” It is a school that focus on music, theatre, art and dance.  Adrian recommended it to me after he had seen all my paintings and drawings, he said I had a talent and should attend.

Which I did and now we both go in the same school, I go art and he goes music. He is a real talent to. You would have loved it here, everyone is kind and the teachers are amazing. I am soon as great as you are when it comes to art, which is fantastic since you had a real talent, sadly you did not get to develop your talent even further. You would have been great.

 

February 11th

Happy birthday.

Today I was ready, Adrian went with me, and we bought a sunflower scented candle, which I know is your favourite flower. I would have bought actual sunflowers, but it’s a little hard to find in the middle of the Winter.

Once we arrived and we found your grave, I put down the candles, fell down on my knees and let the tears escape. Because when I saw your name on the gravestone and the date for your death, I could not keep it inside. I did not say a single thing; I just let the tears run down my face.

Before we left, I turned to the gravestone and said, “I miss you. I hope you are happy wherever you are now, because you truly deserve all the happiness you can get. I love you and goodbye my friend.”

 

Mars 19th

I got a new therapist, Emma. I only meet her once every second weekend, she is awesome at her work. I wished you had talked to her, I honestly believed she would have been able to help you, help you being able to love life again. She do not judge you, not even a second. I would say she is the most understandable person I have ever meet. She helps me stay positive and see beauty in the world.

 

April 22th

It has been a year now. I miss you daily, but instead of aching when I hear your name, I remember all the good days.

Life is beautiful; I am slowly starting to realize it. Emotions are beautiful, people are breath taking and life itself is spectacular. I am glad I am a part of this universe. When people laugh and are genuinely happy, it makes me tear up, because I know what it feels like to not being able to laugh. When someone can be happy and manage to enjoy life, it’s absolutely beautiful, they deserve it, everyone deserves it. I think the point with life is to be able to enjoy it to the fullest.

Adrian is amazing. He is a fantastic boyfriend and I am crazy in love. He’s always talking about movies and TV-shows, as Doctor Who, Star wars, lord of the rings and Supernatural. I believe you two would got along quite well.

Until we talk next time, or well, when I tell you about how I’m doing. I hope you’re having a good time and are happy, wherever you are now.

Lots of love / Amanda 


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